1. Bit of an awkward one - sexuality

    1531461655
    Fun&Funky [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: General
    • Posts: 506
    • Joined: 14 Jun 2016

    First of all I really hope no one take offense at this post. It talks of confusion of sexuality etc. so if you are sensitive to your sexuality please consider not reading. I am fully supportive of LGBT, I have many friends (2 of my best friends have recently got married) and a family member who are homosexual. I love them all the same So H and I have been having a kind of on and off disagreement for a couple of months now. It started when he randomly said to his Mum that he was a ‘little bit bi’ (he was in the process of a breakdown at this time) I was totally confused and was like what??? This is the first Ive heard of it 17 years etc. his reasoning was when he signed up to a strip poker site (that’s another story) he was happy to play both genders. (Pictures not videos and mostly virtual pics), he’d watched a bit of MM porn, and he liked but play. He also said that before we met he used to get hit on by guys and he would gently said thank you but no thanks. Then he said but he wasn’t averted to the idea and if the right person came along then he wouldn’t of said no. I really was totally stunned - this had never come up before I had an idea about anal play - which is what brought us to love honey etc. Anyway - I said to him in my opinion I’d say at most he was bi curious and more than likely would say he’s more open minded. After talking with his counsellor he agreed that was what it was. This evening somehow came up again and he said he didn’t understand my issues, given I have plenty friends etc. I said to him as a straight women, i would find it hard to date a Bi guy. He said there shouldn’t be a problem but in my mind there is. His opinion is as long as why the ‘bi guy’ is faithful to ‘me’ then what does it matter what his sexual preference are? In someways I totally agree with him but in others I really don’t. I don’t know if it’s because I’ve never had any inkling / desire to be with a women that I just don’t get it? I feel awful, I feel like I’m being a judgemental bleep - Am I being a total cow? Or am I just confused and unlightened? Hope any of this makes sense Love to all

    1531465608
    KinkyMira [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Major General
    • Posts: 840
    • Joined: 24 Jan 2017

    Hi F&F,

    So, firstly, I think it is a great idea coming on here to ask about this. Clearly you are confused, so hopefully I can help.

    All bi means is that you are attracted to both of the main genders. You can be monogomous bi, you can bigamous bi, you can be someone bi who has affairs etc. Bi is just about the possibility of being attracted both ways. So, if you're bi and in a relationship, then you are in the relationship like anybody else, and in this case, it is a male/female relationship.

    I'm bi and I'm in a male/female relationship, and there really is no issue in it.

    So, you say "I said to him as a straight women, i would find it hard to date a Bi guy." Why? If you think he's going to have affairs with men, then that is about affairs, not about being bi. I think this statement goes to the heart of your issues. Him being bi has nothing to do with your sexuality, so what is your issue with this? He's the same guy, just a bit attracted to blokes as well as being attracted to women, and he's in love with you.

    "He said there shouldn’t be a problem but in my mind there is. His opinion is as long as why the ‘bi guy’ is faithful to ‘me’ then what does it matter what his sexual preference are?" As a bi person, I'd say "Exactly". It's all about being faithful. He appears to be being honest with you, now you need to work out what your problem is.

    "In someways I totally agree with him but in others I really don’t. I don’t know if it’s because I’ve never had any inkling / desire to be with a women that I just don’t get it?" You can't deal with this until you work out what your problem actually is. It sounds like you really don't know what the issue is, but you can't move on with your life with him until you get a handle on it.

    "I feel awful, I feel like I’m being a judgemental bleep - Am I being a total cow? Or am I just confused and unlightened?" I don't think you are a judgemental bleep or total cow, but you are certainly confused. In my mind, you need to work out what the problem actually is, and work from there. I'll keep checking back on the thread when I can (although LH is blocked at work), but you have some thinking to do my friend.

    1531466567
    KinkyMira [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Major General
    • Posts: 840
    • Joined: 24 Jan 2017

    I just re-read it, and it might come across as a bit harsh. If that's how you read it, I'm sorry, didn't mean it to come across like that.

    Take care F&F, you have a lot to think about x

    1531468929
    Jezebella [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 573
    • Joined: 7 Jun 2015

    Excellent reply from Kinky Mira. All I wanted to add is I've been on the receiving end of this and it's not a nice feeling. I came out to my first boyfriend as bi and his response was "that's horrible, you could get with anyone" He had a gay close friend so I really didn't expect that response. It felt like he was rejecting who I am. Looking back I think it was insecurity on his part. I also think only the person can know their own sexually. If your partner says he is bi then that is how he identifies. You and his therapist can't decide he's bi curious. Only he can know his sexuality. Finally, it's probably not come up before for two reasons, one because it can be extremely daunting to come out as bi, particularly for cis men. I think it's because bi people can get grief from all sides, and there's still a huge amount of misconceptions that bi people are faking it, or really gay and in denial, or will have sex with everyone. All of these things are complete bull but it doesn't stop people perpetuating them. Did you know that bi people are much less likely to come out to everyone in their lives than their gay and lesbian peers? The second reason it might not have come up is that sexually isn't static. It can change over time. He might have not identified as bi until recently. Finally, I just want to echo Kinky Mira in saying that your partner's sexuality does not affect your sexuality, and it does not change how he feels about you. Being attracted to people regardless of gender does not mean he will find you any less attractive. I think you need to do some self reflection and tease out why it bothers you so much. Know though that if you can't accept his sexuality then you're not embracing him as the full person he is.

    1531469470
    Justthe2ofus2007 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 1283
    • Joined: 4 Mar 2018

    F&F Both reply’s above are spot on. Being bi changes nothing, he loves you and is married to you. I think the issue may lie deeper for you, with the problems you had a few months ago, I maybe wrong, keep talking to your therapist and counsellor, I as you know have been dealing with my past, and some things I’ve buried so deep, that in my mind it didn’t happen. It takes a lot to identify with what you like and what you don’t. He maybe just realising it now himself. Don’t loose sight that he loves you, he maybe bi, but it changes nothing really x

    1531471712
    K&c30's [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 1856
    • Joined: 15 Dec 2017

    Hey F&F, i think the main issue here is that you had no idea for the past 17 years and he felt that he needed to hide this information from you. Whilst it changes nothing in terms of who he is, it changes who you thought he was. I also imagine that the confession has thrown you off a bit because why confess now? Is it because the feelings are becoming stronger and he wants to explore them. It must be a worry for you. However on the other hand he may just of been eaten up by this "secret" of his and he wanted it off his chest. I don't think it will change things in the grand scheme of things unless he wants to act on those feelings. I hope that he manages to sort it out in his sessions.

    1531472690
    Trine [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Colonel
    • Posts: 129
    • Joined: 13 Mar 2018

    Some spot on comments, good job :)

    I agree the problem seems more like a trust thing because you didnt know! Technically he did nothing wrong, not telling you is not the same as lying but still in the ball park of deceit (If you normally share absolutely everything).

    Being bi myself, I'm still crazy in love with my wife it just means I enjoy mf porn twice as much as a straight peep :)

    Good Luck

    1531474411
    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 2001
    • Joined: 27 Feb 2010

    Some great replies here. 

    I just felt like maybe I could put down some things that may help you get a handle on your feelings towards "Bi" from my personal experiences.

    First off there's, If he likes men then he's not "all" man, and I want my man to be "a man". Many women have this preconceived idea of what a man is, based on what they feel they need from the guy, to be able to feel feminine in the relationship. Gay/bi men are some what steriotipically known as being feminine, and so by extention not masculine enough for a woman to be able to feel herself; she may feel that she will be denied the role of woman within the relationship. 

    Even within totally gay relationships, one of the men may behave exactly as he would if he was in a hetro relationship; indeed both men may be like this with each other conversally both maybe feminine. Bi people still take the role within a relationship that fits with how they perceive themselves within a relationship; so if your OH behaves as the "man" you always felt  was your counterpoint within your relationship, then he will continue to do so, as that's who he is and always was. 

    If other people find out what will they say, and think of me being with a bi guy. 

    Well that's one you will have to deal with, people can be nasty if you, or someone you are with does not conform to their social standards. Unfortunately that's the way of the world crap as it is, and as a bi sexual trans woman believe me I know all about it; what you have to decide is can you cope with this. Because he's going to find it so hard to be himself with you, if you can't accept how the world is going to view your relationship. He maybe quite happy to keep it compleatly private, but having come out to you he may feel that he's so tired of having to hide his true self from everyone. I know keeping it all secret drove me to the brink on insanity; it's not nice when you can't be yourself, and constantly on your guard with what you say. 

    Bi men always cheat ! 

    Well people do; irrespective of what genders they do or don't feel attraction for. It's the person not their sexuallity which determines wether or not they will cheat or not. For some reason many people feel that a partner who cheats on them with someone of the same sex, is far far worse a person than if the cheat with an opposite gender. All I can say to that, is rubbish; in mitigation it's more likely the fact that that person hadn't been open about who they were in the first place, which makes it so much more devastating. 

    He's been lying to me all this time !

    This is a difficult one, as others have said he may not even have understood his feelings until now, or even has found his sexuallity becoming fluid at this point. Even if he has always known, he chose to be with you chose to live as a hetro male, chose to love you as a man loving a woman. At that point he in effect became hetro, I become whatever fits with the relationship I choose. If I chose to be with a woman then I would see myself as a lesbian; I can't however make myself not find men appealing, or the thought of sex sex with one. I simply would have no interest in being with one, anymore than I would start wanting to find another woman.

    1531475680
    Fun&Funky [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: General
    • Posts: 506
    • Joined: 14 Jun 2016

    Thank you so much for the replies, I’m on a super busy day so will reply properly in a bit but just wanted to say I’ve read the replies and am going over it all in my head. I’ll answer the questions that I can in a couple of hours

    1531475794
    LIL_KNOWN69 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 1996
    • Joined: 9 Oct 2005

    Some excellent replies here from all sorts of walks of life and I think this may just be down to the fact it’s something new in the relationship which has been hidden for several Years, that alone is a horrible feeling. But as others have said being Bi won’t change the man your partner is. I absolutely hate labels and personally I feel deep down we all have some feelings towards the same and opposite sex. Even going back to the Ancient Greece era, when they were going off to battle they would have all Male orgies and they were seen as some of the most feared warriors. Whether your heart beats for a man or a woman it really doesn’t matter, the same as if you want to watch gay/lesbian/bi/straight porn. I even know someone who is in a very loving lesbian relationship but she loves watching straight porn. So without rambling too much, I think deep down you need to find what the actual problem is. I can understand you probably don’t understand the attraction to the same sex because you haven’t experienced this yourself but it’s exactly the same as being attracted to the opposite sex, it’s strictly just physically different. Your partner sounds like he simply has some curiosity and that’s natural, we all go through phases as our libidos rollercoaster and we get older. I hope it all works out and just remember if you love your partner you will embrace everything that comes with them and support them.

    1531476028
    Gran [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Brigadier
    • Posts: 309
    • Joined: 2 Jun 2018

    Well done for raising the topic F&F. This is such a good place to talk. I have nothing to add, really, the replies see so thoughtful and useful. Just remember that he loves and trusts you enough to open up to you. He may as others have said, just be finding these feelings in himself now, and is telling you about them. He is trying to be his whole self with you. It seems to me this may be that he's "not the person you thought he was" - which is true for all of us, all the time. The map is not the territory. Who we think we are, or others are, is not ever really who we or they are. And as JT2OU said, there are your own insecurities to consider (which have nothing to do with this revelation). Bless you, it's hard to hear such an unexpected thing from your beloved. Hang in there. He's there, with you, and it really doesn't change a thing. If he's faithful, he's faithful. Everyone finds other people attractive. Be still and breathe. Let it sit with you a while. Notice when you go into reaction and come back to being still. I think you'll come to terms with 'it' and him once you separate the issues, and remember he's still there living you. X Gran

    1531476116
    Gran [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Brigadier
    • Posts: 309
    • Joined: 2 Jun 2018

    Loving you

    1531507859
    MK7 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: General
    • Posts: 522
    • Joined: 21 Sep 2015

    Imagine if your OH had said the same thing to you, only backwards. 

    "As a bisexual man, it makes me uncomfortable that you only date men. I don't get it."

    Does that not sound absolutely ridiculous to you?

    I agree with your OH, If he decided to settle down and marry you, why should his sexuality have anything to do with things? He clearly decided to be faithful to you for life. Why should him liking men and being curious about being with men before he met you have any impact on your current life?

    1531511141
    Lou Mac [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Major
    • Posts: 40
    • Joined: 16 Apr 2018

    I don't have much to add to the conversation, but I think an important thing to remember is just because he's identifying as bisexual, doesn't mean he's suddenly attracted to every person who fits in to gender binary. It's just the same as you identifing as hetrosexual - it doesn't mean you're attracted to every man you see! Equally, if you do see a man you think is attractive who isn't your partner, it doesn't mean you act on it, it just makes them aesthetically pleasing to you. 

    A bisexual person who settles down in a hetrosexual relationship is still as bisexual. A bisexual person in a same sex relationship is still bisexual.

    I think a lot of the issue with bisexuality comes from the stereotype that they're "promiscuous" or "can't make their mind up" (codswallop!) and there is still pressure in a lot of the LGBT+ community to fit yourself one way or the other - and however open minded someone is that stereotype still has some sort of impact. I have bisexual friends who still have such internalised hate because of those two things, and bi-erasure is definitely a thing. 

    Ultimately, he loves you. He's picked you. Whether he's bisexual, biromantic, bicurious - whatever label he identifies with - he's picked you. The label he probably takes most pride in is the one that means he's your partner. Give everything time to digest, ask him questions, try and get your head around it because he loves you, and has chosen you. Just do it at your pace and be calm, because it's probably taken a lot for him to actually tell people (especially when he's "passing" as hetrosexual and didn't really need to out himself if he didn't want to.)

    (PS; if what I've said sounds at all harsh, it isn't intended to be. completely irrelevant but I've had a long day at work writing some very strongly worded emails and I'm afraid it's spilling over to home!)

    1531524767
    kelly_michelle [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 317
    • Joined: 15 Apr 2008

    I think you need to take some time to process this. You've always thought of your partner as one way and now you have found out he isn't that. There is nothing wrong with being a little freaked out by that and this would be true regardless of what his revelation was. 

    In terms of his sexuality, unless you have had reasons to doubt his loyality, you shouldn't now. I know it is hard to not worry that you can't give him everything he wants, but being bisexual doesn't mean he needs both men and women, it means he (potentially) would be happy in a relationship with either. 

    You do need to work through why you wouldn't date a bi man. You shouldn't rush the decision but ultimately, you need to decide if you can move on from this and continue in the relationship.  

    1531534118
    Fun&Funky [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: General
    • Posts: 506
    • Joined: 14 Jun 2016

    Thank you all, going to try and answer what I can but some of it I still need to work through. First of all I think some of it is my upbringing - church school, dad died as I was a baby, Mum never remarried - or had any other relationships etc. was brought up with same sex is wrong, as was touching yourself etc. - Add to that years of S.Abuse and that’s why we/ I’ve only recently started to experiment sexually. Secondly I’ve been poorly for a while on a cancer scare a during this time my husband started an online / emotional affair. Nothing was ever physical but it’s destroyed me. He was the first and only man I ever trusted fully - were working thru this nothing having counselling individually and together. - it became quite obvious when it all came out that he was in the middle of a breakdown. I was too focused on getting well and the children to constantly ask him to go to the Drs. Although I did get him to go during what was happening (didn’t n is at the time what was going on) and the Drs kinda said he was ok. He told me because he wanted no more secrets. He always thought I’d leave him and he thought why that was up in the open he may as well tell me everything. He wanted the future to be on truth and while he was disclosing some of his biggest fears and hurts from the past (before meeting me) and I hadn’t called him a loser and walked away he’d tell me this. I’m happy he told me, I want him to feel comfortable telling me stuff that’s what I always wanted our marriage to be about etc. We talked some more tonight and I told him with his agreement I’m going to talk it through with my counsellor etc and he’s happy for that. I also told I felt the way he told me wasn’t the best but understand how hard it was for him. I told him my fears that I took when he told me so flippantly and it all went a bit bonkers that the way he talked that evening made me feel that he was saying that he felt if he didn’t act on it he would regret it and that he was seeking permission to go experiment. Which obviously given what we were going through at the time was a resounding no. I did say at the time if he wanted to experience it then there was no point in us working though his infidelity etc. He’s told me that he doesn’t want to experience being with a man. We are together and he will never be unfaithful again. He said he still appreciates that men can be attractive and he wouldn’t be against the idea if he was single. He also said he was sure because he wa keen to try anal play and has a fantasy of being pegged my me that it made him Bi. I’ve told him let’s just stop with the labels for now and see where we are. We have been quite open about it all I told him I still love him etc and appreciate that this is apart of him etc and I don’t hold it against him. I just wanted to say thank you to everyone for not judging me and for being supportive. Obviously still have plenty to work on!

    1531557864
    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 2001
    • Joined: 27 Feb 2010

    I'm glad you are starting to get a handle on things. it certainly is a complex situation you are in from both your perspectives. I wish you all the luck in the world, and admire your loyalty under such a situation.

    1531562953

    [suspended user]

    suspended user
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 7154
    • Joined: 7 Jan 2014

    Some excellent replies and nothing much to add other than Bi doesn't meant you going to have a relationship on the side. Bi people are no more disloyal than a straight person. It's all about trust and communication  in a relationship no matter what one's sexuality  preferences are.  

    1531591219
    KinkyMira [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Major General
    • Posts: 840
    • Joined: 24 Jan 2017

    Hi F&F, glad you made a start, and glad you are talking.

    I hope you can work through it. We love pegging, so if he wants it and you fancy the idea, go for it! Wanting to be pegged isn't enough to make him bi though!

    I hope he is true to his word abuot being unfaithful and that he has learned from his mistake, and that you can build a stronger relationship without hiding stuff.

    All the best x

    1531605475
    Justthe2ofus2007 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 1283
    • Joined: 4 Mar 2018

    F&F I’m glad you’ve talked about things, talking to your counsellor will also help. Just know he’s committed to you, and I think it’s a positive that he feels he can be open with you. Big hugs x

    Post a reply to this thread

    Please sign in to post messages to the forum.