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  1. I can't come even after seeking help!

    1267920530
    me [sign in to see picture]
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    HI guys,

    I have read so many threads and tried so many things, I have even seen a sex therapist (who might I add didn't seem to care less that I couldn't come) I am at my wits end.

    I have not been able to come since I was a young girl, I have spent hundreds of pounds on different vibrators and different lubricants but still nothing.

    I do not know if I am coming but missing the feeling or just loosing all excitement before the big release, what I find happens is that I can work my way up to feeling good (on my own) and I feel like I might come (not that I know for sure) but then I loose the feeling and I am too sensitive to carry on but I didn't get the big release or pleasurable sensation I should do.

    I am starting to feel jealous of my boyfriend as he can come every time we have sex and I can see when I look in his eyes how good it feels for him when we have sex or every time I go down on him and I feel he has given up trying on make me come, I know it upsets him that he cant give me an orgasm and I know he has never had a problem with anyone before. The problem is I can't even give myself an orgasm so how can I expect him to give me one! Although I must add that everything does feel so much better with him.

    I do not know what else to try, should I be trying to relax everything too feel more pleasure or should I be tensing my muscles. Are there any techniques that could help me learn to feel more?

    Also, After sex, my labia are very swollen and red, is this a sign of excitement or of too much friction?

    1267921103
    BumLovingCriminal [sign in to see picture]
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    Hey sweetie, welcome to the OA!

    I'm no expert on this, but maybe you should try to just enjoy what feels good, without trying to build those feelings into an orgasm. I find that the pressure to have an orgasm can sometimes be what kills it! Practise makes perfect, and I recommend spending a lot of alone-time getting to know your WHOLE body, not just your genitals. Touch your whole body, your thighs, your breasts, your bum, wherever it feels good. Don't think of it as masturbation in search of an orgasm, think of it as making love to yourself. No-one can really give you a foolproof way to guarenteed orgasms, but it'll be a hell of a lot of fun trying!

    Also I find my labia swell slightly and go red due to arousal, but if you're worried or there's any discomfort then speak to your GP, who should be able to let you know.

    Hope this helps! x

    1267921523
    Alicia D'amore [sign in to see picture]
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    Hello and welcome

    I know this might sound a little different to other things you may have read (and might be a similar response to the sex therapist) but who cares about coming? Ok yes, it's supposed to be all fab and wonderful (so they say) but I'm usually a little underwhelmed by it all. Yes it feels nice but it isn't all that amazing. What's amazing is the incredible sex I have with my partner and the consideration he shows. What's amazing is the sensation of licking and fucking etc. Yes coming can be a nice climax sometimes but really it's not worth getting all het up about.....and that's the point I want to make.....really, let go, give up, stop trying! Because the more you try for it, the less likely it is to happen. Sex is mostly in the brain and only partly in the body so if you're pressurising yourself so much it'll never happen.

    The increased sensitivity and swollenness/colour of your labia sound like post orgasm responses, perhaps you are orgasming but your personal orgasm is less intense than "the norm" so you don't realise.

    The only advice I can give you (other than see your GP if you're worried!) is to relax.

    Maybe try getting a bath, taking a waterproof vibrator and just lay back, fantasise and completey relax....bring yourself close to coming as you say you have felt before, then stop. Don't try and come, just relax and enjoy the sensations, enjoy feeling close, enjoy having the control to just stop. Keep doing it one or two days a week and you never know you may just stumble on an orgasm. Make it about your "enjoyment" and not about your orgasm. It still feels good to get close doesn't it? Still feels good to have sex and oral....coming should just be an "addition" to an already amazing experience.

    Good luck

    Ax

    1267921658
    Ilovemyman [sign in to see picture]
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    Hiya i really feel for you. I think as BLC said just try to focus on what feels good without even thinking about orgasm. I can usually come quickly on my own and with my OH but if i'm tired stressed drunk or if i think oh god i'm taking ages then it just won't happen! I need to be totally relaxed. I don't know if you have tried it but i have just found flower balm, it's brilliant it enhances my orgasms but it also makes me come in 1/2 the usual time! You can get a little pot from LH for £3.99 with free delivery so it's worth a try. Good luck xxx

    1267921763
    BumLovingCriminal [sign in to see picture]
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    AdnaW wrote:

    Hello and welcome

    I know this might sound a little different to other things you may have read (and might be a similar response to the sex therapist) but who cares about coming? Ok yes, it's supposed to be all fab and wonderful (so they say) but I'm usually a little underwhelmed by it all. Yes it feels nice but it isn't all that amazing. What's amazing is the incredible sex I have with my partner and the consideration he shows. What's amazing is the sensation of licking and fucking etc. Yes coming can be a nice climax sometimes but really it's not worth getting all het up about.....and that's the point I want to make.....really, let go, give up, stop trying! Because the more you try for it, the less likely it is to happen. Sex is mostly in the brain and only partly in the body so if you're pressurising yourself so much it'll never happen.

    Exactamondo. My Esteemed Colleague has hit it on the head. Nice work, AdnaW

    1267921909
    WandA [sign in to see picture]
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    There are so many reasons you might not be able to... probably a combination too.

    I know for my girlfriend, the lovely AdnaW, pressure on herself is a big killer of getting there.

    There really is no quick answer on something so complex. I'd just recommend taking small steps, don't become goal focused and enjoy yourself.

    I know you were disappointed with the previous therapist but maybe its worth another go, or at least some other medical help. As amazing as we all are here () it might be worth checking a wider scope on the internet, maybe there are more 'specialised' forums and sites who have got 'there'. Heres a start though:

    http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/sex_relationships/facts/orgasmtrouble.htm

    But do stick around! We always love new members! O... and Hello!

    1267922227
    WandA [sign in to see picture]
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    AdnaW has raised a good point there... Orgasms are often portrayed as some divinely inspired moment of pure pleasure, sure they are good but I wouldn't use the general social/media displays of cumming as a template for the reality.

    It was just today discussed how men feel about the shortcomings of orgasms despite their usual portrayal!

    http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/community/forums/orgasm-army/sex-talk/171811-guys-and-orgasms-and-stuff/

    As mentioned, its not the winning that counts its the taking part!

    1267922932
    me [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi there,

    Thank you for so many quick replies.

    I Have spoken to friends in the past and they say they KNOW when they have had an orgasm and I simply do not, It is just so frustrating for me to not be able to get there, or maybe just not recognise the feeling.

    It does feel good when I masturbate and I definitaly get close but then I just get frustrated as I have no big release of tension just a sort of fumble , trickling release. It also feels better when I masturbate than when I have sex as I feel so worried I am doing it wrong (I feel I am rubbish at sex as I cannot master the girl on top position so I feel I am more passive in this role that I would like to be)

    I masturbate most days or at least several times a week but I just do not seem to be getting anywhere, maybe I need to be holding back on the sensations I feel when I feel I am getting close for longer as I tend to get close, then calm down for 2 seconds then get close again but only for about 3 times, maybe I need to be doing it more, do I need to make a consious effort to release the tension or should my body be doing that for me?

    I have tried for months to not worry about my pleasure or my orgasm and just make my parter feel good but then I start to feel more resentment as I feel I am trying very hard to make him feel good and he is not trying to make me feel good.

    I think I will try to go to another psychosexual therapist as the one I see currently kinda scares me so I do not feel I can relax with me and she doesn't give me any exercises to try at home to help me relax which was kind of what I was expecting.

    1267923007
    Sam66 [sign in to see picture]
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    Ilovemyman wrote:

    I don't know if you have tried it but i have just found flower balm, it's brilliant it enhances my orgasms but it also makes me come in 1/2 the usual time! You can get a little pot from LH for £3.99 with free delivery so it's worth a try. Good luck xxx

    This stuff is absolutely wonderful. Ilovemyman comes in half the time ... what's taking so long?!?!?!?!? I bought some for my OH and it sent her through the roof - used with a bullet vibe left her VERY shaky on her feet for a couple of hours afterwards.

    It's all been said - the main thing is to relax, enjoy the build up and don't worry about the orgasms.

    As a bloke I know that may sound odd ... we're not known for an inability to come - but there was a time in my life (18 months ago) when I simply couldn't come - I could have been let loose in a debauched hen party and nothing would have hapened.

    But I learnt to enjoy my OH licking and sucking for its own sake, not as the precursor to ejaculation. For months my OH wanted me to come in her mouth at the end of a BJ - nothing doing!

    But as I learnt to relax and enoy the sensations for thier own sake I can now come in her mouth - not always but about half the time. So the key to orgasms I reckon is relaxation and not to put pressure on yourself to come.

    As with most things in life ... easier said than done!

    Good luck!!

    1267925316
    Tigerlilies [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi there, brilliant advice above here and I'll try to avoid repetition.

    I know a few young women with this problem. Some of them found that they got closer to success if they stopped trying to follow any idea of what female masturbation should look like. The archetype is the woman on her back providing direct stimulation to the clit, when this is just one variant on a whole spectrum of possibilities.

    Those of us who are lucky grow up with an instictive method of pleasuring ourselves but a lot of women have to riddle it out and it can be like trying to crack a safe at times.

    The Hite Report

    I once read an incredibly helpful book called The Hite Report. It's a comprehensive study on female sexuality and the chapter that grabbed me was on female masturbation techniques. http://www.scribd.com/doc/10790993/Female-Masturbation-Techniques

    This was the first time I had a read that other women, like myself, achieve orgasm more easily if they're lying on their front and pressuring the general area as opposed to going straight for the clit on their backs. It lists a million other ways, from women who have to squeeze their thighs together to ignoring the clitoris completely. I'm not expecting this to give you a fool proof method but I hope you find it as comforting as I did that everyone is unique and there's not a standard way. I think this helped me tremendously to stop thinking that I had 'failed' when climax didn't happen for me when trying techniques that I thought should make me orgasm.

    Neural Pathways

    Another useful article is Tracey Cox's blog entry for LoveHoney, adressed to a woman who had never climaxed with her partner and only orgasmed during solo masturbation when her legs were poker straight. Tracey runs through how we train our bodies and brains to follow certain routes to climax and it's possible to retrain them to find other paths....

    http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/blog/2009/11/27/ask-tracey-cox-27-november/

    Pressure and Tenderness

    It's fantastic news that you are getting very aroused.. That can be the hardest part for other women. I too have a tendency to be over vigorous (usually when I'm trying a method that doesn't suit me) and look down below and it looks like someone's tried to vigorously rub me into non-existence with an eraser. If you feel you're going too hell for leather, you might find that lubes soften the blow. If not this, then perhaps putting a slight barrier between yourself and your hands could cushion the impact. This can be a God send to friction lovers who don't get off the slip and slide that lube provides. A number of women in Hite's report pleasure themselves by making a fist with the bedding, (scrunched up lingerie is more appealing) to grind into.This provides you with a stimulation over a wide area instead of using pin point precision on the clit.

    Swollen

    All this said, your labia swelling and changing colour is a natural reaction to arousal but discomfort, tenderness and irritation to the skin is not a good sign.

    I suspect it could be this vigorous pressure that is causing you some numbness and ruining the party before you hit the jackpot. You might suit a stop-and-start method. Once you feel that you're losing sensation, change your method, decrease your speed or take a little breather. Many women also find that masturabting on their fronts allows them a greater control over the pace and strength of their strokes.

    Giving Up (but not giving up if ya get me)

    Also, don't be suprised if you're one of many women who find their partners eventually find the secret code before themselves. AdnaW has also written excellently on not putting too much stock in the big O but, perhaps, once you stop chasing it, it will turn up and suprise you. Psychology can be funny like that.

    Partner Issues

    It's a widely unreported issue that a lot of women feel that not 'performing' for their partners can make them feel as inadequate as a man experiencing similar dificulties. Try to reassure your partner that he is still blowing your mind. Orgasms are amazing but they are the 'end' of something and can be very brief. If he can get you half way there he is still doing something that requires good communication, intuition, talent and affection. Niether of you are robots and it's unfair to pressure either of yourselves to find a fail proof method.

    You say everything feels better with him? Perhaps you're very, very close and in your case it takes two to tango. The solution may lie in your joint adventures, not solo masturbation. Could be a matter of time.

    I know what you mean about jealously. I'm incredibly jealous of some men (and some women) who seem to be guaranteed a happy ending. It's shaped so much of how I think about sex and sexual politics. But always remind yourself that you are integral and at times crucial to the pleasure that gets him to climax. Men can orgasm from masturbation but I think most will vouch that it's a whole different game when you're really connecting with someone. It's this team work and a confidence that you're striving towards your orgasm together that might help you to climax whist having sex with him.

    Kegels

    One last thing. Have you tried kegel exercises? If you really work at them (and I don't mean a few clenches here and there) it could change your life.

    I don't know if any of this is remotely useful or relevant but I hope it's provided a spring board for ideas. As long as you're happy, confident and getting pleasure from sex you've already got it sussed.

    1267925618
    Tigerlilies [sign in to see picture]
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    One last thing, going on your review, it sounds like you really enjoyed the PowerHead Rocket 4 Piece Massager Vibrator and you mentioned that it feels better to keep it still in one place.

    If you found that this got you close, but you went numb before you got all the way, have you tried muffling it a bit with fabric so you can hold it there for longer.

    1267926491
    WandA [sign in to see picture]
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    *clap clap*

    Excellent post TL,

    You may just be better at making women come by text than many men and women are able to do in person!

    ( mucky texts exempt from the above statement)

    1268063968
    Tigerlilies [sign in to see picture]
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    WandA wrote:

    *clap clap*

    Excellent post TL,

    You may just be better at making women come by text than many men and women are able to do in person!

    ( mucky texts exempt from the above statement)

    Good grief, phone sex is so 2004. Everyone gets their kicks on Twitter now.

    1268081510
    me [sign in to see picture]
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    Thank you so much for all that advice!

    I will have a go with the Powerhead Rocket again, my partner and I use it every time during sex as manual stimulation feels good until we start having sex, and then I feel I cannot feel anything from manual stimulation but then I seem to loose sensation of even the Rocket during sex after a short while and simply focus on helping my parter to climax. I will try the stop start method during sex though, I have tried this when masturbating alone and do feel excitement building but again, I do seem to just loose it rather than have any sort of nice release and it can be frustrating.

    I will have a read through those articles you posted too, thank you.

    I am thinking of trying a new phychosexual therapist too as there is another I can see but I need referral from my Doctor rather than simply being referred from a GUM clinic so it will mean another embarrassing Doctor visit

    As for swelling after sex, I guess we should start using lube again and see if that makes any difference.

    I will see what happens, thank you!

    1268082416
    SEXYGET 69 [sign in to see picture]
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    Hiya Me and welcome to the forum girl. :-) Apologies I have nothing to add for fear of repetition, to the already fantastic advice but I do hope you get this sorted. SG x

    1269348949
    me [sign in to see picture]
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    ooooo I think I had an orgasm today as after I finished I continued to feel 3-4 muscle spasms about 10 seconds apart but definetly something :-)

    It wasn't over the top amazing but it did feel good and it is a great start yay!

    1269355721
    Alicia D'amore [sign in to see picture]
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    Whoo - sounds like an orgasm to me, don't worry if you don't have another for some time, at least you know that certain tricks are working and you can gradually build these up to make the feeling more intense!

    Ax

    1269359385
    Tigerlilies [sign in to see picture]
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    Great news, did you try something different or was it just a matter of perseverance?

    1269529518
    me [sign in to see picture]
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    I tried stopping and starting because I don't think I had done that properly before. I have not managed another one yet but I definetly am enjoying it more and getting more turned on. I am getting a bit wet now too and I feel my face flush just before but I still loose the concentration before I come I think but I think I have achieved a mild one now at least :)

    1269608955
    Alicia D'amore [sign in to see picture]
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    Whoo :)

    Well done for the positivie attitude to it all too! That's the hardest bit :)

    Axx

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