1. finally getting a real sex life but it’s a bumpy ride…

    ShyAndChatty [sign in to see picture]
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    In my 30’s and only getting my first man ever…yes…finally…… been using toys until now because of self esteem and body hate…anyway finally went online and after a few terrible messages find someone nice to chat to, even if i had to travel the world to meet him i did fly to New Zealand after nearly 6 months of skyping and messaging(was really shitting myself honestly as it’s really not next door…)well i arrived beginning of April and things are pretty good in general (im not allowed to work at the moment so while he’s working im staying at his mum and dad so we can know each other and they show me the area,it was my idea and so far it’s good ad im in the good books and the mum helping me through immigration requests and what to do or don’t with her son and she always gave me good advice) however as you can guess i can’t talk sex with her so here i am…

    he has been really unlucky in his past relationships and probably left him sour towards quite a few things…… and the big one is…sex

    being my first time i wasnt really sure what to expect but it was good, however i realised i was the only one always initiating sex and when we’re having sex it’s basically in and out with no caress or anything and after a few times i really had to get it out and tell him he made me feel like iwas so disgusting that he had to do it quickly to just get over with which he’s not out of sex because he’s always gentle, kissing, cuddling, very thougtful and really caring, he does a lot for me since im here but this was just wow what is happening so he sadly told me that he used to be with a girl who would never ever initiate sex and would say to him”are you finished yet” …………

    i was really devastated for him when he told me but also i said to him well you obviously know how it feels to be treated like you treat me so why do you do it and he said he doesn’t mean to and that he’s conditionned to be like that because of this girl but this is really hard for me to because i have many issues with my body so when i thought about the man id finally get i didnt think of this happening at all………… since we had this chat he’s actually getting better as each time we had sex he was more physical and seemed to be enjoying it more and more “present”

    would you have any tips for me on what i should say or do and absolutely shouldn’t say or do as well

    Ian Chimp [sign in to see picture]
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    I think it takes a little while to acclimatise to any new partner, especially if they've been left with a few issues from past experiences. I wouldn't take it personally, he sounds like he likes you a lot.

    I think the best things are the obvious ones. Good communication and being open, positive and patient. Good luck to you. It sounds like you've made a very exciting move. 🙂

    K&c30's [sign in to see picture]
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    +1 to Ian's comments.

    I would like to add one more suggestion. A session but with no penetration. Take it in turns to lie on the bed and discover and explore your bodies to the point of orgasm. This will highlight what you like/dislike using hands and tongues.

    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    It sounds like you are doing just fine with him; things seem to be improving.

    Do you talk to him during sex; try to encourage him by letting him know what you are loving, tell him where and how you like to be touched; or if you find that difficult, move his hands. But ask him before, outside of the bedroom, if he's ok with you doing that. Once he gets the hang of things he should be able to adlib from all the things he knows you love, without you having to say or do anything.

    Also keep reasuring him that he can take however long it takes, I wouldn't say things like, "keep doing that, don't stop" it may seem as if you are letting him know he can keep going as long as he needs to, but said that way he could end up feeling too much pressure to keep going for you. For now that's may be too much for him.

    And good luck with you move, I think you are so brave, and it seems to have really paid off for you.

    Guy14357 [sign in to see picture]
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    • Joined: 26 Jan 2018


    i know how he feels being conditioned it happened to me. Took me a couple of weeks with constant contact to change. Don’t worry though it will happen.

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