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  1. New Relationship - Errection issues

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    Snugglebum82 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Officer Cadet
    • Posts: 3
    • Joined: 9 May 2018

    I'm in a newish relationship (4 months) with a 41 year old man I'm 36. The first time we had sex after Oral and foreplay he went soft half way through, he made himself hard again and we carried on. Afterwards he said that had never happened before and that he thinks more foreplay would help. We have since mainly had oral sex and not penetrive but when we do again he looses his erection. He then told me he thinks it is because I'm not like any of his past partners . I am quite shy but at this stage we are still getting to know each other and I didn't think being a bit more reserved would turn off a man. We have so far only had sex once where he's not lost his erection during. He loves Oral sex and I've mastered how he likes it and I really do like to please him....however roll on to last weekend where after our first successful sex session in the afternoon he wanted oral sex but I couldn't get him to go hard at all...he seemed quite mad and told me it's not working and that he doesn't fancy me.
    The rest of our relationship has been great he was very loving, kind and we had so much in common.He now had shut me off and won't speak to me.Do you think he genuinely is getting turned off by me/doesn't fancy me or do you think he's got a problem? I really want to sort it out. He's given me no reason to think he doesn't fancy me as I don't understand why he would have continued seeing me and why he would even get into bed with me, it's not helping my confidence not knowing if it's me or not
    Sorry for the very long post 😣

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    Justthe2ofus2007 [sign in to see picture]
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    • Joined: 4 Mar 2018

    Snugglebum I think it maybe something to do with age, it could be something from his past. It could be a number of reasons. My hubby had a issue last weekend, again it hasn’t happened before. He’s older than me and at present my sex drive is very high. He maybe struggling to deal with a sudden sex life agsin. Either way communication is the key. He needs reassurance and patience . At the same time he needs to respect you too, saying horrible things won’t help either of you.

    Good luck with it all x

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    Snugglebum82 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Officer Cadet
    • Posts: 3
    • Joined: 9 May 2018
    Thank you justthe2ofus xx

    I've lead a very sheltered sex life after 2 long term relationships with partners that weren't in to sex. So I do know I've been holding back due to lack of confidence and just being totally out of the swing of things! I came on here to order some sexy outfits but sadly he's finished with me before I've got to wear them for him. I can't help but feel it's more of a mental block he's putting up rather than it actually being me as I'm open to trying anything and I was looking forward to my sex life with him..I haven't said anything to make him feel bad about the erection issue either I said I'm happy to work on it and do whatever it takes, however his answer is just that he must not be attracted to me if his rocket won't stay hard.
    He won't talk to me at all but I am hoping to see him Saturday for something we had already booked that we both agreed we would still go to so I'm hoping I can talk to him then fingers crossed (plus I'm going to look as attractive as I possibly can!)

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    Justthe2ofus2007 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 1281
    • Joined: 4 Mar 2018

    Sometimes men see it as a weakness. My hubby was really annoyed with himself as he felt like he was letting me down. At present my sex drive is thro the roof, so we have been having a lot of sex on a daily bases . He was worried that I would find someone younger who could keep up with me. He knows I love him and we would work thro it.
    It’s a real shame he hasn’t talked it through with you as you sound very understanding .

    I hope it works out for you x

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    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 1993
    • Joined: 27 Feb 2010

    It seems to me that he's embarassed by what happened, and doesn't know what to do, so he's pushing you away rather than trying to deal with it. He may even have started to believe that it must somehow you, as it may be the first time he has had this issue. A sort of head in the sand behaviour.

    This kind of thing can happen at the start of a new relationship, especially as the guy gets older. It can be quite a shock to find out that they are at the door of that time in a mans life where down stairs can start going on the fritz when ever it likes. It can be the pressure of performing for a new partner; feeling after such an event, that they may no longer be up for the job any more. Especially as you are 5 years younger than him; that in and of it's self can be a source of pressure. He may have thought that you would be better with a younger guy " who works" as you will only end up leaving him over this issue, anyway.

    being men, the first thing they do is go into denial, blame the other person, it can't be them; it calls into question their masculinity, a touchy subject for most men. And one they often try to avoid talking about.

    As it's a new relationship, it seems he's decided that it can't be him, and he will go find someone else to prove to himself that it wasn't him. I doubt very very much if it's anything to do with how much he fancies you. Or he's decide it's easier for him to push you away than admit to you that he may have reached that time of his life.

    There are many things he can do to help with this, the main one being to relax, and try not to feel that presure to perform. As he appears to have dumped you, it's pointless going through ways to help him. If you do get to talk to him, you can always come back for help with the how to help.

    You may find it hard to get him involved in such a conversation, at least at the moment. All you can do is try to reasure him that if he wants to try again that you will support him. But if he insists he doesn't fancy you, then it's going to be difficult to get any further with him. This is his issue sooner or latter he's going to have to face up to it.

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    The Woodie [sign in to see picture]
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    Can I respond from a man's perspective.

    I have recently started a new relationship after a long gap, and currently 6 weeks in.

    I am older than Snugglebum82's partner but have experienced the same issues. Absolutely raring for it until the point of penetration and then it went down like a popped balloon. Nerves had a lot to do with my problem and this impacts subsequent occassions. I have experienced it before and know that if I can get past the initial penetration then things will firm up.

    I was embarressed that I was unable to continue the moment for my OH, I was annoyed with myself for the same reason. We had a quiet time together, discussed it, blamed the little chap, laughed about it and devised solutions..

    In no way was I annoyed with my OH and it is unacceptable to me for Snugglebum82's partner to get annoyed with them.

    I think this may not be the first for him and has decided it is not his problem directly and is somehow your fault and he is upset that it has re-occurred. We men will not always discuss at the time whilst we internalise and self-examine the issue but will usually discuss at a later time.

    As he appears to have called time on the relationship and announced he doesn't fancy you, whether in reality or self-defence, it is apparent that he isn't willing or able to discuss it.

    If he can't have a discussion about your closest times and offloads the cause, perhaps it is better that it is put down to experience.

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    Snugglebum82 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Officer Cadet
    • Posts: 3
    • Joined: 9 May 2018

    Thank you Alicia & Woodie I really appreciate your replies it's made me feel a bit better about what's probably happening. I will persevere and if I can manage to get him to talk to me I shall let you know what happens. Fingers crossed x

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