1. Boyfriend's self-esteem

    flyinghighbutterfly [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Major
    • Posts: 4
    • Joined: 22 Oct 2008

    Thanks for the responses.

    When I try and raise the issue he starts off by getting defensive, then he gets really down about it. When he gets down he tends to stay down for a number of hours or until he's been asleep. In the morning he's fine again I just struggle to know what to do when he's down.

    He says he tends to get down when I'm down so it's not helpful that I'm finishing off an MA at the moment whilst working full time in an unpaid placement. Money is a big worry (though approaching to be less so) although we have just enough to get by.

    His anxieties are not money-related though as when we first got together we obviously didn't live together & he's always had these worries about himself.

    As an example yesterday he did the laundry & did it in 3 small loads instead of 2 big ones like I would have done. I asked him how come he did it in 3 small instead of 2 big & he explained & it was fine. Then later on we were discussing why he was feeling down yesterday and he said it's because he "does everything wrong" and "just wants to make me happy".

    I keep telling him he DOES make me happy and that the laundry wasn't a big deal and everything but he doesn't seem to believe me. On top of that is the sex worries so it's just this undercurrent to the whole relationship.

    On a day to day basis we're honestly a very strong, secure and happy couple. We're incredibly loving and he's very supportive. I just wish I knew how to make him feel better about himself !

    flyinghighbutterfly [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Major
    • Posts: 4
    • Joined: 22 Oct 2008

    As an aside - when he does do something well I always make sure I thank him & tell him what a good job he's done. It doesn't seem to stick though & he gets really hung up over things which are very small.

    DesignDude [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Brigadier
    • Posts: 254
    • Joined: 13 Jul 2009

    sounds to me like he might actually be depressed! and depressed in a medical sense not just in a "down in the dumps" sense!

    has he looked at getting counselling about his general mental well being? i could be barking completely up the wrong tree here obv but as people have mentioned premature ejaculation is generally a psychological issue and so there may be help available that isn't just a diversion from penetrative sex.

    Obviously avoiding/replacing penetrative sex is a great option and i agree with everyone else on that but i would also say the problem would be better confronted.

    this is just my opinion obv and i'm no expert, just thought i'd throw in my 2 cents!

    hope you find the answer

    Alicia D'amore [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 3332
    • Joined: 2 Feb 2008

    I have similar self esteem issues to your fella (your latest post rang true for me!) I constantly worry that I'm not good enough for my partner and it regularly ruins big events as I put so much pressure on myself to be perfect. It is still a problem in our relationship so I can't help you cure it yet (I'm working on it though haha) however.....I find that by accepting I have a problem and that it is MY problem, it doesn't tend to affect the relationship as well as it could. Because I know that whilst I do feel like I'm not good enough, I am and it's all silly nonsense in my head, it doesn't make it go away, but it does make things easier to deal with as I know I can take a step back and a deep breath if I'm worrying too much.

    I have also learnt what types of reassurance help me, if I need a cuddle I go to my love and calmly say "I don't feel very confident right now, can I have a cuddle and some reassurance please" and then I feel better. If I need to be rational then I will sit down by myself and rationalise why I'm wrong. Sometimes I just need a good cry (or a good night's sleep). My point is, that by knowing it is my problem and by knowing that it is an unneccessary insecurity, whilst I can't shake it off completely, I can work on being more confident and try to be more positive about things.

    Does any of that make sense? Sorry if it doesn't.

    Also it my help to know exactly what triggered it. For me it was my parents - my dad has really high standards and I've never *quite* been good enough so I feel I'm not good enough for my man. It may be the girls who cheated on him or it may be something else but knowing can help.

    Basically what I'm saying is you really need to try and get him to open up (with you or someone else). If you choose to talk to him about anything I've said please make sure you choose your words really carefully as he could feel like he's to blame for any problems and I'm sure that won't make him feel any better.

    DD's advice is very good - it's worth looking into the mentality side of things!


    ps - sorry this is written so badly - it's a difficult thing to get my head around, let alone to explain it to others but please feel free to ask me about anything

    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 2029
    • Joined: 27 Feb 2010

    Starsparkle this isnt advice I dont seem to be good at that. this is a look at what was going on in my head, when i couldn't even get it up at all, for my ex, to see if it rings any bells for you,

    i felt that it was my job as a man to do this properly for her, no matter how much she told me the it didn't matter to her because she had never been able to do this, i just thought she was being kind and loving, trying to alay my fears, at her own expense, because i would have do that in a heart beat for her. telling me that no other man had ever done that for her so she was used to the idea that it wasnt possible for her. was in retrospect the worst possible thing that she could have said

    because what came into my head like an express train was well its up to you mate to put that right, see had complained that all her other ex's had been selfish pigs. who had got them selves off then left her to a diy job, so i though;t i would never do that so i was on a mission, to fix that for her. the pressure to succeed was so immense, i hadnt had sex for 25 years because my first had trod me like a carpet made me feel utterly worthless, as a man. when my recent ex and i first tried to have sex i was thinking i must do this first time out. when i tried to penetrate her i just couldnt do it it felt so wrong because of my past experience with my first. result i paniced. i saw to her needs, but from then on i felt no desire for sex for myself i couldnt even do it solo, any more, but i did every thing for her i could. then i began to think well my first was right i am a worthless piece of shit. down and down. i went, when she was unhappy due to work place issues down i went again, i should help her i am the man here, but i was at a loss as to how to do this, im worthless at this for her: again.

    when we went to a family do i choose a shirt no dont like that one she said its pink, pick another, i thought god i can i ever get it right for her. when she had rejected all my shirts, that was it. she then went and chose the pink one after i had told her it made me feel confident. my head spun.

    then i was worrying what other man might say if they knew, its often a bully point for men. more pressure. the more that she tried to help the worse it got. a man is supposed to be able to fix his own problems or hes not a man. i refused to talk about it. so then i decided that for her sake i would leave her. she said if you think you are leaving me over this youre wrong; if i have to keep you tied to the bed your mine and im keeping you. i would have to start all over again when i have excactly what i have searched my whole life for., right here. and and im not about to wait another 20 years.

    i was gob smacked burst into tears and every thing came pouring out for hours. she told me of a tv program that said that many women just cannot come from penetration no matter what. i had no choice but to believe her. i gave her the best sex i could by other means, and we agreed that if i let go for now we would work on it slowly together. and solve it when my body was ready to let go of the past. she even found she could give me tripple orgasms with her fingers. up my arse. so i was getting satisfied too. then she stopped doing anything for me. some times. and other things changed so i left her but thats another story.

    i know your OH is comming too quick for his own liking. so its a bit different than my story but they may be things in this that help you understand what is possible to go on in a mans mind at this times like this. hope this helps a bit.

    PS you dont say if he comes too quick on his second or third erection, during a longer session. or does he stop after the first time. i always came within a few min with my first, but i didn't feel bad because my second would last 15 or 20 min the third even longer. which actually caused a problem on its own because she had to call a halt to me some times because she was sore.

    Post a reply to this thread

    Please sign in to post messages to the forum.