• Boyfriend's self-esteem

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    flyinghighbutterfly [sign in to see picture]
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    I'm writing in because I am concerned about my boyfriend. We've been together for nearly two years and known each other for five. We have a fantastic relationship and he's loving & giving in every way possible. However, our sex life is struggling. We enjoy playing with toys and own most of lovehoney !! I have plenty of sexy lingerie and will wear it whenever he wants me to. The accessories side of things isn't an issue... What is an issue is his low self-esteem. He doesn't "last" very long in bed. I've told him that this is FINE that I don't CARE and that I don't get off through penetration but this doesn't seem to alleviate his fears. This fear is leading him to not initiate sex and sometimes we can go for over a fortnight with so much as a fumble. We're very touchy/feely as a rule but moving it past that seems to make him have a mental block ! I've suggested counselling but he won't go. I suspect he feels like this because his b*tch ex cheated on him at least once with other guys (and I found evidence on facebook to suggest she was cheating on him for at least the whole of the last year of their relationship) and maybe said some things to him which are echoing around his head. He denies this could be the case but recognises that being cheated on can have an effect on self-esteem.

    How can I help him to have a better self-esteem in bed? I've trawled the internet for help on this and now I'm getting desperate.

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    Ecksvie [sign in to see picture]
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    Sorry to hear you're having trouble.

    Sadly, such things as cheating can have an effect on self-esteem. Even if it's not conscious, subconsciously it can throw barriers your way. I'm assuming based on the context, when you say he doesn't "last" you're meaning to say he can't sustain an erection rather than he orgasms too quickly.

    I dont know much of what your whole bedroom experience together is, but do you ever initate sex yourself? I know personally I have difficulty doing it as a girl, but your fella may be having trouble feeling under pressure that he has to initiate it and perform for you. If you were able to get the ball rolling, it may give him a confidence boost and make him feel more desirable.

    Also, foreplay can be a big thing. Perhaps try extending the buildup to sex, and maybe even have some occasions where playing with each other is the main event and forget sex altogether. Also try and depend on your own natural talents rather than toys - these may be becoming a crutch for him to lean on and stimulate you with since he may feel he's not up to the task himself.

    There are a few products on LH which are designed to help with erectile dysfunction, but in your case I believe that the problem is psychological rather than physical and buying such a product may end up doing more harm than good. My advice is to do your best to make him feel desirable and loved, and do your best to make it not an issue when things go wrong during sex.

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    WandA [sign in to see picture]
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    There was a recent thread by a man suffering something from a similar issue, he asked for a bit of advice and found things very supportive and he received a few suggestions. It helped him get over the general crap that society portrays and get real opinions and ideas he unlikely would of got.

    Getting him on here might be somewhere for a confidence boost as I'm sure many of the OA will testify!

    It might also be worth a forum search... there might be answers that help in other threads. Good luck!

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    Tigerlilies [sign in to see picture]
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    Hey, WandA, was it the thread Magic Hand's started you had in mind? May be some useful info there.

    All good advice above too.

    http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/community/forums/orgasm-army/sexual-health/157896-advice-and-help-is-needed-please/

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    WandA [sign in to see picture]
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    T'was indeed TL!

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    Alicia D'amore [sign in to see picture]
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    Good advice already. Can I suggest also that getting over the idea of sex meaning penetration too! Things have been way better with my partner (my problems in our case) since we got over that hump and now can go a while without penetrative sex as the oral and other sexual acts feel like full sex to us. I would say we have sex every day, but we have PIV sex a lot less frequently. No need to last long in oral - you can stop and start easily!

    Ax

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    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    yes get him on here, another one tonight that i think i can really help read through my posts from my profile i am a reforming nice guy. one of my issues was the fact that i cant gat it up for a woman at all despite being straight. you will see why from my posts i used to think a woman wouldnt want me at all because i couldnt perform at all. but i sure as hell know how to press alot off the right buttons for a woman.

    my recent ex never got out of my bed without an orgasm. the whole of her life she had had to turn over and finnish herself off till me. she was over the moon and then some to get off at last by her lovers hands as she has never been able to orgasm from penetration either. and she is over 40. and i have found plenty of other ways for a woman to get me off even if i lost my dick in a car crash tomorrow in could still go through the rest of my life having great orgasms by other means.

    hey TL hun why didnt you send starsparkle my way thought you would have known i could help. or is this place turning me from a nice guy into a bigheaded arrogant self serving prick. ?????

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    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    trying to find other ways for him to get off in bed would help as i said above but if he is happy with his cum, all you have to do tell him that you are happy he has come even quickly throw in the words god it makes me feel good that i can turn you on so much, and you do feel that im sure. hes just feeling that hes let you down because he cant give you much him in side you time. tell him that you only care that he has got what he needs and that other ways beside him inside you are just as good in fact better for you. i know you will have already told him this but its hard to believe because he fears that you love him so much that you would say and do anything for him, because he would do the same for you in a heart beat. and he doesnt want to see you have to do this because he his the man and its his job to give you every thing you want without you having to have do it for him, "nice guy"

    Im i starting to see "nice guys" everywhere you know seeing things that arnt there or can i just see my own behavior patterns laid out in other men.

    if im wrong im wrong enough said if not again read all my other posts.

    if im starting to get up your nose with this TL just say so but another one you could have sent my way hun. bet you hate "hun" i deff am getting so serious confidence boost on here

    night all A4E

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    Tigerlilies [sign in to see picture]
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    Sure, Alone4ever, there might be some cross over points that would help out either case but I think there are a lot of different issues in either situation with very defined factors at play.

    Hi, Starsparkle, nice cupcake. May I ask do you and your lover communicate a lot whilst you're at play? When he's satisfying you in ways that don't involve penetration it can be easy to forget a little vocal encouragement. You can tell your man he blows your mind a million times during a sit down conversation but it has a much more potent effect when you say it during the act. It's a great boost to anyone's ego.

    Sorry to hear he's had some girlfriend trouble in the past but it sounds like it might be best for both of you to think of her as ancient history who isn't worth the time of day. If you've got any connections to her on facebook, I would delete it and spring clean any associations with her from your lives in general.

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    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    there always are many issues at play in any give situation and when you are not there to see them all in person its impossible to determine them even i am still uncovering new threads to explore every day let alone someone not in my head trying to find them for me. i just belive that giving someone detailed ways to try and see if they work so that you know what you are attempting and how to go about it is better than a broad sweeping state ment, that you have no ldea how to impliment, its just my personal take on my situation. and how i have been able to try new approaches. i need something to get hold of so that i can go away and try it, and say no that dont work but it was worth the effort, or maybe if i twiked it a bit to fit me it may work its all trial and error i spent far too many years waiting for one answer that would solve every problem when i knew full well i didnt even know how many problems i had. the child abuse thing dident even surface fully until i had started to try and find solutions to how i felt about being raped. the positive sounding answers i have posted are meant to give people a little confidence to give it a go, and see what comes of it nothing at all or just a litle way into see what else is underneath. so please give me a little credit please im not totally stupid and i dont mean to sound rude here. but i am only TRYING to help others. because i felt that maybe i could offer a different slant for someone to try. people here your self include have helped me so why should i not at least try to help others. and i just feel that your last post here was a very polite gentle put down. i dont deserve that even from you.!!!! hope we are still friends after this but i had to say it.

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    flyinghighbutterfly [sign in to see picture]
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    Hey

    Thanks for the responses.

    I think I should clarify something - when I say he doesn't "last" very long I mean he ejaculates quickly, we've never had a problem with erectile dysfunction.

    As for me initiating - that's the only way I've been able to have sex with him since about the first fortnight we got together! In the beginning he was OK but then he gradually lost his confidence and now he never initiates at all. When we go for over a fortnight without having sex it's because I've gotten sick of being the one who always has to start things off. Once we get going he's OK but he'll never initiate. This really annoys me and is a massive turn-off though I don't let him know that.

    As for foreplay - that's mostly what we do when we have sex. I'm really encouraging and we talk dirty to each other the whole way through. Once he's "in the zone" it's like he's OK but then he loses his confidence as soon as he climaxes quickly.

    I've got a magic wand & he'll whip that out quite early on in the toying and so I always get off during sex.

    The issue we have is that no matter how much I tell him penetration doesn't matter and that I don't really get off from it he's really hung up over the fact that he doesn't last more than about 5 minutes once penetration starts. We've tried different positions but he doesn't seem to be able to keep from blowing his top really quickly !!

    How can I delay him? Maybe it'll make him feel better if he manages longer than 5 minutes? He's got a real hang-up about this.

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    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    perhaps instead of trying to convince him your ok ask him if he can talk about how it makes him feel to come so quickly, and what he whats to try and achieve. is that he feel he wants to be able to stay in you longer for his own pleassure but i very much doubt that that thought is in his head, but as man who cant get it up at all my only thought is that it is about you and his feelings of being a real man for you. using delay sprays or two condoms, or other physical techniques, are fine but until you sort his head out he will get nowhere.

    if it was me i would be embarrassed to talk of it until i had been comvinced that you will still love me no matter what my problems are and that no matter what they are you would all ways see me as the man you will always want and will always love that would make me feel safe enough to open up to you. then and only then do you stand a chance of convincing him of anything else. the more he frets the hard it will get be able to get him to talk you dont seem to have anything to work with because you dont really know what it is that is bothering him about this. i think you really need to get inside his hesd to help him but that could be damed hard work but keep chipping away slowy, i used to need the constant reasurence that "we would still be ok no matter what. when he does open up and you are still there it will be a big relief for him

    i had exactly the same problem feeling that she would leave me because i couldnt get it up at all. i thought i was not man enough for her to want me anymore i even tryed to leave her becuase of it. only when she said if i have to keep you tied to the bed for the rest of our lives you are not bloody leaving me over this i want you and i am bloody well gonna keep you no matter what you think. i worked hard to net you if if you think i want to start all over again when i have exactly what i want right here. your out of your head darling you a fucking staying so get fucking used to it sweet heart. i was shocked to say the least but it shook me enough to be able to believe that she was ok with me not getting inside her and infact getting the best sex in her life till i started worrying how she was with it.

    just my own experiences but it wont hurt to try before he comes up with my stupid solution to the problem.

    good look hope you keep use up to date we are all thinking of you here.

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    Tigerlilies [sign in to see picture]
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    starsparkle wrote:

    How can I delay him? Maybe it'll make him feel better if he manages longer than 5 minutes? He's got a real hang-up about this.

    Accessories

    Hi, Starsparkle, a lot of members have found a little practice makes perfect so using some self love to try and prolong your personal record has been found to be very useful. Some find accessorising with goodies from the Tenga range: http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/brands/tenga/ are a dream.

    There's a great range of delay condoms that often contain a little numbing agent at the nub. http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/store.cfm?cat=1356 You don't have to splash out and they really do work.

    The French Letter has built-in cock rings: http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/product.cfm?p=16598

    Speaking of which, vibrating and non-vibrating cock rings have also got some great pleasure delay effects to them, as well as having the potential to heighten your enjoyment too.

    http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/store.cfm?cat=46

    Sounds like you're very understanding of his situation, which is one of the most important things he'll need.

    Sexual Technique

    When it comes to bedroom sourced solutions, you might want to try some positions where you are more in control. Missionary is notorious for being counter productive. Try some girls on top action and if your man is getting too close, swap to a different position.

    Another great tip for when you're going down or providing some manual relief is a pinch to the penis. If you're man is about to come, stop what you're doing and firmly but gently pinch around the head of the penis with your thumb and index finger. Let go and wait a few seconds before he signals that you're back on track.

    Lifestyle

    Make sure you're man is getting enough sleep, exercise and is destressed before you begin. They can all play havoc with your play time.

    Hope there's a few ideas to help,

    Tigerlilies x

    1267702543
    Lovehoney - Bot [sign in to see picture]
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    LoveHoney - Bot says:

    Please remember that everyone can contribute to threads and offer advice.

    If you have been through a similar situation, it's great to offer tried and tested help but please be polite and remember that other people will respond too.

    Insisting that forum members be directed straight to the people who have been in this type of situation before will make a thread feel very closed and could prevent some great answers from being posted.

    Each person is able to explore threads on their own and this nature of "you should alert this topic to me because I know best" has been quite prevalent recently.

    Be kind, be courteous, add your advice and don't take anything too personally. Intonation is hard to convey through the internet so instead of taking offense straight away, take a step back and breathe. Come back to it at a later date and you will probably feel differently.

    Here is a reminder of the rules for everyone.

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    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    sorry you are right lovehoney bot thanks for pointing this out to me i know you are refering to me. i just really want to help people and havent learned yet how to do it properly your help on this matter has been much apreciated thanks for talking the time to do it

    TL my rebutal was arrogant and presumptius and you were perfectly correct to ignore me. im so sorry but i do want to learn not to be like that. learning to stand up for myself and not ending up turning in to an arse hole it seams is going to something i have deal with on my journey, at least i take comfort in the fact the i can take constructive critism and see it as the help it is. thanks again both of you.

    i just want to say that digging into my own thought to try if badly to help. has helped me a lot, i will put it down on my own thread, may be you can forgive me enough to at least read it and may be offer comments, if im lucky.

    sorry to starsparkle too

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    sexynurse09 [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi Starsparkle,

    My fella (Magic Hands) is going though this too. He was also cheated on twice by both of his ex girlfriends. Obviously this has affected his self esteem, whether he knows it or not. I've also told him it doesn't matter how long he lasts as it's not the penetration thats important to me either. Sometimes he can last for ages, and sometimes less than a minute. It matters to him and he's has got upset about it in the past.

    I've found it helps to have a good long foreplay session, get him to cum during foreplay and then build up the excitement again. When we've tried this he lasts a good half an hour if not more during intercourse.

    I agree with Tigerlilies also that your lifestyle has an impact, and do try differen positions (I love missionary because I love him to be on top and in charge) but it is important to swap and change to experience different angles of penetration, different sensations etc...

    Finally communication. One of the most important aspects of any relationship. Does he know that you're sick of initiating sex all the time? Talking to him about this (in a gentle way - be careful how you go about it) may help. He may not even realise its a problem.

    When I was with my ex, and even now, I rarely initiate sex, mainy because I just don't have as high a sex drive as my partner and i'm often tired from work. It could be something as simple as that, or it could be because he's downhearted about the premature ejaculation.

    Why not plan a special night, just the two of you, i'm thinking nice meal, candlelit bubble bath, massage (game of monogamy if you own it!) and make it the rule NOT to have penetrative sex. Spend time exploring eachothers bodies and enjoying the different sensations without the ultimate goal being sex. This will take the pressure off him to perform and you can both concentrate on just enjoying whats happening.

    Best of luck Starsparkle, I hope things get sorted for you both :)

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    Lou232 [sign in to see picture]
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    Oh Starsparkle, that really sucks :( I was in a similar situation with my OH when we started going out, although it manifests in zero self confidence combined with extreme need for affection. His ex was manipulative, cruel and unpleasant. Example - she cheated and then when she left made sure to hide love notes in all his books to the other guys he finds years later (who does that?!?!). So he was fairly broken. I find that you have to be incredibly patient and work very hard on communication. Perhaps you should try lots of solo play if you don't already, so you feel less horny when you're around him. If you seem happy to have sex but also equally just happy to cuddle it really takes the pressure off him. Maybe do things like let him watch you play, or record yourself playing and encourage him to watch it. Masturbation can help with stamina and if it's you he is watching, he'll get used to associating you with longer erections.

    Also, how much do you talk about this? And do you ever let your frustration show? I know myself that what you think is gentle and understanding can seem to him to be constant nagging, especially if it is such a sensitive subject as this. He may feel you are emasculinating him, completely unintentionally. There is also likely to be a deep undercurrent of self-hate and a belief that he trully isn't good enough. The sad thing is that only bad stuff gets through that, so anything you say will be twisted by the demon on his shoulder into a negative comment, no matter how you try to put it. Right now, I'm going to say that you're a lovely person (due to how much you care and how hard you try) and you shouldn't think I'm saying you are doing anything wrong. However, as a sufferer of BDD I can tell you that you can hear a slur in the most perfect complement on the planet when things are bad, so just remember you've got to fight the demon for his attention.

    Last thing - if things are really bad and he's deeply unhappy, try talking to a doctor. It's a horrible thing to bring up, but if he does, they might really be able to help you both. He might be given some help and it could only take a little course before he's back to his old self. But until then, just build on his confidence. And lots and lots of foreplay - maybe try massages, bubble baths, cooking dinner together, making out while watching movies but without any mention of sex. Once his confidence grows, so will he if you get my drift.

    Hope this is helpful, sorry for the length. Take care of yourselves and I hope that everything works out really well for you both :) healing is slow so you'll need lots of time but you sound like the wonderful sort of person who will do it. Good luck! Lxxx

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    masterandslave [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi Starsparkle,

    do you give each other massages at all? these can be great fun and very relaxing just before you go to sleep. they also dont have to lead to sex, but of course they can sometimes. there is a lot of new booty parlour items just released which look to be great fun for a spot of relaxation.

    you could also try something like a cock ring - this will keep him harder longer, but i'm not sure if they will stop him coming too soon. we have tried these durex condoms...

    http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/product.cfm?p=343

    ...they made my other half a bit too numb, but a lot of reviewers have had very good responses to them!

    Does he like to talk about things or does he tend to bottle things up or get anxious when you bring the subject up?

    x

    1267736808
    Alicia D'amore [sign in to see picture]
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    We've tried those condoms too. They worked too well and made my fella go soft so that's worth being prepared for that scenario if your fella is insecure anyway. However - they could be a really useful thing to try so maybe talk to your fella about them and let him know that it's a thing to maybe try but not to worry if they don't work.....plus if they do make him go soft he can experience the "soft blowjob" apparantly it's amazing to be sucked when soft!

    Another thing to consider is PC muscle training. Get your fella to play around with tensing and relaxing the PC muscles (the ones that stop your wee midflow) during masturbation and see how that helps. It'll take time and practise but it's supposed to really help when holding off an orgasm.

    Definitely take a look at that thread WandA pointed out too - there are loads of tips in there!

    Ax

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    masterandslave [sign in to see picture]
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    Ooo another exercise whilst hard - my OH loves to do this with morning wood! is to hang some boxers over his erection then tense and relax repeatedly! It's great fun to watch!!

    x

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