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  1. I want to be what a woman really wants, not a nice guy anymore, help

    1267566628
    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    Thanks Tigerlilies, for your last post, on the squirting thread, it put things back into perspective a bit. suppose i needed to see what was on heartless-bitches .com , but if it is meant to help us nice guys, reform it could go about it with a little less venom, if it is meant to drive us face down in our own shit to down then it's done to perfection. and for someone like me, who is still trying not to literally cut my own throat. it could quite literally be a death blow.

    because i still can't quite let go of the feeling that being abused as a child, is my own fault, and that it makes me an evil person. to say nothing of my adult experience. read my other posts anyone who wants to know, i really don't feel like reiterating those facts here.

    despite that fact i don't want to harm anyone. and have driven myself head long into being a nice guy for that very reason. the 3 laws of robotics according to Isac Asimov: have been the abiding principles by which i have lived my life, and would well do to be hard wired into mankind's brains. too many people only apply the primary rule of the second law, and disreguard the secondary but critical over riding rule of this law. if you don't know what i am on about look up Asimov, or watch I robot. we are more than robots, and should not need this to be done to us. But free will is the sword of Damocles, and we are stuck with it for better or worse. someone once said i can't remember who, crap at history, that "the only thing a human being truly has control over is wether they chooses to be good or evil."

    Tigerlilies, the erection problem, is psychological, I quite literally ( seem to be using that word a lot) feel that what i am about to do is abuse, even though the person is more than willing. it seems that my experiences have hard wired that feeling into my sexuality. my therapist uncovered this last session. severe pain accompanied by an understanding of what is being done to you. it is similar to techniques used in psychic manipulation by unscrupuless organisations. don't know how to undo the damage, maybe my therapist will think of something. but anyone feel free to offer thoughts

    but until I have an OH to work on it with, it will just be theory. my god you have got me to not give up.

    many of the points made on heartless-bitches.com hit home with devestating accuracy. Though I take comfort from the fact that I am not the type using nice guy as a cheap ploy. To the guy on there who wrote how can anyone seriously believe that they don't realise what they are doing, thats if I read it right. well friend, it's up to you if you don't believe it is possible, because i didn't know or I wouldn't have kept doing it, who would at the cost of being alone. second i never thought anything other than what my problem was, was entirely my own behavior. it took me to age 22 to figure out that i liked the opposite sex, that way, just couldn't figure out why it felt so wrong to have sex with a woman. dont know why i just wrote that cos he probably won't ever read this.

    1267566772
    Tigerlilies [sign in to see picture]
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    To anyone who's new to aloneforever, the squirting thread has my input so far.

    1267566991
    Tigerlilies [sign in to see picture]
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    Thought I would copy at paste my post from the other thread so I can keep track and save you from writing it again for others. I'll get back to you on this new post soon.

    you're wonderful, Tigerlilies,

    No i don't date, or get out there; my psychologist, keeps trying to drag me out to places to make like minded friends but I have become stubborn about it and tend to dig my heels in. especially since i ended my first all be it short relationship in 25 years, because I felt used. I have been told by people that my mistake is I just try to be friends instead of making a move. but when you feel like you have been backed over by a steam roller a couple of dozen times, and all that is left off you is what is stuck in the cracks in the tarmac; it's hard to pick your self up because you're so strung out and in so many pieces.

    I'm glad to hear you're seeing someone to help you, that's already a massive step and brave, so well done. I understand why it's hard to get out but

    Have you ever seen surfers? When they see a big, bloody almighty wave coming towards them they don't swim away, they paddle harder and harder straight into that thing and that's what gets them over it. It's going to be hard getting out but it is the same for everyone and the stress of it is always part of the deal. But you NEED to get out there and people are missing out if you don't. You've got hurt in your past but it sounds like you're taking steps to confront it and deal. If you can do that, then you can do this. More importantly you can learn from it. You're not going to let someone treat you like that again because you've already been there. The hardest part of these things is starting them.

    I look at myself and i know that this may sound self-abasing but it's all true, im almost 50, 6 stone over weight, got no money to go out anyway. thats before you take into account the fact I can't manage to keep an erection within 10 feet of a naked pussy.

    I'm not going to lie to you it's not a great brief for your dating profile. But you know what? I bet there's a fair few distinguished men on here, with a bit more to love who aren't rolling in cash who can back me up in saying you can still rock it. Holla at me if you're there fellas. It's about loving these statistics not curling up in self loathing. Lovers worth a damn don't care how many cars you have and more people than you would believe think appearances are mere packaging.

    Secondly it's how you look at it? Almost 50? Phhht, that means you've got life experience and you've seen a bit of this world. This is your selling point, you're not a kid you're an adult.

    Six stone overwieght? Well I'm going to be blunt here, if you don't like it, this is another reason to get out there and get fit. Join a local fitness club, aerobics class (Cheap ones appear locally) get running around that block, power walk if you have to. If you work on yourself and make your body a temple you'll feel a million times better. I think it would be good for you to set goals that are about you. If the people you see on daytime TV can be slimmer of the year, so can you. Also ask yourself, would you accept a woman in your life who's of a certain age with a bit extra chub? If yes, than why would they not be interested in you too?

    There's a lot of help on offer for the erection problem which is incredibly common. All kinds of men encounter it and some point and it has nothing to do with your value as a person. Speaking to your GP would be a great step but so would exercise. Stress isn't great either so again find ways to stop, breathe and focus. Sex isn't about 'performing' it's about fun, connecting with someone and laughing so hard you fall off the bed and if your lucky, love too. If I got involved with a guy with this problem I would work around it.

    the several hundred self harm scars, no trunks on a beach for me. on the inside i am so angry because of what happened to me as a child, but it's all turned inward, on myself, the self harm, attempts to kill myself. the last one a year ago, i literally picked up a carving knife and drove it into my chest, just in the right spot for it to go up into my heart only i caught a rib. No woman deserves to inherit that in a man, so I have just about given up.

    This is all awful but you're still here. A survivor is someone who can look at all these things and take strength and learning from them. If you get out there, start meeting people, look after yourself and invest hope in the future this past will become prologue. It will always be with you but it's something that came before the new you

    No woman deserves that? Well, if you keep on a path of recovery I think any woman would be pretty darn happy with a guy who's withstood everything life can throw at them. A man isn't just a warrior because he can wrestle an alligator and get a nun pregnant, he's a warrior when he confronts the most painful emotional hurt in his life and chooses to take nothing but love. Then still has the strength to get out there and give it a go. What isn't attractive is someone who curls up and gives up.

    There are millions of people that would be hardened and bitter in your shoes. Sounds like you couldn't be further than that. That's another thing too. Many people have been through what you have been through. Some worse, some less so. Finding a support network might be a good idea. The point is you're not alone.

    then I am so feminine in the head, I think because I wish that I had been born a woman so that they would not have been interested in me as a child,

    Have you discussed this with your psychologist? It's very common to feel this in your situation. I think your ideas of masculine and feminine have deep roots in the environment you were exposed to at a young age. Your head, your thoughts and your feelings are in my opinion a part of your soul, not a part of your gender. Companies, TV and magazines who want to tell you stuff will talk about the gender divide (which I'm not denying exists) but it's best to not listen to this stuff. Having emotions, hurt, dreams, aspirations and thoughts in general is from being a person first of all.

    The way you phrase this makes it sound like you're not completely over the fact that what happened to you was not your fault. As if you could have done something to prevent it when in fact I would hazard a guess that someone exploited you. This is about power and unfortunately someone who's lacking a very deep part of themselves doing something horrible to you. Again this has nothing to do with gender and nothing to do with you.

    I hate it when someone leaves the seat up, I can't wee standing up for the life of me, I go through more body lotion etc, I shave, and epilate from neck to toe, because I can't bare to have body hair. I could go on but I will stop now.

    Viva la difference! There's lots of men out there like you, you just don't see them wearing t-shirt to advertise it. So you epilate, so you hate how annoying loo seat politics are. It's little peccadilloes that makes us who we are, don't over analyse yourself. I like to eat sausage rolls from the middle and I have a fear of stingrays. It doesn't have anything to do with my value as a person, it's just trivia.

    All I have left now is a strong desire to help others, as I know my body and it's sexual responses having explored it to try and find answers, this is one area I my be able to provide help for others. also it has been good to talk to such as your self. maybe I will find the will here to try again but, it is the other person that I am thinking of.

    Hooray! You're miles ahead of many, many people who haven't been through half the stuff you've been through. How far you must have come. Take some confidence in this and see how mature and respectable it makes you and keep going.

    I had no expectations when I did try to date in the past, i really did just want to have a best friend to talk to to go to the pictures with or for a meal, maybe a hug sometimes. thats what i miss most someone just to hold.

    You're lonely, I hear that. You want what everyone wants. It might be an idea to start joining groups for the sake of meeting friends. Once you start getting a posse together and meet people who you like to be around you will a lot better with a support network. If you meet someone special that's a bonus. I'm sure you know a relationship doesn't solve everything and it's amazing how good, good friends will make you feel even if you don't have another half. It's usually when you're in this happy space that something comes along when you weren't even looking.

    going back to the sex thing, my sexuality, has no label to fit it. sex to my mind is to be penetrated, but I know for sure now after much soul searching that I am not gay, I like women, not men. so the best description I can find is to think of myself as a male lesbian. A complete contradiction in terms, but its the only thing that fits.

    Straight, gay, bi. Don't sweat over it. You seem made up in your mind but whether you sleep with men, women or a teddy bear don't lose one night's sleep over it. Again it doesn't contribute to your value as a person.

    A male lesbian? Oh honey I don't think so. A man who isn't a caveman perhaps? A guy in touch with his feelings? Someone who's on a quest? A journey of to discover themselves? I guy who takes grooming, appearances into consideration. My dear that is called a catch these days. If you don't get out there, no one is going to take the bait. There are many, many men like you with these concerns, you just haven't been heavily exposed to them yet. I remember before I went to uni I felt like the only woman with half a brain. This was because I lived in hicksville and I went to school with an army of daddy's little princesses. Stop trying to label yourself and enjoy what makes you you.

    Hope this is not too heavy, but it feels a relief to express it to you. this place is a gift for me. thanks.

    That's what it's for amigo. Hope it helps. Do you think it might be an idea to take this in to your psychologist? They often recommend writing your feelings down and it can be easier than talking about it sometimes. Also, next time your psychologist tells you to get out, ask them how. What do they think will work for you, where should you go?


    I'm trying to think of sites and organisations I can recommend to help you meet people and get out and about. Any suggestions OA recruits?


    Tigerlilies

    x

    1267568561
    sweetlove666 [sign in to see picture]
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    first of all, thank you so much for sharing all your experiences thus far with us *hugs* you have been through a lot in life, and it takes a lot of courage to admit it and seek change that you want.

    at the minuete the counselling sessions seem to have left you a bit upset and emotional - which is perfectly natural and part of the process. obviously understanding why people act like they do can be just as upsetting and damaging as them doing somehting. but from knowing why, and that things arn't your fault you can draw a lot of power. theres no way you can change the past, but coming to terms with things will be a big help.

    when we start to think certain ways it is sometimes very difficult to make it stop. the errection problems are something you could work through with your psychologist and GP if you feel comfortable to, but obviously when we feel negative, it often affects our ways of thinking sexually.

    don't worry about the self harm scars. a lot of us have them and have used self injury before. the way i see it is that everyone of those scars is a battle youve fought, and as they fade, you're one step closer to winning.

    you take care in your appearance, that does not indicate sexuality. well groomed men are a definate catch! your self confidence seems to be low, and I echo what tigerlillies has said, getting out and about and being active will help endlessly. when we see that people like us for who we are it is such a confidence boost.

    are you a passive person around others? something that's helped me is the rules of assertion http://www.wikivorce.com/divorce/Divorce-Advice/The-New-You/123721-The-Rules-of-Assertion.html think of any times in everyday life that you struggle with things, for example saying "no" to someone, and practise saying key phrases and words that you can use. for example, "no, I do not feel comfortable doing that" or "I want you to be less agressive"

    1267572117
    Alicia D'amore [sign in to see picture]
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    Going on your title and bits of what I've read from some of your previous posts (I'm feeling foggy today so not great at reading long posts and it's a little difficult to confirm what you are asking of us from your posts) I'd like to say - what's wrong with being a nice guy?

    I think a person who is intelligent and pleasant is attractive. However, confidence is a big part of this. Niceness to me is to be pleasant to others and to not be unkind. It doesn't mean to do something you don't want to do for another person! That's where the confidence comes in.....my boyfriend (as an example) is kind and does nice things for me, but if I ask him to do me something he will quite happily say no if he doesn't want to do it or thinks it's unfair of me to ask.

    Do you feel this may be where your problem lies? More with the lack of confidence than the actual "niceness"?

    As I said, some of you posts seem to cross over a little and it's difficult to confirm exactly what you're looking for so could you perhaps define exactly what you are asking? I'd like to help, you seem very genuine and I admire that but I'm just not sure what it is that would help.

    Ax

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    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    thanks sweet love by the way why the 666 are you a bit of a devil???

    used to be a compleate door mat, especially to my younger bro who's a going steady died in the wool male chavanist under going training from his new partner, i can see she has got a tight but fair hold no his leash, and it seems to be paying off for her. seems some women can change them. with me he's a compleate bully but i am starting to find my feet with him. since my older bro called him a compleate and utter arse hole for the way he has been treating me these last few years, and he damed near choked to death on it. wish my older bro had thought to do it years ago. if i had done it and indeed i have a couple of times, it starts a major family row.

    mum used to tell me to stand up to him but when i did and the row started, she would tell me it was my fault, and i was only doing it to hurt her, as i knew how much it hurt her to see her sons rowing. i once asked her why she did not tell him the same she merely said i expect it from him, its just the way he is, but i expect much more of you. is there any wonder im the way i am?

    in the past before my first, i was the kind of guy who would take charge of things with my mates, with out asking, and they would follow without a word. i used to be a skuba instructor, was entered into the regional heats of the uk disco dance comp. but had to pull out when my dance partner got anorexia. we split as friends as well and i never had the heart to go back to it, my first used to tear me off a strip, because she hated the way other women stared at me when i danced a discos. by the time she had done with me she had, had axminster tattooed on my forehead. and it stayed with me.

    i can be just about the most talkative man you will ever meet. a very old friend once asked me what had happen to the effervesent fun loving guy he used to know, has we hadn't seen each other in a long time. i didn't have the heart or the inclination to tell him.

    strangely my ex of recent months told me i was a terrible not in a bad way flirt. and she once told me to tell her what i was going to do to her that night, by text, I texted her it feels warm and moist and would be scratchy round the edges, if i did not prepare it properly, she texted back no tell me !!!!!. so i wrote this

    A kiss let me do all the work, first you will feel my warm moist lips gentle caress your neck then my tongue will travel around the edge of you right ear, then my lips will float over your lips like a rose petal on a spring breeze. which will then cascade down your neck from your lips if you put your head right back. waft along your collar bone. then you will feel my lips gently pressed to yours now firmly then softly, now with burning passion, kiss me back im yours for ever. the actual version was twice the length.

    ten minutes later i got a phone call she said you made me wet, i said well tell me then she said i just did, i said no tell me where, it took ten minutes for me to gently get her to say, you made my pussy wet. then i got oh my god i just soaked the bed sheets. and a breathless i have never felt anything lick that before, never said anything like that before. where did you learn to do that?

    so perhaps i am doing something right, why did she have to turn so selfish with a man who introduced her to anal and she said wow no one ever took the time to find out if i would like that. i fingered her to a climax on her period no one had ever done that for her. she said she had always had men who thought no way to that. and she said she was always most horny when she was on. i even went down on her clit at the same time. which totally blew her away. I showed her her G spot and she said she thought she would have a heart attack if i did it again straight away. she never new it was there. and loads of other stuff along the same line.

    confused again!!!!

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    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    AdnaW not sure what it is i need so i suppose i just need to talk through my feelings till i find out. i feel that it is me at fault, and am not sure why. its not confidence to be with others, i think i have become convinced that other people have made me feel dirty and worthless, i never blamed all woman kind for being heartless bitches, i do hate to see other men abuse women and feel powerless to help. i would wade in with gusto if i saw an assault taking place, it is the women i have seen suffering in relationships and staying that break my heat. so i suppose it is confidence in who and what i am, as in the things in other post i have mentioned. i feel it would be unfair to have a women stuck with what is left of me, but as long as im honest and open about who and what i am, no lies. then the guy on heartless bitches is right to think this would be the worst possible insult to any woman that did choose me, knowing who and what i am and still wanting to be with me.

    so i suppose i am seeking conformation that my past my sexuality my other personal traites , that i have been led to believe are a major turn off for women like hating body hair. and removing the lot. and the possibility that sex for me would require a woman who would be prepared to be with me knowing that i would never want to penetrate her with my penis, that i would need her to fuck my arse to get me off. that she would be happy to only have my lips fingers and tongue, to please her. and toys of course. i didn't believe that such a woman existed but i have had such limited access to such info, till now.

    i will have to go back to heartless bitches and write down which of the things said about nice guys struck a choird with my own behavior and get back here with them.

    1267579258
    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    PS AdnaW i would never do something now that i did not want to now, did enough of that to last a hundred lifetimes in my past. thats why i ended my recent relationship not because i was doing something i didn't want to do sexually as other than using my penis which by the way i wish i could, i haven't thought of anything that could be done between two consenting adults not wanting to cause harm to each other that i don't absolutely love to do. what i found myself faced with, after she thought i was in the bag was two hours a week giving her sex, and getting not even a back rub in return. and no other alone time with her at all, no meals together, no drinks out, that she flatly refused to do with me, that was a girls only activity. no trips to the pictures, she went with the girls though. so i called time she was not best pleased. no man had ever dumped her in entire life.

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    Tigerlilies [sign in to see picture]
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    Thanks Tigerlilies, for your last post, on the squirting thread, it put things back into perspective a bit. suppose i needed to see what was on heartless-bitches .com , but if it is meant to help us nice guys, reform it could go about it with a little less venom, if it is meant to drive us face down in our own shit to down then it's done to perfection. and for someone like me, who is still trying not to literally cut my own throat. it could quite literally be a death blow.

    Cool, I'm glad you see that the Nice Guy backlash is not against guy's being decent stand up citizens but about the self esteem thing. Don't think the article was suited to you in retrospect and more suited to friends of mine who need a fire under them to get them to go out and talk to a girl and has an idealised image of a girl they want to meet.

    because i still can't quite let go of the feeling that being abused as a child, is my own fault, and that it makes me an evil person. to say nothing of my adult experience. read my other posts anyone who wants to know, i really don't feel like reiterating those facts here.

    It's really, really hard I know. And I'm sure, well I hope, you've got a symphony of people telling you it had nothing to do with you. If not you'll find them here. Remember that resistance and difficulty to accept this is part of the process. Your psychologist will help you work through it. You are not evil. Your scars, visible and invisible, make you beautiful. This recovery you are going through has stages, like grief, you have to go through each one and you can't rush it. If you didn't feel this way you would be very unusual.

    For a lot of people in your situation they find that once they are healed they are magnanimous towards the person who did this to them. It was their misfortune what they did. I hope you realise eventually that the person who did this to you isn't half the person you are. You are richer than them in so many ways because unlike them, you are not lacking a deep part of yourself that allowed them to do this to you.

    despite that fact i don't want to harm anyone. and have driven myself head long into being a nice guy for that very reason. the 3 laws of robotics according to Isac Asimov: have been the abiding principles by which i have lived my life, and would well do to be hard wired into mankind's brains. too many people only apply the primary rule of the second law, and disreguard the secondary but critical over riding rule of this law. if you don't know what i am on about look up Asimov, or watch I robot. we are more than robots, and should not need this to be done to us. But free will is the sword of Damocles, and we are stuck with it for better or worse. someone once said i can't remember who, crap at history, that "the only thing a human being truly has control over is wether they chooses to be good or evil."

    Oh boy could I write a dissertation here. In fact this reminds me of an essay topic way back when in my English studies.

    Send this good and evil thing to the garbage disposal, hun. That's for Russian novels and Peter Jackson movies, not your life. Trust your gut and your heart and deep down you'll hear your body telling your mind what's right. Trying to be a good person is great but remember it's the striving that's sometimes most important, that we work at it, that we don't give up. Leave perfection to the saints.

    Keep in mind that we can't control our emotions but we can control the choices we make and the paths we take. Mistakes are very important too.

    Tigerlilies, the erection problem, is psychological, I quite literally ( seem to be using that word a lot) feel that what i am about to do is abuse, even though the person is more than willing. it seems that my experiences have hard wired that feeling into my sexuality. my therapist uncovered this last session. severe pain accompanied by an understanding of what is being done to you. it is similar to techniques used in psychic manipulation by unscrupuless organisations. don't know how to undo the damage, maybe my therapist will think of something. but anyone feel free to offer thoughts

    So common and so normal for anyone in your situation. Frankly if you didn't have these anxieties I would be very surprised. So applaud yourself that you're consistently reacting like any caring soul would in this scenario. I'm really glad to hear that you're talking this through with your psychotherapist.

    I think what would really help is asking them to help you in finding a way to claim ownership of your sexuality. Really make this separate from things in the past.

    This is a big journey to the new you. Like all transitions, they have an adolescent period. Growing pains and trying times are in the post but it will pass. I think your sex life might go through a period of feeling like a virgin again. Taking things slow to build up to something that feels very new to you. A new attitude towards sex.

    but until I have an OH to work on it with, it will just be theory. my god you have got me to not give up.

    There's things that an OH will help with and things you need to do alone. So right now you can really focus on the latter. The work you do now as a singleton will benefit the work you do in a relationship. it's a symbiotic thing so don't think the single stuff is pure theory. Believe me, I know you're lonely but if you were undergoing this whilst in a relationship there would be a host of other problems to deal with. Each option, single and attached has it's complications. And when you do get there, remember ARSE aka: A Relationship Doesn't Solve Everything. I say this but I know you know once you find someone it still might be difficult and painful.

    many of the points made on heartless-bitches.com hit home with devestating accuracy. Though I take comfort from the fact that I am not the type using nice guy as a cheap ploy.

    That's brilliant! You're exactly the kind of guy the Heartless Bitches clan want to see getting help. You're a little lost, not a douche bag. But again don't over analyse. Just take comfort that you're very aware of your emotions and seem to have a handle on getting perspective on them too.

    To the guy on there who wrote how can anyone seriously believe that they don't realise what they are doing, thats if I read it right. well friend, it's up to you if you don't believe it is possible, because i didn't know or I wouldn't have kept doing it, who would at the cost of being alone. second i never thought anything other than what my problem was, was entirely my own behavior.

    Again high five, take what is relevant from these articles and leave the rest for others that it might help.

    it took me to age 22 to figure out that i liked the opposite sex, that way, just couldn't figure out why it felt so wrong to have sex with a woman. dont know why i just wrote that cos he probably won't ever read this.

    22? Crumbs, some people take double that time. Again what you're experiencing is a very normal and expected reaction. Who cares if that writer doesn't read this, it felt good to say it huh? Again I repeat the idea that it might be helpful to ask your psychotherapist for ways of 'claiming' your sexuality so that you really, really know in your heart it's a pleasurable thing on your terms, not someone else's.

    1267580734
    Tigerlilies [sign in to see picture]
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    There's a lot in another post of yours but for now and for quickness:

    In the past before my first, i was the kind of guy who would take charge of things with my mates, with out asking, and they would follow without a word. i used to be a skuba instructor, was entered into the regional heats of the uk disco dance comp. but had to pull out when my dance partner got anorexia. we split as friends as well and i never had the heart to go back to it, my first used to tear me off a strip, because she hated the way other women stared at me when i danced a discos. by the time she had done with me she had, had axminster tattooed on my forehead. and it stayed with me.

    You can have this life back. Not doing anything and not being pro active is easier but it's the harder path you've got to take. It's not going to come back over night but little by little you can take baby steps to getting back out there. Start saying yes, start doing something that scares you every day. Your ex was jealous of you by the sound of it. Her loss, she wasn't confident enough in herself to not be petty and to be happy for your talent. You are not tattooed with anything, this kind of hurt will inform the kind of person you are but you are the one in control of how it shapes you.

    Do things you enjoy and like because you need to give yourself a break.

    i can be just about the most talkative man you will ever meet. a very old friend once asked me what had happen to the effervesent fun loving guy he used to know, has we hadn't seen each other in a long time. i didn't have the heart or the inclination to tell him.

    Maybe you should talk to him about it?

    1267581278
    Tigerlilies [sign in to see picture]
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    By the way a lot of people on this forum find this thread to be quite nice

    http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/community/forums/orgasm-army/sex-talk/162279-good-morning-afternoon-evening-part-5/page-107/

    It's a great space to just drop in, touch base with people and talk about your day.

    Also, have you considered keeping a diary?

    My last written suggestion would be writing a letter. Write a letter to every person who's hurt you, what they did and how it made you feel and how you feel about it now.

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    Alicia D'amore [sign in to see picture]
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    alone4ever wrote:

    AdnaW not sure what it is i need so i suppose i just need to talk through my feelings till i find out. i feel that it is me at fault, and am not sure why. its not confidence to be with others, i think i have become convinced that other people have made me feel dirty and worthless, i never blamed all woman kind for being heartless bitches, i do hate to see other men abuse women and feel powerless to help. i would wade in with gusto if i saw an assault taking place, it is the women i have seen suffering in relationships and staying that break my heat. so i suppose it is confidence in who and what i am, as in the things in other post i have mentioned. i feel it would be unfair to have a women stuck with what is left of me, but as long as im honest and open about who and what i am, no lies. then the guy on heartless bitches is right to think this would be the worst possible insult to any woman that did choose me, knowing who and what i am and still wanting to be with me.

    so i suppose i am seeking conformation that my past my sexuality my other personal traites , that i have been led to believe are a major turn off for women like hating body hair. and removing the lot. and the possibility that sex for me would require a woman who would be prepared to be with me knowing that i would never want to penetrate her with my penis, that i would need her to fuck my arse to get me off. that she would be happy to only have my lips fingers and tongue, to please her. and toys of course. i didn't believe that such a woman existed but i have had such limited access to such info, till now.

    i will have to go back to heartless bitches and write down which of the things said about nice guys struck a choird with my own behavior and get back here with them.

    The fact that you would no longer do something you wouldn't want to do is a step in a positive direction - well done (I hope that doesn't sound patronising - I mean it sincerely).

    The things you list as "necessary" for a relationship with you aren't all that big. Anyone who loved who you were would probably find those things small sacrifices and whilst you say "never" to a lot of things you'd be suprised how tough humans are....one day, with a lot of love and time, you may be able to penetrate a women again, and if not, perhaps you could get into the thought of penetrating a women using a strap on? Maybe a doctor could prescribe you viargra if you (with a lot of work) could feel more comfortable with the idea emotionally but still struggled physically.

    The hair thing sounds like OCD to me and it can be overcome (I am OCD, I still have the tendancies but don't overdo it now) and worked on. Again with time and support.

    Whilst I am not religious and don't believe in destiny I do believe there is someone out there suited to everyone. There will be a women out there with the love and patience necessary to form a lasting relationship with you and you musn't give up hope. Giving up "trying" can be a good idea as it removes pressure but still be hopeful and positive. You deserve to be loved.

    Are you interested in science? I find a scientific outlook helps with feelings of blame in a twisted kind of way. You must learn not to blame yourself for certain "failures" and learn to distinguish what is a failure and what isn't (some things feel like failures when in actuality they are lessons that we learn from). You are not dirty and worthless. You are a human being therefore you are beautiful. The diversity of humanity is one of the most wonderful things thus every aspect of yourself will be perceived as wonderful by somebody.

    Just a few things to think about it - correct me if I'm wrong about anything

    Ax

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    Tigerlilies [sign in to see picture]
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    AdnaW wrote:

    Are you interested in science? I find a scientific outlook helps with feelings of blame in a twisted kind of way.

    I think that could be spot on for many people, AdnaW, nice observation.

    For anyone who wants a quick bit of beautiful science in their life, this video is wonderful: Symphony of Science - 'We Are All Connected'

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XGK84Poeynk

    1267585691
    Alicia D'amore [sign in to see picture]
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    Tigerlilies wrote:

    AdnaW wrote:

    Are you interested in science? I find a scientific outlook helps with feelings of blame in a twisted kind of way.

    I think that could be spot on for many people, AdnaW, nice observation.

    For anyone who wants a quick bit of beautiful science in their life, this video is wonderful: Symphony of Science - 'We Are All Connected'

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XGK84Poeynk

    I enjoyed that videa. I have a lovely science video that amazes me but most people find dull - it's an animation of the inside of a cell, not really relevant here but it's science and it's beautiful. I show it to everyone I know who likes science (even if it's just a little bit hehe).

    I find since discovering science in more detail, I'm more confident in myself.

    Ax

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    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    AdnaW the body hair thing is not OCD if it was I would get out of my tree about not epilating. as it is if i haven't the time or don't do it for a couple of weeks. as it takes so long to do my entire body, if its late when i feel like doing the job, and the heating has gone off, espes this weather. i just think bugger it it will wait i im not freezing my but off. it will just hurt a bit more when i do get round to it. same if i break a nail, i don't get obssesive i just say fuck it not again, just when that one was at it's best. as well. never mind try again see how long it lasts this time.

    i think it comes from the days when touching my own skin with hairs reminded me of the hands and body parts that were touching me against my will. removing the hair changed the feel of my skin so touching myself or others didnt trigger the memories, it was a coping strategy, that worked, but then i just started to feel cleaner under the arms etc, the smooth sensitve sensual feeling of my own body touching it's self turned me on as well . so i stay with it. get strange looks from checkout girls in the summer when i only have on a silk short sleaved shirt on my upper body opened down the front, and i have gone out with a waxing rash, without thinking about it. now i think about it i used to catch my recent ex rubbing her legs on mine, in bed and she never said anything about my lake of body hair. me thinks perhaps she love the feel but didn't want to embarass me and have me stop doing it. never thought of it like that before. what do you reckon.

    why does having my shirt undone a bit in public make me feel more confident rather than self concious ? strange things are coming to me now.

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    Ilovemyman [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi A4e, i don't think there is anything i can add to this thread, i just wanted to say hi, stay a nice guy and you will meet someone who you will be happy with.

    1267619551
    KinkyWolf [sign in to see picture]
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    If your a 'nice' guy rather than going to heartlessbitches etc for advice on how to be a man - go and read 'No More Mr Nice Guy' - Robert Glover. Its a very good book with a utterly rubbish name.

    You don't need to be ashamed of who you are or what you are. Getting exercise, get some external interests going. Make yourself more interesting - both to you and others.

    1267624555
    KittyPurry [sign in to see picture]
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    Hiya a4e

    There's so much complex psychology going on here that I think it's best for me to leave any kind of analysis to the professionals. Sounds like you've got some good metal health support in place which I'm very glad to hear because they'll be able to give you the help you need.

    I will say this though: not every woman is the same and we don't all want the same things from a partner. My partner of nearly eight years is a nice guy, a very nice guy actually and I wouldn't change him for the world. I've never met anyone so kind, generous, selfless and thoughtful yet he has absolutely no idea how wonderful he is. I have often found that the nicest people are usually those that don't realise it.

    If I were you I wouldn't try and change who you are because you think it's what women want you to be. The best advice I can offer is to just try and do things that make you happy and that interest you. The people you meet doing those things (whether it's joining an aerobics class or learning to paint or skydiving...) will see the real you doing what you love and can make their own decision as to whether they're interested romantically.

    Best wishes,

    xxKPxx

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    diamonds [sign in to see picture]
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    i just want to say, i saw on another thread that what you wanted from a GF at a time was just to have someone to talk to, to go to the cinema or to go to dinner with ect ect

    and i know this may sound old fastioned(sp) but have you thought about looking for a companion(sp)? that way you get to have all of that, but with out the relationship stuff (which if ive read right, your not ready for yet)?

    the thing that gave me this idea was actually my mum, she helps out at a coffee shop, and one of the ladies that normaly goes hadnt been in for ages, well it turned out she had gone to family at xmas time and had a fab time but after the holidays she came back and she just went down hill really fast, and it was cos she was missing her family ect ect so her family found her a companion(sp) and every day they see each other and do things like go to the libary then go for a coffee and have dinner and things togther and since then this lady has got so much better and is happy.

    maybe you need someone like that?

    Dxx

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    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    no D i am ready for another relationship 2 in a life time is not enough, i just feel like quitting some times. if you read my other posts you will see that my second ended recently and was only short. wrote a lot in my other posts so its up to you if you dig through my profile or not. what i meant was that companionship would be my prefered first port of call in a relationship, not sex city. my second wanted sex on our first date, though i had known her casually for a long time. not that i didn't enjoy giving her a 4 hour session after 25 years in the dessert. and did want to do it for her even if i could not get an orgasm from penetrating her or even do that at all.

    i gave her one by other means. she did give me a triple prostate orgasm might have been 4 if i hadn't fainted a bit and fell off the edge of the bed bummer!!! bless her stockings, but it din't take her long to change and become insensitive and selfish in the exstreame would you let you OH spend 2 hours giving you your first ever g spot finger job a serious tonguing and a clit orgasm. then have him say really love i just want a back rub. and say to him no i would have to kneel down, maybe next week, which she didn't. i would have prefured a longish (several months ) close friendship to let love develope if it would, and take it from there.

    another woman had told me not long before that i should expect this from women these days you are a bit behind the times she said. when i had to end it because i felt like i had just started a new job as an unpaid man escort. i began to think if this is modern woman, fuck em, or rather don't . i came here to see if this was truly the case. at least i have figured out while i have been here the that is one of the things i wanted to know. really i just blamed myself. because my past had driven me to that mind set. the fog is finally clearing, and from the women on here i think i have been seriously misled be other women in the recent past. thats what you get if you are unlucky and only take a survey from a few people.

    you have all been great would love more female feed back on some of the other topics i have touched on while i have been on here, but i realise that takes time and it is a short commodity these days. so i will be happy with what you give me. I already asked TL if she wants to ask me any questions from a male view point and get a seriously honest warts and all answer, but same offer to you all. i know OH's can sometimes find it difficult to answer questions particularly men. so an independant source my help and theres plenty on here to ask but i do have more time being on my own and just love to talk. so over to you.

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