1. Feeling down, need a kickstart

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    ajmellu7 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant
    • Posts: 48
    • Joined: 22 Jul 2015

    Morning guys, to cut a long story short, things are not going well at the moment. A couple of months ago my sister got diagnosed with a terminal illness. Put on top of that my parents being in their late 70's, working a very stressful l job and having 2 kids aged 4 and 7, life is very busy and also upsetting at the moment! The one thing that I really look forward to at the moment is the weekends and especially the evenings when it can be a relaxing time. However, nothing is really happening sex wise at the moment. My wife and I have talked about it, infact, we have talked about it lots, but nothing seems to change. Every now and then, we will have a great night, a bottle of wine, massages, plenty of foreplay and then sex. Unfortunately, that only happens every few weeks and then we have nothing until the next time.

    I know people go through highs and lows and other than this our marriage is perfect, I am just missing out on the closeness of sex and I think with everything else going on which is affecting me a lot, I think it is making this so much bigger as well.

    Was just wondering if anybody had any thoughts of anything they could suggest that may help us get out of this rut? Thanks in advance..........

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    Mr Pheebs [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 3994
    • Joined: 12 Jun 2016

    Hi mate,

    Sounds to me like the problem here is you’re both so stressed. When you’re chronically stressed sex goes out of the window, sad but true.

    My advice to you is try to set some time out of schedule if you can. Figure out all the stressors and see if any can wait until later, stick them on the back burner if you can...even set a date to allow yourself to look at them then with your wife...Resolve the biggies or relinquish control of them if you can, think outside the box, how can you do this? What can you change...your job? And are they being blown out of proportion anyway. Do you have good work life balance?

    I bet if you took 10:days holiday you’d be bonking like rabbits on the 3rd day 🐰

    whatever you do, try not link the lack of sex to more personal things to do with you e.g. i’m not attractive anymore, or OMG i’m going into great grandparent mode, and if you are having these thoughts, challenge them, you will see no logic in the assumptions you’re making.

    Also think about other stuff you can do to charge sexual encounters, can you sexy messages through the day/s to get the juices going? Can you hug and kiss before you go out the door? Can you have a quick tease okay then get dressed and go to work? Or even are you waiting till the end of the day when you’re both totally knackered?

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    VirginAngel [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: General
    • Posts: 898
    • Joined: 1 Mar 2014

    If you've talked about it so much, honestly im not so sure there's anything more you can do. Your wife knows how you feel, but if she's not feeling up for sex more often than you're having, guilt isn't going to help.

    Do you try to initiate more often and she turns the offer down? All this must be having such an impact on her too, and if you're not in the mood, you can't force it. Low mood and sexual arousal don't go together, not for me at least.

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    AJ82 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Major
    • Posts: 78
    • Joined: 21 Apr 2015

    Patience.

    You have to much going on in your life and to much of it negative, sex might seem like a release but trying to force it with the wrong mindset might actually cause more problems. You need support, emotional as well as physical. Sex always seems like a great idea, but once the lights go back on, the problems will still be waiting there unless you address and work through them first.

    Kind of like a fat person binge eating, feels good at the time, but nothings changed at the root of the problem. Everything tends to come right eventually, don't force it.

    It's the oldest cliche that things tend to work out, but they really do.

    1524489062
    LittleMugs [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 2059
    • Joined: 23 Nov 2017

    Could you find other ways to de-stress? Hire a babysitter and go for a couples massage/date night, or maybe take a long weekend from work just to relax. Or you could go for family days out to the beach or the park and tire the kids out. You could also talk to your parents and see how they're managing, see if there's anything you can do or that they need from you, hopefully put your mind at ease.

    Alternatively find ways to add some intimacy that doesn't include sex, like cook for your OH, kiss her every morning when you wake up and again before you leave, hold her hand when you're out together. Cuddle up and watch a movie or run her a hot bubble bath, or take the kids off her hands for the afternoon, give her some time to herself or with her friends to let off steam.

    Patience is probably the most important thing, none of this could work and it's okay - I think every couple goes through this at some point, and probably more than once. It sounds like a lot has been going on, things will calm down and get back to normal. It's good that you've been talking about it, keep communication open, but maybe focus on problems a little less if it's not helping, and change your talking to the things you love/value about each other - make it known there's still a spark and you still find her very attractive and she's appreciated for everything she does. Make her feel good without expectation, it'll boost her spirits and that might help.

    Another thing is you could try switching things up, watch porn together, me and my OH used to use Tinder to flirt with other people and share the experience together, we'd laugh at people who were a bit creepy and show each other the hottest/nicest people we were talking to. That pulled us out of a bit of a dry patch.

    Oh, you could also have her make her own wishlist on here and surprise her with a couple things from it :)

    Sorry for the wall of text, I hope it was even just a little helpful. Good luck :)

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