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  1. Wife has no fantasies

    mysteron [sign in to see picture]
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    I just dont see that view of Mr G G exchanging jobs for sex or pressurising sex.

    I think what Mr G G is trying to demonstrate that he is a good husband and is putting 110% into the relatonship but he feels a little short changed as a result. I of course stand to be corrected on this point but that is how it comes accross to me.

    What puzzles me is why this situation has suddenly come about. I would be interesting to know what the trigger was . Because assuming the relationship has been a long one thne one tends to finds these "imperfections "out at a much earlier stage. I use the word imperfection here very cautiously as I couldnt think of a more suitable word to use and dont mean any offence here.

    I appreciate tastes in sex like anything else can alter over time .

    But going back to my post one very rarely has a partner that is 100% perfect. Yes you can talk about the subject andd as we all know good communication cements a relationship . However talking about it doesnt always mean things will alter .

    I will use my Mrs as an example here.

    One of my Fantasies has always bee a leather clad dominatrix in stocking and high heels wielding a riding crop .

    She has the right Physique Tick

    She is tall (6ft) Tick

    She looks great in High heels Tick

    We have a suitable outfit and riding crop tick

    Dominant woman Cross

    We have talked about this but it just isnt in her DNA to be controlling . She is a very mild mannered sensual woman . Does this affect our relationship then one might ask? Not a jot . I concentrate on her strengths so she gives very sensual massages which are like heaven and intimacy is spot on between us .It does mean that I take control in the bedroom even though I wish this can be the other way around occasionally.

    This is the message I really want to get accross is that we have to make best of what our partners can offer us and compromise. Thats what life is all about and we have to wotk together to over come the best we can any challenges put our way.

    More Sexy at 50 [sign in to see picture]
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    It seems from what you have said that you are not willing to give up on your relationship which is a positive and I do admire that.

    I would heed Rebecca's comments about favours and chores being rewarded with sex, that really is not the way to go. Okay so she doesn't reciprocate on intimacy, kissing, hugs etc.. ? She doesn't like to talk about your love life ? That sounds like you are in a worse position than me, my OH at least understands that we have different needs (and sex drive) and she is willing to move to some middle ground eventually. Does your OH enjoy the sex you have together ? If so does it "feel" like genuine enjoyment, it's hard to fake ? This may give some indications to any underlying issue: people with low sex drive can still have amazing enjoyable sex/orgasms and enjoy it, but those with historic/current problems/issues will struggle.

    Rebecca has listed a good selection of other factors which may be affecting your OH. Have you talked about your upbrings together: childhood, how your parents and siblings behaved, previous partners, medical/health matters, any problems that have surfaced ? To be so dissinterested it's possible that some issue has affected your OH that is causing her to "block" her sexual side.

    I don't know you, but at a personal level and you were my close friend, I'd be concerned at how one-sided your overall relationship is. Have you considered that the more you do to please her she may feel more pressured/threatened and pull away further ? This may be related to some issue in her past like her parents organising all aspects of her life so she is ultra-submissive. Of course I'm speculating and don't know you both, but I can imagine that she may feel like you are one of her parents taking care of her and that is unlikely to lead to any sexual thoughts.You may look to attain more balance in your overall relationship first.

    You should consider looking at your overall relationship and determine if you have some historical/current problems causing issues. Of course counselling and therapy are the best ways to tackle this with a professional, RELATE really are very good. If your OH is not willing to discuss this then you are stuck. Rebecca really has laid it out clearly, is this a deal-breaker? Ultimately you have to look after yourself and your own happiness and only you can decide what to do for you.

    My heart really does go out to you.

    Good luck.


    Lovehoney - Leanne [sign in to see picture]
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    I have to agree with Rebecca and the favours and chores. It may not be what is happening or how you feel about it but if someone here has picked up on that then maybe your wife is feeling something of the same. 

    Again, I am not saying that is why you are doing all the helpful chores and everything along those lines but maybe there is a connection she is making and it has had am an impact. So that may be a discussion to have too. Let her know you do all those things because you like to and want to and in no way do you expect6 anything back.

    I have to echo the counselling advice and Relate too. It really feels like you would get something from these avenues. 

    MrGoodGuy [sign in to see picture]
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    Just to clear up the chores thing

    It's not just up to her to do chores, I live here too lol
    And thus I do my part, as I should

    I try and do more sometimes as a good will gesture, or maybe the timing is right, say she's been out at work, and I'll know she'll get stuck in if it's not tidy as she's house proud.

    In a way I'd say I also do it as it's a weight off her mind to come in and find the house sparling, and I like to see her happy

    I'm certainly not expecting sex in return for anything I do, sex should come from her wanting to be close to me and wanting intimacy.
    It would feel fake for any other reason.

    Our sex lives have been fairly one sided for a fair few years, and has caused a few arguments over time.
    I've tolerated it out of love and I don't consider marriage as disposable.
    I was taught that you work through your problems and life isn't always balanced.

    I'm really laid back and hate arguing, and violence or upset, - when talking stops, wars begin!

    So I probably tolerate this situation out of love and for a quiet life

    When we do have sex it's great and to clarify what I said before...

    Arousal needs to come before desire with her
    She's not interested, I ask her to make love, she does, and after some stimulating she gets into it, and then the desire arrives and she gets into it

    But no desire usually means there's no contact or interest in me, in between sex.

    Hence going back to the beginning, this is why I want her to talk more and be interested in resolving issues rather than ignoring them, it's not just about fantasy fulfillment, it's about open talk about our intamacy, about what I'd like about what she likes, just general talk between 2 adults telling each other what they want

    VR [sign in to see picture]
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    I don't have fantasies - apart from winning the lottery!

    When I'm having sex or masturbating I can't think of anything but the physical feelings happening, plus I need to concentrate on those feelings to actually orgasm.

    I think I'm a bit weird, though ;-)

    misshs [sign in to see picture]
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    Don’t know whether this would work or not but how about some sex toys. For her and a sex doll for you or something along the lines. I know how frustrating it can be (I have a very high sex drive and my partner doesn’t.) I was getting very frustrated because I wanted sex and he didn’t and he would talk about why he didn’t want sex he just didn’t. In the end I asked him if he would be okay with my having toys so that I can pleasure myself as much as I like. And it takes the pressure off of him. This actually really helped because it got his interest up to. He now enjoys watching me play and very often it gets him in the mood and we end up having sex anyways. Just a suggestion ☺️

    MrGoodGuy [sign in to see picture]
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    Tbh I think toys aren't the solution, as she's not keen on them.
    We have attempted gspot stimulation without success, with a variety of toys, often expensive and quite rubbish.
    They all claim to be the toy that will beat other toys, but they tend to be words on the side of a box.

    Other toys in our collection are also gathering dust.

    If it's coming down to me humping an inflatable lump of plastic, then it's seriously time for me to move on.

    Thing is, when she's in the zone she's amazing.
    But getting her in that zone is the tricky bit

    VR [sign in to see picture]
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    How old is she? Has she seen her GP about low sex drive?

    I know my hormones rule my sex drive. It started to dip so I went on HRT and it came back again. I'm not on it purely for my sex drive, but that's a nice side effect.

    The Pill hit my sex drive, too, until I found the right one.

    I'd heard there's a testosterone patch/gel for women with low sex drive that the GP can prescribe, too.

    MrGoodGuy [sign in to see picture]
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    She is 53 and we're thinking early stages of menapause, as a few early signs such as hot flushes.

    And brilliant timing VR with regards to patches, as we have a doc appointment this morning with regards to this subject, and hrt. So another thing to ask about.

    Before the conclusion is reached that this is all down to the menapause, I'd like add this has been a repeating subject for a long time, long before any signs and symptoms of menapause

    We have visited unhelpful docs on a number of occasions with regards to her lack of labido, and after being told nothing can be done, the wife moves on, saying this is how it is, even though she isn't happy about it

    I've seen the slightly tipsy, relaxed side of her on a fair few occasions, and she's a different person.
    Letting go in her head is probably the biggest issue, but that roadblock stops her seeking a path to improving the situation too

    LadiesMan [sign in to see picture]
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    Mr GG - what about watching movies together? Fifty Shades?

    I have kind of the same situation with my OH... My sex drive is hiiiiiiigh, and hers is loooooooow (emphasis). But managed to get her watching them a few weeks ago, and managed to get her libido racing a bit :)

    MrGoodGuy [sign in to see picture]
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    We've done the 50 shades, books and films, the first book was excellent on holiday, the subsequent books not so good

    We've tried films, but it's what to watch?
    Many of them are lesbianism oriented, I'm guessing aimed at horny men rather than women

    The rest are lacking in story or good scenes

    MrGoodGuy [sign in to see picture]
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    I suppose I should be asking for recommendations for female friendly porn films, with story, reasonable acting and perhaps a bit of comedy

    Something not just a meat fest!

    Jay13 [sign in to see picture]
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    Very interesting read. I feel in similar situation and at point of feeling sexually castrated. I love my OH and dont want anyone else but I have needs as well.

    What is relate i saw it mentioned as a group and a book?

    MrGoodGuy [sign in to see picture]
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    Relate is basically marriage guidance

    But your OH has got to want to talk to strangers and air dirty laundry, which mine won't

    My understanding of this, makes me think that the first step is saying there's something wrong with the relationship,, which is a good first step, but not one every one wants to admit or accept.

    Then there's the fact that the status quo has to be upset in order for things to change, a lazy lover won't want this, as they are happy in their role. Change requires effort on their behalf, and they will probably block to prevent this

    I've heard a thousand times how that person will TRY harder, a month or two later, leopards and spots, and things are exactly the same as before

    But they say how much they love you?

    I'd do anything to make my partner happy, but the simplistic things I ask in return are a mile away for her

    VR [sign in to see picture]
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    My ex used to do chores etc.. All well and good until he'd get moody and snappy with me - before bed a lot of the time. That was an instant turn-off. Then there was the constant comparing me with other women, always telling me I should lose weight/change my hair or make-up or dress differently. It killed my self-confidence along with my sex drive.

    I get the impression you're not like that so I'd still put your wife's low libido down to hormones. I've gone through stages in my life where I've been hornier than a teenage boy, but also had stages where I was more like a 90-year old nun.

    My hormones have always caused me problems from severe PMS to debilitating periods - some Pills have helped completely, some have made PMS worse but periods better and some the other way around.

    Along with the Pill, anti-depressants have helped me feel less like killing someone (or myself) with my PMS, which also helped me feel more loving towards my partner but killed my ability to orgasm, which stopped me wanting sex no matter how loving I felt.

    I think you need to try to map out what has dampened her sex drive over the years. Give the HRT a try and maybe ask the GP about testosterone therapy. Be aware that HRT could cause PMT symptoms - as unpleasant for us women as it is for our male partners who get the sharp end of the stick.

    I don't want to offend, but you describe your wants as simplistic. They are anything but for a woman who lacks her sex drive. When I was on anti-depressants I felt good enough in my head to WANT sex, but actually trying to have sex felt like an enormous mountain to climb.

    This is why I think testosterone might help in that if it kicks in her sex drive, you can start trying to work on all aspects of your relationship while she's feeling like she wants sex. If you can iron everything out while you're enjoying a physical relationship, maybe it'll make her want to work on it when she comes off it again (I might be wrong, but I don't think you can have it permanently). This might mean seeing a HRT specialist (I can think of Louise Newson and Marion Glenville off the top of my head - they specialise in problems that can be fixed with hormone treatment), if you can afford to go private.

    I do feel for you - as I've felt for my partner when I've put him through a similar situation, albeit briefly until I've found what works for me. But please don't consider what you want is easy for your wife to give you. I've been there and it isn't. Especially now as her hormones are all over the place with menopause (having said that, if she starts feeling the benefit of HRT, she may feel more like wanting to help herself sort out your love-life).

    Last thing - could you show her this thread? It might make her realise EXACTLY how important this matter is to you and how much it's obviously hurting you.

    MrGoodGuy [sign in to see picture]
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    VR thanks for the advice
    I wouldn't feel comfortable showing her this thread, as it's not come across very well from my perspective.

    When I say simplistic needs it's not what you think.

    I'm talking about cuddles, a hug as we are passing, an open mouth kiss rather than a mum and dad peck lol
    Her to touch me in bed, skin on skin, not for sex though.
    A sexy text, or gesture.

    I love all women, I think you are amazing, u have so much shit in your lives, then nature throws periods, hysterectomies, menapause, child birth etc at you.
    Compared to you, us guys get it easy.

    So I try to be everything a woman would want me to be....
    A friend, someone who goes womens clothes shopping, I cook, I clean, I do washing and ironing.
    Im her best friend, the shoulder to cry on, the person who tells her EVERY single mornings how beautiful she is.... And truthfully, she is!
    I see her beauty behind her scruffy hair or last nights makeup, I see Her, who she is, who she wants to be, and support her when life is crap.

    I don't want 1 min of her day to be painful, and when she does get shitty cos of something...
    I want her to know she can take it out on me without fear of being hit or shouted back at etc... Because most of the time I get why she is being like that

    Think I've built our relationship this way, and she has got used to it, and thinks that because I like giving, I'm happy with her taking.

    And yes sometimes that works.... I could eat her peach in the bedroom until the next day lol
    But it's draining being all 1 way, be nice to get something back now and again

    joe4560 [sign in to see picture]
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    OP.... I have EXACTLY the same problem. I feel your pain! :(

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