1. Am I being too downbeat?

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    stressedmale82 [sign in to see picture]
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    Hiya

    I suppose my question really is can things get better if at the moment they are rubbish. We are supposed to be trying for a baby but I sleep in the spare room as I am too loud for my wife keeping her awake with my heavy beathing. Also I am kind of board by sex as that is all it is. No oral with way and no touching or mastabation.

    She really is not interested in all that and on my day off yesterday I put all the play toys in a box under the bed and pushed them far out for sight. I can't be bothered! I can't see I am going to enjoy anything so yup just fed up really.

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    KingGrthy [sign in to see picture]
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    Do your feelings about sex reflect your feelings about the relationship I’m general? Have things declined in that regard or
    have they always been that way?

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    LadySpider [sign in to see picture]
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    Hey StressedMale

    As kingGrthy asks... do your feelings reflect your relationship...I'm assuming not as you say you're 'supposed' to be trying for a baby.
    Sleeping apart suits some couples, but (for me anyway) I feel sharing a bed is an intimate part of a relationship that brings you closer together.
    Not if the noise levels disturb the others sleep though! I'll say - I snore like a complete pig - so does MrSpider...but not as loud as me! lol it doesn't disturb either of us though - luckily. The thing I've learned over my 30+ years sleeping with others and my 3 long-term relationships is that you have to put up and learn to live with other people's sleeping noises lol. No use arguing over it though, if it really makes sleep impossible I suppose you have to resort to sleeping separately - could she wear ear plugs?
    Even if you don't have sex - (sharing a bed isn't just about sex), being and sleeping in the same bed does bring intimacy into the relationship, even if you lay reading together or watching tv. And that intimacy brings you closer together which in turn makes your relationship better and the sex incredible! That's just me though, I do understand others are different..
    You really need to talk to your wife, my love, before things get any worse. The act of you pushing the toy box right under the bed would say to me that you're not interested - maybe she thinks that way too?
    Tiredness affects our sex drive too - does she have a demanding job that is leaving her drained? if so, do little things like cooking her dinner, run her a lovely bubble bath with candles and her fav tunes playing, offer her a massage after. Make it clear that it doesn't have to lead to sex if she is tired, just tell her you want to do something nice for her because you love her. Those little acts of love may bring you closer, kind of get back the intimacy you seem to have lost along the way. It happens in most relationships at some point, and if the intimacy isn't got back the relationship mostly fails. being close, and being friends is so very important in a relationship, innit?
    If she's relaxed the sex will be better too - you need to slowly introduce the toys and oral etc, don't demand too much at once - if she is out of sync with you, you maybe need to regain her trust and confidence with you - I mean - does she feel loved? does she feel you value her and your relationship together?
    My Mister is crap at massage, he will give me a quick rub-down and that's him ready!! That's a disappointment I can tell you! I really would love a long slow massaged, maybe blindfolded with good music playing... I'd like him to play around with our extensive toy collection - not just rub my back for a couple of swipes, then straight down to my genitals for a couple of minutes - then he's ready to fuck. Us girls (many of us anyway) need more coaxing - as a relationship gets longer (and often stale) arousal often takes longer. I love sex and have a high sex drive, but just cause I'm enjoying the sensations of sex, that doesn't necessarily mean I'm aroused. yeah, I'm wet, but my brain isn't aroused! Does that make sense? If she isn't aroused she may not be up for a good long session, but just wants to get it over and done with - hence no oral or masturbation.
    I used to practice massage and aromatherapy so I'm pretty good at massage, I can massage him with the right oils and have knocked him out for18 hours once when he had a frozen shoulder!
    Here are a few things that may help with the massage - easy to use but effective. I highly recommend the vanilla massage bar, it makes for a virtually effortless massage! https://www.lovehoney.co.uk/product.cfm?p=38384 and this body massager feels divine too https://www.lovehoney.co.uk/product.cfm?p=33572 both are in the 3 for £15 offer tool
    I may be wrong with all I've said, but our relationship went pretty much how you describe yours, we went away for a long weekend, had fun away from our rather oppressive little village, and the fun and laughter relaxed us both and made us up for longer sexier sex, this did bring us closer together and the intimacy slowly came back. It took time and effort - and we're still working on it - but if your relationship is worth it - do something. I think we often forget to work on our relationships and let them go stale.
    Hope some of that makes sense... I feel I'm babbling - need some breakfast I think! xx

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    Mr Pheebs [sign in to see picture]
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    Big question is.....

    Do you actually want a baby & do you actually want the relationship?

    As these splendid forumites have already asked!

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    hampshirecouple [sign in to see picture]
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    It doesn't sound like you are too keen on the trying for a baby idea. From past experience having a baby can be as much a strain on a relationship as it can be something that adds to one. Sadly for me it ended in divorce. My advice is to talk to your wife/partner about how you feel

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    delilahxx [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi there

    I remember reading your previous threads which all revolve around the same problem. That you're not happy with your sex life, and despite talking to your wife about it it hasn't been resolved.

    If you are stressed and unhappy now a baby will only make things worse.

    A baby is never a sticking plaster for a relationship.

    I hope you can find happiness but it seems to me put up with the unhappiness now or leave. There doesn't seem to be any other option to me.

    Take care

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    mysteron [sign in to see picture]
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    delilahxx wrote:

    Hi there

    I remember reading your previous threads which all revolve around the same problem. That you're not happy with your sex life, and despite talking to your wife about it it hasn't been resolved.

    If you are stressed and unhappy now a baby will only make things worse.

    A baby is never a sticking plaster for a relationship.

    I hope you can find happiness but it seems to me put up with the unhappiness now or leave. There doesn't seem to be any other option to me.

    Take care

    I agree with the above.

    It sounds like to me that your relationship needs a kickstart. Unfortunately the baby isnt the answer. To have a baby you must both want one .

    I think you perhaps need to talk it though with your OH and put your feelings firmly on the table .Thats the only way things are going to get better .Remember realtionship first , baby second. Sort the first part out and then you'll be in a better frame of mind for the second

    Good luck .

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    Lovehoney - Leanne [sign in to see picture]
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    Hello, 

    I am sorry to hear you are feeling like this and looking at your past posts it would seem a baby has been on the cards for a while. 

    So I ask this: Have you spoken about this recently? Is it what you both want OR has it been a decision made a few years back and you have both just considered you are still on board with the idea. 

    I agree with the above comments on having the conversation because a baby will only make this stress and lack of intimacy worse if not addressed beforehand. 

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    LIL_KNOWN69 [sign in to see picture]
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    Hey SM, is this a recent thing or has your partner always been a little more vanilla in the bedroom? Maybe if your talking about having babies and things it has put a bit of a strain on the relationship and I think you open your eyes massively to what’s in front of you. Instead of the happy day to day relationship with no real boundaries you start to think about the future and if your truly happy. This is usually when a lot of people come to a cross roads, also a lot of times when couples start to think about having children you focus on this and sex becomes a tool to make babies, you don’t really think of the fun and passion anymore and it can cause a huge divide.

    Have you actually spoken to your partner and has circumstances changed recently? Is she more stressed at her job or fallen out with family/friends? Also have you asked what she’s into? Maybe look at fulfilling one of her fantasies and find the old flame which you had at the start of the relationship. I really don’t think having children will make a positive impact in anyway at the moment and it wouldn’t be fair on the baby to bring them into a relationship which has issues. Once things are cleared up between you then that would be the ideal time to discuss the future. One huge question you need to ask yourself “is sex the most important part of your relationship?”

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