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  1. Should I Put Up With Anal Because I Love Him?

    1267024087
    Gyrator53 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Major General
    • Posts: 858
    • Joined: 27 Sep 2007

    " i have only recently found out that my mum and dad think i should leave my partner.. but the same problems still apply.. i cant pay any money as i have none!

    i think i can put up with it at least till i get a job and can save up.. my parents want me to move back in with them.,. but id rather stay in my current city.. and rather try and make it on my own till i have to go back to my parents "


    Sorry to come back to this but do you not have a student loan? I know its not a fortune but should be enough for you to find a different place to live. While on the topic of the practicalities I should point out that most universities have some system to deal with situations where a student's personal circumstances are making study difficult or impossible. My old university had a system called "interruption of course" and, under the appropriate circumstances allowed for a student to re-start their current year of study again from the following September. Full Honours status was retained.


    Although I'm sure you would prefer not to interrupt your studies I think it's worth your finding out what systems exist in your university simply to aid you planning - another question for your tutor perhaps.

    1267041935
    sweetlove666 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 1827
    • Joined: 17 Nov 2008

    Gyrator53 wrote:

    " i have only recently found out that my mum and dad think i should leave my partner.. but the same problems still apply.. i cant pay any money as i have none!

    i think i can put up with it at least till i get a job and can save up.. my parents want me to move back in with them.,. but id rather stay in my current city.. and rather try and make it on my own till i have to go back to my parents "

    Sorry to come back to this but do you not have a student loan? I know its not a fortune but should be enough for you to find a different place to live. While on the topic of the practicalities I should point out that most universities have some system to deal with situations where a student's personal circumstances are making study difficult or impossible. My old university had a system called "interruption of course" and, under the appropriate circumstances allowed for a student to re-start their current year of study again from the following September. Full Honours status was retained

    Although I'm sure you would prefer not to interrupt your studies I think it's worth your finding out what systems exist in your university simply to aid you planning - another question for your tutor perhaps.

    as i said in an earlier post. students who are facing financial hardship can acess funds to support them, and you can claim housing benefit too. universities often save some houses or student flats just in case things like this happen too. you can also get a housing loan and a grant, and as a student you dont have to pay council tax either. it is well worth looking into.

    1267120161
    Gyrator53 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Major General
    • Posts: 858
    • Joined: 27 Sep 2007

    One thing I was trying to probe at gently but maybe I should just ask - do you have control of your own money or has he taken control?

    I ask because one of the ways my father operated and one of the main ways he kept my mother from leaving him was to make sure she didn't have any control over the money.

    1267322031
    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 1757
    • Joined: 27 Feb 2010

    hi baby doll

    you really should get the paul mckenna book I can mend your broken heart I mentioned in my post in your other thread, even if you only pick it up and read pages 86 & 87, it's not just for people who have left a relationship it is full of help for people who need to get out of a relationship, it will teach you how to find the strength to do what you know in your heart you must.

    you mentioned in a reply to a post on this thread that you don't agree with the person who called it as you put it the R word. I told you this in the other thread earlier tonight, It is RAPE !!!!!!! it took me over twenty years to be able so say the word, let alone admit to my self that is what she and her friends did to me. For anyone else reading this you heard right I am a man and I was raped by not only my female partner but also her female friends.

    PLEASE PLEASE FIND THE STRENGTH TO LEAVE HIM. the others are right take it in little steps solve the problems that are keeping you trapped in this hell one at a time, until you have all the pieces in place. then get out.

    you say he says he loves you, anyone else on this thread will tell you that, no one just tells you they love you they most importantly of all show that they love you by the way they treat you. Do you really believe that what is being done to you constitutes being loved, is that the way you show him your love. I and everyone else here is desperate to say the one thing that helps you.

    Your plight is tearing my heart out, because i see myself in you, and i would not wish to see you go through what I did, and have the life such as it is that i have now, 25 years on.

    counsilers (dam i cant spell) can have as little as 6 months of training behind them, and often can cause problems if you get the wrong one, don't give up on some form of help in your area, keep trying until you find someone that helps. i kept saying it's not for me, i felt that one one believed me, but i found a psychologist and she waits as long as it takes, for me to let out my feelings, when she tries to offer ways to help me get back my life i still find myself digging my heals in even now after 4 years, of speaking to her. so i fully understand your reluctance to take action, it's damed hard work, to change your life even when you know it's wrong. but you have to understand that in order for someone to help you you have to talk sooner or later, even if it hurts worse than anal sex when you don't want it. trust me talking does get easier once you trust the person you are talking. once the words start to come out, don't be afraid to cry, and maybe after you will feel like you wished to god you had kept your mouth shut, because you feel so much pain now you have spoken your feelings they have become raw. dont clam up keep at it, we will both get there in the end if we really want to.

    hold on sweetheart and take a leap of faith, you have a long life ahead I want to see you live it in relative happiness

    sorry on my soap box again but this is a situation very close to my heart.

    there's some very fine advice coming from all the people here wish i had been able to talk to you folks when i was in trouble. i still have major issues myself.

    1267378062
    tronic [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant Colonel
    • Posts: 313
    • Joined: 27 Feb 2010

    I really hope you can get through this, I'm sure everyone's thoughts are with you. Just be honest to yourself (which can be hard) and do what your gut tells you. You seem really nice from your posts on here and it's sad that you're in this pickle, you probably deserve a hell of a lot better!

    As for the counselling issue, try a few different counsellors, there are lots of different kinds and they have different kinds of experience and expertise, and after all they are just people and maybe you can get someone who is on the same wavelength as you and you feel comfortable. They should be able to help you work out stuff which is too hard to work out on your own and shouldn't pressure you to talk about things which are uncomfortable.

    I was never a believer of therapy until I started to have some and it is slowly helping me get over a bunch of stuff. It would have seemed impossible to deal with stuff before, but I just had nothing left to lose and decided to give it a try before doing something stupid.

    1267933774
    BigPoppa [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Colonel
    • Posts: 346
    • Joined: 24 Jan 2010

    Really sorry to say this but I think you are in the precomtemplative phase of this decision ( i.e. your not really ready to change ). There has been an awful lot of advice on both this forum and another post on a similar issue and the message from all of these is clear.

    I think the posts here will be a great source of strength to you when your ready to hear it.

    All the best with your life when your are.

    1267953163
    Thunderpuss [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant
    • Posts: 20
    • Joined: 21 Jan 2010

    I'm not going to say too much here, but i can sympathise with you. Part of my job is helping women who have been abused and are now away from their partners. It is one of the toughest things in life to do. For some it is really easy for others like yourself making that break is really hard.

    Your partner is controlling you into doing something you do not want to do, not only is it sexual abuse, but emotional abuse too. I lived with my ex husband for 15 years, and all i got is continual if you don't do do this, then this will happen, blackmail, sexual, emotional and physical abuse. I got out after i got in touch with a domestic abuse officer, (at the police station) who then helped me get out.

    There are several numbers you can call if you just needed some advice, Womens Aid is quite good.

    When i managed to escape with my children, i thought then that my life was over, there was no light at the end of the tunnel and it has taken quite a few years to get over. My self worth, confidence and esteem has increased dramatically, although i still have a few setbacks myself even now, but only minor blips.

    I hope you end up making the right decision. {{hugs}}, xxx

    1270940903
    baby.d0llo9 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Captain
    • Posts: 38
    • Joined: 6 Jan 2010

    not sure if anyone reads this anymore...

    alone4ever, i really want to thank you! it must be hard to write down what happened to you!

    i really hope things get better for you..

    I am leaving my oh.. he doesnt know it yet! as im scared of what he will do.. but its gonna happen,,

    im talking to people about it,, an if it gets too bad i now know of a hostle where i can stay

    1270947606
    Alicia D'amore [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 3406
    • Joined: 2 Feb 2008

    babydoll congratulations and *big hugs*

    You know where we are if you need anything more

    Ax

    1270983094
    Student20 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Colonel
    • Posts: 149
    • Joined: 7 May 2009

    If YOU don't want to do anal then don't feel pressured in to doing it, just say it's not your thing or you want to get in to it gradually and take things from there. If he leaves you because you won't do it then he's not very sensible.

    1270990521
    masterandslave [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 1596
    • Joined: 28 Jun 2008

    Congratulations babydoll for taking the courage to end it, its a big step that is hard but in the end worthwhile.

    Lots of love and hugs dont forget we are always here if you fancy a chinwag.

    x

    1270991323
    sexy little minx [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: General
    • Posts: 526
    • Joined: 8 Nov 2009

    Well done babydoll! Making the decision was the hard part. I wish you all the luck in the world.

    Like some of the others said, we are here if you want to chat. xxx

    1271021425
    baby.d0llo9 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Captain
    • Posts: 38
    • Joined: 6 Jan 2010

    Thanks to everyone for all the support you have given me

    i know it will be hard, but with this support and other support i am getting i know i should be okay =)

    1271021635
    Tigerlilies [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: General
    • Posts: 999
    • Joined: 12 Jan 2010

    That's a big relief for us all to hear. I hope you're support network means you've got a place that is safe and warm to get to now you're out of the woods.

    1271022064
    Columbus [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Colonel
    • Posts: 403
    • Joined: 19 Aug 2009

    Wow, huge step so total kudos to you! Stay strong and get as much support as you can. If I were you, but obviously I'm not!, I'd tell my parents so that they know and can help you out and be there for you. And if you're ever near Nottm let me know! x

    1271022650
    Ecksvie [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 1173
    • Joined: 11 Jun 2009

    I'm really happy for you that you've got up the courage to leave him. As others have said, get all the arrangements done beforehand so that you can just walk away and not have to worry.

    1271034297
    Goldenflower [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant
    • Posts: 1
    • Joined: 7 Dec 2008

    Hello BD i have just been reading all about your situation, and i just want to say i'm so proud of you for taking that first step and leaving him, you deserve someone who will love you for who you are and treats you right, you sound like such a lovely caring person!

    i believe doing this will make you stronger how ever hard it will be! I hope that one day when your life is sorted out and you are happy, that will find someone who truly cares about you and makes you feel good in every way.

    i hope it all works out and he doesn't make it too hard for you, but as Avrielle said don't tell him till the last minute when everythings ready, as this will make it far easier to walk out the door as it will make it harder for him to persuade you to stay, also maybe have a friend with you for support.

    anyway the best of luck!

    Ps you look really great in your pictures, i wish i had a figure like that :P

    1294349499
    BigPoppa [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Colonel
    • Posts: 346
    • Joined: 24 Jan 2010

    Returning to this thread after quite some time I was really pleased for you to hear you were ready to leave. We haven't heard from you since then.

    Did you leave? How did it pan out?

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