99p Next Day delivery! Hurry ends in ...
  1. Should I Put Up With Anal Because I Love Him?

    1266779837
    WandA [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 6177
    • Joined: 28 Nov 2007

    I think It's pretty much been summed up by people here so I will not type/rant too much.

    But if you love someone, you don't abuse their love. You don't emotionally force someone to go through pain to get your rocks off. You don't blackmail the person you love. And I'm sure many people here will tell you when you are with someone who loves you and you them that will give you more confidence that you can imagine!

    I really do try to keep an open mind on issues people post, hence why I pointed out that advice on here is best taken as suggestion and not gospel. However the more you type the more destructive your relationship appears to be. There are plenty of people here describing what they have been through and just how long it took to realise... you can hopefully realise how wrong your situation is before wasting half your life with an emotional rapist. I've read where you say you don't like that word but he needn't physically force you to get his way.

    On to my last point about strength. Just remember that even if you don't feel you have the strength, many of those that love you will. You may be able defer part of your uni course and move back into a loving environment with your parents or even friends if you explain the gravity of your situation. Few people have the strength alone but with loving friends or family that might just be enough.

    Also remember what some people have already said about not knowing our strength... You're on here. Admitting a difficult step requires confidence and strength instead of simply hiding from the truth.

    I hope you resolve your issues.

    Good luck and remember that you have a support network and you can consider these forums a part of it.

    1266779954
    sh4ag [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Major
    • Posts: 109
    • Joined: 11 Jul 2009

    hi i wasnt going to reply to this thread as everyone else has gave you similar advice how ever the only thing i can add that might be helpful or not helpful is to sit down and write things down in a diary or just on pieces of paper and think of the good times and the bad times and compare them.

    Sometimes it's hard to split up with him after so long and it will hurt because you love this person and cant imagine what your life will be like without him but also remember honey if somebody loves you they shouldnt do something that is going to hurt you and make you cry just because they love doing it.

    you might not be ready to split up with him just now but on thing you need to remember is your happiness should always come first.

    1266780745
    Alicia D'amore [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 3406
    • Joined: 2 Feb 2008

    Babydoll - please try not to take anything anyone has said the wrong way, I can see how it may seem like some people are being harsh or whatever but this thread has grown very fast showing that those who have replied genuinly want to help - you just have to sift through what is most useful to you (I know you haven't really taken things the wrong way but I just wanted to say that on behalf of all of us!)

    I think a big step is admitting you aren't happy. If you are realistic about that, hopefully, with time, the idea of leaving will become less scary.

    I understand the not feeling strong enough but, you are 19, you are beautiful and smart, you know how to take care of yourself (you cared for your mother for 5 years, you can take care of yourself!). It will be hard, but the longer it takes the harder it will be. I'm not trying to tell you what you can and can't do, but be realistic, write down what you would need to be able to leave (if that's what you want!) and break it into steps, it may be easier than you think WandA's tip is a good one, make use of the strength of those around you!

    If you're not ready to leave, then consider councilling, first alone, then with your partner. Be strong with your counciller, if he/she pushes you too much, insist that you are not ready to talk about that yet and ask to move on to something else. If your assigned counciller is too pushy then request to switch, you deserve to be listened to!

    In answer to the anal question - do not let anyone force you to do anything you don't want to do ever!! You are better than that, he should respect that you TRIED - the trying shows love, not the doing! If he loved you he wouldn't ask you to do something that makes you cry! He is wrong. Plain and simple, it doesn't show you love him, and why does he deserve for you to show love when he shows you so little!

    A relationship isn't failed if it ends! It is a step in the direction of happiness, from every bad relationship you learn something that will be useful in your future relationships and one day you will find a man who puts you first, who truely loves you and doesn't just use you (harsh but it's the way your current man comes across). You are young enough to leave now and go on to make the most of your life - you only live once and it is oh so short! Your happiness should be important!

    Good luck,

    Ax

    1266782289
    MzBee [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Captain
    • Posts: 100
    • Joined: 4 Jun 2009

    The fact that you know you have to leave, suggests you have the strength to do so. Maybe the practicalities of the situation of living somewhere are stopping you but that's small cheese compared to the mental torture you are putting yourself through.

    It's mental abuse, nothing less and you have to get out while you can. It's honestly that simple. I did 3 years of mental abuse - I ended up 5 stone and a shadow of myself. My mom used to look at me and turn away crying. I refused point blank to think anything was wrong, or rather to admit anything was wrong. I believed the arsehole completely. And then one day I snapped - completely and utterly and while I was snapping I knew I was doing the right thing for me.

    You have to do the right thing for you... and you have to do it now.

    1266884839
    baby.d0llo9 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Captain
    • Posts: 38
    • Joined: 6 Jan 2010

    i have only recently found out that my mum and dad think i should leave my partner.. but the same problems still apply.. i cant pay any money as i have none!

    i think i can put up with it at least till i get a job and can save up.. my parents want me to move back in with them.,. but id rather stay in my current city.. and rather try and make it on my own till i have to go back to my parents

    1266885664
    Puppies77 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Major General
    • Posts: 514
    • Joined: 5 Jul 2009

    Good luck BabyD x

    1266885799
    Columbus [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Colonel
    • Posts: 403
    • Joined: 19 Aug 2009

    I actually think, if you are now working through if you want to stay in this relationship or not, then you're already starting that process of 'leaving'. A friend of mine left her husband at the end of 2008 after he cheated on her. She found out (about his second infidelity) in the January and decided to try and work through things, then suddenly in the November got in touch to ask if she could come and stay as she was leaving him. She didn't seem to be all that down about it but she admitted that really she'd spent all of those months going through that process of anger and loss and grief for that relationship and him and so she'd done a lot of that emotional 'work' already - and she had to do that emotionally to then be able to physically leave. So through all of those months although she was telling herself she was staying with him and trying to make it work she realised when she did leave that actually it had been a process of getting her to that point.

    Whatever you do stay safe and as happy as you can x

    1266885816
    Ecksvie [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 1173
    • Joined: 11 Jun 2009

    I hope things work out for you babydoll. I joined this thread late so there's not much I can say that hasnt probably already been said already. If you're sticking around til you're on your feet and financially able to end it, make sure you put your foot down in the meantime. You really shouldnt have to do anything you dont want to do with your partner. You said you dont want to have to move back in with your parents and I can really understand where you're coming from, but I think that you really have to say no to your partner's terrible behaviour, and if it does result in you leaving/being kicked out and having to go back to your parents, then so be it.

    1266885909
    WandA [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 6177
    • Joined: 28 Nov 2007

    Good luck BD!

    And remember the LH forum is here if you need!

    1266886233
    Ecksvie [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 1173
    • Joined: 11 Jun 2009

    Also, since your parents want you to move back in with them, might it be possible to get/borrow the money for a train ticket tucked away, just in case? You dont have to use it, but if the worst comes to the worst, you're not stuck.

    1266942975
    jaycloth [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Captain
    • Posts: 71
    • Joined: 22 Feb 2010

    Sorry you're not having it so good, OP.

    There seem to be a lot of girls here with some forceful opinions, and in a sense, all saying the same thing. Let me give you how this might look from your boyfriend's perspective.

    It goes without saying that no one should be forced into any sex acts that they don't want to do. But is this the impression that you are giving your boyfriend? There is a big difference between "I don't like that and I won't do it" and "I don't like that, but if you do, I'll do it.". If you are saying that you have told him you don't like anal, but you agree to do it anyway because it makes you feel bad to say no - then its no surprise that he keeps on asking you. I find it difficult to justify saying he's really that terrible if this is the case. And if you can put up with it, and you genuinely love him - then that's answering your question, really.

    On the other hand, if you have told him you won't do anal, but he's "making" you do it anyway - then that's another story. In this case, yes, you're better off without him.

    I would never make anyone do anything, but if I thought my requests were reasonable, I'd keep asking.

    1266945097
    Rowan [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Major General
    • Posts: 533
    • Joined: 14 Jan 2009

    If you read through Jaycloth, BD explained that she asked him to stop at the time because it hurt. You write that you would keep asking if you thought your requests were reasonable. How would you decide that they were or were not reasonable (genuine curiousity here) I found it surprising initially to note how many people (both male and female) have been in similar situations. I put it to you that if a partner kept asking and did not take any hint, or was so wrapped up in his own pleasure as not to notice the woman as more than a vessel and not to see read any reactions that is a very good indicator of priorities and the point at which he or she will decide a request is unreasonable. Also that if a partner nags and nags for a particular act most loving partners would acquiese to demands on the basis of it 'being so important to them' in recognition of relationships being built upon compromise. Most of us are willing to make sacrifices for a partner, the problem is when that sacrifice is damaging to ourselves. Yes it is worthwhile considering the man's point of view but BD has also mentioned that she is concerned refusing again would cause a breakdown in the relationship as she has previously confronted this with him and it instead caused arguments and resulted in emotional blackmail and the 'If you love me you will do it' and 'well I like it' responses.

    Yes, there are a lot of girls on here with 'forceful' opinions as you put it but this is primarily because there are a lot of girls on here who have lived similar things, nor is it an exclusively female thread. There is another thread that BD created which gives a little more background.

    BabyDoll- Uni councilling services tend to be good for pratical advice and information and not based around pressing you to discuss anything you do not wish to. I hope you do not think we have been overly forceful, it certainly wasn't intentional, nor is any of this meant to be taken as gospel truth. You seem like an intelligent woman who enjoys her independence and I'm sure you will find something which works for you. Actually considering all of these things is indeed a big and very significant step, it will give you a lot to work through and you seem to be doing so very well and quite coherently. I wish you all the best and am deeply apologetic for any unintentional offence I may have caused. There is unlikely to be any easy and tidy overnight solution either way to your difficulties but they are not unresolvable, there are both people and organisations in place and around you that are very useful and would be delighted to provide help and advice that is more particular to your situation as we have only minimal information and are likely to appear rather idealistic and/ zealous in our exhortations of self confidence and strong, loving relationships . AdnaW is right, you don't 'pass' aor 'fail' relationships, and life is a learning process, often we kiss a toad or two before our frog turns into a prince, but each time there is one less toad and a greater understanding of self and others. Good luck and best wishes x *hugs

    1266946000
    jaycloth [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Captain
    • Posts: 71
    • Joined: 22 Feb 2010

    If refusing to do anal results in the relationship breaking down, I would say that's not a big deal. I don't have a horse in this race, but from the outside I would say that the relationship isn't worth saving and BD is better off using her energy to make herself happy - possibly with someone else.

    1266946168
    Rowan [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Major General
    • Posts: 533
    • Joined: 14 Jan 2009

    horse in this race?

    1266947017
    Malteser81 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: General
    • Posts: 851
    • Joined: 2 Aug 2009

    jaycloth wrote:

    Sorry you're not having it so good, OP.

    There seem to be a lot of girls here with some forceful opinions, and in a sense, all saying the same thing. Let me give you how this might look from your boyfriend's perspective.

    It goes without saying that no one should be forced into any sex acts that they don't want to do. But is this the impression that you are giving your boyfriend? There is a big difference between "I don't like that and I won't do it" and "I don't like that, but if you do, I'll do it.". If you are saying that you have told him you don't like anal, but you agree to do it anyway because it makes you feel bad to say no - then its no surprise that he keeps on asking you. I find it difficult to justify saying he's really that terrible if this is the case. And if you can put up with it, and you genuinely love him - then that's answering your question, really.

    On the other hand, if you have told him you won't do anal, but he's "making" you do it anyway - then that's another story. In this case, yes, you're better off without him.

    I would never make anyone do anything, but if I thought my requests were reasonable, I'd keep asking.

    Wow..... i feel rather offended by what you are saying, mainly as I was stuck in a relationship for years where I was mentally conditioned into doing many things. My ex used to ask for anul and I would say that I didn't really want to as it can hurt or say not tonight, needless to say anal would follow and even though I would be crying my ex never stopped till he had finnished. U c if a man loved a woman he would at no point do somthing that a woman had in anyway said that she was unsure about. Unless its a deffinate yes, then the answer is always no.

    Baby D its so hard to fight in your own head what is happening and I must say that you are very brave to admitt what u have on these forums.

    The one thing I realised is that no one can make decisions for u, u really have to do it yourself, but dont ever be unsure to take any help that is offered.

    Hope u.... no.... look forward to hearing that u are much happier soon with whatever decision u make Xxx

    1266947396
    Tigerlilies [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: General
    • Posts: 999
    • Joined: 12 Jan 2010

    I think when we're intimate with someone we have a gut instinct with these things. As a lover, you're bed companion can agree to something but you'll *KNOW* that this isn't what's in their heart. I don't want to be presumptious but I feel anyone who knew Babydoll in real life would understand not to pressure someone and to to take it slow? Correct me if I'm wrong Babydoll but I think you want someone who feels like a team player in bed? Not someone who sets a challenge or difficulties to overcome.

    A man or woman shouldn't go through with something just becuase there was nothing to stop him. The same applies to why you wouldn't have sex with a girl or boy so drunk that they don't know they're arse from their elbow.

    Part of being in a relationship is being attuned to that person's needs and what makes them tic. It's not rocket science it's called listening and speaking. I don't think a man who saw even the subtlest signs that his lover was uncomfortable could go through with it, so I have to disagree with you Jaycloth.

    1266956142
    WandA [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 6177
    • Joined: 28 Nov 2007

    jaycloth wrote:

    Sorry you're not having it so good, OP.

    There seem to be a lot of girls here with some forceful opinions, and in a sense, all saying the same thing. Let me give you how this might look from your boyfriend's perspective.

    It goes without saying that no one should be forced into any sex acts that they don't want to do. But is this the impression that you are giving your boyfriend? There is a big difference between "I don't like that and I won't do it" and "I don't like that, but if you do, I'll do it.". If you are saying that you have told him you don't like anal, but you agree to do it anyway because it makes you feel bad to say no - then its no surprise that he keeps on asking you. I find it difficult to justify saying he's really that terrible if this is the case. And if you can put up with it, and you genuinely love him - then that's answering your question, really.

    On the other hand, if you have told him you won't do anal, but he's "making" you do it anyway - then that's another story. In this case, yes, you're better off without him.

    I would never make anyone do anything, but if I thought my requests were reasonable, I'd keep asking.

    Obviously we have only heard one side of this story but the reason BOTH women and men are being so forceful is because there appears to be something seriously wrong.

    If we take the example of her crying during anal I feel it is fair to say a person who places more concern on his own trivial pleasure over her obvious pain requires some pretty strong action.

    There is of course compromise but it is not a compromise that appears to be his request, just pure selfish pleasure.

    1266961240
    Tigerlilies [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: General
    • Posts: 999
    • Joined: 12 Jan 2010

    I feel so much for you, Babydoll, because it must be so hard to understand why a person who says they love you can be so thoughtless.

    People who are confused why their partner can be like this often realise that they are involved in a relationship fueled by control more than love. Some times people who struggle with their own feelings of worthlessness use their relationship to create a feeling of personal power. They do this at your expense and it's very destructive, for both parties.

    In your posts you often seen to second guess yourself, wondering if what you're saying is complaining or if you're over reacting. It's often the case in emotionally abusive realationships that we're more inclined to believe our partners than ourselves. When we find ourselves asking 'is it reasonable to feel this way' or 'have I got this wrong/misinterpreted this?' it shows that we've been conditioned to no longer trust our own judgement. Your mind is picking up on things and making you see things that hurt and annoy you because deep down you know what you're experiencing is wrong, and it's not fair to you. The difficult thing is that in the state you're in you can't feel the strength of your convictions.

    Low self worth and a lack of belief in a better future for yourself can make it hard to move on. I hope you understand that anything that's happened to you in the past is not your responsibility. It doesn't excuse any difficulties people put you through and it doesn't make you someone whose feelings should be discredited. You deserve to loved and respected but part of that is loving and respecting yourself.

    I really think and hope you find this link useful

    http://abuse-recovery.suite101.com/article.cfm/from_realizing_to_overcoming

    There's a quote here I think would be really helpful to you.

    there is absolutely nothing as important to our psychological well-being as our self-esteem. It affects virtually every aspect of our lives, including how we perceive ourselves and others, how others perceive us, our choices in life, our ability to give and receive love, and our ability and willingness to take action when things need to be changed” (1). Knowing this, victims of emotional abuse must make it a perpetual priority of theirs to reflect upon their positive attributes and recognize that they have so much to offer in life


    x


    1267017220
    Sam66 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant Colonel
    • Posts: 220
    • Joined: 17 Nov 2009

    No you shouldn't

    Sex ought never to be anything other than a joyous expression of love (IMO anyway - now I'm older I can't any longer see sex as just recreation ... but that's me).

    It might be difficult to leave in the short term because of circumstances, but please do. It is a form of sexual abuse and control and as such has no place in any relationship. Wouldn't your parents help out to get you home and safe?

    1267017334
    Sam66 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant Colonel
    • Posts: 220
    • Joined: 17 Nov 2009

    PS ... Good luck!

    Post a reply to this thread

    Please sign in to post messages to the forum.