• Should I Put Up With Anal Because I Love Him?

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    Kitty_McPlunder [sign in to see picture]
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    I know I'm really late jumping in here, and I don't have anything unique to add, but I just wanted to say that you look really beautiful to me, and you seem like such a sweet and kind-hearted person who definately doesn't deserve to be treated so badly.

    I really hope you find the courage to do the right thing. Be strong honey. xxxxxxxxxx

    1266709053
    baby.d0llo9 [sign in to see picture]
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    Kitty_McPlunder wrote:

    I know I'm really late jumping in here, and I don't have anything unique to add, but I just wanted to say that you look really beautiful to me, and you seem like such a sweet and kind-hearted person who definately doesn't deserve to be treated so badly.

    I really hope you find the courage to do the right thing. Be strong honey. xxxxxxxxxx

    Thanks

    1266709135
    baby.d0llo9 [sign in to see picture]
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    baby.d0llo9 wrote:

    Kitty_McPlunder wrote:

    I know I'm really late jumping in here, and I don't have anything unique to add, but I just wanted to say that you look really beautiful to me, and you seem like such a sweet and kind-hearted person who definately doesn't deserve to be treated so badly.

    I really hope you find the courage to do the right thing. Be strong honey. xxxxxxxxxx

    Thanks

    I ment to say thanks for your comment all comments are welcome even if you are just re-writting what someone else has already said . thanks for your kind words.. and its soo nice to have so many supportive people

    1266709383
    Jonno [sign in to see picture]
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    baby.d0llo9 wrote:

    I know what i should do.. but im not strong enough to do it !! but thanks anyway!

    yes you are! if you keep telling yourself that you're not then you are not going to get anywhere

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    baby.d0llo9 [sign in to see picture]
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    Ok let me just say you dont know me i do!!

    And i know that right now, IM NOT STRONG ENOUGH YET

    please dont tell me what i can and can not do.. i know that i cant do it right now at this time.. he is also ive known for nearly 5 years of my life.. i have been going out with this guy since i was 15 and its gonna take me a while to get the strength and courage to leave! I cant just up and leave!

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    Puppies77 [sign in to see picture]
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    baby.d0llo9 wrote:

    i havent thought about seeing one.. I never really thought i should.. ive been like this since i was 14 which was when it nearly happened.. i started having councilling but they just pressured me to talk about it when i wasnt ready so i stopped going

    I know what you mean, I have seen about 5 councilers over the last 10 years and its only ben the last 3yrs that i felt i could talk openly. I think that is partly down to my OH helping me trust ppl and the fact i have come to terms with some of the things too.

    We can all offer advice but the only one who can make the decisions is you. I hope you find the strength to figure things out.

    The forums are a great place and have given me lots more self confidence, hopefully they will for you too. :)

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    baby.d0llo9 [sign in to see picture]
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    Puppies77 wrote:

    baby.d0llo9 wrote:

    i havent thought about seeing one.. I never really thought i should.. ive been like this since i was 14 which was when it nearly happened.. i started having councilling but they just pressured me to talk about it when i wasnt ready so i stopped going

    I know what you mean, I have seen about 5 councilers over the last 10 years and its only ben the last 3yrs that i felt i could talk openly. I think that is partly down to my OH helping me trust ppl and the fact i have come to terms with some of the things too.

    We can all offer advice but the only one who can make the decisions is you. I hope you find the strength to figure things out.

    The forums are a great place and have given me lots more self confidence, hopefully they will for you too. :)

    I hope so too.. tho sometimes it can feel like people think im just being foolish, but i honestly don't have the confidence or strength yet

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    Mistress Morticia [sign in to see picture]
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    I feel people may feel I'm being foolish with my partner but as you say you know you and I know me and I know why I'm not having a full on row about finding out he cheated a couple of years ago - I don't know if he still is time will tell.

    But I will say this to you and the advice is given with your best interests at heart. A cheating person is not dangerous especially as I know he has done it and he's unawares I know, but someone who uses sexual blackmail and hurts not only your body but your feelings is dangerous.

    You don't have to jump and leave right now, but if it is what you ultimately want to do, then plan ahead for when you are strong enough to leave. Noone deserves to be bullied or made to feel threatened by any other person.

    We are all here to offer support and advice and the best and ultimate advice is leave, so take a deep breath and plan your escape to freedom slowly. Maybe you could even suggest going for a little break to you parents just to get away for a week or so. By having the space and a clear head you may well feel you have found the strength to do it for good.

    When you are next soaking in the bath, lie back and imagine how you could leave. It's a start and please remember, don't be afraid as he can't read your mind.

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    Ilovemyman [sign in to see picture]
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    Hiya, you really need to get out of there, If he is forcing you to do something you don't want to do you either need to be strong enough to say no and talk it through and see what happens or leave. If you want to stay you need to be totally honest with each other, if you don't want to do something don't do it. You have said your mum understands, talk to her, you need to speak to some one and tell them you are not happy, i know you probably won't want to but there are safe houses you can go to, your GP can help. Only you can decide if you are going to let him do this to you or if you are going to leave. Good luck x

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    Puppies77 [sign in to see picture]
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    baby.d0llo9 wrote:

    Puppies77 wrote:

    baby.d0llo9 wrote:

    i havent thought about seeing one.. I never really thought i should.. ive been like this since i was 14 which was when it nearly happened.. i started having councilling but they just pressured me to talk about it when i wasnt ready so i stopped going

    I know what you mean, I have seen about 5 councilers over the last 10 years and its only ben the last 3yrs that i felt i could talk openly. I think that is partly down to my OH helping me trust ppl and the fact i have come to terms with some of the things too.

    We can all offer advice but the only one who can make the decisions is you. I hope you find the strength to figure things out.

    The forums are a great place and have given me lots more self confidence, hopefully they will for you too. :)

    I hope so too.. tho sometimes it can feel like people think im just being foolish, but i honestly don't have the confidence or strength yet

    I don't think you are being foolish hun. You can ask advice and we can only sudgest things. x

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    Gyrator53 [sign in to see picture]
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    "There is also the issue of I have no family where I live, so if he did dump me I would have to move in to a hostel as my mates cant put me up and my family live over 100miles away and I have no car,, it’s a 3 hour journey on a train and the tickets are £34, and I’m a student so I personally have no income "

    It seems at least part of what is keeping you in this situation is the practicalities of having somewhere else to stay and of extricating your belongings from the current place without facing a big emotional situation with your OH.

    Ask yourself, if your gear could somehow be spirited out to a new flat or room in hall would you go for it? If the answer is yes then you need to summon the help at hand. Your tutor should be able to pull strings via the accommodations office to find you something and you dad I'm sure would be happy to get your gear moved without you having to face a big confrontation with your OH.

    You really don't need to go into details with your tutor or your folks - all they need to know is that the current situation is untenable and you need out. They should respect your right to keep the details private.

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    Rowan [sign in to see picture]
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    Having been to psychiatry, psychology, seen a community nurse and spoken to a normal councillor in uni (over the course of a decade for various reasons) I would suggest finding out if there's a councilling service in your uni, they'll see a lot of similar things (though deal with a wide range) ask your GP about options. Have you tried any of the phone lines such as the samaritans or breathing space?

    Strength is rarely something that people have innately and are aware of; like physical muscle it is usually developed through use, necessity and growth. What you describe is, even if you don't want to identify it as such, sexual abuse and blackmail, both of which are illegal. The short answer to your question is NO. I know you love him, and he may well love you, but he treats you badly. You say that you are not strong anough yet but this man seems to be eroding confidence and making you feel worse and weaker which suggests that he will continue to do so making the 'yet' harder to reach.

    There is absolutely no necessity to go into details with tutors or parents etc, 'it just wasn't working out', 'we grew apart'. the computer thing, people have divorced for less and no-one would read your mind. Your dad doesn't have to no, mine doesn't know about my ex (far less severe but he's protective of my sisters and I. It comes with the territory I'm told)

    The uni are usually helpful, try to write down all the practical hindrances, if they were absent and you still would not leave then this is really rather an empty excercise as you'll have made up your mind over what to do. May be worth getting in touch with a domestic abuse helpline for advice, and saying that you don't feel strong enough and aren't sure if you want to leave yet, they are usually helpful, without being forceful, or judgemental (like us ;)) and are welll acquainted with practicalities.

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    diamonds [sign in to see picture]
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    What a competle arse hole!

    no one should make you do anything you dont want to do, and if he loved you, he wouldnt make you do and keep doing something you hate so much!

    next time he ask you to show u love him by having anal i would turn round and say well show me you love me and let me do anal to you! (tit for tat i know but serisouly this guy is total twat)!

    i know theres lots of reasons why your saying your not ready to leave him yet, but the longer u stay with someone like this the harder its going to be for you to ever feel ready enoth to leave him.

    i think yur best bet would be to talk to your family and/or friends and tell them how unhappy you are and im sure in a shot they would do all they could to help you! and i would also strongly suggest going to see a councolor they truly work wonders and i should know as ive been seeing them on and off since the age of 14 (am now coming up to 23). they can help you with so much and you can tell them everything and anything and by doing so you become better in yourself and become more stronger and conferdant and this is what you seem to want/need before dealing with him.

    i wish you much luck and hope what ever you choice to do works out for you

    Dxx

    1266767093
    Sweet Mistress Sabrina [sign in to see picture]
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    I've been in a similar position before, but am SO glad that I had the self-respect to get out of there.

    Babydoll, you are headed in the right direction as you said. The first thing you have to do is realise that you aren't happy and you aren't in the right place. Sex is a difficult thing - you have to work with someone and try things out and find the right balance to make the relationship work. Sometimes testing things you're not sure about leads you to find something you love with a person who loves you.

    But someone who loves you or even cares about your feelings at all would never ask you to 'prove' yourself by doing something that hurts you and that you don't enjoy with him.

    Think about it this way. If you've kissed someone else it proves you're unhappy. Not only that, but you can't get back the closeness you might have had before that, no matter how much you want to. Some of the trust (if it was there before) has gone from the relationship, and trust is something you definitely need for anal...

    To try something once is fine, but to do something that damages you as a person for someone like that is just not worth it. Find someone who respects you and cares about YOUR feelings and YOUR sexual preferences. There are plenty of men out there who enjoy making their partners happy.

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    Sweet Mistress Sabrina [sign in to see picture]
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    And I will add that it takes guts to leave something behind, even if it's something bad, and you would gain a lot of respect from others and from yourself if you could do it. I had to do that for my own safety (and seek counselling, as others have suggested). And I didn't think I had anywhere to turn (as you don't). But I started again by myself - got a job, got a life - and it makes such a difference that I've realised I don't need someone to depend on.

    It takes time and it isn't easy, but you can get there. Now I get to say yes and no for myself, and it is SO much better that way.

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    Sweet Mistress Sabrina [sign in to see picture]
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    Sorry if I sound a bit forceful! This is something I feel strongly about having suffered it before. I really feel for you and why you feel you can't get out. At the end of the day you can only hear what other people think but you have to decide your own mind for yourself.

    Nobody can tell you what you should do. I hope it all works out for you and don't hesitate to ask questions!

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    sexy little minx [sign in to see picture]
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    I saw this thread yesterday but didn't have time to reply then, there has already been some excelent advice (wouldn't expect anything else from the OA) don't think I can add much but to answer your original question, hell no! He is making you do something that hurts, that just isn't right. Just my opinion but it seems to me like he is just using you as his own personal fuck toy with no regards to your well being or safety.

    You say that you are not stong enough to leave him but from personal experience you won't get the strength until after you do it. You have made a great first step by sharing your problem with us. Please do what is right for you and don't let him hurt you any more.

    *hugs* SLM xxx

    1266772093
    sweetlove666 [sign in to see picture]
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    ok first things first. if you have no where to live if you do leave him there are several options that the university should be able to help you with, such as housing benefit and hardship funds, theres money out there somewhere. you do not have to tell them the whole truth, they would just want to know that you split up. the student advice centre at your university can help you with this.

    as it has been said, he is making you do something you do not want, and personally i dont see it as consenual. there is no more advice i can offer that hasnt been said on that note.

    your self esteem seems very low, and as he's an emotionally abusive partner ( again this is from what youve said) he has found a way to use this against you and will continue to do this. counselling will do wonders for you, when you are ready. it is very daunting to make that first step, but once you do it can help. counselling only works with the right person talking to you, so don't be afraid of saying that the appointed counsellor isnt right for you. they also should not make you extremley uncomfortable, though some discomfort will naturally be part of talking about the problems, its the only way to heal.

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    baby.d0llo9 [sign in to see picture]
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    wow alot of people have replied,, am gonna try and answer your questions:

    Avrielle_Aniko wrote:

    Oh good lord. I've been ignorign this thread because I thought it was a basic enough question that others would give great advice on easily!

    While there is some good advice, I totally understand why you feel your not strong enough to leave him.

    Do you live with him? (I cant find that part..)

    I dont have any real advice to give you unfortunately, except that you need to work on yourself before ANYONE else. I lived with my mother when I started going into a really deep depression and she always told me that it wasn't a real illness, and that it couldn't be treated. True, its not the same as treating a broken leg, but it is still something that needs treating. You are (and I hate using this phrase.. apologies) unwell, and you need to be well again before sorting out anything else.

    I'm sure you know this.

    But mental health is a vast subject and can sometimes take years before you are strong again. The question is do you actually want to leave him? Not saying that you pack up and go straight away, but do you really want to leave him? If you felt you could and if the factors that are stopping you at the moment from leaving weren't there, would you do it?

    If the answer is yes, then I would speak to your counseller about it. Tell her the barriers that are stopping you. Along with mental health it could be a number of other things, like housing, money, security, old love. Have a think about whats stopping you and why you aren't strong enough and try to come up with answers to these problems. (I have been in a similar position and found it worked a lot.) For instance, housing can be sorted out by going to you council office and ask to be put on a housing list. It may take some time and if you were to change your mind later on, you can always decline a house offered to you.

    Meanwhile I would carry on with whatever help you are getting for your mental health. If you feel its not progressing well with councelling then I would talk to your GP. Psychiatric doctors may sound scary and can feel very daunting, but it may be the right path for you. Don't go quoting me on that though. There are hundreds of routes you can take, and your are perfectly entitled to ask what those routes are.

    I hope things will pick up for you soon though doll. And you are a lot stronger than you prob think you are!

    (Wow, I'm feeling like a doctor myself now! Lol!)

    Yes i live with him, Im not sure why u think im unwell tho??

    most of you are saying if i could leave an not have to worry about it would i, and i think the answer is yes.

    An to the counciller bit, they dont really work for me, i end up feeling pressured to talk about things that im not ready for

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    fluffy rob [sign in to see picture]
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    My instant advice would be to get away from him but I appreciate that this is alot more difficult to say than do. It is always easier to give people advice from outside the situation than if they were in it.

    Your man is doing something wrong in controlling you at all and certainley to do something you do not like or enjoy. You can not help who you love but you do have to ask is this love? Personally I beleive if that truly love some one you accept them as they are and certainley do not control them as they are not a possesion.

    You have made a step in the right direction asking the question on the forum and ultimatey you know the answer yourself. You have to do what is right and comfortable for yourself it just may take you time to get there but you have to look after yourself first because he won't.

    I really hope that you get the situation sorted out for yourself.

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