1. Age old issue, but don't want to cheat

    1518124196
    pazza [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi All,

    As many here have experienced, I have a higher sex drive than my partner and we have sex maybe only once a month, maybes less. We don't live together so it is trickier with flatmates etc but I used to love dressing up for exes and experimenting with locations, positions and toys but he's happy with missionary.

    I am into dirty talk but he hates it so it's got to the point where sex feels awkwardand I just want it over with.

    I've never ever experienced this but now I have a strong urge to sleep with other men and I don't know how to handle it? My partner and I have been together for 4 years and he runs his own business so he's always busy. At first I was fine with that but as the years have gone on it frustrates me that he has no cultural interests outside of the business (am I being harsh here as he is an entrepreneur after all?)

    Outisde the bedroom he is a wonderful person and looks after me and has my back like noone else I could imagine. I adore his family and see a future... except for this.

    I've tried to bring it up subtly, I've tried to bring things into the bedroom or suggest things, I've even point blank said I feel like you don't fancy me x, y, z.

    So where do I go from here? It feels awful to leave someone for that reason and I don't want to but I also don't want to cheat. I don't know much about his sexual past but I have a feeling he's not very experienced. Even if we were to seek help it wouldn't feel comfortable as I think the lust has gone :(

    Please help!

    1518124592
    KingGrthy [sign in to see picture]
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    You have a need that is not met in your relationship. It is a big one. Sounds like you’ve tried speaking about it. After that you can just accept it, leave, or tell him you want to sleep with other men and see if he is ok with that.

    1518124806
    C.A [sign in to see picture]
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    This is a difficult situation you're in. How did he respond when you brought it up? If you've already tried talking to him about it and nothing has changed then not sure what else you can do.

    Although sex isn't the only part of a relationship it is an important part. You're feeling unhappy and unsatisfyed to the point you want to sleep with soneone else. I of course do not suggest you do just that but perhaps try talking to him again and gently bring up these thoughts you are having. You don't want to pressure him into having more sex or else you'll cheat but he should be aware that he's pushing you away.
    It seems as though you are starting to resent him for it which will only bring down other aspects of your relationship.
    You deserve to be happy, in all aspects of a relationship.

    1518126044
    pazza [sign in to see picture]
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    You're right C.A. - I am starting to resent him.

    When I bring things up subtly, for example seeing something on TV and telling him I like that, he just replies 'I know you do' which absolutely gets under my skin because he obviously doesn't!

    Then I resorted to outright saying that we have no sex life and how when I hint to him that I like something it's actually a hint to do it... but he just shrugs it off.

    I say my sex drive is higher but it's by no means high, so to leave an otherwise perfect man because of sex doesn't sit right when I'm hardly a nymphomaniac.

    I'm a relationship girl and haven't had much sex outside of a relationship so for me to feel this way is really out of character :(

    1518126282
    pazza [sign in to see picture]
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    what else can I do?

    1518127967
    C.A [sign in to see picture]
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    If he just shrugs it off when you are spilling out your feelings and thoughts to him then it sounds like he simply does not care, or respects how you are feeling.

    If you leave him it's not just because of the lack of sex, it's because he doesn't care that you are unhappy, he won't meet in the middle to satisfy you. He's selfish because he'll only have sex when and how it suits him without you in mind or even consider your ideas.
    Breaking up due to sexual problems is very common and nothing to feel bad about. Problems with your sex life branches out to create other problems within a relationship.

    You shouldn't feel bad because you have a normal sex drive, nor should he be made to feel bad about having a low sex drive. you two just don't seem compatible in that area and it's causing issues which might not get better and shouldn't be left to get worse.
    You both need to be with someone who's sex drive is closer to your own and not polar opposite.

    I'm sorry for this sounding so 'pro breakup' you probably know deep down what the best choice for you is and i am just an outsider who knows nothing.
    All i can say is to talk to him and ask him his thoughts, feelings and opinions are on your sex life together. Listen to what he has to say, without interrupting too much or getting defensive. you may understand his point of view and can have a proper talk about it without making each other feel bad.

    If that fails then you could recomend going couples councling, that's something no-one should be ashamed of doing.

    1518132930
    me me me me [sign in to see picture]
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    This sounds a little like how me and my OH was in 2016.I was only 24 at the time and he was 30.He would never go near me. I tried many ways to spice things up in the bedroom nothing seemed to help.I thought it was me,that he wasn't attracted to me anymore but he said that wasn't the case i wouldn't say I've got the highest of sex drives but not the lowest it even got to the point that i when to my GP asking if there was anyway to lower or even stop my sex drive as it was beginning to depress me but nope nothing could be done.

    I tried my best even suggested swinging as i am the only women he's been with sexually.he agreed. We joined a site as a couple and all the attention was mainly on me not him we both agreed.

    I then i ended up taking to a few guys. i slept with 2 safely. He knew of them but still in my head it felt like he didn't want me. I spoke to those guys for a little while then my OH secretly read all of my messages and completely flipped. thinking he wasn't good enough even though i had been fully honest and told him everything i was doing and the type of things they was saying he still flipped out.

    Other than thing's in the bedroom we are and was best of friends and he is my soulmate.

    after the above happened he had some tests done which confirmed he had low testosterone which led to many different forms of treatment later his health got even worse and turned out he had cancer a brain tumor which he is still battling now.

    We are both still together and now newly married. Sex is now even way less than before all this started but we appeciate other thing's. More time cuddling kissing holding hands and if sex happens it happens some things we just take too much for granted and yes i do still have a high sex drive but have had to learn how to manage it myself using toys even if he's in the bed right next to me.

    If i could turn back time i wouldn't have tried swinging myself now knowing it wasn't his fault he had a slite personalitly change which soon returned to normal there are and can be many underlined issues that may need to be checked if you both haven't already.

    Please try other ways before considering this you will carry it for the rest of your life there are many other options to consider sorry if i went on a bit .

    1518133645
    pazza [sign in to see picture]
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    wow, I'm so sorry to hear how things turned out with the cancer and I wish him a speedy recovery.

    This has struck a nerve because I had considered suggesting swinging, that way he'd get more experience without me outright saying he needs it. Even the thought of him with other women doesn't make me want to be sick so that's how I know it's got to a bad place.

    I know your priorities have changed now but surely you must still have urges and your sex drive to deal with?

    1518134792
    me me me me [sign in to see picture]
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    pazza wrote:

    wow, I'm so sorry to hear how things turned out with the cancer and I wish him a speedy recovery.

    This has struck a nerve because I had considered suggesting swinging, that way he'd get more experience without me outright saying he needs it. Even the thought of him with other women doesn't make me want to be sick so that's how I know it's got to a bad place.

    I know your priorities have changed now but surely you must still have urges and your sex drive to deal with?

    Thank you Pazza

    We also have 3 kids aged seven two and three

    he lost his job which had an impact and has become limited with day to day things but he's on the mend.

    sex is very rare but we find ways when he's not too tired out. With everything we've gone through this is how i ended up being here finding others who love sex and many here who have been so kind and supportive.

    plus joining here I'm also finding out more about myself trying new toys for myself and what does it for me i was rather new to toys before joining here and used to feel uncomfortable doing it beside him and to be honest at first it would have me in tears wanting him but he wasn't able(before knowing he was ill) but now i just have to do it for my own sanity we have both changed alot in a short space of time even though sex it's seft isn't always on the cards we make up for it with four play together or if he can't he will give me a hand or two even if it's just holding me it makes a big difference.

    but personally i wouldn't go down that route we both 100% agreed but for the wrong reasons and we both tell each other everything id try other ways of managing your sex drive and finding out if there is anything else causing any issues before considering something you may later regret

    1518135803
    Purring-Pussy [sign in to see picture]
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    How about writing it all down in a letter to him? It might sink in a little better. Let him know what he measns to you and that you'd like to spend more time being intimate with him.

    1518135859
    me me me me [sign in to see picture]
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    And to be honest my sex drive now seems a lot higher than it was back then.It's just finding the right balance,finding what works best for you and finding the time for yourself.Even now if i had to choose toys or to randomly have sex with another outside of our relationship id choose toys.

    1518137371
    me me me me [sign in to see picture]
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    Purring-Pussy wrote:

    How about writing it all down in a letter to him? It might sink in a little better. Let him know what he measns to you and that you'd like to spend more time being intimate with him.

    Totally agree if your finding it hard to tell him.

    If there are some things he doesn't like try to respect that some things won't change.

    Also you state you have flatmates

    Try searching the forum for quiet toys if you can't find any suggestions make a thread i'm sure there will be many who would be able to recommend things to help.

    1518139747
    pazza [sign in to see picture]
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    Thanks guys, a letter is a great idea. What angle do I go in with? As you say I don't want it to come across as 'do what I want in the bedroom or I'll sleep with other men'.

    Another thing to get your opinion on - and please do tell me if I'm being unfair - but he is really lazy with how he dresses and only shaves when I tell him to. Part of me thinks there's not much I can do, because he was like that when I met him but I put that down to lack of female influence in his life for significant period of time. As we've gotten older I hoped his sense of style/grooming would have improved and while I feel awful for citing not shaving as a reason for relationship issues, I find his scruffy look unattractive, which then feeds in to the sex issue. Am I being unreasonable? Again, I have voiced this many times but feel a total b*tch for saying 'I don't wan't sex with you because it's boring and I'm not attracted to you with an unkempt beard'.

    I guess it's because I make sure I am always groomed the way he likes (i.e. have had a manicure ever since he commented on how he likes me with one).

    1518163425
    Mr Pheebs [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi Pazza,

    People being in a relationship with the concept of improving their partner in areas due to relationship influence is flawed, people don’t radically change their appearance and attitudes just because they’re in a relationship generally and I’m not convinced going into a steady relationship with the ideal of changing someone is a great way to start the relationship.

    That being said, I don’t think you’re being unfair, sounds to me like you’re just trying to keep your relationship going but your OH is failing to tick many of your boxes. You’re not looking for excuses, you’re just finding yourself having to review how you feel about your partner and that’s better than pretending everything is fine. It’s part of relationship maintainance.

    Reading your posts it just doesn’t seem like your relationship was a great fit from the start or maybe you have changed and he hasn’t? One thing I have noticed in my relationship is how much different we are since we married 22 years ago, mostly we’ve grown together but some things in our relationship change and sometimes these things need discussion, I think identifying this and again maintaining conversation & compromising is an integral part of a healthy relationship.

    Either way the letter idea is great but to me, it sounds like this relationship is not really working for either of you, sort it out or leave it before you become desperate & unfaithful because you don’t need this on your shoulders too and then move on either way.

    I hope this advice doesn’t upset you as this is not my intention but to be honest (like this post), life isn’t long enough to be that unhappy and you seem to be in a really difficult situation that needs all or nothing resolution.

    Obviously this is just my opinion but I hope it helps you X

    1518165494
    Cutecountrygirl [sign in to see picture]
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    Part of me says the relationship is always going to be strained and you should leave, but then I have a wonderful man who has stuck with me for 8 years depsite a lot of sex issues (on my part). I couldn't imagine life without him.

    It's a tricky one. A testosterone test sounds like a good idea though.

    1518169564
    Love Stud Too [sign in to see picture]
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    Mrs LST here

    You say he is hard working Could it be that he is tired all the time? Would a holiday and change of location offer the chance of an improvement? If he is less experienced perhaps you could teach him via sex books and take a learning journey of togetherness? Have you tried sexy lingerie to spark his interests? Ask yourself, has sex become something of a habit for you without any spontaneity? Try to introduce this adventure back into your relationship.

    What ever you decide to do, please don't cheat on your man as this in only going to hurt him, it would be kinder to finish the relationship. You obviously love him so please try some of my suggestions and good luck.

    1518169565
    Love Stud Too [sign in to see picture]
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    Mrs LST here

    You say he is hard working Could it be that he is tired all the time? Would a holiday and change of location offer the chance of an improvement? If he is less experienced perhaps you could teach him via sex books and take a learning journey of togetherness? Have you tried sexy lingerie to spark his interests? Ask yourself, has sex become something of a habit for you without any spontaneity? Try to introduce this adventure back into your relationship.

    What ever you decide to do, please don't cheat on your man as this in only going to hurt him, it would be kinder to finish the relationship. You obviously love him so please try some of my suggestions and good luck.

    1518169768
    me me me me [sign in to see picture]
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    pazza wrote:

    Thanks guys, a letter is a great idea. What angle do I go in with? As you say I don't want it to come across as 'do what I want in the bedroom or I'll sleep with other men'.

    Another thing to get your opinion on - and please do tell me if I'm being unfair - but he is really lazy with how he dresses and only shaves when I tell him to. Part of me thinks there's not much I can do, because he was like that when I met him but I put that down to lack of female influence in his life for significant period of time. As we've gotten older I hoped his sense of style/grooming would have improved and while I feel awful for citing not shaving as a reason for relationship issues, I find his scruffy look unattractive, which then feeds in to the sex issue. Am I being unreasonable? Again, I have voiced this many times but feel a total b*tch for saying 'I don't wan't sex with you because it's boring and I'm not attracted to you with an unkempt beard'.

    I guess it's because I make sure I am always groomed the way he likes (i.e. have had a manicure ever since he commented on how he likes me with one).

    If this is how he was when you first got with him i really don't think you should expect him to change if my OH asked the same sort of thing he'd be out the door same for me if i expected him to change unless of cause if he wanted too.

    it sounds more like your maybe the one who has changed if your no longer finding him attractive because of his beard are you sure your not looking for little things to pick at to make excuses if you really feel it's not working even after trying more stuff like suggested earlier at least you know it's not you and it's time to let go. But as for the beard thing valentines day is coming you could always buy him a beard grooming kit as a gift
    1518175673
    pazza [sign in to see picture]
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    Thanks for the input guys, I really appreciate it.

    Yes he works a lot but he's also very fit and active. We take three or more holidays a year and even then there's hardly any sex. I'll hold my hands up and say there's a chance he's feeding off my vibe because obviously at this point I'm so turned off.

    Just to clarify, it's not that I want to change him, it's more just improve on who he is which is what we all strive for right?

    For context, when we met he was in a very different place, hadn't had a relationship for years and his business was just ticking along. Now his business is flourishing and he's in a totally different space. So with that being said, I'd naturally expect him to sharpen up and take more care of himself as he takes meeting with investors etc. If anything I just try to stress the importance of first impressions really. Or should I still not try to influence him?

    I totally appreciate that this comes across as a lost cause, but It's literally the only gripe I have with him.

    1518176107
    pazza [sign in to see picture]
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    Oh and two Valentine's days ago I bought him a men's grooming parlour voucher and last year I bought him a kit for at home, but he doesn't know how to do it himself and clearly has no desire to learn.

    Is this mean and selfish (and please tell me if it Is, I'm open to hearing it), but I have a very serious job, so when he meets me for lunch sometimes I'm embarrassed that colleagues will see me with someone so unkempt. Is that awful? Should I accept he's a scruff pot (albeit a gorgeous one) and move on? Or are my expectations of grown man not out of order?

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