• To seduce the cheater.

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    KittyPurry [sign in to see picture]
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    As someone who has been cheated on I sympathise with your situation. I know you want seduction advice but I think the only advice I can give here is about your general situation as I think trying to seduce him and make him squirm etc. will make things worse for both of you.

    I too think cheating is unacceptable but sometimes forgivable behaviour. My partner of many years now cheated on me a couple of years into the relationship and yes he fucked up but it was as much my fault as his, from the start of the relationship I was quite distant and I became anorexic and emotionally very isolated. He was very supportive and kind but I just wouldn't let him close and he strayed. I found out what was going on and packed my stuff and left. The separation was a wake up call to both of us...I sorted myself out and he ended the relationship with the other girl and worked REALLY hard to get me back. In return for his hard work I forgave him, no revenge, no grudge just complete forgiveness. For me it was that or nothing. Yes it hurt a lot and sometimes (on my un-confident days) still does a bit but I never resent him for what happened and I'm pretty sure I'm happier for it.

    My advice is to tell him what you know, tell him your leaving and give you both the chance to decide if you actually do want to be together. If after some time apart you do both want to stay together, I recommend couples counselling with Relate or similar, which if nothing else will show he's keen to make it work.

    You have my heartfelt sympathy Mistress Morticia and I hope things work out for you.

    xxKPxx

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    Puppies77 [sign in to see picture]
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    Sam66 wrote:

    Yes, Good luck indeed.

    You've got to talk. It'll be hard and awkward, but apart from anything else you need to know what his reasons were. My wife knows my reasons and TOGETHER we sorted them out. Or at least, are well on the way. But that can only be done by having a talk. It was horrid, but ultimately worthwhile.

    I was found out because my wife looked at my mobile phone (snooping as I called it at the time!) - and whilst it was horrid, I'm glad in hindsight she did as it stopped the affair going any further and me doing permanent damage to "us".

    Some good advice. I'm glad its working out for you Sam66

    It will be hard but keeping it to yaself long term will damage your self asteam.

    I wish you all the luck *hugs* and we are always here for a chat, advice or a good old moan :)

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    Mistress Morticia [sign in to see picture]
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    WandA wrote:

    Well then I'd suggest a talk. It might be arkward and difficult but if he appears to have gotten over his barriers maybe its time for you to get over yours and talk.

    Good luck.

    I know why you are saying this and in most circumstances I agree, but knowing him, this may well send him off into a depression.

    OK look to extend this further, he has lost his father grandfathers and various family members in the time we has been together. All were terribly painful for him and he is only just beginning to be more open about his feelings on these matters.

    Then around the time of the cheating - dated uploads tell all - his friend hanged himself. He felt terrible guilt because he didn't go to see him on the day he was going to.

    Because of my issues, I have not been an easy person to get on with in the past and thus I think he often didn't confide everything with we.

    I would have done the smashing up of the car and sending the photos to his mother at work and to his boss and stuff, but that was when I was insecure in myself. What is actually the point? It wont make him like me anymore. If someone did that to me I'd leave them pronto. And I actually don't want us to split.

    Oh maybe my typing isn't very clear or you think I'm a bit silly but I guess I see it as a little bit of a challange and to spill the beans will not actually help at this point - I just want to get my self confidence back. And the only way to do that is get him interested again.

    Sorry if I have in any way come across as immature.

    1266627757
    Puppies77 [sign in to see picture]
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    Not at all.

    Since using these forums my self confidence has rocketed. I don't feel differant for the things i like anymore and I've also learned a few things too. Best of all i have made some nice friends that always make me feel great, are funny (WandA) and just all nice to chat to.

    A few weeks on here and you can feel like a new woman :D

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    WandA [sign in to see picture]
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    Mistress Morticia wrote:

    WandA wrote:

    Well then I'd suggest a talk. It might be arkward and difficult but if he appears to have gotten over his barriers maybe its time for you to get over yours and talk.

    Good luck.

    I know why you are saying this and in most circumstances I agree, but knowing him, this may well send him off into a depression.

    OK look to extend this further, he has lost his father grandfathers and various family members in the time we has been together. All were terribly painful for him and he is only just beginning to be more open about his feelings on these matters.

    Then around the time of the cheating - dated uploads tell all - his friend hanged himself. He felt terrible guilt because he didn't go to see him on the day he was going to.

    Because of my issues, I have not been an easy person to get on with in the past and thus I think he often didn't confide everything with we.

    I would have done the smashing up of the car and sending the photos to his mother at work and to his boss and stuff, but that was when I was insecure in myself. What is actually the point? It wont make him like me anymore. If someone did that to me I'd leave them pronto. And I actually don't want us to split.

    Oh maybe my typing isn't very clear or you think I'm a bit silly but I guess I see it as a little bit of a challange and to spill the beans will not actually help at this point - I just want to get my self confidence back. And the only way to do that is get him interested again.

    Sorry if I have in any way come across as immature.

    Don't be sorry for anything! I've heard of some real batshit mentalists! What you want is rather tame! And you seem to have thought out the majority of your feelings. As I said before, anything I type is a suggestion, little more... only you can decide what you think is best.

    I think that bit in bold is important, if he does feel guilty he might need to talk for it to be 'ok'. Depending on his reasons if you tell him in a certain manner and make it clear you want to talk and resolve things it might just give him that jump start and reminder he needs that its for the best to talk and that you do care about him.

    I'm a confident person anyway, but for me certain elements of my confidence come only from my partner. Working on your confidence together might help. A women who wants to be desirable and make her man happy is very attractive and it might bring you and him a little bit closer together.

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    Mistress Morticia [sign in to see picture]
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    Thanks Puppies and thanks everyone.

    Look, I'm not ignoring you and to be honest it's not eating me up. I guess in a strange way I sort of understand because we had a very active and quite adventurous sex life before this.

    I'm going to go with holding off the confrontation for now and just see how things progress. When I feel more confident and I feel things are more stable, then I will talk, unless he confesses first.

    The pair of us have been through a lot during our relationship, maybe if with a bit of time he and I rekindle some of the initial spark, (regardless of the cheating, I have been struggling not to rip his clothes off when we see each other as it's come back for me), he might want to confess and if not that maybe the time to let him know.

    You know when you know everyone's advice is best but you also know that by confronting him you'll end up being blamed? Can't be bothered with that at the moment as I am still grieving for a close relative. Maybe that's why I come across as cool. Sorry.

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    WandA [sign in to see picture]
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    Everyone has their own way of dealing with things!

    I hope everything works!

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    Ilovemyman [sign in to see picture]
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    I don't think there is much more to add, you have been given good advice. i know that if my OH ever cheated on me i could never forgive him. I love him to bits but cheating is one thing i could never get over! /i hope you can talk and get through all of this x

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    Alicia D'amore [sign in to see picture]
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    It seems to me like you know what you want and what you feel (have you had a while too think about it all?) but you can never be sure about your partner without talking to him.

    Are you scared that if he thinks you snooped he'd leave you or just be hurt? If he would feel hurt, isn't that a good thing? He did something wrong and ought to regret it. If he knows what you feel then might it be easier for him to move past his guilt? Might it be easier for you to forgive him if you saw his remorse? I say - if he gave you reason to suspect an affair, you were not 100% wrong to snoop. Cheating is a worse offence.

    Do you worry that maybe he is too scared to hurt you and may never be able to move past it with it kept secret? He may be too scared too tell you, and you too worried to tell him and you're both keeping secrets unneccessarily.

    Trust cannot be rebuilt on lies and secrets but it can be rebuilt with time, hard work and honesty.

    It's down to you of course - and (luckily for me) I have little experience of cheating but I hope some of what I've said has made sense.

    *Hugs* brave lady

    Ax

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    Alicia D'amore [sign in to see picture]
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    Oops - sorry I was a bit late!

    Ignore me!

    Good luck with your plan

    Ax

    1266664101
    Mistress Morticia [sign in to see picture]
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    AdnaW wrote:

    Oops - sorry I was a bit late!

    Ignore me!

    Good luck with your plan

    Ax

    It's ok I know if it were a level playing field you are totally right, but knowing the ins and outs of everything and what I am dealing with over the death, I possibly also need a little time to be in the right frame of mind to "attack" this in the right way. Also knowing his character, screaming and shouting doesn't help, he goes inward, so picking the right time when I have word on my confidence is probably the crucial point between him getting so embarrassed he'll walk away or me so angry I end up smashing the car, et al.

    I also know when we have those unexplained days when we have a massive arguement and I feel upset that in fact I have no reason to get upset and it will relieve stress from me thus I want get so angry, hence what Sam66 said about showing love instead of hatred will be easier to achieve.

    I guess to cut a long story short me knowing has almost taken a huge burden off of my shoulders - maybe that sounds daft but there you go.

    You have all been so nice since I have only just joined the forums, thank you and I do intend staying around :)

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    Mistress Morticia [sign in to see picture]
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    Avrielle_Aniko wrote:

    Ok. I'm really concerned about this situation.

    "Once a cheat, always a cheat" is a very harsh way of looking at it. My OH had a terrible lapse when we were dating cuz he got plastered dissapeared to another town, shagged some girl (Although he never admitted it, I could tell right away) and woke up the next morning with his phone and wallet stolen by her. Of course he has never done it again, and he didn't realise what the big deal was till he saw the look on my face when we met back up after his absence. He didn't know that we were having a serious relationship, and had no idea I was falling in love with him. But when I sat down and talked with him I saw his feelings suddenly catch up with him and it was there he realised that he was actually falling in love with me too. Heh.

    Anyway, thats another story.

    But the Once a cheat, always a cheat phrase is one I really dont like. I'm not saying that your OH is never going to cheat on you again, and I'm not defending him, but quite a lot of the time people do make pure mistakes.

    What worries me is that you refer to you OH as "the cheater". Now this happened 2 and a half years ago, and I have no idea if you said you had forgiven him or not. If you have told him that you forgive him, that doesn't mean you can go round reffering him as the cheater, espesh towards him. If you haven't said that you forgive him, then I'm very unsure why you have spent the last 2 and a half years with this man.

    The fact that you want to show him who's boss, and teach him a lesson after this amount of time, is another thing that raises alarm bells. To me, from what you have said, is you don't trust him at all. You are balanced on a knife edge between wanting him to be seduced by you so you can prove to yourself that you are sexy for your man and that he wont stray away, but on the otherside you have a deep dark pit of ugly spite and revenge. Combining the two will make things worse and he will see it straight away if you are doing it for spite and revenge.

    My advice is if you still dont trust him after this amount of time, then the relationship is simply not worth having. You could hold off the arguments and break-ups til you are more stable, but don't fall into the pit of spite and revenge during that time.

    If I have got the wrong end of the stick, and you do trust him and you are sure there is no dark place inside you that still fizzles over what he did to you, then I see no problem with getting some sexy lingerie and trying to increase his libido and showering kisses over him then seeing how he reacts.

    sorry if my posts sounds quite harsh, but when I read your post I was quite concerned that you want to seduce him for all the wrong reasons.

    It's ok lovely lady. I only found out this week not 2 and a half years ago.

    I agree not everyone who cheats continues to do so. He did cheat but I have not saying he is still cheating. That will only come to the fore with time. The trust needs to be earned and why I don't want the big arguement is because I don't want to get spiteful and revengeful. I want to work at this and see if he can come clean. I have some times, it's not got to happen within a few weeks, but I would like to get a little more attention from him and it's hard to work with someone who says they don't look at you in that way anymore.

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    mbtoo [sign in to see picture]
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    It sounds like an awful situation for you MM. No advice from me,think you've got enough good advice already. I really hope everything works out the way you want it to. x *hug*

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    Mistress Morticia [sign in to see picture]
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    Erm as far as it goes sometimes he is passive and sometimes he is passive aggressive.

    As far as the not looking at me in that way goes - I understand it - you can't see me I can - I have truely let myself go and that is not good for my esteem and not good for a relationship. And of course he is trying to justify it so what he has done is easier to deal with. But as I said in a previous post, if I am that much of a turn off and he really can't abide to be with me, why has he not left me? We are not married, have no kids, there is no ties. It's also not like he's getting his cake and eating it both ways.

    You mention why are the pictures still there, well I know he's got an awful memory and it would be completely within character for him to have totally forgotten about them or forgotten his password or something.

    Meh, maybe I shouldn't have posted as I think people are confused by my reasoning for not talking about it with him. Since mum became ill with dementia he and I have had a very unusual and not normal relationship. I have to book mum into a nursing home so I can go to gigs and stuff. We can't be spontanious and so many times when I have been going over to see him, I've been exhausted or sick or something and eother don't go or wouldn't be up for anything more than nodding off in front of a film.

    Trust my judgement on this when I say I can sort of understand even though I don't like it. Carers often end up divorcing or losing partners because the partners end up being pushed to the back of the pile time and time again and even the most patient person would have their patience sorely tried.

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    MzBee [sign in to see picture]
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    I've been where you are - I think.

    Anyway, I wanted to do what you did. Seduce him.

    I was 7 months pregnant though and it's hard when you think you're competing with a stick insect.

    But confidence was the key. I knew she was a fuck and nothing else, I knew I had more to offer so to speak. So tears when he wasn't around and big brash confidence when he was. I remember us walking through a park, it was freezing cold and we were just going through the motions of a relationship. And I started just talking softly about how and where I'd have him if it were a) warmer and b) I wasn't as big as a whale. I spoke very dirty for about half of that walk. I'm not saying that's the only thing I did, but that was the start of it. I fought for him and was very open about the fact that I aimed to win. I did marathon sex sessions - easy when you've that about of hormones travelling around your body. And when I had that baby - I made sure I was exactly how I had been before, I kept up with the seducing, the teasing, the being in control of my body, his body and so on.

    I have to also say I made sure the bitch in question KNEW that I knew but I never mentioned it to anyone (him or her).

    Things didn't last between us, but I gave it my best shot and felt damn good about the shot I gave it. We didn't end because of his screwing around, I forgave him for that, I understood why he did it.

    There is nothing so sexy as someone who is confident and believes in her or himself. Trust that you are the sexiest thing in his life, that you are the most gorgeous you can be. And if you can do this for yourself then seducing him will end up being second nature.

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    MzBee [sign in to see picture]
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    I've been where you are - I think.

    Anyway, I wanted to do what you did. Seduce him.

    I was 7 months pregnant though and it's hard when you think you're competing with a stick insect.

    But confidence was the key. I knew she was a fuck and nothing else, I knew I had more to offer so to speak. So tears when he wasn't around and big brash confidence when he was. I remember us walking through a park, it was freezing cold and we were just going through the motions of a relationship. And I started just talking softly about how and where I'd have him if it were a) warmer and b) I wasn't as big as a whale. I spoke very dirty for about half of that walk. I'm not saying that's the only thing I did, but that was the start of it. I fought for him and was very open about the fact that I aimed to win. I did marathon sex sessions - easy when you've that about of hormones travelling around your body. And when I had that baby - I made sure I was exactly how I had been before, I kept up with the seducing, the teasing, the being in control of my body, his body and so on.

    I have to also say I made sure the bitch in question KNEW that I knew but I never mentioned it to anyone (him or her).

    Things didn't last between us, but I gave it my best shot and felt damn good about the shot I gave it. We didn't end because of his screwing around, I forgave him for that, I understood why he did it.

    There is nothing so sexy as someone who is confident and believes in her or himself. Trust that you are the sexiest thing in his life, that you are the most gorgeous you can be. And if you can do this for yourself then seducing him will end up being second nature.

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    MzBee [sign in to see picture]
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    Not sure how I double posted or even if my post made any sense. Sorry for both! lol

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    diamonds [sign in to see picture]
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    lots of brillant advice in here, though if it was me the last thing i would want to do is seduce him.

    but were all differant, and i wish you luck with what ever you choice to do and that it turns out and ends they way you want it to go.

    as for seducing him, why not do all these things for you instead? as has been said before theres nothing more sexy then a women who knows and feels she looks good! and you truly wont feel sexy and stunning if you do it just for him, that type of thing only comes with in.

    Dxx


    1267007067
    Sam66 [sign in to see picture]
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    Puppies77 wrote:

    Sam66 wrote:

    Yes, Good luck indeed.

    You've got to talk. It'll be hard and awkward, but apart from anything else you need to know what his reasons were. My wife knows my reasons and TOGETHER we sorted them out. Or at least, are well on the way. But that can only be done by having a talk. It was horrid, but ultimately worthwhile.

    I was found out because my wife looked at my mobile phone (snooping as I called it at the time!) - and whilst it was horrid, I'm glad in hindsight she did as it stopped the affair going any further and me doing permanent damage to "us".

    Some good advice. I'm glad its working out for you Sam66

    It will be hard but keeping it to yaself long term will damage your self asteam.

    I wish you all the luck *hugs* and we are always here for a chat, advice or a good old moan :)

    Not sure how I missed this!

    Thank you. It is hard - I genuinely feel in love with the wrong woman, and she with me. Neither of of were looking for it to happen. It was one of those things that seemed almost unstoppable once it started. It's very difficult to explain.

    I miss her every day (she left to live in London - a couple of hundred miles away) and whilst a big part of me would love to go and see her, the more ... sensible part of me, tells me to stay here because it was a sort of 'fatal attraction' for us - virtually irresistible.

    But we ended as friends - very good friends, and I'm more grateful for that than I can say.

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    Sam66 [sign in to see picture]
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    I should say that my marriage is now well on the way to recovery - not quite there, but nearly. I love my wife and feel deply ashamed that I hurt her so badly.

    It also meant that I can no longer see this woman, who was a great friend before, openly and without fear of repeat performances.

    A screw up all round ...

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