FREE delivery when you spend £40 (or more!)
  1. Is it cheating?

    Andyxx [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Officer Cadet
    • Posts: 5
    • Joined: 8 Jun 2015

    Me and my partner are at completely opposite ends of the scale when it come to sex drive, to the point that she never wants sex but occasionally does for me and i am always thinking about it and nagging her. I do use toys to masterbate but sometimes need that interaction for better pleasure.
    Is it wrong/cheating to use a forum or dating app to talk to like minded people and be honest about why im there? I would never do anything physical but i like the idea of naughty chats.

    Lovehoney - Leanne [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 2636
    • Joined: 9 Oct 2014

    It depends, would your partner know and agree to this type of interaction with other people?

    Michael777 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant Colonel
    • Posts: 268
    • Joined: 1 Oct 2017

    I'm sure you will get lots of different interpretations of what you say on here, but personally I don't call that cheating. If there's nothing actually physical going on then what's the harm in a bit of naughty banter?
    However it's not going to solve the issue with your OH, so maybe you need to find out what the issues are there too.

    Lovebirds_x [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 1988
    • Joined: 24 Oct 2012

    Lovehoney - Leanne wrote:

    It depends, would your partner know and agree to this type of interaction with other people?

    Big +1. How do you think she would react if you were to suggest this to her as something to help you when she isn't in the mood? She could well find it harmless. If you'd be wary of asking her for fear of a bad reaction then it's very likely she'd class it as cheating and our opinions are irrelevant. I definitely wouldn't do it without her knowledge based on other people's definitions of cheating/what is and isn't okay in a relationship. Is she aware how much of a problem this is for you?

    Laveila [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 2199
    • Joined: 8 Nov 2010

    For me, I admit it would be bit of a problem and I am not sure how I would handle it. Porn or sexy book = no problem, I would do that too. Chatting with someone would be harder to swallow and I may just keep wondering if he is going too far and actually met that person, or care for her etc.

    However your partner may feel different than I do, so its best to discuss it with her. Some people may not mind. After all, some people have fully open relationship.

    mysteron [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 7305
    • Joined: 7 Jan 2014

    Hi Andy

    I started a similar thread on defining what was cheating.

    In summary we defined it between us as an activity behind your partners back , normally sexual but can include socialising or flirting with another person that would deem to upset or threaten your existing partner if he/she knew about it .This can include social media etc as well .

    What can be defined as cheating for one couple maybe different to another. An extreme example here is a couple who are into swinging. Obviously sexual ineraction with a third party here would be allowed. For most couples this would be a big no no .

    I have an unusual situation whereby there are different boundaries beween certain individuals. This lady who befriended my partner who does like me but respects us as a couple will kiss me on my abs. This is because she works out as well . If this happened with any other women my Mrs would go bananas for sure .She will do this in view of my Mrs so she knows and I know she is comfortable with it .

    In the example you have stated . My Mrs would not be comfortable if I initiated sexy flirting chat with another person. However If I was on the receiving end of it, then she would expect me to be polite but try and kill the conversation as soon as I can without hurting this other person ie putting them down gently .

    In short you would need to define the boundaries of cheating with your partner in not a dissimilar way yoiu would define your sexual boundaries .

    My specific advise woulfd be not to try anything like that behind your partners back. If you did you will get found out eventually, and this could destroy your existing relationship. So its good to talk with your partner first. However be prepared for your partner to ask why?

    K&c30's [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Brigadier
    • Posts: 267
    • Joined: 15 Dec 2017

    There is only one question you need to ask yourself and thats what would you think if you caught your partner doing the same? For me i think it would be seen as cheating.

    RosyCheek [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 2794
    • Joined: 11 Apr 2016

    If you have to ask if it is cheating then you must know deep down it isn't the right thing to do. It may not seem like cheating as you aren't physically doing anything but there is another person on the other side of the chat. It may not seem real but it is. Online chat nearly destroyed my marriage.

    Andyxx [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Officer Cadet
    • Posts: 5
    • Joined: 8 Jun 2015

    Good advice, thank you everyone and yes deep down i guess i know its wrong or I wouldn't be asking. I have discussed things with my partner and shes happy for me to watch porn and use toys and even lays with me while i do. It maybe a case of investing in new toys or even a doll haha.
    Thanks again.
    PS any recomendations on good toys.

    Terri JJ [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 13140
    • Joined: 20 Aug 2014

    I think watching porn and using toys is fine...... I'd be ok with that. However, actually messaging a person directly and having fun would be a definite no. I define cheating as anything you would not share with your partner xx

    LIL_KNOWN69 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 1313
    • Joined: 9 Oct 2005

    If your hiding messages and being sly then chances are it’s classed as cheating unless you have certain rules set in a relationship, such as an open relationship etc. It’s fine to say “but I wouldn’t get physical” with someone but in reality I feel most people say this to feel better about what they are doing.
    Personally I wouldn’t have any interaction with someone in a flirting or sexual sense without my partner being involved.

    erratic [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant
    • Posts: 3
    • Joined: 17 Jan 2018

    Probably a similar situation here! :,(

    For us, chatting, commiserating and a bit of light flirting on open forums such as /r/deadbedrooms and even IRL is fine.

    Sexting/dirty messages or using a dating/swinging/hook-up site/app is not ok.

    As always, if unsure, discuss intentions and limits with your partner!

    Delboy1991 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 1817
    • Joined: 30 Jan 2013

    If your already doubting yourself then I would say you ready have your answer. We are all here to give advice but really no one on here knows how your partner is going to react or how she would feel. She maybe ok with it , maybe not.

    I would be deverstaed if I found out my partner was 1 feeling that he needed to do this and a massive 2 this he hasn't spoken to me about it.

    Boaso [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant
    • Posts: 37
    • Joined: 29 Aug 2016

    Lehmiller (if I remember rightly) wrote an article that it cannot be assumed that people won't cheat, as there is no agreement on a universal standard for what constitutes cheating - it has to be negotiated and defined between the individuals in the relationship. What one may believe constitutes something small, or something allowed because of their own expectations may be devastating to the other, and vice-versa.
    Really, relationships should begin with understanding where the line is drawn for each to reach a compromise.

    LittleMugs [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: General
    • Posts: 1530
    • Joined: 23 Nov 2017

    If I found out my OH was doing this behind my back I'd be really hurt and struggle to trust he wasn't keeping other things from me.

    I wouldn't consider this cheating, but I would consider it breaking trust.

    Talk to her, Mr Mugs and I went through a "dry" phase a while back and we both got Tinder to flirt with other people, we drew up our own guidelines to what we'd be comfortable with, but would often look through together and share chats - it did wonders. It was all open and honest, nothing was ever actually going to happen so there was no danger or jealousy,

    We don't do that anymore but we know it's always an option if there's a sexual disconnect - which I believe happens in every relationship. Can't be all good all the time in every department :P

    If you're happy with her, don't do something you know would hurt her but do talk to her and try and find something that would help :)

    Kimberleyking [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 566
    • Joined: 19 Jul 2013

    I think the issue here is not whether or not you would like to /are cheating. The issue is your partner may be going through their own issues, there are many reasons to not want sex maybe its becuase of a medical condidtion (alot have an effect on sex drive and vaginal dryness), it could be birth control altering their emotions. Maybe they just don't feel like it? that's ok ! They shouldn't feel like they have to have sex with you because you're "Nagging".

    It may also be that they just don't feel like your paying much attention to their needs maybe spice things up ask what they like sex can be a selfish act when the person isn't in the right frame of mind.

    Also just because they are not up to it does not give you the right to nag and pester them that's harrassment. And the fact you want to seek another person to flirt with instead of having a simple conversation with your partner may really upset them. I know i'd be pretty annoyed.

    I have a monogomous relationship and have recently been sex free for weeks on end due to medical reasons, had my partner seeked another person to have intimacies with when i couldn't even if i wanted to would've really been a huge No No for me. That goes for messeges, pictures, actual physical contact and any other sexual act in between. but this has already been spoken about between us we know our relationship's boundaries.

    Some people live a poly life and that is spoken about at the beginning of a relationship (typically) where both parties agree to see others it seems you haven't spoken about this with your partner?

    Please SPEAK TO THEM!

    C.A [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Major
    • Posts: 89
    • Joined: 17 Oct 2016

    In my opinion if you are sexting other people without her knowlage and conesnt then that would be cheating.
    You are in a commited relationship and this should be spoken about between the both of you and both parties need to agree that something is ok or not.

    I understand you may think that flirting online etc is ok because it's not physical but your OH may see it completely different.

    I was speaking to an old school friend recently and he tried flirting with me despite knowing i am in a relationship and i told him i wasn't comfortable with that kind of conversation, he did not understand my point of view and keep claiming it was 'harmless' My OH would have completely disagreed (as do i) If my OH saw that i was flirting with someone it may well be the end of our relationship.

    Talk to her about how you are feeling and your thoughts, communication is key even though i may be difficult to do so. Also listen to what she has to say and her thoughts and feelings and try to understand her point of view.

    Eager-2-Please [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Major
    • Posts: 239
    • Joined: 3 Jul 2014

    The answer here, as with any other "is this cheating?" type question/situation, is surprisingly simple.

    Anything done behind your partner's back is cheating. If it's something you have to do in secret and hide from them it's because it would hurt their feelings and is against their consent.

    Anything they know about and have consented to is not cheating.

    The specific action(s) and individual person(s) are irrelevant to these parameters.

    Post a reply to this thread

    Please sign in to post messages to the forum.