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  1. Definition of Cheating ?

    1516148373
    Volbabe88 [sign in to see picture]
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    I'm not against myself and my husband having sex with other people. But this would be in controlled circumstances.
    To me cheating is anything behind my back he wouldn't tell me about sexually!! We are both terrible flirts. And I flirt with men all the time. But we don't class that as cheating...

    1516199719
    sd63 [sign in to see picture]
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    I use this as my standard, If I'm engaged in a conversation or activity with a member of the opposite sex and I wouldn't be happy if my OH was stood there istening or watching, then I shouldn't be doing what I'm doing.

    1516201525

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    I think what comes accross here is that Cheating isnt always Black and White. What is cheating to some isnt to others. For example having sex with another person. In this case this wouldn't be acceptable in my own relationship. However If someone else and and their partner were swiingers or had an open relationship then this would be acceptable .

    Perhaps there is a need of some guidlines and even boundaries set up between 2 individuals within a relationship at some stage to ascertain as to what is acceptable. Whilst in my own relationship we dont have these as such , I do kind of know what would upset her and therefore know the boundaries .

    1516201795
    sd63 [sign in to see picture]
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    mysteron wrote:

    I think what comes accross here is that Cheating isnt always Black and White. What is cheating to some isnt to others. For example having sex with another person. In this case this wouldn't be acceptable in my own relationship. However If someone else and and their partner were swiingers or had an open relationship then this would be acceptable .

    Perhaps there is a need of some guidlines and even boundaries set up between 2 individuals within a relationship at some stage to ascertain as to what is acceptable. Whilst in my own relationship we dont have these as such , I do kind of know what would upset her and therefore know the boundaries .

    That's basically how any realtionship should work, if you are open and honest with your partner and take the time to know them and listen to them, it doesnt take long to establish the acceptable boundaries. It's not all that simple though, how many relationships have been damaged or destroyed by one partner getting caught up in somehting that started off innocently but over time slipped into cheating, when the straying partner would never have set out to cheat?

    1516202246
    Michael777 [sign in to see picture]
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    I think cheating depends on your partner too. I have been with my current OH for nine years and have never even kissed another woman.
    My previous partner was a drunken bully and was a totally obnoxious cow who eventually got arrested for domestic abuse when our own daughter rang the police as she thought my OH was going to kill me. I never hit back but got my revenge by cheating behind her back. I slept with scores of women and every time I felt it was totally justified. It was also very enjoyable and gave me at least some sense of justice was being served.

    1516203899

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    sd63 wrote:

    mysteron wrote:

    I think what comes accross here is that Cheating isnt always Black and White. What is cheating to some isnt to others. For example having sex with another person. In this case this wouldn't be acceptable in my own relationship. However If someone else and and their partner were swiingers or had an open relationship then this would be acceptable .

    Perhaps there is a need of some guidlines and even boundaries set up between 2 individuals within a relationship at some stage to ascertain as to what is acceptable. Whilst in my own relationship we dont have these as such , I do kind of know what would upset her and therefore know the boundaries .

    That's basically how any realtionship should work, if you are open and honest with your partner and take the time to know them and listen to them, it doesnt take long to establish the acceptable boundaries. It's not all that simple though, how many relationships have been damaged or destroyed by one partner getting caught up in somehting that started off innocently but over time slipped into cheating, when the straying partner would never have set out to cheat?

    I agree . I think those "accidental " or "non -intentional" cheats are often given a second chance. Its sometime quite easy for a domino effect to start. It often starts with just a casual friendly chat in a pub/club with a non partner that breaks the ice . Then you could possibley bump into that person again , say a week later and that chat then develops into a little flirting with alcohol fueling the situation.Then before you know it you get more intimate with this other person and then it develops. This is one reason why I am careful about drinking alcohol as inhibitions can go out of the window.

    Then there are those people that go out with the intention to cheat. I can however , understand Micheal's reasoning in the above post . But there has been specialist websites set up for like minded cheats to form affairs , in a not to dissimilar to a dating site. I have a half brother who used to be a cheat . He always ended up in bed with one of this firms other employees and used to brag about it to me . Of course his Mrs didnt know about it at the time. In the time I have had one current partner he has had 3 partners and married twice.

    IMO if you cheat intentionally then there could be something wrong with the existing relationship.So perhaps this needs to be looked at first and sorted if the desire to cheat is strong.

    Its been very interesting reading everyones veiws on this.So thanks and keep them coming.

    1516282706
    sd63 [sign in to see picture]
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    I think there are a few reasons why people cheat in a relationship:

    THere is a problem in the relationship that one, or both are aware of, but not dealing with, the 'Other person' meets some needs not being met in the relationship

    One person in the relationship is a serial cheater, this says more about the personality of the cheater than the problems in the relationship. Doesn't matter how good the relationship is, there is a defect in that person's personality that means they need validation from others, or they're just a c**t!

    Then there is the 'accidental' one...relationship is fine, but the cheater works with or spendstime with a person who, in the context of what they're doing, makes the other person feel good about themselves, as time progresses, the cheater associates the other person with those good feelings and it almost becomes an infatuation, they may not actually 'fancy' that person, but whenever they are around, the cheater feels good, time passes and things progress, the cheater starts to open windows to the other person, whilst simultaneously building walls with their OH to 'keep them out'...once walls are built and a way is opened up to another then cheating is pretty much inevitable. This is why a lot of people cheat with their personal trainer, tennis coach, or someone they've been involved with in a large project at work. They don't see the warning signs, because the person is 'just a friend'...if you ever hear your OH say 'they're just a friend'..you have good reason the be very suspicious

    1516946132
    SmokingHotLove [sign in to see picture]
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    If you have to hide it or lie about it then you’re def cheating in my opinion!
    If you wouldn’t like your OH doing it to you, then YOU shouldn’t be doing it either 🤔

    1516987879
    Peakcouple [sign in to see picture]
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    We think it's natural to want to have sex with others, just sticking to one partner throughout a long marriage hasn't been possible for either of us. We know many of our friends have felt the same about their relationships.

    When he was married before, he and his ex both had the odd non-serious affair or casual sex but it was something neither spoke about. Neither wanted to admit it had happened or discuss the details. That was cheating but mutualy accepted or ignored. If either had told the details of any extramarital sex it would have caused upset and problems. Maybe hypocritical but it worked for well over 20 years.

    When she was married before, her ex was happy for her to have other partners as long as she didn't bring them home. He didn't want to know the details. She did have a couple of semi-serious relationships as well as casual sex. Although that was 'open cheating' if she'd descibed the details it would have produced a reaction. Her marriage lasted over 20 years too.

    Having told about our pasts, we acknowleded that 'being faithful' wasn't likely to be an option for either, so decided to openly acknowledge our needs for extramairtal sex and start swinging almost at the start of our relationship. On a very few occasions when we'rve not been together we've both had unplanned casual sex. We agreed early on that we would tell the other about it when we were back together. Neither of us consider that cheating, or swinging to be cheating, because we're totally open about it. This has worked very well for us.

    Suspicion and distrust lead to severe problems, better to acknowledge monogomy isn't natural for many people and they need variety. Unfortunately society and religuion condemn this, but that hasn't always been the case during human history.

    1516998990
    alexispearl [sign in to see picture]
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    Our definition of cheating is basically doing something you wouldn’t want your OH doing or doing something you know would upset, anger and betray the other
    Eg flirt texting is cheating to us even engaging in any suggestive conversation flirty banter or not is unacceptable in our relationship.

    1517004857
    VR [sign in to see picture]
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    Leanne hit the nail on the head - you need to talk to each other so your own boundaries are clear.

    OH and I both had that conversation, too.

    I was hurt badly by my ex and had become mistrustful of all men. Having conversations about feelings and what's acceptable to each other has been a foundation for us.

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