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  1. Confidence and Overcoming Nerves

    1513891615
    HelloAll [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Major
    • Posts: 9
    • Joined: 6 Nov 2017

    Hi,

    Does anyone have any tips for confidence during sex/intimacy? My first sexual experience was a negative one as I was assaulted. Now, I have little confidence and get anxious with certain sexual acts. My partner is really understanding as we’ve discussed my past and hold a “no expectations” approach to sex. E.g, consent for oral does not mean sex is inevitable, and things can be stopped whenever. This applies for both of us.

    Basically, I want to be confident in all aspects of my life including sexually!

    thanks in advance xx

    1513899011
    Mr Pheebs [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 3072
    • Joined: 12 Jun 2016

    Confidence comes with trust and experience. If you were sexually assaulted (Im guessing by a man?) It would be totally normal to have difficulties being intimate with a man.

    Its difficult to know what to say here becase you havent explained the acts you are having difficulties with and thats a whole new can of worms but I would say think of the least frightening thing you find mildly uncomfortable and start there, maybe post each act you need help with on the forums and we can support you further. Start slowly and gradually. Communicate often with your partner.

    Think outside the box e.g can you tease each other so you are touching yourselves but only your eyes are touching each other to start off with?

    Also, maybe get counselling and sex therapy if its available. If your partner is unwilling then go on your own.

    Really important to remember though, be as sexual as you like but don't do it because you think you should but rather than because you want to, it would be terrible to go to fast and alienate yourself and your partner from your sexuality. Remember that being assaulted was not your fault and you have nothing to prove that youre not comfortable with..

    Be kind and open and honest with yourself and partner, hes probably finding the thought of frightening you difficult aswell its something you will need to work through together to make sure you both come out of this as uninhibited and free as possible.

    I wish you both luck in this X.

    1513902928
    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 2035
    • Joined: 27 Feb 2010

    The one thing I can tell you from my experience is that the only person who can change things for you, is "you". What ever was done to you has caused you to create mental blocks; your mind has put them there to protect you. In your case, from what you have said these blocks are very specific; as you speak of anxiety with regard to certain sexual acts.

    These are acting as triggers to past events; as you would seem to be able to tollerate some physical contact, you are getting there, to some degree. It took me 30 years to be able to let someone even touch me; only to find out that it wasn't a problem. As it turned out it was me touching someone back that I couldn't do.

    It made me feel like I was going to vomit and my legs folded under me the first time I tried; but I made myself keep doing it until I got past that hurdle. I started fully clothed, and it was many weeks before I could do that without shaking like a leaf; and moved on from there. The point I'm trying to make is that you can build things up in your mind until simple things appear as if you are faced with climing Everest.

    If you have a partner you trust, you have what you need to work on your problem; but I do think you should speak to your Doctor about speaking to a profesional about this. But thats down to how you feel, and it's not a sure fix to things. As I said in the end it's you that has to, what amounts to reprograming your mind.

    Once the mind has set up these " safety protocols" for want of a better phrase, it will not give them up easily; and sometimes you will think it has and you are ok at last and it will slam them back in place. What you have to do is prove to your subconcious that you are no long in that dangerous situation, and that it's safe, and in fact good to do things that you find difficult.

    This means bitting the bullet one little nibble at a time, over and over, in a situation where what your subconcious is trying to stop being hurt in occurs without the feared consiquences. kind of like when you learn that fire burns; only this fire only burns when it's in the hands of the bad person. And is infact the exact opposite when in the hands of a good person; so you have to teach your mind that this person has good fire. If that makes any sense to you.

    Work out just what it is that triggers you, and get your partner to work with you to try and build up slowly to what you want to do. As you don't say just what your triggers are I can't be specific, but that's ok you can work from what I have said. The thing is to keep trying, keep trying to push a little further each time you try, don't get disheartened by seeming lack of progress, break it down into small steps, and don't try to rush it.

    I took the easy route of not trying at all, I wouldn't find a partner, avoided all social contact; the result is that I have spent the last 30 plus years of my life pretty much alone. As I have no one to work things though now with I'm kind of stuck in limbo; I know what I need to do, but still have yet to finnish taking back my life, and have love, and a sex life.

    I wish you luck, and you can do this if you can find the will and the strength to take back your life, but only you can do this, others can provide the means, but you have to put in the effort. I know it's kind of s**t that you are having to have to do this, when it's not your fault ( and it is most deffinately not your fault) but life deals us some crappy cards from time to time. It's not what crap you have stood in that matters, it's that you step out of it wash it off your shoes and carry on that really matters.

    1514242242
    нинаnin [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: General
    • Posts: 384
    • Joined: 1 Dec 2016

    There are a couple of threads you may find interesting. For me, researching helps. I read blogs and accounts about dealing with trauma - I try new methods, some work and some don't.

    https://www.lovehoney.co.uk/community/forums/sex-tips-and-talk/1648114-how-to-talk-about-sex/

    https://www.lovehoney.co.uk/community/forums/sex-tips-and-talk/1551125-confidence-issues/

    1514245888
    Laveila [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 2214
    • Joined: 8 Nov 2010

    Hello,

    I missed your post, since it was before I came back to LH after health issues. I have friend who was in the same position - her only sex experience was rape.

    I am not saying it was easy, but was like 8 years ago, she is married and has two kids. From what I heard, it took her long time to get over it and the things she did to overcome it was the following:

    1. She saw a professional psychologist for several years and discussed everything with her. This helped her sort some confidence issues and also the comments she received from people round her.

    2. It took her long time to really trust men and she did spend few years alone. Do not push yourself if you are not ready for it, or do not cross over certain line - like coffee is ok, but even getting bit intimate is not something you are ready for.

    3. With her husband, she really felt she could trust him and was open with him and told him what happened to her. He was very understanding and took things slowly and only over time they progressed their sexual life. It took them long time to get to full sex, but since they have kids now,and based on the talks we have, they managed it.

    But you really need patient partner, someone you can trust and who can wait to be able to overcome something like that. with the wrong partner, there is no chance to do it. My friend met a guy who tried to push her and I was glad she broke up with him and found a better one.

    I wish you all the best, since I know its very hard. Also having good friends, who can offer shoulders help a lot and I encourage that you use their support

    I hope you can make it, although the journey may be long

    1515798755
    Knight1119 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Major
    • Posts: 140
    • Joined: 22 Sep 2014

    Hi HelloAll,

    So sorry to hear about your first experience.
    I’m never sure what to say, I just hope things get easier for you.

    1515801380
    Butterbreast [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Major
    • Posts: 12
    • Joined: 19 Oct 2017

    Whatever happened in your past you need to forget about as we only have one crack at life, a wise old man told me one day, “enjoy your life son as you are a long time dead”. If we dwell on the past our future will pass us by, and by sounds of things you have an extremely understanding guy at your side that respects you and cares about you. They say the best things in life are free and they are definitely free, trust me. You need to let go of your past and focus on your time with you new OH, make sure you encourage each other through your bad times to allow you to enjoy more happy times and eventually that confidence will come flooding back.
    Good luck in the future and I hope your confidence with your new partner comes back.

    Best wishes Butterbreast4 xxxx

    1515802679
    me me me me [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Brigadier
    • Posts: 145
    • Joined: 10 Mar 2017

    Hi HelloAll

    I've never said this out side 4 walls but i also at times find this a difficult thing even after being with my OH for over 8 yrs it does get easier if you are fully open to yourself and other half he for me is the main person i can trust and has been there for me since day one credit to you for saying something i know it's hard to even do that very few know what happened to me and i kept it locked up for many years but if your OH is understanding and supportive of you he/she will take it easy and be supportive i never got help for what i went through but found other ways such as antidepressants not that's i'm saying you need them but it helped me until i was ready don't blame yourself i know easier said than done i still now have flash backs but for me I've noticed it tends to happen when i have been in a traumatic event bring which is unavoidable which then i take a step back and speak with my OH he's a good listener and doesn't put pressure on me if i'm not ready i also find it hard even being round other men such as his friends even though there all lovely guys something just clicked and i snapped and had to leave but then my other half politely explained to them what id been through now we all get on like a house on fire i am now married and have 3 beautiful kids it does still affect me but you learn to deal with it myself i don't think i will ever get over the things I've been through but I've learnt to live with it some days are worse than others but i do have good days and lots of them my other half in ways saved me if it wasn't for meeting him 8 years ago i wouldn't be here now i really hope you find your own way of dealing with this totally agree with the comments above but only if and when you feel you are ready i had counselling myself but it didn't really work for me but there are many ways to go about it you'll know when your ready

    1515804680
    me me me me [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Brigadier
    • Posts: 145
    • Joined: 10 Mar 2017

    me me me me wrote:

    Hi HelloAll

    I've never said this out side 4 walls but i also at times find this a difficult thing even after being with my OH for over 8 yrs it does get easier if you are fully open to yourself and other half he for me is the main person i can trust and has been there for me since day one credit to you for saying something i know it's hard to even do that very few know what happened to me and i kept it locked up for many years but if your OH is understanding and supportive of you he/she will take it easy and be supportive i never got help for what i went through but found other ways such as antidepressants not that's i'm saying you need them but it helped me until i was ready don't blame yourself i know easier said than done i still now have flash backs but for me I've noticed it tends to happen when i have been in a traumatic event bring which is unavoidable which then i take a step back and speak with my OH he's a good listener and doesn't put pressure on me if i'm not ready i also find it hard even being round other men such as his friends even though there all lovely guys something just clicked and i snapped and had to leave but then my other half politely explained to them what id been through now we all get on like a house on fire i am now married and have 3 beautiful kids it does still affect me but you learn to deal with it myself i don't think i will ever get over the things I've been through but I've learnt to live with it some days are worse than others but i do have good days and lots of them my other half in ways saved me if it wasn't for meeting him 8 years ago i wouldn't be here now i really hope you find your own way of dealing with this totally agree with the comments above but only if and when you feel you are ready i had counselling myself but it didn't really work for me but there are many ways to go about it you'll know when your ready

    i was only a **EDITED** when i went though what happened to me and spent almost half my life locking it away didn't even know at first i was blocking it all out to forget i have only in the last few years begun to deal with it starting with myself finding who i am and starting to love myself more and more as each day passes believe it or not now i acually have an extreamly high sex drive you can overcome it but it takes time and don't worrie if you fall back on yourself just take one step at a time

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