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  1. Lifes frustrations...

    LifePlay [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant
    • Posts: 16
    • Joined: 22 Jan 2012

    We all have our problems in life but I'm having some troubles with my partner currently. I love her to bits and I know she loves me but we're having a lot of problems in finding time to be intimate.

    We had a daughter just less than two years ago and she's proven to be difficult as most kids are. Still to the point where she's getting up a couple of times a night at least. We've also had a very difficult year in that we've had a major loss in my own family and also my partners mum has had a serious stroke.

    It's all boiled down to us finding ourselves being intimate only once a month or something now, which isn't usual for a couple 30 years of age.

    I've got quite a high sex drive and was getting to the point where I was wanting to experiment more in the bedroom but at the moment I'm taking anything I can get. I've often resorted to porn and masterbaiting also which isn't helping the situation. When we do find time I try my hardest to pleasure her properly before I think about myself but I often then only last minutes as I'm like a dog on heat.

    It sounds selfish of me I know and I need to be patient before things get back to any sort of normality but I need help and advice on things I can do to help her get herself back into a being a happy and contented person and then I believe the more intimate side of things will progress from there onwards.

    Anyone any advice?

    StayStrongLoveFun [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant Colonel
    • Posts: 11
    • Joined: 30 Jun 2014

    Okay, so I’ve been through a lot myself with surgeries and all sorts of things due to a spinal injury but for me after recovering it wasn’t that I didn’t want to be intimate with my partner, it was just lack of time, being over tired & being busy with life in general but for us getting back down to it came way more naturally when I was more relaxed.
    He just started helping & just doing little things that helped me out on a day to day basis even though he’s at work etc he went out of his way to do the dishes, or the tea, run me a bath & give me half an hour on a night to unwind without being disturbed
    I guess my overall advice is to do the little things that make her life easier, help her to relax & unwind, talk to her, I’m a huge advocate that communication is key, see if she’ll tell you what she feels she’s struggling with, tell her you miss being intimate with her, reassure her etc, you know you both have a lot on and if you can help you will, even if she says there’s nothing just do the things you think need doing when you notice them anyway. She will appreciate it! Especially this time of year!
    Good Luck - I hope this helps a little.

    SLP123 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Captain
    • Posts: 8
    • Joined: 10 Jun 2016

    The above advice is perfect.

    I have 2 young kids - one is 10 months and still up a few times a night.

    I find that when Im really stressed and worn out from a long day its really nice to have someone come take over and cook dinner/clean or bring me flowers on a particularly difficult day. When im more chilled and relaxed im more open to sex. Maybe offer a massage and take it from there?

    Its difficult cause obviously everyone has their needs but I usually find the saying "happy wife happy life" saying to be true! If im happy and not stressed or annoyed everyone else is happy and I'm more up for it haha!

    Sometimes it can take a while to 'reboot' your sex drive after kids aswell. I closed off for a while, and wasnt bothered about sex at all really. But out of nowhere its just come back! And we are really communicating more about stuff too.

    LIL_KNOWN69 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 1467
    • Joined: 9 Oct 2005

    Kids definitely change the whole of your life around, from the simple things like going to the shops and having a browse to having 5 minutes in the bath, it all kinda fades away. You become a robot for the little ones and it’s an amazing thing but also when your stuck in a routine, lacking sleep, stressed, hungry and usually a little lost from life as your not seeing friends as much etc, sex is the last thing that comes to mind.

    A lot of women tend to lose a bit of confidence too and this can cause a lot of problems in the bedroom and also out of the bedroom, such as when your shopping your partner may think your looking at others which can cause upset and make you go into a bit of a dry spell and to be honest it’s very common. Men tend to think something is wrong because the partner isn’t as sexual and then it becomes a frustrating cycle of a naggy husband/wife and an upset and stressed out partner which makes sex a chore and really unappetising.

    Right now I would try and hold back on making your partner feel under pressure for sex etc. Try and reassure her that you love her and find her attractive and give her plenty of love and affection. Do the washing up and housework when your home etc, buy her flowers for no real reason except you want to surprise her. Show her that sex isn’t what your sticking around for and in a weird way things may slip back. Iv found that whenever I have become needy in the bedroom my partners have pushed me away, when I don’t talk about it at all they tend to want it more ha. The other thing you need to consider is stress will kill any form of sexual urges so you need to keep the mood calm and relaxed. Maybe give her some time to have a bath with candles and bubbles and you can watch the little one, or take your kids to tw park or play groups at the weekend and let your partner have a lie in. Little gestures are what’s needed in relationships, and not because you want to get laid, but because you love your partner and want to show them that you care. Hopefully it’s a bit of food for thought, a lot of us have been there and I can understand the frustration, it doesn’t make you. Bad person or anything to have these urges just remember to respect your partner and if you beee to whack off to a bit of porn for a few months till things pass then go for it! When it comes to being intimate try and think about your partner First and spend some time just teasing and pleasing her, maybe just go down on her and don’t expect anything. Enjoy her and appreciate what you have. Also you may want to get a few toys and give her a little session to get her realising what she’s missing out on!

    LifePlay [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant
    • Posts: 16
    • Joined: 22 Jan 2012

    Thanks for the above advice and I'll take it on board.

    Like I said, I do feel selfish in some ways as it's a part of our life that seems to have slipped to one side and as I've said I've got quite a high sex drive and it's driving me nuts (ahem).

    I do try to keep my side of the bargain in a lot of ways, I do the majority of the housework, cooking etc. She does a lot of the looking after and entertaining the little one. We both work full time too.

    One thing I don't do much of is giving her much time on her own when we're all in the house. I also very rarely do the odd gestures such as buying her flowers etc so I guess I could certainly do more work in that department.

    Mr Pheebs [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 3172
    • Joined: 12 Jun 2016

    I used to be a children's therapist before I moved jobs, parents are under so much pressure nowdays to be the perfect patent with the best child. During therapy I would often have to explore parenting and relationships, it may be a little different because most of my clients were really disabled but I think work, life balance is still really relevant to talk about with you Lifeplay. Being a parent is a funny one because as a parent it isnt a job, its a life choice. In reality it is a job, you can love a job. Looking after kids can be exhausting physically, mentally, emotionally and socially so often finding time for realtionship building and intimacy slips by the wayside, it isnt intentional but should be gently addressed because leaving it can cause major relationship issues with the parents once the kids are more independent.

    Do you go out as a couple? Can someone babysit for an evening a month? Is your partner comfortable leaving the kids,as quite often this causes guilt? Remember that at that age kids begin to become socially aware so not being with a patent for a short period can be a good thing.

    Going out can be an excellent place to start, woo her, make her feel like your sexual partner and not just Mum, do this a few times, dont go out with the mindset that the concluding activity has to be sex, just see what happens. Kids are a huge amount of work. I remember the first time I convinced my wife that the kids could stay at Nans for the weekend and whisked her away. We got to the bedroom at about 6pm .... neither of us woke up for 12 hours....

    We have 2 adult children now but it had always important for my wife to know that although I love my kids dearly, they are not the centre of my life, she is.

    Dont get me wrong the kids have been loved, nurtured and cared for all of their lives and I will always be there for them but eventually they will move out, start their own families and my relationship with them will change.

    Make sure your priorities of being a family includes couple time, its the foundation that everything else is built on.

    What StayStrongLoveFun shared was superb and really insightful so definately take that onboard but I just thought I'd add my experiences aswell and temember, perfect patents watch and nurture, sometimes this means taking a step back, they dont cloy and control as loud society suggests they should. They will thank you for being added to a family where patents have a strong, trusting and living relationship.

    Mr Pheebs [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 3172
    • Joined: 12 Jun 2016

    Sorry about the typos, got locked out while reviewing my message but I hope it helps.

    Senator [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Colonel
    • Posts: 257
    • Joined: 11 Jun 2017

    Have you talked to her about your frustrations?

    Take her out to a neutral environment, even if it means getting a babysitter in for an hour or 2 whilst you go to the pub. Be open about your needs but at the same time, don't pressure her to satisfy those needs, just a chat. She may open up about what is blocking action in the bedroom. She is most likely aware that once a month isn't enough for you and maybe even feel some guilt so you have to be careful not to make things worse. Make it clear that you love and respect her, regardless.

    My wife went into "mum mode" for years, putting the needs of the kids ahead of anything else, I think that suppresses most sexual drive as it just doesn't rank as important.

    It does pass though and you have to make up intimacy in other ways (hot bath for her while you take your child out for a walk etc, take over some of the child care for an evening, put them to bed, read story etc, allow your Mrs time to switch from being mother to a wife).

    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    • Posts: 2035
    • Joined: 27 Feb 2010

    Maybe you could swap a bit, with the life chores; if she feels she does nothing but take care of the little one, she may start to feel she is doing this bit all on her own, even though you are doing the house work etc.

    Giving her time to do other things maybe what she need; you know the old saying a change is as googd as a rest. But talk to her and ask her if she would like to swap some time and jobs; she maybe happy to just be taking care of the little one, but it won't hurt to find out.

    Don't do it in a way that could make her feel you don't think she's doing a great job, and you are taking over.

    What the others have said is great, put sex on the back burner for a while, and just try to make her feel like an attractive woman again; who has a bit of quality time to her self sometimes. Then maybe she may start to feel that that quality time would be nice to spend with you. let her come back to you for sex; just don't get cold and distant because you feel sex starved.

    If you let her know that you would like a few minutes sometimes to go sort yourself out, and that you are ok about doing that; she is less likely to feel the pressure of knowing you want sex. Just keep the affection going so she knows it's still her you really want.

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