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  1. How to talk about sex?

    1510653237
    ophelia-rose [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant Colonel
    • Posts: 217
    • Joined: 1 Aug 2013

    Hi all, looking for advice.

    I find it very difficult to talk about my sex life face-to-face with people, up to and including finding it hard to ask a person I'm in the middle of having sex with to do a certain thing!

    I'm working on this with my therapist and am trying to practise being more open and realising that it's okay to talk about these things. Talking with you lovely lot is definitely helping too, but just wondering if anybody else has had this issue or if you have any advice for me :)

    1510655350
    Senator [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant Colonel
    • Posts: 190
    • Joined: 11 Jun 2017

    Mrs Sen and I have been together for 24 years now, more than 1/2 our lives, but talking about sex has only really occurred in the last 6 months.

    I think there's different levels of talking about sex. Theres talking about it at work, I work in an all male office so it's a topic that gets bandied around frequently (although intimate details are not discussed), and Mrs Sen also has similar discussions with her coworkers (again, I doubt she goes into detail about our ever increasing toy collection of toys).

    Casual sex talk is easier than intimate talk, although both are about the same thing, they are completely different.

    For our intimate talks just between Mrs Sen and I, it I is made clear at the start, there is no judgement and no question or answer is right or wrong, yes and no are both perfectly acceptable answers to questions about activities and enjoyment. No is almost more important than yes as it helps learn boundaries, I think it's easy to become fearful of rejection (or fearful that your partner may feel rejected by saying no).

    Baby steps perhaps, if you don't feel comfortable saying certain words, perhaps directing your partners attention by guiding them and just say "there" or something similar.

    I still feel weird saying pussy to Mrs Sen, but feel it's less aggressive than the C word and more playful than Vagina, equally I use cock to refer to me rather than penis which seems scientific but dick seems too childish, it's just bizarre, but each time seems to get easier, and bless her, she hasn't laughed me out of bed yet....

    1510657294
    ophelia-rose [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant Colonel
    • Posts: 217
    • Joined: 1 Aug 2013

    Thanks Sen :)

    1510660233
    Delboy1991 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 1533
    • Joined: 30 Jan 2013

    I use to find it very hard/awkward/embarrassing to talk to my partner about sex. I have always lacked in self confidence so played a massive part of our relationship.

    We use to literally text each other ( well I started it) to save myself from what I thought would be "embarrassment ". I would ususla do this whilst hiding in the bath, or when he was at work. It turns out we actually liked the same thing and learnt a lot about each other. Even now 7 years later I'm still not 100% confident.

    I think having no male role models in my upbringing played a huge part in my relationships.. I never really watched anyone being intimate in anyway so I find it all very overwhelming i suppose.

    Having a partner who is very supportive helps massively. I still have a long way to go but admitting you find sexual conversation hard is the first step.

    Lovehoney has had a Huge Huge impact on my confidence. It deffinalty helps hearing about others having the same desires and needs. Everyone is so open and honest & i will always be truly Thankful for this community. You, for example, just writting this makes me realise I to are not alone. X

    1510661026
    LadySpider [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Colonel
    • Posts: 238
    • Joined: 12 Oct 2017

    You know, until I joined this forum I honestly thought it was just me who had this issue! I can talk about sex with friends - usually in a jokey way after a few Buds - but trying to talk seriously, or to tell Mr Spider what I want/need is much more difficult - he often thinks I'm messing around or joking!, when I tell him stuff - which makes it even harder. he can talk absolute filth during sex, but I find it so hard to say the stuff/words I know he wants me to say.

    We met on-line in a chat-room almost 20 years ago (remember the days before FB when chat-rooms were popular!) and spent whole ights in private chat together - mostly talking dirty - cyber sex!! lol Those were the days eh? I found it so easy to 'type' the words, so he expected me to be like that when we met up in reality - suppose he felt a bit let down about how reticent I am in bed.

    I am getting better at voicing my needs, but I still feel very awkward. I usually end up guiding his hands and saying stuffs like 'yes there' or 'That feels so good' xx

    1510662519
    Kr33 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Major
    • Posts: 64
    • Joined: 19 Sep 2017

    I've been with my OH since sch days , we are now in our 40s. We have always been able to talk about sex quite openly, started using toys in our late teens. I can ask or tell him anything and him like wise ( as long as it only involve us two I'm game!). Just this weekend we where stuck in car in pouring rain for an hour, we pasted the time with game of ask me sex question! his first question was have you seen new toy on LH you want! Of course answer was yes ! Then that answer itself is a five min conversation. I feel as long as u honest and trusting you can open up. It's great turn on having your OH telling you what turn him on.

    1510663613
    young at heart [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant Colonel
    • Posts: 25
    • Joined: 21 Mar 2011

    I agree with Ophelia-rose, can be a very difficult subject sometimes, esp Ive found not to discuss stuff whilst in the middle of it so to speak! I found the LH Oh kinky confessions truth or dare cards an excellent way to spend a few hours if you take time to go through them all and discuss the items in some depth. They really helped get the conversation in an open way, worst comes to worst can always blame LH for the questions (only kidding but you see what I mean hopefully). good luck!

    1510666156
    sexyretired [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Captain
    • Posts: 5
    • Joined: 20 Jan 2016

    I agree that talking about sex is difficult, when one of you is wanting more out of your sex life than the partner. I find writing a card (birthday, etc.) works for me to get things off my mind and up for discussion. Doesn't always work but at least my wife has some idea that I am not content with the situation.

    1510668772
    Peakcouple [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Major
    • Posts: 60
    • Joined: 10 Sep 2014

    Agree it can be difficult, I (G) was married for 26 years to my ex and couldn't discuss sex, we did plenty of it and both enjoyed it, but she would get embarrassed when I asked her what she wanted done to her and she just cut me off. I asked if she would like to try toys and she wouldn't anwer, so bought her a vibrator and she wouldn't use it. I suggested at one time we visit a swinger club just to see what swinging was all about, and she said no but wouldn't say anything more and wouldn't discuss the subject.

    She had been quite promiscuous before we met (I found later she had a bit of a reputaion) and our first sex had been when we met at a party and knew absolutely nothing about the other. I asked about previous lovers and again she wouldn't talk. She had been brought up by repressive parents and I believe she found doing sex both fun and necessary, but felt talking about it was 'wrong' in some way.

    Can only suggest people in this situation keep on talking or trying to and not give up as I did.

    1510684908
    Quiet ones are worse! [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: General
    • Posts: 1231
    • Joined: 24 Jun 2012

    We've been together 20 years and I still find it very hard to ask/say things about sex even though I'm quite a perv and can have some quite "different " asks.

    1510689256
    Dickiebird [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant
    • Posts: 35
    • Joined: 29 Oct 2017

    I find it is a very difficult subject to raise with my OH. Like many on this thread, we have been together for many years and like others the sex life has been up and down (no pun intended.)
    I should imagine that it is easier to talk to your OH if you are both on a similar sexual level.
    However if one has a higher level, it must be very difficult for the other one to raise the issue and try to explain they need more.

    1510689866
    Quiet ones are worse! [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: General
    • Posts: 1231
    • Joined: 24 Jun 2012

    Dickiebird wrote:

    I find it is a very difficult subject to raise with my OH. Like many on this thread, we have been together for many years and like others the sex life has been up and down (no pun intended.)
    I should imagine that it is easier to talk to your OH if you are both on a similar sexual level.
    However if one has a higher level, it must be very difficult for the other one to raise the issue and try to explain they need more.

    This is why often even when the oh can see what one posts here it's easier to say things here than face to face?
    1510693317
    Lu SB [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: General
    • Posts: 741
    • Joined: 4 Mar 2017

    I've been married for 16 years and I too find it very difficult. My hubby is lovely and he does things to please me, but he is a bit shy and he'd rather do something I ask, but he doesn't want to talk about, which I find it a bit weird. It's like the physical connection happens automatically and easier, but the verbal one, the "let's talk and keep eye contact" kind of one is a bit of a challenge. A bit like Ladyspider, my OH tends to laugh and make a bit of fun from things that I've a need to talk a bit more seriously. Maybe one day...

    1510695151
    нинаnin [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: General
    • Posts: 206
    • Joined: 1 Dec 2016

    I didn't really talk much until this year. A lot of personal life changes made me more reflective, and communicative.

    I read a lot of blogs/articles about consent, mental health, learning, (non-)hierarchy and related issues. I found that research really helped me process what I was feeling. Then it just grew from there.

    1510699920
    Quiet ones are worse! [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: General
    • Posts: 1231
    • Joined: 24 Jun 2012

    My wife has read about some of my kinks or desires (that I perhaps would never say) by reading what I post here, like wanting a fist or more up my bum?

    1510704179
    ophelia-rose [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant Colonel
    • Posts: 217
    • Joined: 1 Aug 2013

    Thanks all, it's heartening to know that I'm not alone in this issue :)

    I find talking about sex in an abstract or more casual way fine, but when it comes to talking specifically about myself and what I like/want/do/have done etc I cringe so hard internally that I usually only manage to say something super vague, and can't get myself to use my words more specifically and accurately!

    I think I'm going to keep chatting on here, exploring solo play, and just practise talking about those things that make me cringe. Hopefully all that will help :)

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