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  1. Addiction to images/porn?

    1509919484
    RubyDarling [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Colonel
    • Posts: 199
    • Joined: 17 Jul 2014

    I apologise in advance for the length of this post but I really need some advice/other points of view/help on that matter and at the moment, there is absolutely nobody I can talk to about this.

    I have been with my boyfriend for 12 years, we've had ups and downs like any other couples, but I think there is a big problem between us.

    Since the very beginning of our relationship, he has always had a higher sex drive than I have, which can happen to any couple as many topics about the same problem often pop on this forum... I have never had any problems with the fact that he sometimes watches porn and I've always tried to make efforts for him not to feel left out when he was in the mood and I wasn't but he's always been rather selfish and would most of the time just sulk until he gets what he wants. I was his first ever relationship and we were each other's first sexual experience. I've never been very confident in bed although I've improved with years. I'm always ready to try new things and I try to remain as open minded as possible.

    Our relationship became a LDR when he moved for a new job about a year later so we would very often do webcam chats and I would sometimes do sexy things for him on the webcam, although I have always been very shy and not confident with my body, I would do it for him because I love him and I knew it would make him feel better while we were far away from each other. But just as for sex, sometimes I wasn't in the mood and would make the effort and I remember that he would also sulk if I said no. Whenever I visited him he would always let me use his computer while he was at work and I ended up finding out that he was secretly recording everything I was doing on the webcam to watch again later. He had dozens of videos of me doing stuff but he would still get mad at me if I refused to do a "sexy show" for him. I was very upset when I discovered that and we broke up for a week. He realised that he really hurt me doing this and he spent the whole week apologising. It was very hard but I ended up forgiving him because I love him and I moved on and tried to forget about all that. The only difference being that I would then refuse to do anything on the webcam and he totally understood my reasons. Plus we were due to move in together six months later so I thought it wouldn't be a problem anymore as we would be together all the time and he wouldn't need webcam shows anymore.

    Fast forward three years later, something happened that I have mentioned on the forum before. He went to a party I couldn't attend because I was working, he got drunk and ended up in bed with a friend of mine and they did some things although they didn't have full sex., he keeps saying that he didn't cheat but yes he did, because he didn't use his cock doesn't mean it's not cheating! He came back home the day after and told me straight away because he felt guilty (and I think, also because he preferred that I didn't hear about it from someone else). I kind of knew it would happen at some point because I was his first ever and he might be tempted to see how it feels with someone else and it could have happened to me as well, so I didn't get too upset about it and I forgave him again.

    Fast forward again, two years later, I found out that this friend and him have exchanged some sexy pictures and have had sexy conversations together. Big fight, break up again for three weeks. I even message the so-called friend to let her know how disappointed I am in her behaviour and I don't want to see her or speak to her anymore. She apologises and says she didn't know that I didn't know because even her boyfriend was aware of what was going on and "it was just all fun and nothing serious". I never spoke to her again since then, this was about two years ago.

    I know sexting is a thing and many people do it all the time, but I don't find it appealing, it just does nothing for me. As I said before, I'm not body confident, although he literally worships my body and I regularly receive compliments from others, not everyone is confident enough to do that and because others do it doesn't mean I have to. When we have to spend a few days apart, which doesn't happen very often but still does, he often asks if I will send him pictures during this time and I always say I will if I'm in the mood. This summer he spent a week at his parents' while I was working and I did send him a picture. He was so happy and excited he got flowers delivered for me at our flat two days later. He never buys me flowers, it has only happend twice before that and I couldn't believe it.

    Last part of the story: I have recently found out that he went to the point of opening a secret Twitter account where he makes "cum tributes" with pictures of others girls... they send him nudes, he prints them and cums on them, then he takes a picture and sends it to the girl. He even makes videos where you can see him wanking and cumming on the pictures and sometimes even whispering the name of the girl... (he doesn't show his face though, just his cock). I recognised his tattoos and our bedsheets, because yes, he sometimes does that in our very own bed...

    My point is, after the incident with my friend, he promised me he wouldn't do any such thing in the future and he said that he was probably sick and should get some help. I actually believe that this permanent need for images might be a form of sickness or addiction (I noticed that he sometimes even sends tweets while I'm home in another room and there's also the fact that he does it in our bed... what a lack of respect!) and I wonder how I can help him. Or is it just that we are not compatible on the sexual level? I feel I have made a lot of efforts and it's never enough. Whatever happens I'm going to end this relationship as he proved me quite a few times that I cannot trust him despite the love he has for me. We really do love each other and to many of our friends, we are the "dream couple", but I don't think I can carry on like this.

    Oh and thank you for reading until the end! :)

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    illtakethehighroad [sign in to see picture]
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    • Joined: 11 Jul 2014

    ouch RubyDarling you have had a rough time.

    Look i am not going to be around the bush. The elephant in the room is not the webcams and sexual compatibility it is his behaviour, he is a cheater and he has done it mutiple times, with your friend and on camera.

    You say how you can help him? and how you are not sexually comptabible?. Its not your problem, its his. His behaviour is pretty bad and surely its just going to continue if you let it. He has to sort himeself out and its not your job to do it.

    You say you are perfect together but really do you want to be treated like that, surely you are worth more than that? You say "his love for you" but he has a funny way of showing it. You make excuses for his behaviour, he cheated and you justify his behaviour saying you were his first and " it could have happened to me". Well it didnt.. As you said its never enough, typical of anyone with a problem. You can support them but they have to want to change and he shows no signs of it. He has to take responsibility for his actions and not make excuses for his behaviour. To be honest i think you have given him enough chances.

    Oh and ditch your friend completely, some friend saying it was "just fun". Who needs friends like that.

    I quite agree i think you should end the relationship. Find someone who treats you better you deserve it!

    You sound like you have low self esteem. Look a partner who you want to spend your life with is someone who puts your thoughts on a equal footing and is there to pick you up through the good and bad times. Who is there to have great sex with but equally there to nurse you when some life changing illness turns your world upside down.. Who understands your needs and when it comes to sex wants to please you equally as much as themselves. This guy isnt that person.

    Good luck, you deserve more!

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    Humpy Tail [sign in to see picture]
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    • Joined: 24 Aug 2017

    Being a man myself, and speaking from a males perspective. This guy is out of order on every level possible in my honest opinion.

    He clearly has no respect for you, or he wouldn't continuously keep messing up like he has been. If you want a straight and honest opinion the best thing you can do to help yourself first and foremost is to leave him.

    You seem to be stuck between a rock and a hard place, but long term you'd be better off without him and all of his issues.

    I'm a married male, I watch porn and masturbate and my wife is fully aware of that. That is as far as I would go sexually without my wife's involvement.

    Look after yourself and don't let him treat you like this, as you do deserve much better.

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    KingGrthy [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Major General
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    • Joined: 1 May 2016

    Wow, regardless of whether what the guy is doing is right or wrong, it is hurting you. Labelling it, placing blame, and holding resentment are wasted emotions after a point. It is worth remembering that you came into this world solo(talking lovers not family), and you can flourish just fine on your own. Don’t waste anymore time, for both of yours sake, living in a situation where your needs are never met leads to neurotic self destructive behaviour. His sexual needs clearly don’t get met, and whatever he is saying his deceit and disloyalty is an indication that he is not happy. Likewise the lack of trust and honesty does not meet your needs and I imagine there is a self reinforcing circle that goes on endlessly where neither of you wish to compromise because you feel it makes no difference and so on and on. Get on your own, think about what you want and go about finding that!

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    Lovehoney - Paige [sign in to see picture]
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    • Joined: 28 Mar 2014

    Oh lovely I am so sorry that this has happened to you. Humpy Tail is right, and he is taking advantage of you as well as having a lack of respect within your relationship.

    In regards to if it is an addiction, it's really difficult to comment on. It's possible, but at the end of the day it is his responsibility to acknowledge that and get help if he needs it.

    Please do end the relationship. It will hurt for a while and it will suck, but time heals and you will feel a lot better.

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    wildflower [sign in to see picture]
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    Oh this sounds like a horrible situation and he's clearly showing you zero respect . He's also being very childish in sulking when he can't get his own way .
    It sounds very much like you're the one making all the effort in this relationship and he's just continues to think only of his own pleasure . I hate to say it but when you list everything he's done such as cheating with your friend ( yes it's still cheating even if there was no penetrative sex !) recording you on webcam without your permission, exchanging sexy texts and pics with your ex friend and then the Twitter cum tribute thing it all points to one thing ....that he really can't be trusted.
    I've no idea whether he's truly addicted but he'll never stop this behaviour if he knows that you'll forgive everytime .
    Personally and it's just my opinion , I think you've put up with enough and it doesn't sound like he's making you truly happy . Who can be happy when they can't trust someone thats supposed to love them ?
    I think the time has come for you to move on and find someone who will really love and respect you x

    1509961704
    4Uonly [sign in to see picture]
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    Knowing he hurts you deeply and also it's complete darkness in this bottomless pit relationship. Please ends it early and be happy all over again. Good luck.

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    RosyCheek [sign in to see picture]
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    Aw Ruby, this is a horrible situation for you. I will not condone his behaviour but I can say from experience of being in your position that addiction can change your personality. It is a powerful thing.

    His sulking and childish behaviour could be a sign of his own guilt and disgust at himself, like he is trying to sabotage the relationship. There are sex addiction groups online and SAA groups in major cities. This can't be forced upon him though he has to want to change his behaviours.

    With my experiences the best thing you can do is tell him that this is hurting you and you won't tolerate it anymore. Tell him he needs to work on his issues but it's something he has to do himself. To stop yourself hurting any more you may be best to take some time out of the relationship.

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    theboynextdoor [sign in to see picture]
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    I'm sorry to here that.

    He has disrespected you on more then one occasion, so like others say it will hurt for a short time but is going to be a lot easier for you to end now then wait to see when he is going to muck you around Again,

    Regarding his issues it is his problem to deal with and he may need support but please don't let it be you
    As you have given so much already. Don't let him manipulate you to do so neither.

    I also believe that with him gone your self confidence will be greatly improved remember there is always someone to talk to if it's a friend or someone on this LH forum.


    Wishing you the best for the future.

    1510147208
    DeliciousPB&J [sign in to see picture]
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    I don't have any advice that differs from others here but I wanted to say that,

    I wish you all the best and hope you can make the right decision for yourself to make you happy xox

    1510178929
    RubyDarling [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Colonel
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    • Joined: 17 Jul 2014

    Thank you everyone.

    I am going to end the relationship as I said in the first post, I'm aware that I have given him too many chances and probably more than he deserves. I think I just needed a bit of a kick in the butt to make my decision and that's what led me to write this post.

    I am having a tough time at the moment as I lost my job about a month ago and can't find anything at the moment, but I definitely need to regain my financial independance so I can move out. It's gonna be hard to organise but I will keep you all updated.

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    illtakethehighroad [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Captain
    • Posts: 63
    • Joined: 11 Jul 2014

    Rubydarling.

    You all have our sympathy, loosing your job on top of this is terrible, you must be feeling very low.

    Its a cliche but look at the opportunities, you have a chance to start completely afresh with relationship and job.

    And appologies if my post appeared very terse and direct. Your OH deserves to be single until he changes his behaviour, I read your post with slight shock that anyone had the gall to behave that bad. My terseness was directed at him. Glad you are going to leave him.

    I read some of your other post history and noted you said with Anal you couldnt do it because he wasnt patient enough to take it slow. That sums him up in one short sentence really! Its something you just cannot do unless you work together.

    You will find someone who treats you better and sex is better with someone like that!

    Good luck

    1510611989
    VR [sign in to see picture]
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    Oh, Ruby Darling. I was with a man like this a long time ago. Leaving him was the best thing I ever did. I walked with just the clothes on my back, and I won't lie and tell you it was easy as it was one of the hardest things I've ever done.

    He got wind that I'd decided to leave and begged and promised that he'd change (as he had MANY times before), but for my sanity's sake I had to leave. He made me feel like sh*t and gave me huge body confidence issues.

    It won't be easy, much less so if you're not financially independent, so get out there with your head held high in the knowledge that the problems are his, not yours. You will move on and find a much better life. You've been strong enough to cope so far, so you know you can do it.

    Good luck.

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    RubyDarling [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Colonel
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    I know I deserve better and I should have left him before, honestly I can't remember why I didn't do it two years ago when I found out about the texts...

    I've just booked a ticket to go spend a week at my parents, I've had a crap week where nothing went as planned and I'm barely getting any support from him. I need to get away for a while to start with, and when I find a job I'll move out for good.

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