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  1. Am I being selfish?

    1509705226
    LadySpider [sign in to see picture]
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    Replying to another thread made me think of a problem we have...Mr Spider isn't a very patient man.... soon as he gets full on hard he totally forgets what I need! As an older couple (I'm 52 he's 49) you'd think he would of learnt some patience by now! He is great until the full erection arrives! But as soon as it arrives he thinks of nothing much except getting it rubbed. He is brilliant with his fingers, but soon as he's hard he gets rough with them - kind of like guys in porn using a girl - just ramming their fingers in and out not really caring how much pleasure they're giving - I do wonder if thats his problem - he watches loads of porn, mainly girls getting gang banged. I don't want sofly softly sex all the time - don't get me wrong - I love to get fucked hard - but I'd love more and longer attention/foreplay. Am I being selfish? The last time we did it (wednesday afternoon) I asked for more time with my toy before he put his dick in me - he snapped 'Oh yeah it's all about you, isn't it??' That really upset me - I didn't want sex last night for the first time in about a month!

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    Lovinthetoys [sign in to see picture]
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    I dont think you are being selfish, its about both of you and your enjoyment. You guys need to talk it through before the event really and explain what you have said here. Just tak about it, you shouldnt have to go on not enjoying.

    I would definately want to know if my partner felt the same. 

    1509707078
    Michael777 [sign in to see picture]
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    Yes definitely need to tell him you don't like what he's doing. My OH is very blunt with me if I get a bit too rough or eager with her. That's why I like her riding me as she can control the speed etc.. I've found as I've got older I can control and last much longer than when I was younger. Maybe this is because I'm not going to be able to repeat any time soon ha!! That's my downside of getting a bit older lol.

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    NatandTom [sign in to see picture]
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    No, not selfish.

    You definitely need to talk to him about it. If my partner gets too rough I'm like 'woah, slow down' and I guide his hands to the movements and speed that I need.

    As for the comment that he made, I'd be upset too. I think sometimes people can forget that vaginas need more warming up than a penis and they're not always ready for action as soon as they're aroused. It wouldn't hurt to remind him that it's not a case of it being all about you, but a case of you being ready so that sex can be enjoyable for the both of you. If you're not at the point of being ready for penetration you'll be uncomfortable and that will not be fun for either of you!

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    MDH [sign in to see picture]
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    Definitely not selfish.

    Not the most sensitive comment to have made - needs a long calm conversation to discuss this. It's all about both of you enjoying the moment.

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    4Uonly [sign in to see picture]
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    Not selfish at all.

    You have every right to demand for his gentleness. He has to be reminded that you are not the same as those pornstars. But he may feel hurt so do it gently over meal.

    1509709168
    FHG. [sign in to see picture]
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    Absolutely not selfish at all.

    It’s so important that you’re given the chance to become aroused... and that will only be of benefit to him too!

    Regarding his comment, I’d have got angry at that tbh, as it seems a bit of a “pot kettle black” kind of statement! 🙈 Sex is about both of you and I think he might need a gentle reminder of that... esepecially if it is turning you off.

    Hope it gets better LS 💕

    1509710450
    KingGrthy [sign in to see picture]
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    He’s just getting carried away, probably thinks your enjoying it, especially if your are showing signs of physical arousal. You need to make it clear that while it can get you off you prefer gentler kinder contact. Be assertive your not asking for anything he shouldn’t be happy to give you.

    then again, his comment is pretty harsh, what’s behind that?  Does he not feel his needs get met?

    1509710639
    Ragnar Lodbrok [sign in to see picture]
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    No, you’re not being selfish at all.
    A loving relationship is about mutual love and understanding of each partner’s needs - in and out of the bedroom.
    Is your OH suffering from any confidence issues that recent events in his personal life / your lives may have caused him?
    I’d suggest that you both talk things through in order that you might better understand each other. You need to get this out into the open and have a heart to heart - no matter how difficult this may bePerhaps a good starting point might be what your OH gets out of watching so much porn.
    Good luck. Here’s wishing you both get a mutually beneficial outcome.
    Ragnar.

    1509711578
    LIL_KNOWN69 [sign in to see picture]
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    Not selfish at all, I would strongly suggest it’s the complete opposite and his not respecting you and being selfish himself. A lot of men don’t seem to understand that sex and porn are two completely different things, and it does appear that rough sex is now on the rise because of this.
    Everyone loves a good old quick and hard session but I find myself getting quite depressed if we get into routine of that, I need to feel some real intimacy once in a while which I can’t really get from the rough and dominant sex. As others have said, I would strongly suggest talking about things and being a tad more vocal in the bedroom, if things ever feel uncomfortable both physically or mentally then you have every right to say “slow down” or “stop”. Just because his got a hard on and ready to finish doesn’t mean you need to abide by this. Let him work for it and tell him you want a little more play beforehand.

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    Davy Brown [sign in to see picture]
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    Not at all as everyone has said.
    As a couple you both have needs and what was said about porn being very different.
    Maybe you could try some role reversal normal foreplay and tie him up or blind fold him. That way you could control the Tempo.
    It will be a turn on for him the anticipation drive him wild!

    1509748787
    GemGem90 [sign in to see picture]
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    Definately not selfish, maybe talk to him outside of the bedroom about it?
    Men tend to get a little tunnel vision when fully aroused.
    Just try to have a casual conversation about what you're not loving... and if he starts doing it the next time in the bedroom do a little demo for him yourself. Sexy and educational 😈

    1509784745
    LadySpider [sign in to see picture]
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    Thanks for the advice and support Guys and Gals - I really do appreciate it

    I do think you're all completely right - communication is the key. My biggest problem is overcoming the shyness I have when it comes to vocalizing what I need sexually. I used to be really assertive and outgoing sexually - but after 10 years of doing it less and less - down to about once every 3 or 4 months, I have rather gotten back into the almost virginal mode.

    Back-story... (for anyone interested) I suffered a brain hemorage during sex - I stopped breathing and turned blue... BF had to ressusitate me several times before the ambulance arrived. Taken to hospital where I needed a 12 hour operation to fix the mess inside my skull. So... it did make us both rather nervous about sex. My surgeon assured us there wasn't a chance of it happening again as there wasn't any more aneurisms in my head...but we were both still very nervous to start up the physical side of our relationship again.
    The intimacy and closeness as a couple almost dissappeared, he became carer and me patient - my rehabilitation was long and complex, but now, altho I still need a wheelchair 99% of the time, I can do most things for myself.

    We didn't exactly talk about how our relationship had become - but did talk about our fears - I was also menopausal which didn't help things. Once the menopause finished (I hope!!) I became very sexual again - we tried hard to become close as a couple, a long weekend away helped, and we actually started to talk about what we wanted sexually. So far it's all gone his way - except his wish to see me fucked by another guy, or to involve another girl in our bedroom - I very much doubt that will happen as I just haven't got the confidence to let anyone see me naked.

    So...thats his confidence issue - he was fucking me - I died!! Scared the be jesus out of him for sure lol. Our all but dead sex life....hence he has a bit of a porn addiction...plus how I now look isn't what he likes. He sometimes listens if I talk or even guide him durning love making, but he takes even small critism badly, and totally disagrees with all I say about how most girls need more ;warm up' time or even more gentle, teasing play. he honestly believes that the majority of girls in porn are what real women want - because its ameuteur porn made by 'real people'

    See my problem?

    Thanks for listening guys, sorry for the rant

    1509785142
    Leo13 [sign in to see picture]
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    Have you ever thought of a chasity device for him? Certainly worked wonders for us!

    1509785752
    theboynextdoor [sign in to see picture]
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    It's not selfish at all

    It's about being caring for each other, I understand that sometimes gentleness is the passion needed as well as the odd occasion of a hard fuck.
    But it's about reading or even asking the OH and seeing what they want,
    as we all know there's more then just one way to have sex.
    As a bloke and without trying to sound sexist I know many men who have a hard time knowing how the OH is feeling so might need to talk to him about having a set day of the week of gentle passionate sex or some kind of word to use when you need it softly.

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    theboynextdoor [sign in to see picture]
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    On a note to my previous post and reading he likes to watch porn. It might be worth buying some soft core to watch together to see that even being gentle with each other you can have great orgasms.

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    illtakethehighroad [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi Lady spider, i concur with whateveryone else said but your latest post does put little seeds of doubt in my mind. Whilst you have gone through a lot together i still dont think that excuses his attitude.

    You say you are not a great communicator but you have said in that post you have told him want you want to tske it slower and he has basically dismissed it and "he knows better" because he has watched amatuer porn. You also say he takes everything as a personal crtiiscism. i like a bit of porn but in no way do I think it is a tool to copy in the bedroom as a general rule unless my missus is up for it as well and it is a shared experience.

    Look amateur porn tends to ape the professional stuff and to claim its what women want is ludicrous, there is no such thing as "what all women want" or what men want, everyones different! You have told him what you want, to ask for it is not being difficult or selfish, he is being selfish in dismissing you out of hand. Sounds to me like he takes that as damaging his male pride.

    It sounds less like poor communication or his confidence in more that he dismisses what you say and its what he wants, 3somes etc, is it just sex his does this or does it extend to other aspects of your life? Thats the key to take away from this.

    I have a friend who acts like your OH, dismissing his wife when she askes for something yet she does 90% of the compromising, its not a very attractive trait!

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    LadySpider [sign in to see picture]
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    Hey thank you again everyone -

    Leo13 - yes - I have thought of buying him a chastity device - he's dubious about wearing one, but it's one of the next things we're going to try.

    Theboynextdoor - I kind of like your idea about having different days of the week for different kinds of sex - thank you!

    illtakethehighroad - you really have great insight, my lovely. He is the same in most other aspects of our life - I guess thats because for a long, long time he's had no choice but to take over control of everything because of my damaged brain. Things like finance and major decisions have all fallen on his shoulders, as my skills in those areas is rather mental! (I had a test during neuro phsio - I have the emotional responses and decision making skills of a 14 year old boy!! lol Dunno why 'boy' when I'm a girl - but hey ho!) He really doesn't feel that I am having to compromise on anything - he has had to take control so I suppose it may have overflowed into our sex life. Thank you! xx

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    Blue Steel [sign in to see picture]
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    Nope not at all. I worship my OH I won’t even start thinking about sex until I have made her cum first I get off just as much bringing her pleasure it turns me on even more and makes the moment lasting. Don’t get me wrong there are times when I just want her to suck me off but I would always return the favour. Just decide quicky or session and talk about it tell him you want to be dripping before he puts anything inside you on those longer sessions. Good luck 💦

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    Dickiebird [sign in to see picture]
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    You are not being selfish at all. Sex it supposed to be an enjoyable experience for both partners and not just one.

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