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  1. Asking for what I want

    smellycat19 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Captain
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    • Joined: 26 Feb 2015

    Hi all,
    Have been with my bf for a few months now and things are going great. Only problem is, although we have/do sometimes communicate about what we like in bed, he's not very good at 'cues', reading body language ect....

    It's gotten to the stage where I am getting frustrated as he's not picking up on what I need so to speak. He's told me to just ask him when I want/need 'x,y,z' ect but I'm not a woman to ask/tell a guy what he should be doing or where he should be at in the bedroom, out of principle and although I'm not entirely prudish I find it awkward.

    I hate to compare him to, but my ex just used to 'know', it's like he really understood me and just 'got me' without needing any guidance or requests from me in the bedroom even after only a few months.Needless to say that ironically I didn't really enjoy the sex with the ex nowhere near as much as my bf at the moment, but I have explained my struggle to orgasm through penetration and told him I need a little extra to help me finish for example oral sex. Up until now, he hadn't really realised this as we perhaps didn't communicate well enough to start with and he assumed I couldn't orgasm in anyway so he tried to please me as much as he could and then just got on with things for himself at the same time. Not in a selfish way though. 

    Only recently has he been really trying since he's realised, but sometimes I still find I'm getting annoyed and refuse to have to spell it out , which in turn is causing arguments.

    How can I ask him without feeling awkward, being too forward or appearing rude because it obviously doesn't bother him me asking for things, he has no hesitation to ask for what he wants in bed.

    HandT [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Major
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    Everybody wants and gets off in there own way right. Show him how you masturbate (the technique you use) then ask him to do the same to you and he will start to pick up on the little things that you like and how you like them.

    MDH [sign in to see picture]
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    • Joined: 21 Feb 2017

    I have encountered this - but from the opposite side - so I speak from the male perspective.

    Although it might seem difficult there might be a way of asking for what you want - whilst not getting embarrassed or shy. It is simply in the heat of the moment - whisper in his ear what you need.

    Somehow the whisper makes it less formal, less likely to interrupt flow or potentially cause argument. Make it as short and as dirty as you like. Make it clear exactly what you want right now! 

    I know that when the whisper (whatever it may be) comes from my wife it is a great turn on and urges me to do what she needs. Somehow the hushed voice makes it an intimate, instinctive demand - not a formal and rhythm breaking demand. It is also easier for you because you are not having to turn the issue into a formal problem. Initially it might take a bit of courage on your part but it may well be worth it.

    I feel confident that he will respond as I do - I hope so - Good luck.

    CuriousM [sign in to see picture]
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    Definitely agree that the whispering idea would be a sexy and non intimidating way to do things, especially if incorporated with a bit of dirty talk.

    Call me an old fashioned gent but surely it's a case of ladies first though, right!? Try to encourage him into encorporating oral to your orgasm as part of foreplay, maybe a naughty text earlier in the day to tell him what you want when you get home? Then when he sees how much you like it... he'll make it a regular thing with any luck. Either that or quite simply next time you go down on him.... tell him it's his turn afterwards!!

    Zephron [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant Colonel
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    Hey SmellyCat19, just a few quick questions, then some ideas.
    OK, so you mention that your 'ex' just sort of knew you, but I wonder if he was psychic/gifted, or if he's just been lucky enough to have more experience/practice, that your missing with hindsight. (Ive reread the sentence, and dont mean it to sound harsh or anything, just that, well, if you were with the ex for say 5 years, and the new bf is only as many months there is a definate higher level of 'getting to know' the way around.)

    I know blokes can be pretty dense and not pick up on cues at times, and I was surprised when a gf of mine said that she loved the way I played with her nipples, that I knew exactly what she wanted there, and that I almost made her cum from it I was honestly shocked, but sort of in a nice way. I'd normally consider myself one of those guys who doesn't know what it's all about, I'd like to be told what to do to get it right, to make her happy.

    Maybe you do need just a touch more forthrightness, even as posters above have said mentioning to him that you would like some oral pleasure after him, or whispering in his ear how youd like him to play with you while in a certain position. He'd probably find it a massive turn on if you were 'talking dirty to him' like that too.
    II like HandT's tip too, about showing him how you like to masterbate and what not only turns you on, but gets and keeps you hot. It's stuff he might like to learn, you could even turn it into foreplay, and show each other what you both like.
    Hope it all helps, and that you don't feel to awkward about it.

    HandT [sign in to see picture]
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    Could always leave a sexy note in his bag or in the house for when he gets home dropping mega hints at what you would like him to so or even try a bit of cheeky bribery ha (not the best idea but could be fun if you keep the rewards simple and fun etc...)

    HandT [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Major
    • Posts: 32
    • Joined: 4 Dec 2010

    Could always leave a sexy note in his bag or in the house for when he gets home dropping mega hints at what you would like him to so or even try a bit of cheeky bribery ha (not the best idea but could be fun if you keep the rewards simple and fun etc...)

    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    Women don't come with an instruction manual, so guys have to learn these things; if some woman or women, your ex had previously been with has taught him, then when he came to you he was already ahead of the game.

    Your current Bf may just never have been with women who felt able to teach him, just like you; getting angry with him isn't going to help it's only going to make things worse. Your current Bf is trying to do his best as you say, but he is running on instinct alone " male instinct" at that.

    I understand how it feels to have a guy just know what to do; it takes the pressure off, makes you feel feminine, and in the hands of a "real man". Having to baby sit the guy through it all, it's so not exciting to have to do, and frankly so many guys get anoyed if you tell them what to do in bed, it's like you can't win. When all you want to do is be the women, to his man, it can make you feel like you are having to do it all.

    But someone has to do it; some of them pick it up real quick, others just don't get at all, and need more help. look at it this way with a little effort now, you could get him educated, for the rest of the time you are together. the thing is how to do it in a way thats not going to make you feel awkward, or kill the moment between you.

    Try this; and you will have to do a bit of explaining to him. Tell him you find it awkward to say just what you want, but you will play " hot and cold" with him, at those times. And that he just needs to keep exploring your body to find what you want hin to do; and not to get dispondent if he doesn't get it right straight off, but to keep trying. And to watch for you non verbal pointers, at the same time.

    When you do this make the non verbal signal, and just say cold, to start the game, try to make the fat you are giving a non verbal as obvious as you can. he should eventually be able to associate that non verbal with what makes you say "red hot". It should be kind of fun and teach him at the same time, without you having to spell it out. You may have to physical push him in the right direction at first, but I think it should work.

    It's just if you can feel able to give it go, and kind of meet his request for " just tell me" half way. It the only thing I can think of that takes both of you into the mix; I hope you find your way out of this situation.

    I'm sorry it's going to be you to bite the bullet, and give him a place to start from. Other wise you are just going to get ever more frustrated with his short commings, and that's not going to be good.

    Lu SB [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi Smellycat I remember reading some of your posts a few weeks ago and you were saying that you were a bit upset with your boyfriend attitude towards pleasing you. I don't know but I understand that you still with the same guy don't you? And it seems you are still struggling on getting him to be more "pro-active".

    I don't know but from where I'm standing you've told him what you need, you explained and it's frustrating that you must keep repeating yourself over and over again. He's not a child so he should have got it by now. Communication is not just being open about your needs, but also having a feedback that the other part is taking that into account. If you like him and want to be in a relationship with him, perhaps he'll have to accept that you introduce a bullet or other toy to your intercourse, so this way you feel satisfied and don't have to be spelling it out every single time you have sex what he's got to do. And he has to accept that or rise to the occasion because in a long term the arguments tend to get worse and you'll end up resenting him and vice-versa. Good luck and I hope you guys figure things out.

    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    Many spot on advices, as usual.

    I just wanted to add that I am in a similar situation, where my bf asks me to tell him how I want to ne pleased or like things, but I just can't seem to do it in the moment. i've found that telling him afterwards, while maybe not working as quickly, also gets him to learn my body. As an example, I will tell him "I really liked that you did [this thing] especialy for this reason. It felt like x and I enjoy that" or " you know when you dis this? I would have liked it better like this instead. It felt too much x and I prefer when it's more y".

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