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  1. The new guy at work

    1508090353
    lovelylumps [sign in to see picture]
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    I am very happily married so in no way at all is this going to go any further than these thoughts!

    There is a new guy at my work and I can't help but having random naughty thoughts about him! I really don't know what it is that is making me have them as I am happily married, no intentions of straying away from my husband and this guy isn't even particularly my type in the slightest and I don't even really find him attractive lol

    I don't know how to stop them as it's starting to make me feel bad towards my husband even though I haven't done anything wrong?

    1508091172
    SquirtyPanda [sign in to see picture]
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    I understand this somewhat. I am single though not married, however today I was imagining doing naughty things with my supervisor. 

    He isnt particularly my type either, I dont understand it. I think its just the animalistic instincts still ticking over inside of us perhaps. ?

    1508094799
    Lu SB [sign in to see picture]
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    Well girls I so share this feeling and unfortunately the guilt that comes with it. I'm married, never, ever cheated on my hubby, but there's someone, also at work, that really messes with my sexual and emotional "stability". This has been going on for more than a year now and it doesn't get any better. I must admit I used to feel horrible, so guilt like if I were some kind of slut that goes with everyone, but I've been learning how to deal with that.

    You know what: I accept the fact the more I try don't think and fantasize about the guy, the more I do, it's insane, but it's true. I think as long as we don't act on these feelings it's not that bad, is it? We can't help feel what we feel, but we can help doing something that we're totally gonna regret afterwards like cheating on our OH.

    My situation with the guy got to a point that he came up to me on a night out and told me he's seriously attracted to me, by the way he's also married. So to make this story shorter, I basically don't go out with people at work anymore because I find it hard to resist, specially after a couple of drinks and I also avoid any situation in which we're bound to be alone.

    I do hope this goes away because it's not easy look at my husband without feeling like I've done something wrong, even if I didn't. I don't wanna tell hubby anything because I can't make sense of that myself. So!?

    1508095019
    lovelylumps [sign in to see picture]
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    Lu SB wrote:

    Well girls I so share this feeling and unfortunately the guilt that comes with it. I'm married, never, ever cheated on my hubby, but there's someone, also at work, that really messes with my sexual and emotional "stability". This has been going on for more than a year now and it doesn't get any better. I must admit I used to feel horrible, so guilt like if I were some kind of slut that goes with everyone, but I've been learning how to deal with that.

    You know what: I accept the fact the more I try don't think and fantasize about the guy, the more I do, it's insane, but it's true. I think as long as we don't act on these feelings it's not that bad, is it? We can't help feel what we feel, but we can help doing something that we're totally gonna regret afterwards like cheating on our OH.

    My situation with the guy got to a point that he came up to me on a night out and told me he's seriously attracted to me, by the way he's also married. So to make this story shorter, I basically don't go out with people at work anymore because I find it hard to resist, specially after a couple of drinks and I also avoid any situation in which we're bound to be alone.

    I do hope this goes away because it's not easy look at my husband without feeling like I've done something wrong, even if I didn't. I don't wanna tell hubby anything because I can't make sense of that myself. So!?

    This is so very very similar to me and I am the same in not wanting to tell my husband too. I can't help but feel bad for thinking things but like you say it's not bad if it's not acted upon. I have to face him tomorrow and already having thoughts about him! It probably doesn't help I've spoke about him lol x
    1508102524
    Davy Brown [sign in to see picture]
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    You always want more the person that is denied to you or that you are not supposed to be with. Grass is always greener!

    1508103129
    NatandTom [sign in to see picture]
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    I used to have a thing for a teacher at sixth form that I didn't particularly find attractive. I think it's human nature to fantasize about people or situations.

    If you have no intentions of acting upon your thoughts then you have nothing to feel guilty about. It's easier said than done though. Maybe just avoid one on one time with him where possible so your mind doesn't have any new material to work from and hope it fades out?

    1508107615
    Initiate [sign in to see picture]
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    Maybe your subconscious is trying to push you out of your comfort zone. Not sure, can't always control thoughts or feelings. Ask someone to put their hand down when they have stopped thing about a white polar bear ;) .

    1508111638
    wildflower [sign in to see picture]
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    I really wouldn't let this you worry you too much . You haven't done anything apart from having a few fantasies about this guy.
    I do understand the guilt thing though as I've had fantasies about men other than my OH and at first I felt like he could almost tell just by looking at me ! But over time I realised that innocent feelings like this ,as long as you don't act on them are perfectly natural and lots of us have them.
    For all I know my hubby probably has them too but it doesn't mean either of us has the intention to be unfaithful .
    It'll probably play itself out given time :)

    1508113310
    Eager-2-Please [sign in to see picture]
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    This is what happens when our natural animal instincts, thoughts, desires, feelings, emotions, etc come into conflict with our socially encoded behaviours that we're taught through society and culture to be the only "acceptable" or "proper" or "normal" way to think, feel, and behave.

    Nature vs. nurture.

    In short; no, there's absolutely nothing wrong with you for having these desires. It's perfectly natural. Are we, as animals, able to feel attraction for more than one single other person at the same time? Of course we are!

    The only ethical and/or moral issue is if and when we act on them against the consent/knowledge of our parter. As long as they're aware of it and are okay with it; fine. Just because you want to have sex with someone who isn't your partner it doesn't mean you feel any less for them. Just don't lie and cheat about it - which is, unfortunately, the path chosen by many as they don't even begin to imagine an alternative. Such is the power of our religious/socio-cultural programming.

    1508115763
    secret_scarlett [sign in to see picture]
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    Eager-2-Please wrote:

    This is what happens when our natural animal instincts, thoughts, desires, feelings, emotions, etc come into conflict with our socially encoded behaviours that we're taught through society and culture to be the only "acceptable" or "proper" or "normal" way to think, feel, and behave.

    Nature vs. nurture.

    In short; no, there's absolutely nothing wrong with you for having these desires. It's perfectly natural. Are we, as animals, able to feel attraction for more than one single other person at the same time? Of course we are!

    The only ethical and/or moral issue is if and when we act on them against the consent/knowledge of our parter. As long as they're aware of it and are okay with it; fine. Just because you want to have sex with someone who isn't your partner it doesn't mean you feel any less for them. Just don't lie and cheat about it - which is, unfortunately, the path chosen by many as they don't even begin to imagine an alternative. Such is the power of our religious/socio-cultural programming.

    +1 to this! Perfectly said 👌🏼 X
    1508140346
    lovelylumps [sign in to see picture]
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    Thank you all for your comments!

    They have made me feel a bit better on the situation and hopefully my guilt can be pushed aside in time. Like above, I do feel like my husband can instantly tell just by looking at me lol
    X

    1508149739
    Senator [sign in to see picture]
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    Would you get away with a "there's this new bloke at work, all the girls are gushing over him, they find him hot" type comment and then see where to conversation leads?

    You may need to be a bit careful of your responses if your OH is a bit insecure, a "sure he's hot and could park his slippers under my bed" said in the right fashion may be acceptable, but a "I can't stop thinking about him" type comment is likely to lead somewhere bad.

    1508154026
    Lovehoney - Jess Wilde [sign in to see picture]
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    Oh man, I can totally empathise with this situation having been there myself. Big time.

    For me the main worry was the fact that I would get excited to see "mr hottie" at work and, knowing myself from previous relationships, this isn't something I do when I'm fully satisfied in a relationship.

    I know it's different for everyone but, for me, when I'm head-over-heels for my partner, I go blind to anyone else being remotely attractive in a sexual way. I am very much an "eyes only for you" kinda gal when I'm happy, so the fact I was (still) noticing "mr hottie" meant, for me, that something wasn't right in my relationship.

    Secondly, and more importantly in my opinion, I would get more excited to see mr hottie at work than I would to see my OH. 

    And thirdly, I was stuggling to get mr hottie out of my mind when I wasn't at work. #AlarmBells

    For me, it's the hat trick which meant for me, something had to change. 

    I think in your situation, as long as the new guy at work is:

    a) just something nice to look at (like an out-of-your-budget dress in a window - you can still look!) 

    b) you have stronger feelings / intimate connection with your partner

    and c) you're not fantasising about the guy at work instead of your partner / your attraction to the guy at work isn't having a negative impact on your relationship with yourself or your OH...

    ... then you have nothing to worry about. 

    Do remember that a huge part of attraction is the "mystery" and right now, he is the new guy. There's a good chance your attraction will wear off as you get to know the guy better, and realise his "flaws". I know that sounds mean, but it's true. 

    If you get to know him better and your attraction grows or any of the above changes, then there may need to be an honest open conversation at some point.

    Please also remember that ALL of these feelings are completely natural, normal and part of human nature. In fact, many sexologists believe humans are not meant to be monogamous at all, so even though these feelings may not be convenient right now, they are totally natural and just part of what makes you, you! And the only reason you're feeling "bad" for them is because marriage comes with certain rules, commitments and promises which these feelings, if left unchecked or uncontrolled, could lead to one of those rules being broken.

    If we lived in another plane of existence, a society which had fewer expectations and rules for how love is expressed, chances are that the above would come with a lot less guilt. 

    I'm not sure how helpful that is... I just relate to this situation so much so thought I'd share my 2 cents! 

    1508273459
    lovelylumps [sign in to see picture]
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    Thank you!

    I have only just got round to reading the rest of these replies. Your comment makes so much sense x

    1508288577
    latex_lover [sign in to see picture]
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    Lovehoney - Jess Wilde wrote:

    Oh man, I can totally empathise with this situation having been there myself. Big time.

    For me the main worry was the fact that I would get excited to see "mr hottie" at work and, knowing myself from previous relationships, this isn't something I do when I'm fully satisfied in a relationship.

    I know it's different for everyone but, for me, when I'm head-over-heels for my partner, I go blind to anyone else being remotely attractive in a sexual way. I am very much an "eyes only for you" kinda gal when I'm happy, so the fact I was (still) noticing "mr hottie" meant, for me, that something wasn't right in my relationship.

    Secondly, and more importantly in my opinion, I would get more excited to see mr hottie at work than I would to see my OH.

    And thirdly, I was stuggling to get mr hottie out of my mind when I wasn't at work. #AlarmBells

    For me, it's the hat trick which meant for me, something had to change.

    I think in your situation, as long as the new guy at work is:

    a) just something nice to look at (like an out-of-your-budget dress in a window - you can still look!)

    b) you have stronger feelings / intimate connection with your partner

    and c) you're not fantasising about the guy at work instead of your partner / your attraction to the guy at work isn't having a negative impact on your relationship with yourself or your OH...

    ... then you have nothing to worry about.

    Do remember that a huge part of attraction is the "mystery" and right now, he is the new guy. There's a good chance your attraction will wear off as you get to know the guy better, and realise his "flaws". I know that sounds mean, but it's true.

    If you get to know him better and your attraction grows or any of the above changes, then there may need to be an honest open conversation at some point.

    Please also remember that ALL of these feelings are completely natural, normal and part of human nature. In fact, many sexologists believe humans are not meant to be monogamous at all, so even though these feelings may not be convenient right now, they are totally natural and just part of what makes you, you! And the only reason you're feeling "bad" for them is because marriage comes with certain rules, commitments and promises which these feelings, if left unchecked or uncontrolled, could lead to one of those rules being broken.

    If we lived in another plane of existence, a society which had fewer expectations and rules for how love is expressed, chances are that the above would come with a lot less guilt.

    I'm not sure how helpful that is... I just relate to this situation so much so thought I'd share my 2 cents!

    ^^ This. I wholeheartedly agree!
    1508321567
    mysteron [sign in to see picture]
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    I have been doing my weekly Lurk and this is another thread I think I can add to.

    I am hoping to be back proper around the Christmas Break when demands on my time will ease a little.

    Anyway Jess covered it very well but I thought I could add a little through personal experiences .

    As Jess pointed out what you have is natural behaviour and assuming he is in a relationship with another person as well the chances of anything deveolping are very slight . Its no different than saying watching a lifeguard walk past or any other type of "fantasy" stereotype uniformed person that we often fantasise about . The only chance of this developing any further is if both of you want it to. Only you can answer that one . This is how some affairs develop as they are not always planned. As long as your feelings are focussed on your partner then everything will be fine .

    Now a danger of this is if the other person is single and they want to persue it further or have some sort of obesseion about you . This has happened to me quite a few times and I must stress other than acknowleding in a politeful way I have done nothing wrong to encourage anything .An exemple is below

    Woman A is a very attractive 50 year old singleton ( my age group) .She made it perfectly clear that she liked me with the use of body language and accidently on purpose knocking my drink over to get attention . At this point she saw my Mrs arrving back from the ladies and apologised and bought me a replacement drink. She later came over and said to me " I respect very much that you are in a relationship and just going to leave it there ". She then later befriended my Mrs and are now very good friends . My role here. was just being that "Hottie"

    There have been other less savourable experiences with other singletons and poisonous comments have been directed at my Mrs in a vain attempt to drive a wedge between us . One woman ended up wearing her wine .Many of these women wish my Mrs was dead or out of the way .One of these was politley asked to leave the Nightclub by the Manager as my Mrs placed a complaint .This is a problem when it becomes an obsession .

    In your situation you will be fine and will just remain a fantasy . But just be careful that you dont do this thing too often or unintentionally encourage something as you could come accross someone perhaps more manipulative and develop an obsession about you .This is when it becomes a problem as I have experienced .

    To sum up you will be fine!

    1508969994
    Saucy Sarah [sign in to see picture]
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    Love honey Jess Wilde

    i agree we are not meant to just be with one person all our live shows it is natural animal instinct you think a lot of animals have more than one partner.

    I agree a society with less expectations would be better and this partly why lots of people cheat they are unhappy in current marriages and relationships and can't or won't get out of the situation therefore are looking for extra martial sex.

    this is common on online dating sites believe me I am single but have had my fair share of this type.

    saying that I believe in total faithfulness and that you should get out if unhappy rather than cheat.

    lots of people may disagree.

    just my opinion

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