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  1. One of us is a masochist, the other just isn't into it - can we make it work?

    1507223233
    Andila [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Major
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    • Joined: 20 Apr 2015

    Hey everyone!

    I had a very surprising discussion with my partner last week, and I don't really know how to proceed.

    My partner admitted to me that he just isn't into all the same things as me, as in, I am a masochist and very kinky in comparison to him. Whilst he is okay with doing kinky things, he just isn't into hurting me and said that he feels uncomfortable that I am alot more into kinky sex than he is. He said he had googled it, and that he doesn't know how we will make our relationship work with such a big difference in this way - one of us will always feel like they are losing out.

    I have discussed briefly being in an open relationship, but again he doesn't feel comfortable with that. I am okay with that. I want to discuss our kinks, independantly of each other..so we can see what common ground that we do have, what comprimises can be made and where the boundaries lie.

    We have been together for a few years, so this all came as a bit of a shock. I don't really know how to move forward so any experience or wisdom that you guys could share I would really appreciate.

    Thanks!

    1507225448
    Sex Squid [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 1433
    • Joined: 13 Sep 2006

    Absolutely it can work, as long as you both accept a little compromise, and are patient.

    For me, as someone who had always up til that point identified as submissive, and not a sadist, the first time I was with a masochist it didn't come naturally to me... until I realised just how much it turned her on. And then it struck home in that by doing that for her, I was still being submissive as it was what she was asking (telling) me to do. It still took baby steps, and I still don't get a huge kick out of inflicting pain, but I soon found that I was perfectly happy to oblige; not just spanking or paddling, but everything all the way up to choking and consensual non-consent roleplay (which really took me by surprise).

    The key thing is plenty of communication between you, and taking things super slow. Maybe have him be a lot rougher when you kiss, progress from squeezing your bum while you kiss, to giving it a hard pinch. Seeing your reaction will be what gives him confidence.

    Ultimately though, if it reaches a hard limit for him and you're not satisfied, you have to step back and re-evaluate if you're both ok with what you're both comfortable with.

    Good luck! X

    1507234200
    Modo [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: General
    • Posts: 853
    • Joined: 20 May 2015

    Sex Squid wrote:

    Absolutely it can work, as long as you both accept a little compromise, and are patient.

    For me, as someone who had always up til that point identified as submissive, and not a sadist, the first time I was with a masochist it didn't come naturally to me... until I realised just how much it turned her on. And then it struck home in that by doing that for her, I was still being submissive as it was what she was asking (telling) me to do. It still took baby steps, and I still don't get a huge kick out of inflicting pain, but I soon found that I was perfectly happy to oblige; not just spanking or paddling, but everything all the way up to choking and consensual non-consent roleplay (which really took me by surprise).

    The key thing is plenty of communication between you, and taking things super slow. Maybe have him be a lot rougher when you kiss, progress from squeezing your bum while you kiss, to giving it a hard pinch. Seeing your reaction will be what gives him confidence.

    Ultimately though, if it reaches a hard limit for him and you're not satisfied, you have to step back and re-evaluate if you're both ok with what you're both comfortable with.

    Good luck! X

    Could not have put it better myself.

    I suspect a non sadist might be better at play as they would not be distracted by their own enjoyment. I am fascinated by the way other people are turned on by their kinks and love to experiment.

    1507234555
    KingGrthy [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Brigadier
    • Posts: 228
    • Joined: 1 May 2016

    Tough spot honestly, difficult for anyone to give advice. You havent said but I do wonder, is your sex drive much higher than his? Anyway, I guess there is always a question of what kind of masochistic desires you have, how hard core so to speak. On the extreme end only a few people out there would be happy sadists, at least at first. But if your talking about sane stuff then then I think there plenty of possibilities for things to work. If hes worth it and you want to be with him long term, then ask him if you can incorporate s&m a little at a time. Exposure is a natural desensitiser so even if he feels a little weird spanking you for example, after hes done it 5-6 times, it wont feel so weird and you can take another step. Over time, you might get him comfortable with, and who knows, even enjoying devising diablical ways to pleasure you with pain. Of course you cant do this by subterfuge, he would have to be a willing participant, just need to find the level of play that he is ok with as a start and go from there and go slowly.

    1507293765
    Andila [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Major
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    • Joined: 20 Apr 2015

    Thanks guys, you are definitely right and if I'm totally honest - I do think that when we had our break of a year (been together 3 total) I rediscovered my love of these things, so what was our "normal" before we broke up is kinda (alot) different! I think maybe I have shoved in him in the deep end, and probably given him a bit of a fright haha..

    I will try dialling down a bit so we can find out balance again, maybe work up from there..and clearly we do need to communicate more. I just feel bloody terrible that he's been holding all this worry inside for months and hasn't said a word, but gotta start somewhere!

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