• Wait! We think you’re in the US - Lovehoney.com is a better site for you.
    Shop there and get 10% off!
    United States Flag
    Go to Lovehoney.com
  1. Relationship Problem: All advice welcome

    1506959720
    teacake [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Colonel
    • Posts: 288
    • Joined: 24 Oct 2011

    Hi

    I dont know what to do any more.

    when me and my OH have the day together sex and forplay is great but say we only have a hour together, i will pleasure her she will have orgasms but then there is no time for me.

    fair enough i can wait till later on that day but thats it when we are together again she just forgets about me.

    its like she has had her pleasure that day so no need to worry about my pleasure. 

    she knows it hurts me when we are together again that day and she hasn't bothered with me.

    I have had a converstaion with her before but it never sinks into her because if we get to that same situation say a week later where she gets pleasured and i dont then it starts all over gain me feeling hurt.

    1506967097
    wildflower [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 4727
    • Joined: 17 Jul 2013

    Not really sure what to suggest here other than another chat about it . Maybe you could both come to an agreement to take turns at being pleasured first if time alone together is limited ?

    1506968554
    MGB93 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Major
    • Posts: 24
    • Joined: 26 Jul 2015

    I agree with wildflower that talking about it together is important. Maybe you could incorporate play that provides pleasure for both of you at the same time?

    1506970211
    Sex Squid [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 1375
    • Joined: 13 Sep 2006

    Agree with the above that more talk is needed. Why does it have to be either going first if time is limited. Why not mutual masturbation laying on your sides?

    1506974246
    Aims85 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Major General
    • Posts: 458
    • Joined: 14 Dec 2016

    That's not fair on you at all....can you suggest a 69 so you both benefit? It's all about give and take not take take take xx talk to her again, let her know you have needs and wants too.

    1506978347
    Laveila [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 2045
    • Joined: 8 Nov 2010

    I would only be able to suggest communication. There is otherwise no advice to be offered. Apart from being honest and open during the communication, but try to keep it without too much offence towards each other.

    1506978555
    lovingnewtoys [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 5026
    • Joined: 16 Jan 2016

    Can only echo what's been said already - communication definitely key here.

    Let us know what happens xx

    1506980113
    teacake [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Colonel
    • Posts: 288
    • Joined: 24 Oct 2011

    Thanks will some how have to bring up the conversation and see where it goes from there nice suggestions

    Will let you know how it goes

    1507017185
    Couple looking to spice things up [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 3387
    • Joined: 22 Jul 2015

    Is time is limited what about trying mutual masturbation? Or a quick game? We have a 'sexy' dice game which get things moving quite quickly for both of us.

    1507023366
    Lovehoney - Jess Wilde [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 2157
    • Joined: 30 Nov 2012

    Yeah I agree that a good honest talk is important but you must remember that sexual pleasure isn't a "tit-for-tat" game.

    Ideally, you shouldn't give your partner pleasure because you want it back - you should give it because you want to, freely and without expectations. To have an expectation that if you pleasure her you're going to get something back really begins testing the line of consent and majorly pressurises sex for the other person. 

    I had an ex who also would feel hurt when there wasn't an almost immediate gratification after I'd "received mine" and for me. it was one of the biggest turn offs ever. It made me feel really stressed about sex and stopped me being able to enjoy any pleasure he gave me towards the end because it felt like he was only pleasuring me to "get his". It kind of snuffed out the magic for me. 

    Not to mention, if you've done the sterling job you describe of getting her off, then it's no surprise she's not horny later, because you've fully satisfied her (hooray!) I wouldn't be horny later that day either as my horn would have been blown for the day. This is a perfect opportunity, if you need some satisfaction, to enjoy some solo play. 

    Do you really want her to make a move on you for the sake of "levelling the playing field" even though she isn't horny, or would you rather her jump you because she just HAS to?! (I know which I'd prefer.)

    I would ask yourself the following:

    Why does it hurt you so much when you don't get "it" back? 

    What would change if you agreed that you would receive pleasure back quickly after giving? 

    Why is it so important that your returned pleasure happens that same day?

    Does she ever give you selfish pleasure? Across a year, would you say it evens out?

    Does she do other things for you that aren't sex that you don't return the favour on? (Cooking / cleaning / child/petcare for example.)

    Other thoughts...

    Maybe quickies just don't work for you guys? Perhaps in those one hour sessions you can explore something else like mutual masturbation, or a 69? Something where there is a little more equal participation at the time.

    Why not agree that if one of you receives selfish pleasure, the favour will be returned, but leave it more open to when it happens. Maybe, you can agree that the "payback" happens within that month, for example? Or you can make it more tongue in cheek and write IOU cheques!

    I don't usually advocate this, but sometimes there is the time and the place: Skip foreplay all together! When you have an hour, have a quick warm up and go straight to sex. Know you have an hour free later that day? Your OH can wear a love egg or similar to warm up ready for a quick sesh later. 

    Plan selfish sex nights. Ok so this won't help with the spontaneous sex balance, but if you know that on the 21st of the month, you've booked in a selfish night, when you pleasure her on the 12th of the month and don't get it back, it's cool coz you know that you have a fun night coming in a couple of weeks. It may help soften the blow (so to speak!!)

    Anyway - I thought I'd give my 2 cents as I've been in a very similar situation but from the other side of the coin. 

    Definitely talk openly about why this hurts you / and why she doesn't think about it as much as you. I'm sure you can come to a compromise. 

    1507034534
    LIL_KNOWN69 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 742
    • Joined: 9 Oct 2005

    Jess has pretty much hit every single nail possible. I really do agree with not "expecting" anything back in return because then sex is kind of selfish. If you are unhappy then you need to speak to your partner but unfortunately men and women are very different and if the pressure is on to make you happy then it's going to be seen as a "chore" rather than fun or sexy.


    It's a very difficult situation as you need to approach this in a very sensible and grown-up way, if you feel you're not getting enough blowjobs or a particular thing then you can't suddenly expect a partner to do them as that does go down the road of being pressured and borders down the consent road as it's not being forceful physically but mentally. We all would like more sex in our lives but if you do have to stick to the hour then I'd suggest trying new positions where you can both enjoy each other like others have suggested such as 69.

    You can also play with yourself while you pleasure your partner and who knows what will happen next. Find out what makes your partner really tick and have a conversation with her, just remember no one is wrong or right. You just want to let her know you would like some more of her attention without making her feel the pressure and heaviness of guilt. In my eyes, it looks like you enjoy pleasuring her which is great but unless you speak to her she won't think anything is wrong, also as Jess said about being satisfied. She's fully satisfied for the day so chances are the last thing on her mind is sex.

    Hopefully you can have a nice and honest chat with your partner and get to the bottom of all this.

    1507037296
    4Uonly [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant Colonel
    • Posts: 265
    • Joined: 11 Nov 2016

    Ya, like everyone said, COMMUNICATION.
    Did this problem surfaced lately or since beginning.

    1507038496
    teacake [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Colonel
    • Posts: 288
    • Joined: 24 Oct 2011

    Its not that i'm expecting anything in return but this happens all the time, I must say i'm more of a giver i like to give pleasure so i guess this is my own fault as when we have short time i'm wanting to give her pleasure than me getting it. I just need to get it through somehow it would be nice remembering what we got up to and for her to surprise me later on.

    We are going to chat about it later

    1507038888
    LIL_KNOWN69 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 742
    • Joined: 9 Oct 2005

    Honestly it's nothing to get yourself stressed up with, just have a chat about things and see how it goes. I'm like you and love to give so within the past 6 years or so Iv probably had about 13 blowjobs ha. But I just enjoy making her happy and I take any time that I'm alone to catch up on any lost orgasms ha!

    I'm sure it will all work out so good luck and have fun! Communication is always key!

    Post a reply to this thread

    Please sign in to post messages to the forum.