1. Dwindling attraction

    Anony123 [sign in to see picture]
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    Hello! I am new here 👋🏻 This is a very difficult first post to write, so please be gentle with me as I know this will sound awful! I'm hoping that this is a safe place to discuss this.

    I am engaged to a wonderful man. We have been together for the best part of a decade, and I love him very much. However, over the years we have both changed physically, and I find myself no longer sexually attracted to him. 😔 When we have sex I still feel the emotional connection that we've always had, but I'm just not turned on by him anymore, and I feel so guilty for it. I dont want to discuss this with him as it would hurt his feelings & his confidence, also I feel that it's my own problem anyway, not his.

    I'm positive that I want to spend the rest of my life with this man, and whilst sex isn't top of the list, sex & attraction are an important part of that I think. It's difficult for me to want to want to have sex at the moment, except to share the emotional connection, but I don't enjoy it like I used to. I don't want him to pick up on this, and I'm worried that he will do soon (he may already be). I feel like the worst partner in the world, especially as he's always found me incredibly attractive, whatever I've looked like. Is this just something that happens in long term relationships, and is there any way I can get past it?

    WillC [sign in to see picture]
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    What`s changed physically? Hair loss/greying? That`s beyond his control unless he dyes it.If it`s weight gain,why not suggest he join you in dieting/exercising? We all age,so if you love him you just have to accept the things you cannot change.

    Anony123 [sign in to see picture]
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    Hair loss and aging etc don't bother me. He has always been overweight, but I've still found him very attractive, although his weight gain has got really excessive now and he looks completely different. I have also gained weight, but I've been working towards losing it and I'm doing well so far. I have encouraged him to join me so that we can support each other, but he's not really serious about it. I don't want to push the subject any more than that because I don't feel that he should have to change unless he really wants to, and I will always love him no matter what he looks like, it's just something I've got to overcome in the bedroom.

    I know I sound really evil, but it's really not like that. I just want to feel the same spark that I used to as our sex life is suffering. 😔

    Amethyst2 [sign in to see picture]
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    I agree with you Hun, I have been with my partner 8 years and as much as I love him I feel I am no longer in live with him. Not had sex for months and a kiss when he leaves for work does nothing for me anymore, it's been mentioned before and we did separate however I got back with him for the sake of our son. He has slowly made changes but it hasn't changed how I feel at all.

    Id like to say listen to yourself and what you want, we all need and deserve happiness but I know that's easier said than done x


    [suspended user]

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    There always got to b a spark keep try to relight the fire!! 😉 Or get some new wood :-)

    Terri JJ [sign in to see picture]
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    Firstly Hi and welcome to the forums xx

    You certainly don't sound 'awful' or 'evil' to me. You sound like someone who has become stuck in a rut. When you been with a partner for a number of years this can sometimes happen. I'm certain you still love your man and as you've said, the emotional connection is still there. I'd suggest you take things back a bit. Try a few dates nights, whatever you both enjoy. Maybe a nice night out for a meal. Both make the effort to dress nicely and leave phones etc in the car.....just enjoy each others company. Sexy underwear under your outer clothes adds to the feel of things. Get yourself a few new 'things' for the bedroom. Sexy lingerie for you both..... Lovehoney sell a great range for both men and women so maybe you could have a browse together. Make a wish list of things you both like and then buy each something off each others list. Keep it a secret what you've both bought and agree on a suitable night to wear them for each other. Buy a new toy which you can play with together. Take a can of squirty cream to bed 😉

    It just sounds as though the spark in your relationship has become more of a damp squib. Spicing things up in the bedroom should help as well as cuddling, kissing eyc. Touching is important too .....not just during sex but generally. A squeeze of a bum, an arm around your partner etc

    Good !uck and keep us posted xx

    Curvy Cleo [sign in to see picture]
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    you are not evil at all! I have been in your exact position, and I just sat him down and told him that the way both of us looked was really affecting my confidence, and sexual-ness and that I felt we both had to take steps to keep ourselves attractive for the other one. we struggle really badly with motivatoin but both log into myfitnesspal daily and are taking steps to do more exercise. All I can suggest is to tell him, but be gentle and truthfull over all

    Heidi920 [sign in to see picture]
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    I agree with Terri, take things back to basics a little in order to rekindle that attraction. When You're out together talk about the fond memories of when You first met and How you came together in the first place. I think some Times we all go though a stale patch. I have found sex toys and trying new things have really helped see my OH in a different light than before when we had quite a vanilla relationship. The fact you have that emotional connection still is a good basis to build on.
    Hope you can move Forward x

    Eager-2-Please [sign in to see picture]
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    You're not evil or a bad partner or anything like that. If the weight gain is excessive and he's completely different physically than when you met him (again, beyond just normal/natural aging), then I think it's pretty natural for you to feel differently towards him on a physical level, and it's not something you can help. So try to stop beating yourself up so much about it.

    There is another angle to this, though, with excessive weight gain there's probably some very real and very dangerous health issues on the horizon, if not already, especially as the years tick by. So, if I were you I'd side-step the full-on ego blow and tell him you're worried about his health and his future health, and you want to live a more healthy lifestyle together, that will give you both a longer, better life. Maybe say you were reading and came across a scary statistic or something like that and it's playing constantly on your mind.

    Some might say that absolute honesty is always the best policy, and they might be right, and "cruel to be kind" etc, but the sad truth is, that telling him "I don't find you attractive anymore/you no longer sexually excite me" is going to hurt, bad. No matter how gently or with how much love you say it. There is a danger of crushing any confidence to motivate his self-improvement, rather than light a fire under it - which would be the perfect reaction, but there's no way to tell which way he'll go until you do it.

    Not an easy situation to be in, at all. I feel for you, but give the health angle a thought. Not only because it might be an easier conversation for you, but because it's probably a genuine concern that he may need to be made aware of.

    Good luck, and take care.


    [suspended user]

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    I felt compelled to respond to this as it closely mirrored my own situation . I have aleady attempted responding once but it time me out so I will try and shorten it .

    Firstly I really beleive that you love your partner hence asking for help which requires a lot of bottle and courage in doing so .

    I think the first part Terri JJ answered perfectly and its somthing that we did some 3years ago to put the spark back into our relationship .

    The other element is the weight loss side. The problems of being over weight are far two numerous to list and shouldnt be ignored . I dont know how old your guy is but if he is over 40 then he should be invited to his Doctors surgery for a check up and blood test etc for diabeties. Enourage him to do this and find out his weight.

    Taking control of the weekly shopping and start shopping for lower fat alrernatives to his favourite foods can help too. Limit takeaways and if possible stop them altoghther. The food from these places are litterally killers as many are laden with fats. Consult the "Get it Off support Thread" for other ideas and details of my journey which is vert pertient with me being a guy and those of the ladies journies as well.

    Check out You tube for ideas aboiut excercising together. Excersing at home can be made as sexy as you want without restrictions . Oh and the shower together is very enjoyable as well .

    For your own refernce I was an 18 and a half stone blob some 4 years ago . I am now 12 stone and fitter than I was in my 20s. I understand how you feel about your partner not now being attrractive as I was the same and my Mrs felt the same. She has now got the problem of keeping the single ladies off me now. From a shaggy beared very tramp looking as I was then to a well groomed Silver Fox as I am now. As the advert goes "A Nicer problem to have" When your guy loses weight from his face I am sure you will find him very attractive again.

    My message is to encourage and to support your guy and together you can make it work .

    Message to the rest of you Guys

    Love you all and thinking of you and thanks for the messages of support and when things have quietened down a little I will be back probably initially around the Christmas break . Sum Sub if you are reading this then please come bacl also . I am missing you buddy .

    BigInBerks [sign in to see picture]
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    My wife gave me a right good rollicking a few months back for being over-weight. She'd been needling me for years, which just drives me to carry on before. I needed the rollicking. Now back down to medium clothes instead of large, as a result of daily exercise and a big change in eating/drinking habits.

    ​So glad she shouted at me :D

    Initiate [sign in to see picture]
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    People often get comfortable and don't realise. They also often means to make changes but just get to busy.
    If something bothers you or would help you of different don't be afraid or worried to keep discussing it. Try and fully explain that if x was different or better you would have a higher sex drive. It really will help ;)
    Try to make things exciting again. Maybe they got a bit boring and it's always the same thing. Lie down in bed kiss a bit, touch a little, sex and sleep (or something like it).

    If your commited and serious about rest of lives then that could be a long time. How long can you keep going before things get worse?
    Try to sit down regularly and talk properly and openly.

    Good luck

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