Poor Effort

My partner says I can sometimes be selfish in bed and I'm stuggling to see how I can improve on this.

He doesn't like it much when I go on top which makes me think I'm doing something wrong perhaps?

I'm more than happy to give oral and I'll go along with whatever he wants to do. I move along with him but find that more often than not we are going at different speeds and it gets a little off putting.

How can I improve on this? I want to blow him away, not push him away.

Nothing beats intel straight from the horse's mouth. He's done the right thing and opened up about something he feels unsatisfied with, that's the difficult part done. Now the platform is open for discussion, so... talk about it with him. Tell him you're glad he's opened up about it and you're eager and willing to address the issue, but you need as much info and details from him in order to do that.

We could all tell you that you need to do this, do that, more of this, less of that, etc... but without knowing what he actually wants from you, we're in the dark here.

mbas94 wrote:

My partner says I can sometimes be selfish in bed and I'm stuggling to see how I can improve on this.

He doesn't like it much when I go on top which makes me think I'm doing something wrong perhaps?

I'm more than happy to give oral and I'll go along with whatever he wants to do. I move along with him but find that more often than not we are going at different speeds and it gets a little off putting.

How can I improve on this? I want to blow him away, not push him away.

Hi mbas94, I have a similar issue with my boyfriend. I feel he's a little selfish in bed spending little or no time for me, just maybe a few mins of oral ect... not sure if he thinks its pointless as I can't orgasm through penetration and so assumes I can't with any other method, which isn't the case-it just takes me longer. I crave wanting to be able to tell him but I just can't bring myself to. Have you thought about investing in some better sex books or reading online together for ideas? Maybe even some fun classes you could attend and have a laugh and fun together in the process? Or, go back to basics and pretend you've only just met and need to get to know each other sexually again, kind of like re-training one another to tune in to what each of you really like and want?

It seems to be one of the hardest things to do in a relationship, talk about whats not working in the bedroom, or, what is ok but could be better, but its a discussion that has to happen for things to change.

Insanity is repeating the same action, expecting different results.

Talking outside the bedroom seems to be the most accepted non threatening way to broach the subject.

As you seem to be keen to please him, it may be a little easier, but tell him you are open to making things better, you can either tell him what you are prepared to do, or, what you are not prepared to do (ie, we can do anything but.....).

Maybe you could try one of the adult games sold here on Lovehoney that has various positions, kinks, activities etc?

It doesn't sound like he wants you in control, so tie / tease may not be a goer, but it comes down to that chat about whats on or off the table.

In the bedroom, I don't think there's such a thing as "doing something wrong" unless of course a person is being unsafe in their actions.

If he doesn't like it when your on top it may be that you need to explore different techniques. What works for one partner doesn't work for an other and that's ok. It doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong. Maybe try leaning forward, leaning back, asking him thrust upwards and take control, try squatting or sitting in reverse. There's ton of things to try. If none of those things seem to improve his responses then it might just be a case of those positions not working for him. My partner and I have ruled out several positions that don't hit the spot for us. Neither of us are doing anything wrong, there are just other positions that work better.

A tip for oral - if my partner is thrusting into my mouth I tend to keep my head still and allow him to control the pace for a while. Ask him beforehand what he wants. Ask throughout 'does that feel good?' and ask him to guide you through it. It may not sexy but it definitely can be a great help to get some direction.

So I tried the sitting in reverse and it was fabulous, he loved it, I loved it.

I'm also keen to try talking about this away from the bedroom as I can see how this will take less pressure off the situation. We are going away soon for a weekend break and I've purchased a delightful little number from the site. Hoping a change in scenary, outfit and environment may encourage a change in activities and usual behaviour.

Thank you to all :)