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  1. Selfish lover?

    1503958828
    smellycat19 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Captain
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    • Joined: 26 Feb 2015

    Not sure how to start this so I'll get straight to it. I've been a bit annoyed and frustrated with my boyfriend recently as it seems I feel he is being selfish in the bedroom.

    I struggle to orgasm through penetration and although I very much enjoy the sex anyway and he knows this both about the struggle for me to orgasm and enjoyment of the sex with him regardless, there is no end result for me. He sometimes uses just his hands to try and help me along or oral sex but it can take me a while to get there, but it seems he either naively thinks it's done the trick when it's obviously it hasn't (and I have never nor would ever fake it or lie), or he just gets bored and stops and I haven't gotten anywhere near orgasm. I don't particularly like his technique anyway as although unintentional he can be a bit rough handed. Something I feel perhaps was the way his ex liked it maybe and just doesn't get it that not every woman will like it that way? Not sure if she struggled too?

    Anyway, it even goes so far as he was quite tired the other eve (very busy weekend for us) and just decided to stop having sex with me as he was extremely tired!!! He did reiterate the fact.he really wanted to continue but was so knackered. I never nor ever would stop right in the middle of giving him a hand/blow job unless he wanted or asked me to. it's damn rude and just plain selfish.

    I don't know how or what to say to him, without seeming critical/angry/desperate ect.... I don't think it's ignorance (or at least I hope not as he says he wants to please me/make me happy) and he's a genuine guy.

    I feel so frustrated and angry both emotionally and sexually. I'm not one to ask for things in the bedroom. I know sometimes it's a case of don't ask, don't get but for me this is on principle! whereas he has no hesitation asking for what he wants in bed at the time. I'm so annoyed at him, I have never orgasmed since I've been with him. Far cry from my ex, although I shouldn't and don't want to compare. I just feel my pleasure is being overlooked. Shame really as our relationship although still new, is brilliant in other aspects.

    1503961249
    ScumptiousDumptious [sign in to see picture]
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    I see this as you have 3 choices.
    1- Say nothing and hope your sex life and his technique improves! 😂
    2- Masturbate before sex so his minimal effort will get a result 😕
    3- Communication. You need to find somewhere neutral that you can talk about what you both need / want sexually and then work on it together.
    Maybe you could show him what you like what turns you on. 😊
    * I do realise Easier said than done.
    Good luck x

    1503961580
    smellycat19 [sign in to see picture]
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    Thanks scrumptiousdumptious. I do find it awkward talking about this kind of stuff. I've tried showing him but it's hard work, either isn't taking the hint or isn't bothered. I have noticed it outside the bedroom too actually with silly things and what I would call selfishness. I think perhaps where he's a little more sure of himself and slightly more dominant, it's coming across selfish but I feel I'm only making excuses for him now!

    1503989774
    ScumptiousDumptious [sign in to see picture]
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    We've all been in a relationship like you're in.

    I'm not making excuses .......but if he doesn't know he's being selfish how can you expect him to change? Maybe talk to him see if things change. Don't nag ! Give him a compliment "I love it when you ????????" " Could you do it for longer. " boost his ego and ask for what you want at the same time.
    If the relationship is not going to change you may have to be selfish and ask yourself "Is this what I want?"
    Good luck

    1503991899
    Senator [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant Colonel
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    • Joined: 11 Jun 2017

    Lifes too short to put up with bad sex.

    Do you offer him encouragement when he is using his hands or oral "OMG dont stop, there, keep going, that feels so good etc etc etc" .

    "In general" men aren't as adept at reading subtle signs, a look on your face or change in your breathing etc may not be enough to let him know he is on the right track, if he doesn't get told that hes doing something right, it may be discouraging him from doing more.

    If hes dominant outside the bedroom, maybe he wants to be dominated inside the bedroom. Do you engage in kinky play, light BDSM, restraints etc? Maybe tie him up and get him worked up by playing / toying yourself infront of him without him being able to do anything about it etc

    I have found communication of what we liked best etc was so much improved after my OH and I started light bondage / spanking etc

    1504007245
    mysteron [sign in to see picture]
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    My view is that he may need guidance but may not want to admit to it. He may not be as experienced as he claims to be. So just guide him using your hand etc. I still get occasional guidance from my Mrs with her hand and we have been together for over 25 years . Even after this long I still dont know every nook and crannny . Again its all down to communication .

    In relationships its quite rare to get someone 100% perfect and as such compromises are sometimes needed. It is important for partners to work together to make things better and as long as you both are committed to this ,your relationship will develop over time .

    1504008899
    LIL_KNOWN69 [sign in to see picture]
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    Communication is key in all aspects of relationships, if he is being selfish then you need to tell him your unhappy. If he doesn't have the respect to listen to you then maybe even if everything else is going well this could be a huge hurdle to overcome.
    Men can be quite odd creatures and we tend to learn by repetition, a lot of people don't understand everyone is different so techniques will change, they usually go with something an ex has taught or something that seemed to work in the past.

    the best thing to do is have a chat with him, and make sure he listens. If things don't improve then you need to ask yourself would you be happy with the sex life for the rest of your life or maybe could you find someone more suited?. Sex toys will obviously help a lot but if his heavy handed you may just want to tell him to be more gentle before going down that route. I know it's awkward to discuss these things as you don't want to hurt people's feelings but if his making you feel frustrated and his being selfish then you need to confront him as soon as possible.

    1504013105
    Lu SB [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi SmellyCat all of the advice here is great, but what stands it out for me is the fact that you need communication, without it nothing is gonna change or you might decide to do like Scumptions suggested: "say nothing and hopes things improve". In my own experience, that rarely works and it just goes for things that are out of control and in the meantime you guys start arguing, fighting and everything turns sour.

    Even when you're in a long term relationship, guidance and a bit of extra help are always welcome. You need to get talking outside the bedroom, because you don't wanna be tormented by this feeling that you're making excuses up for him. I know I've been in relationshiops before that were not that great, but hey the sex was amazing, so things were going on as long as the sex was good and after we parted ways. But if you think the sex and his selfish attitude are s leaving you pretty unsatisfyed and upset, you need to tell him and find a way where you guys improve on that, that is if you want this relationship to carry on.

    On a shor term, I think masturbating before sounds like something you could go for it. Or perhaps you can do it in front of him and hopefully when he sees it, he'll have a better idea what you need to get it there. I too take ages to reach an orgasm if I'm not really turned on and if my hubby knows that , he is totally cool with masturbation or us using a few toys when we don't have all the time, energy, mental dispostion, etc to make sex as great as we'd like too.

    Hope you work things out...

    1504015213
    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    smellycat19 wrote

    I struggle to orgasm through penetration and although I very much enjoy the sex anyway and he knows this both about the struggle for me to orgasm and enjoyment of the sex with him regardless, there is no end result for me.

    Maybe he is assuming that as you struggle to orgasm, but you still enjoy the sex with him; may as well just get on with things as is. And spending time going down on you is a bit of a waste of effort, as you still don't cum; ( lazy guy syndrome), he has become complacent.

    You need to talk to him and correct this assumption. You don't need to come over as being critical; guys love to fix things ( yeah I know sometimes thats such a pain), but in this case it maybe an easy in for you . So just tell him that you are feeling frustrated about this issue you have over orgasm, and you are sorry but even though you enjoy the sex to some extent, it's becoming too much; and ask him if he would help you with this issue, by working on it together.

    tell him you are sorry that it may mean him having to spend some fair bit of time on getting you there, and that you will have to give him feed back, on how things you try, length of time doing something, are going, as it is likly to take you sometime to get off, on each occasion. And he will have to be patient with you, but it is going to benifit you both in the long term.

    This way you don't go after him for being selfish, but are asking for help. I know you don't like doing this; and yes it can be great if a guy picks up on this kind of thing all on his own. But I think you have found out this is not going to happen with this guy; you are going to have to just get the ball rolling yourself, at least to start with.

    1504017049
    kittencub [sign in to see picture]
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    Hugs you could be me as I was with ex, first try and communicate, I tried this he refused to admit admit a problem I ended up taking no interest in sex just would tell him to get on with it, now I don't want this for you, if things don't improve buy toys for yourself make time with you toys, if he asks about them tell him, you either don't listen or care, so although I love you I'm taking care of myself, he will either realise he joins in or hell miss out on pleasure you enjoy. Never feel guilty about this, oh and save or get nicest toys ect for you. Hugs again.

    1504020273
    Terri JJ [sign in to see picture]
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    Alicia4Ever wrote:

    smellycat19 wrote

    I struggle to orgasm through penetration and although I very much enjoy the sex anyway and he knows this both about the struggle for me to orgasm and enjoyment of the sex with him regardless, there is no end result for me.

    Maybe he is assuming that as you struggle to orgasm, but you still enjoy the sex with him; may as well just get on with things as is. And spending time going down on you is a bit of a waste of effort, as you still don't cum; ( lazy guy syndrome), he has become complacent.

    You need to talk to him and correct this assumption. You don't need to come over as being critical; guys love to fix things ( yeah I know sometimes thats such a pain), but in this case it maybe an easy in for you . So just tell him that you are feeling frustrated about this issue you have over orgasm, and you are sorry but even though you enjoy the sex to some extent, it's becoming too much; and ask him if he would help you with this issue, by working on it together.

    tell him you are sorry that it may mean him having to spend some fair bit of time on getting you there, and that you will have to give him feed back, on how things you try, length of time doing something, are going, as it is likly to take you sometime to get off, on each occasion. And he will have to be patient with you, but it is going to benifit you both in the long term.

    This way you don't go after him for being selfish, but are asking for help. I know you don't like doing this; and yes it can be great if a guy picks up on this kind of thing all on his own. But I think you have found out this is not going to happen with this guy; you are going to have to just get the ball rolling yourself, at least to start with.

    This a great idea ! I'm sure he will want to help you with this....he'll feel that he's done something extremely important for you. He definitely will have and will be able to give himself a big pat on the back 😉 xx

    1504033258
    smellycat19 [sign in to see picture]
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    Alicia4Ever wrote:

    smellycat19 wrote

    I struggle to orgasm through penetration and although I very much enjoy the sex anyway and he knows this both about the struggle for me to orgasm and enjoyment of the sex with him regardless, there is no end result for me.

    Maybe he is assuming that as you struggle to orgasm, but you still enjoy the sex with him; may as well just get on with things as is. And spending time going down on you is a bit of a waste of effort, as you still don't cum; ( lazy guy syndrome), he has become complacent.

    You need to talk to him and correct this assumption. You don't need to come over as being critical; guys love to fix things ( yeah I know sometimes thats such a pain), but in this case it maybe an easy in for you . So just tell him that you are feeling frustrated about this issue you have over orgasm, and you are sorry but even though you enjoy the sex to some extent, it's becoming too much; and ask him if he would help you with this issue, by working on it together.

    tell him you are sorry that it may mean him having to spend some fair bit of time on getting you there, and that you will have to give him feed back, on how things you try, length of time doing something, are going, as it is likly to take you sometime to get off, on each occasion. And he will have to be patient with you, but it is going to benifit you both in the long term.

    This way you don't go after him for being selfish, but are asking for help. I know you don't like doing this; and yes it can be great if a guy picks up on this kind of thing all on his own. But I think you have found out this is not going to happen with this guy; you are going to have to just get the ball rolling yourself, at least to start with.

    I think you may have hit the nail on the head there. In the earlier days he did try to ask me what I liked as his words were 'i want to make you happy' It was very early in our relationship before we'd become official so I wasn't quite ready to discuss in detail but now I don't know how to reapproach the subject? Thank you all for your advice. Think I'll just have to bite the bullet and talk to him, perhaps next time when we are intimate and try to show him ect...?
    1504033765
    Tiger Dick [sign in to see picture]
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    smellycat19 wrote:

    Alicia4Ever wrote:

    smellycat19 wrote

    I struggle to orgasm through penetration and although I very much enjoy the sex anyway and he knows this both about the struggle for me to orgasm and enjoyment of the sex with him regardless, there is no end result for me.

    Maybe he is assuming that as you struggle to orgasm, but you still enjoy the sex with him; may as well just get on with things as is. And spending time going down on you is a bit of a waste of effort, as you still don't cum; ( lazy guy syndrome), he has become complacent.

    You need to talk to him and correct this assumption. You don't need to come over as being critical; guys love to fix things ( yeah I know sometimes thats such a pain), but in this case it maybe an easy in for you . So just tell him that you are feeling frustrated about this issue you have over orgasm, and you are sorry but even though you enjoy the sex to some extent, it's becoming too much; and ask him if he would help you with this issue, by working on it together.

    tell him you are sorry that it may mean him having to spend some fair bit of time on getting you there, and that you will have to give him feed back, on how things you try, length of time doing something, are going, as it is likly to take you sometime to get off, on each occasion. And he will have to be patient with you, but it is going to benifit you both in the long term.

    This way you don't go after him for being selfish, but are asking for help. I know you don't like doing this; and yes it can be great if a guy picks up on this kind of thing all on his own. But I think you have found out this is not going to happen with this guy; you are going to have to just get the ball rolling yourself, at least to start with.

    I think you may have hit the nail on the head there. In the earlier days he did try to ask me what I liked as his words were 'i want to make you happy' It was very early in our relationship before we'd become official so I wasn't quite ready to discuss in detail but now I don't know how to reapproach the subject? Thank you all for your advice. Think I'll just have to bite the bullet and talk to him, perhaps next time when we are intimate and try to show him ect...?

    Make it into a game, tie him to a chair and make him watch, then reward him IF he can do likewise...

    1504035223
    smellycat19 [sign in to see picture]
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    Good idea Tiger Dick!

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