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  1. Help! Orgasms?!

    Tillsandthirlls [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Officer Cadet
    • Posts: 3
    • Joined: 10 Nov 2014

    Hi All!

    So, long story short.
    I'm losing the will to Orgasm. I probably shouldn't say losing as my ability to Orgasm was so minimal anyway.

    My OH and I have been together 19 months and in that time I'm still yet to have an Orgasm from sex (I'm female he's male). When we first started having sex it wasn't uncommon for him to come first roll over and be ready to sleep - leaving me understandably frustrated. After getting your wonderful advice we spoke about it and now 8/10 he will always try and get me to Orgasm from either oral or fingers. The problem is because I take what feels like FOREVER to Orgasm. I often end up feeling bad because I can see he's deflated and tired from his face which just make me feel even worse for taking so long. I'll then tell him to stop and for him either to finish how he'd like or if he already has then for us to go to bed.

    When I'm on my own I am pretty quick and have no problem coming through masterbation and toys. He recently suggested I stop using sex toys (rabbit and bullet) as he said my body might be getting too used to it. For the last few times we've had sex it seems impossible for me to come without them). We've tired sex toys together with me telling him how I like it but he becomes so logical and focused (literally staring at the vagina as if it's a gynaecology appointment) and will tell me to stop moving etc.

    We're really good at communicating with each other but when it comes to sex neither want to upset each other.

    Does anyone have any tips on how we could both discover and learn to understand my body without him going into logical mode and me going into self conscious mode. J

    Just want incredible satisfying sex (or orgasms from my OH)


    lmh95 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 3281
    • Joined: 6 Aug 2014

    Hey there

    I tended to take ages too with my OH but have found orgasm balm helps to make me much more sensitive and get there much quicker.

    I also know that I definitely need clitoral stimulation with fingers or toys too and find that if I get myself started off alone first then I'm revved up ready for when he joins me.

    The love rings are a great couples toy choice and are so easy to use for combined hands free stimulation.

    Hope this helps x

    mamz [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 1787
    • Joined: 4 Jan 2016

    I understand your frustration as I am in the same situation.
    Why don't you ise your toys in front of him a couple times so he can have an idea on how to use then on you?
    You can also make sure that you orgasm before, during "foreplay" so that the mood is more in the passion and everything and less logical etc.
    Using a toy such as a bullet vibe or a vibrating cock ring during penetration could also help.

    I hope it helps. Good luck xx

    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 2035
    • Joined: 27 Feb 2010

    A few things come to mind.

    using a habitual masturbation technique, can lead to you being unable to oragasm any other way. Like just using toys, but also how you use them, is it internal only, or clitoral only, or always both.

    Do you always masturbate with your legs in one position, such as wide apart, or tight together, or on your front, on your back, or on all fours, etc; as this too creates a mental block to orgasming any other way.

    Are you even on a subconscious level putting pressure on yourself to orgasm, and to do it quickly. This is my number one bet from what you have said. if you are this is the problem.

    The more you try to force an orgasm the less likely it is to come to you. You should let it come to you on it's own; feed it nurture it, but don't demand it, or feel under pressure to make it happen.

    So masturbate in as many different ways as you can.

    Explain to him that you take as long as you take, and that hury up and cum face he does, just makes you take longer , or fail. So he needs to be willing to be happy to pleasure you for how ever long it takes, and show it on his face.

    Also, don't make "the orgasm" the be all and end all" ( too much pressure) Lots and lots of foreplay before and during, by that I mean stuff that is pleasureable but is going to make you relax rather than cum, and take your mind of the goal, ( in fact don't have orgasm as a goal at all, or any goal but relaxing and enjoying the intimacy of pleasuring each other ) it is this that is making it in to a task he has to succeed at: that's why he gets so focused, and logical about it, like men do.

    So tell him all he has to do is give you pleasure, not search for the how of making you orgasm. And tell him not to tell you to keep still; if you are anything like me, I love to writhe during sex, to be told to keep still would kill it for me. To be honest being told how to behave while having sex would piss me off, and turn me off; like how the **** do you think you know better than me how I to need to be. I like being put into different positions, man handled so to speak, but if I want to wriggle, shout or scream I will; if thats what I need to do then I don't want to be told to keep still or be quiet.

    And tell him what you want him to do to you; you are not a car that he is trying to get to start, and that it's his job to decide how to do that; it's about you, and you decide that. So he doesn't feel like he's doing a bad job, don't say thats no good, if he does something that you know won't do it for you, just say would you do " this" for me now. They don't like being told how to do their "job" ( titty lip, or a huff will come from trying that if they are not the sort to take instruction from a woman. Male pride hey) but they do like to do things for us ( well sometimes)

    Good luck, relax and enjoy the journey, it's not all about getting there; but you do eventually. And it's more fun if you don't turn getting there into a military operation.

    Tillsandthirlls [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Officer Cadet
    • Posts: 3
    • Joined: 10 Nov 2014

    Thank you so much @imh96 I'm going to order some right away! I've just read the reviews and it seems like it's helped for a lot of women.

    @mamz I've tried using them in front of him and it seems like he's watching and learning and then he seems to what to 'remix' when it comes to his turn.

    @Alicia4eve thank you so much. Are you a sex Therapist?! You totally should be. I'm going to try all that you have suggested. I think I've definetly got to a point of having a mental block. The pressure to O is literally what is on my mind the whole time during sex and foreplay and you're right it's no wonder it's not happening. I think I want to try not actually making the O the end goal but rather the enjoyment of pleasuring each other in different ways and leave us wanting more rather than me leave with 'dissapoiment'.

    He's away for the weekend so plenty to look forward to when he gets back.

    Thanks so much all xxx

    SquirtyPanda [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 1752
    • Joined: 18 Oct 2015

    Have you tried any sexual aids? Orgasm balms/lubes perhaps jiggle balls? Do you use any toys together? Gspot/wand vibrator toys should surely see you to an orgasm

    Highly recommend this orgasm balm to start off with - https://www.lovehoney.co.uk/product.cfm?p=34567


    Worzel and Aunt H [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant
    • Posts: 26
    • Joined: 23 Nov 2015

    Could it be that time is a factor, if he feels he doesn't have enough time, (giving you a fantastic orgasm) then he will do just enough to get his goal. He could feel in competition with your toys / solo activities and is in turn fluffing it up completely, this could take his enjoyment from doing this, (his cum face expression).

    Try to focus on relaxing activities, alternative pleasures; like touching, kissing and soft sensual words you have towards each other, (after breakfast before going to work, continue into the evening and follow ip with cuddles.

    I agree try the balms, jiggle balls or a love egg, etc. These could be removed before activity together but also put you closer to your goal. Also make time to relax and enjoy each others social company

    Jezebella [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 515
    • Joined: 7 Jun 2015

    You've had some fantastic advice here already.

    Just for a bit of alternative perspective here, have you tried taking control of him? Rather than directing him, try taking control of his body and your toys (I wrote a blog post about my own journey of learning to orgasm during penis in vagina sex that you might find useful, I linked to it on the LH blogger thread, not sure if I'm allowed to link to it in other places so I won't here).

    Basically the idea is to tell your partner you are going to control the sex to begin with, for example, you pick the position, you set the motion and you direct your partner to touch you in a way that feels good. In addition you control any clit vibes/toys that help you to orgasm. Telling your partner not to take control and to let you dictate mean they will be less likely to take over or interrupt you as you are getting close to orgasm.

    Then you've got let go of any inhibitions, and especially let go of any worry about whether your partner is enjoying himself, listen to your body and do exactly what you need to orgasm. Close your eyes and just do what you need to to get there, just like you would if you were masturbating.

    Once you feel confident using your partners body to achieve orgasm, its just down to Practice. Once you're in tune with what you need to do orgasm you'll find it easy and can explore different positions and techniques together with your partner. The blog post explains what I mean in more detail if you've got the time to seek it out.

    Hope this is helpful

    LIL_KNOWN69 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 1467
    • Joined: 9 Oct 2005

    It may be your focusing too much on pleasing eachother, if I ever think "oh god I'm taking ages" it just lasts forever and by what you said previously it seems like you feel a bit guilty for your boyfriend and that will put pressure on getting to the peak.

    As others have suggested it might be worth using a balm but going back to basics can really help, have a long kissing session and let one thing lead to another, you can also give him a little show and hopefully he will take notes (not literally as that will be a tad off putting!). But if you show him exactly what you do with either toys or manually then maybe he will have a better idea. I would look outside the bedroom too, like extra stresses you may have in life and these may be a factor playing with things. I can understand how frustrating it must be and from my experience a lot of foreplay, kissing, neck kisses and licks, kissing and teasing nipples, kissing down the body and all over the hips and then kissing all the inner thighs and teasing with your mouth inches away from the clit seems to build everything up. Then once you go for the fingers and tongue your already 50% of the way. Also maybe it's got to the stage where you might want to adventure a little more, maybe do a little something different such as toys or some light bondage play, maybe some role play as I know silence can kill the mood just as much as saying the wrong thing 🙈. So maybe get a pet name you fine sexy for eachother like sir,miss, daddy, kitten, bad girl etc and this might help too.

    Hopefully some advice from here will help and I hope you both find a cure. Maybe get some lubricants or a little orgasm balm to help, the lovehoney one is supposed to be amazing and it smells really good!

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