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  1. Feeling too self-conscious in long term relationship..

    1498840861
    kinkybutshy123 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Officer Cadet
    • Posts: 1
    • Joined: 30 Jun 2017

    I was wondering if anyone else has had a similar problem to mine and didn't know where else to ask.

    I'm in a long term relationship (3 and a half years together, 2 years of close friendship beforehand) with a fantastic guy, we have a brilliant and strong relationship, we're engaged, living together, and I'm currently 30 weeks pregnant with our first baby which was planned. Everything in our relationship is perfect apart from the complete lack of sex and I feel so bad about it.

    Before we started living together everything was fine, but then when we started living together it all changed. I'm too self-conscious to have sex with him or let him touch me sexually. It was fine before, because every time I saw him I was wearing make up and looked nice and felt good about myself and he'd never seen me in a state. But now whenever I think about him touching me or having sex wtih him all I can think about is that this guy has seen me throw up all over myself drunk and then had to clean it off me. he's seen me ill with the flu, snot running down my face. he's seen me when i've been too ill to shower for a week. smelt my morning breath. dealt with my many mental-illness related breakdowns and I just feel too self conscious about it all to be sexual with him anymore. The only reason I pushed myself to continue having sex with him after I started feeling this way was for the baby, and since I've got pregnant we haven't done anything at all. I NEED to get over this mental block I have. I want to have sex with him, I am sexually attracted to him and I don't want to let this get in the way anymore but I don't know how to get over it. I can't feel sexy or attractive around him when he's witnessed all those things. I just end up feeling disgusting. Please someone give me some advice on how to get over this :(

    1498844033
    Lyndav71 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant Colonel
    • Posts: 235
    • Joined: 25 Feb 2017

    Be kind to yourself

    Write some positive and affirming thoughts about yourself and repeat them out loud in front of a mirror

    Remember if partner didn't love and care for you wouldn't still be around

    Remember you are not alone others have felt this too and will have great advice for you added to this post.

    Take care x

    1498844445
    Browncoats [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: General
    • Posts: 1071
    • Joined: 5 Dec 2016

    I'm not sure what to say except try to remember he's seen all this and he STILL finds you sexy and wants to touch you. I'm incredibly self conscious and have zero self confidence but my husband (who has seen me give birth twice) can't get enough of me and of he feels like that I remind myself that I don't have to like what I look like because he's to one who has to like me and he does.

    I hope you find some peace with yourself xx

    1498848083
    ScumptiousDumptious [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Colonel
    • Posts: 463
    • Joined: 21 Apr 2017

    He's seen you at your worst and came back for more and decided to make a future with you. He loves you for you. Not the make up & made up version of yourself.
    You need to love yourself. Every negative there is a positive.
    Stretch marks prove that I've helped create & care for my children.
    A scar proves I survived surgery.
    Ask him what he sees in you, let him tell you how wonderful a person you are. Then most importantly Believe him

    1498860550
    Sex Squid [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 1341
    • Joined: 13 Sep 2006

    I echo everything everyone's said about seeing you at what you perceive as you at your worst and still lusting after you.

    You need to start seeing you as he sees you. Easier said than done, but you can start right here on this forum with us lot....

    Will you list 5 nice things about yourself, the candid real you, that you DO like...? 😊

    1498865145
    Arronw [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant Colonel
    • Posts: 236
    • Joined: 17 May 2017

    My OH was exactly the same during our relationship but she isn't anymore as I have reassured her millions of times that she is perfect in my eyes (I know she still doesn't believe me) but I tell her everyday to make her try and feel better about herself and when she was pregnant both times we didn't have sex because the massive change in hormones made her feel real crappy about herself and she didn't want to do it but when she gave birth it all come back

    When a woman feels like that their partner should reassure them day in day out that they are beautiful and perfect

    At the end of the day like others have said if he's seen you at what you believe to be your worst and he's still with you then he obviously loves you for who you are

    Hope you feel better about yourself soon chin up all woman are beautiful :)

    1498879782
    mysteron [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 7150
    • Joined: 7 Jan 2014

    Let the guy love you. He clearly does and wants to keep loving you despite you not being at your best. Let him love you for what you are i.e. his chosen potential wife and mother of his child. My advice is let him and don't push him away as he wants to play an important part in your life and support you,

    1498920549
    Lyndav71 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant Colonel
    • Posts: 235
    • Joined: 25 Feb 2017

    kinkybutshy123 wrote

    dealt with my many mental-illness related breakdowns and I just feel too self conscious about it all to be sexual with him anymore. The only reason I pushed myself to continue having sex with him after I started feeling this way was for the baby, and since I've got pregnant we haven't done anything at all. I NEED to get over this mental block I have. I want to have sex with him, I am sexually attracted to him and I don't want to let this get in the way anymore but I don't know how to get over it. I can't feel sexy or attractive around him when he's witnessed all those things. I just end up feeling disgusting. Please someone give me some advice on how to get over this :(

    The advice given by everyone is helpful to remember, I suspect logically you know and understand the things we have said about your man is true but it is harder to believe it.

    You don't say and I'm not asking what mental illness and breakdown issues you have had but these can play a big part on our body image ie anorexia and bulimia are mental illnesses which relate to our body image. Your hormones will have a big part in how you feel as well some women suffer during and after birth with depression.

    It sounds like you have a good support network in OH and hopefully friends and family but more than that you could if you have had a good experience speak to your GP and any other professionals that helped you before. Do not be afraid to reach out, prevention is better than reaction.

    You need to do as others suggested, get your OH to write a series of post it notes saying what he loves about you

    Ie aspects of your personality

    Ie non sexual features such as smile, eye twinkle etc

    Ie what he finds sexy about you

    Ie what you do that turns him on

    Ie what he thinkd you do well - work wise,' family wise, partner wise

    Put them on a mirror, recite these to yourself over and over. The more you say out loud the norm you affirm it to yourself.

    I would also ask each of your friends to contribute one positive about you and why they are glad you are their friend

    Do same with family and friends.

    You don't have to get post it's get a notebook ( like school exercise book or even something prettier and ask thee people in your life to do this and read it once in your head and once out loud every morning and every night.

    You are special, loved, needed and wanted by all these people , you need to start to reinforce these voices of friends and family and oh in your head and believe it. The more you read and say out loud the more you will believe about yourself

    1498921717
    Lyndav71 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant Colonel
    • Posts: 235
    • Joined: 25 Feb 2017

    Lastly do this exercise yourself after these people. Its always hardest to start this yourself but after reading your Oh family and friends comments it should be easier.

    Doing this should boost your self worth and help.

    Consider have you seen OH ill with cold/ man flu/ sickness/ diarrhoea/ hung over? Have you seen him when he is down or angry or irratible? I think you have yet you say you still want to have sex with him and are still attracted to him so why wouldn't he feel the same about you?

    You don't specify if you are married but some of the vows in wedding ceremony are apt here because it relates to loving someone - in sickness and in health, the good times and the bad.

    Our human frailty enables those who love us to care and demonstrate their love for us. Sex is not the everything in a relationship and if he was that shallow he would not still be with you hun remember that.

    The problem here is your belief in yourself and your body image. Things won't happen overnight. Talk to him about how you feel and the advice from the forum and consider it you don't have to do any of it but it may help you think of something yourself that will help you.

    Good luck and keep us posted

    1498926617
    Fujiyamamama [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant Colonel
    • Posts: 104
    • Joined: 25 Jun 2017

    Ah babe I could have written this myself with my first pregnancy.

    Firstly the hormones can make you feel insane.

    I get prenatal depression and anxiety and it's a total pig, I spent Wednesday last week crying from 7am to 10pm feeling exactly how you do.

    Your body is going through a lot, and not being in control of it changing can be mentally harrowing.

    I think you should speak to your midwife and see what support is available, especially with a history of Mental Health issues.

    Sending lots of love.

    We've gone from no sex to at least 4 times a day and that's mostly through me being honest and telling him exactly the way I'm feeling.

    Your partner loves you and will understand xx

    1498938785
    toulouse [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Captain
    • Posts: 79
    • Joined: 6 Jun 2017

    I really feel for you and hopefully some of the lovely comments you have had will help.

    I can only add a couple of things really..

    Could you get a notebook and for every negative thought you have come up with a positive one instead.

    Every evening write down a positive thing that has happened in your day. Something that has made you feel happy.

    Pregnancy does such weird things to your hormones but it really does sound that your OH is there for you and loves you....and that is a positive thing!

    I agree with Fujiyamamama and that maybe your midwife could suggest a support network for you as there is a lot of help available.

    Take care of yourself

    1498941529
    illtakethehighroad [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant
    • Posts: 46
    • Joined: 11 Jul 2014

    Thats what love is though. Its is the lust of seeing someone dolled up with makeup and then wanting to rip their clothes off. Its also clearing up your other halfs sick after they have had the noro virus. Being supportive when their best friend died. Taking the kids away to give them some sanity. Being proud of them when they do something amazing.

    Thats what a long term loving relationship is, all the ups and downs and warts and all.

    I have seen my wife tear during childbirth and loose lots of blood. Wiped her bumand washed her in bed after a major op and cared for her. Helped her pick up the pieces when her mother has been cruel to her... again. And you know what she is still the most gorgeous sexy women i know.

    So dont be so hard on yourself. Your otherhalf will love you just the same. It may be you have postnatal depression but is there a chance you would have felt like this before kids? My gut feeling (and i may be wrong) is that it is more than just sex. I would sugges there is maybe some other underlying issue why you feel you are not worth it. I think perhaps seeing the GP and a bit of councilling may help.

    Good luck!

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