99p Next Day delivery! Hurry ends in ...
  • Wait! We think you’re in the US - Lovehoney.com is a better site for you.
    Shop there and get 10% off!
    United States Flag
    Go to Lovehoney.com
  1. Help with confidence online.

    1498514838
    Tallish Darkish & Average [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 1769
    • Joined: 24 Oct 2012

    OK, so I've been quiet recently, many of you will know that my wife and I have recently split & I've moved out. Now, even though I'm hurting and getting over what had happened I still have "desires". I (re)joined a popular hook up site in a bid to scratch this itch. For those who have been following my predicament the marriage is dead, both parties finally accepting this, however everything is "good" between us for the good of the children - who I do see regularly, anyway back on topic, a few people have caught my eye but, when I go to message them about a possible meeting I can't do it, I wrIte a message and then find myself re reading it and deleting it, I'm not being particularly graphic or obscene in my messages, quite the opposite, my profile explains that I can be shy but open up when comfortable it's just the first steps I'm having issues with.

    It's like being a teenage boy again and trying to pluck up the courage to talk to the girls I used to fancy growing up, only difference now is I'm in my 5th decade on the planet and still stalling with the ladies.

    Sorry in for the ramble but, can anyone offer any advice or should I just say, metaphorically, yes I want to be your fwb?

    Thanks in advance.

    1498515711
    ScumptiousDumptious [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Colonel
    • Posts: 476
    • Joined: 21 Apr 2017

    I struggled with this too. In the end I figured I don't know the people. They dont know me if they are terrible I can walk away and vice versa.
    I also had lengthy chats online, Whsts app & spoke on the phone before meeting so you kinda knew you were on the same wavelength. Ended up being great fun mostly. Even the weirdos were entertaining.
    Always meet somewhere public (safety first )
    Enjoy and good luck x

    1498517223
    NatandTom [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 6680
    • Joined: 6 Jun 2015

    you've been out of the dating scene for a while, naturally it's going to be difficult to get back into the swing of things. The way I look at it is that you never know what could happen unless you try. One of the people who've caught your eye could be a perfect partner for you but you will never know unless you master the courage to send that message.

    Perhaps you could get to know them better online first before asking for a meeting? You may feel more comfortable with some time and conversations under your belt.

    1498519231
    Tallish Darkish & Average [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 1769
    • Joined: 24 Oct 2012

    Thanks guys, I think my biggest concern is being rejected, yes I'm aware that men outnumber women on these sites by 66,778,448/1 but, having been in threes of a particularly big knock back recently I'm not sure how much more consistent rejection I can handle.

    Maybe I'll suck it n see, if it goes bad step back for a month or so & try try again.

    1498524662
    mysteron [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 7166
    • Joined: 7 Jan 2014

    My advice would be take an interest in that person.Compliment them but don't over do it. If you are normally a funny person make them life. Most women like a guy who can make them laugh and feel relaxed in their company. Be seen to pay for the date as well. Should they offer to pay their way then by all means accept.

    If you have been out of the dating scene for some time then I would recommend watching plenty of videos on You Tube about body language. I found them very useful .

    Finally think of your dress. No need to go suited and booted but avoid the baggy T shirt ,jeans and trainer look. I see too many guys of this image who are single over 40 and leave empty handed at end of the night. My own prefernce is decent shoes,jeans,white shirt and blazer/ sports jacket. It easy to dress down by just removing the jacket.

    Good luck.

    1498547146
    SquirtyPanda [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 1740
    • Joined: 18 Oct 2015

    The kinda situation you just need to throw yourself into im afraid. Never ask never know kinda thing.

    It may not be a rejection to you however may just be a rejection to the things you're into ? It may not be their bag.

    Flirting goes a long way as opposed to just straight up ''wanna fuck?'' flirting makes it more of a fun game for both parties too. I would 'practise' flirting with a few people to build up your confidence. Get some good pictures of yourself too but keep in mind to feel confident with your poses - this will shine through on the photos.

    🐼

    1498556742
    lovingnewtoys [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 5197
    • Joined: 16 Jan 2016

    Hi hun. Firstly gutted for you both that it didn't work out when it seemed to be heading in the right direction - hugs for all concerned xxx

    As for your question - personally I would go for the 'honesty is the best policy' option. Have a flirt online with a lady who peeks your curiosity, if you are comfortable talkibg about it explain your situation and what you want from any possible meets. This way all concerned know from the offset where they stand. You never know where it may lead, but at least you couldn't be accussed of stringing anyone along.


    I hope you find the courage to hit the send button - but remember it is very early days and it could be your raw emotions stopping you at the moment xxxxx

    1498649340
    mysteron [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 7166
    • Joined: 7 Jan 2014

    Try not to worry about rejection as some women can be quite fickle or awkward creatures anyway . I got told the other week and this wasnt the first time either by a lady that " You are drop dead gorgous but your not my type " That just left me confused .com especially as it was her who started chatting me up.

    Try and enjoy the experience as well . I must admit I use to enjoy the cat and mouse chase and the time your eyes meet someone elses at the opposite side of a room and make them smile.The lattter happened when I met my current partner and now Mrs of 21 years .

    So from small begininngs like that you may just find Mrs Right .

    1498650542
    Lovehoney - Leanne [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 2373
    • Joined: 9 Oct 2014

    mysteron wrote:

    Try not to worry about rejection as some women can be quite fickle or awkward creatures anyway . 

    Not just women - men too! So generally all people can be.

    It is hard to get back into the 'dating' and hooking up game again. I found that just chatting to people on nights out helped. Incidentally, this is how I met my OH, I wasn't meaning to meet anyone it was partly to build up my confidence after a bad break up. 

    There may be some knock backs but for every potential knock back there are many others still looking and it may just be that they types are just not right on that occasion. 

    To quote Dr Pepper... What's the worst that can happen :) 

    All the best and good luck! 

    1498653131
    mysteron [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 7166
    • Joined: 7 Jan 2014

    Lovehoney - Leanne wrote:

    mysteron wrote:

    Try not to worry about rejection as some women can be quite fickle or awkward creatures anyway .

    Not just women - men too! So generally all people can be.

    It is hard to get back into the 'dating' and hooking up game again. I found that just chatting to people on nights out helped. Incidentally, this is how I met my OH, I wasn't meaning to meet anyone it was partly to build up my confidence after a bad break up.

    There may be some knock backs but for every potential knock back there are many others still looking and it may just be that they types are just not right on that occasion.

    To quote Dr Pepper... What's the worst that can happen :)

    All the best and good luck!

    i think you are right there. Sometimes your next partner will arrive at when you least expect it. Something kind of just clicks when you are talking to someone and then butterflies start kicking in . Some refer that to as "the spark" .

    1498683707
    Tallish Darkish & Average [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 1769
    • Joined: 24 Oct 2012

    Thank you all for the responses, now some of the advice will serve well for the future as the site I've subscribed to right now is one you might just *swing* by...

    More bed mate than soul mate if you follow.

    Anyway I took the plunge, sent a message and...

    I may have popped my swinging cherry.

    1498686215
    biglobe [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Officer Cadet
    • Posts: 7
    • Joined: 27 Jun 2017

    Tallish Darkish & Average wrote:

    Thank you all for the responses, now some of the advice will serve well for the future as the site I've subscribed to right now is one you might just *swing* by...

    More bed mate than soul mate if you follow.

    Anyway I took the plunge, sent a message and...

    I may have popped my swinging cherry.

    Good for you.

    I have been single far too long, but had 2 children every weekend after my divorce and I always put them first. Now they are adults it is so hard to get back into dating (and I'm no longer as attractive as I once may have been).

    Don't worry about rejection, it's better than not trying. I had a close friend that I eventually opened up to and was rejected, but it still felt better than when it was bottled up..

    1500467595
    Tallish Darkish & Average [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 1769
    • Joined: 24 Oct 2012

    I'm going to revisit this rather than hijack someone else's thread as, I have another question.

    Internet dating is going badly to out it mildly, several messages sent, not a single reply, half expected but, some advice please, next week is my birthday and, *if* one of the ladies I've contacted want to meet, should I tell her? I don't want her to feel any pressure to go out because it's my birthday, not be honest because it's my birthday or feel like she should behave any differently. On the other hand if I theoretically met around my birthday, said nothing and things progress would you think she might feel upset that we didn't celebrate or that maybe I didn't or don't think enough of her to have told her.

    Secondly I am also visiting friends in the next county just afterwards for bbq, drinks etc & staying over would you feel upset if not invited if I did "click" with someone however how do I tell my friends I'd like to bring a stranger to theirs, to stay and, tackle that subject early on.

    Sorry over analysing a scenario that may not play out.

    Thanks in advance.

    1500467931
    Glaswegian82 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Colonel
    • Posts: 283
    • Joined: 10 Apr 2017

    Hey TD&A. I'm in a similar boat in that I've been trying internet dating after a long relationship, and it's been pretty unkind. So I feel your pain, sir.

    On your questions above: I think that you should hold off on the birthday thing in communication - there is a risk that it could be seen as a tactic to garner sympathy and a date. But if you meet up with someone around that time, telling them then would be totally fine and natural.

    And I think it would be weirder to invite someone you've just met to a thing with friends than not to. I can't see anyone being upset or offended by not being invited to something like that. Indeed, such an invitation could seem like a lot of pressure.

    Hope it all works out for you, mate.

    1500469539
    mysteron [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 7166
    • Joined: 7 Jan 2014

    Tallish Darkish & Average wrote:

    I'm going to revisit this rather than hijack someone else's thread as, I have another question.

    Internet dating is going badly to out it mildly, several messages sent, not a single reply, half expected but, some advice please, next week is my birthday and, *if* one of the ladies I've contacted want to meet, should I tell her? I don't want her to feel any pressure to go out because it's my birthday, not be honest because it's my birthday or feel like she should behave any differently. On the other hand if I theoretically met around my birthday, said nothing and things progress would you think she might feel upset that we didn't celebrate or that maybe I didn't or don't think enough of her to have told her.

    Secondly I am also visiting friends in the next county just afterwards for bbq, drinks etc & staying over would you feel upset if not invited if I did "click" with someone however how do I tell my friends I'd like to bring a stranger to theirs, to stay and, tackle that subject early on.

    Sorry over analysing a scenario that may not play out.

    Thanks in advance.

    I would take quite the opposite view. If it get your a foot in the door so to speak then use it to your advantage. It then gives you chance to weave your magic and sweep her off her feet. I mean talk of course !

    Its a dog eat dog out there on online dating with others even resorting to using other peoples pictures . Perhaps a reason why some are going back to conventional dating. At least this way potentially you can can see what your getting !

    So if it gives you an advantage then take it .

    Also dont forget dating isnt black and white sometimes your next partner can come via an unusual route or course of events. Keep an open mind.

    1500486371
    NaughtyNerd [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 1127
    • Joined: 16 Aug 2016

    TDA i met Mr Nerd online almost 2 years ago. The birthday thing depends on how you mention it. If he said "its my birthday, fancy a date" it would feel a little needy to me. However if we arranged something and he mentioned it was his birthday it'd be nice but equally i wouldn't mind him not saying.
    It was my 30th birthday right around the time i started chatting to Mr N.

    I would take someone back to a friends afterwards neither would i expect to be. Not on first date. Arrange a different day if you can but if not just let her know you have a prior engagement later in the evening.

    1500493729
    Tallish Darkish & Average [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 1769
    • Joined: 24 Oct 2012

    Thanks Naughty Nerd, wasn't going to go down the "hey it's my birthday let go out on..." just wondering if anyone thinks anyone may act differently if they knew it was my birthday or close too, the BBQ is planned for another night but, with my kids the next couple of weeks means I'm tight if and when I can meet so wondered again if it was too forward (which I think it is) a move to invite someone along but, again hoping they may not think that I don't want to introduce them.

    Also if I may ask roughly how many messages would you get and how many would you reply to? Thanks in advance.

    1500501989
    NaughtyNerd [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 1127
    • Joined: 16 Aug 2016

    It probably is too forward for most people. Just been upfront. Afternoon dates are as good as evening ones.
    Lots of 'likes' but not as many messages. Don't think a lot of woman like to make the first move. If people blokes were not being an ass (asking for picsetc) then i would reply to most.

    1500503720
    Super_Aj [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant
    • Posts: 3
    • Joined: 25 Apr 2012

    It can feel mega awkward dating again as it's not just wanting to make friends. You're looking for someone to be intimate with and if you've only been with one other person for so long that can be quite daunting.

    Remember any person you do want to talk to will probably be just as nervous. Be yourself, no need to put on a fake persona or worry about being too cliche in first chats. Ice breakers can be anything. Read profiles and comment on something you don't think anyone who skimmed their page would have noticed.

    Rejections don't always mean it was something you did, some folk want something else and that's ok.

    Enjoy

    1500508209
    RosyCheek [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 2686
    • Joined: 11 Apr 2016

    I met my first proper boyfriend online back when the Internet chat was relatively new. Our first meet was a few days before my birthday and I used it to my advantage as I quite liked him. I mentioned it to him whilst we were chatting initially so when I wanted to see him again I used the "wanna go out for coffee and cake Friday morning?" we lasted a year so it worked.

    Post a reply to this thread

    Please sign in to post messages to the forum.