• New to dating game again and need advice

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    NaughtyNerd [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi Smellycat.
    I met my fella online nearly 2 years ago after my 12 year relationship ended so i know 100% how you feel.

    Firstly I disagree with Mysteron that knickers should be kept on until you've had 'the chat'. There is no rulebook when it comes to dating, particular in this digital age of online dating. You go with your gut and just try not to read into things that may not be there.

    I too went on dates with a couple of guys before meeting Mr Nerd. With him going for meals, cinema days and a couple of sleepovers before we hit 'the chat' time and thought about disabling our accounts. We moved things forward initially with seeing each other a little more frequently. Later whilst relaxing after a nice date one of use mentioned that we wanted to shut down our account and the other of us just said 'me too' and that was that.

    As to why lie is going online, probably the same reason as you. To politely reply to any messages.

    Sounds to me like you're both protecting yourselves a little. You with not asking and him for his slightly noncommittal responses. When actively trying to find someone especially online you do make yourself vulnerable.
    Nothing in what you are saying rings any alarmbells so i would just have the conversation.
    There is a chance that his answer may not be what you want but it is better to find out now.

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    smellycat19 [sign in to see picture]
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    Thank you NaughtyNerd.I think I fear asking him as its still early days and for fear or not hearing the response I hope for. As for him on the other hand, I'm not quite sure? We've done quite a bit together already, how much more until one of us (he) questions where this is going? I think I will see him again and try to bring it up. Just don't want to appear desperate or needy,which I am not. It's just the more I spend time with him, the more I like him. Just hope its mutual, I feel it is. Suppose I could mention that I mentioned us dating quite a few times now to a friend and shes questioning me as to if hes my bf and make out I don't know what to tell her?!

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    Lyndav71 [sign in to see picture]
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    NaughtyNerd wrote:

    Hi Smellycat.
    I met my fella online nearly 2 years ago after my 12 year relationship ended so i know 100% how you feel.

    Firstly I disagree with Mysteron that knickers should be kept on until you've had 'the chat'. There is no rulebook when it comes to dating, particular in this digital age of online dating. You go with your gut and just try not to read into things that may not be there.

    I too went on dates with a couple of guys before meeting Mr Nerd. With him going for meals, cinema days and a couple of sleepovers before we hit 'the chat' time and thought about disabling our accounts. We moved things forward initially with seeing each other a little more frequently. Later whilst relaxing after a nice date one of use mentioned that we wanted to shut down our account and the other of us just said 'me too' and that was that.

    As to why lie is going online, probably the same reason as you. To politely reply to any messages.

    Sounds to me like you're both protecting yourselves a little. You with not asking and him for his slightly noncommittal responses. When actively trying to find someone especially online you do make yourself vulnerable.
    Nothing in what you are saying rings any alarmbells so i would just have the conversation.
    There is a chance that his answer may not be what you want but it is better to find out now.

    I think SquirtyPanda, Mysteron and NaughtyNerd have hit nail on head and said more eloquently what was I was saying. As NaughtyNerd says it sounds like you are both trying to protect yourselves.

    Yes he may be more dominant but that doesn't necessarily mean he feels secure in how you feel about him and by not talking you both have thoughts about what the other is thinking and making more of it in your head.

    I really like NaughtyNerd s gentle way of broaching the topic "later after relaxing after a nice date one of us mentioned that we wanted to shut down our account and the other of us said "me too" and that was that"

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    smellycat19 [sign in to see picture]
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    You mean protecting ourselves from fear of rejection? Its nice the way naughtynerd and her partner broached the conversation yes.

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    NaughtyNerd [sign in to see picture]
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    Protecting yourselves for many reasons, letting someone in, being rejected by someone you like, being perceived as needy etc, having a young child. I think its a completely natural way to feel.

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    smellycat19 [sign in to see picture]
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    Yes I understand what you mean naughtynerd. I think I'll wait to see what he suggests for our next meet, and then pick the right moment to bring it up

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    Heidi920 [sign in to see picture]
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    I mean that you clearly seem to be worried that he's logging in still and worried that he's not going to be interested long term so having a talk with him will hopefully put your mind at ease, these no point in guessing x

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    smellycat19 [sign in to see picture]
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    Yes definitely Heidi920. Thanks

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    smellycat19 [sign in to see picture]
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    Thanks Lyndav71

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    smellycat19 [sign in to see picture]
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    Ok, so things still going well and although we've not had the chat yet we seem to be heading in the right direction.
    He recently texted me, as we do most days asking 'so, when are we going to hang out again?' Told him I always have time to 'hang out' with him. Don't know if I'm reading too much into his choice of words but 'hang out'? Don't you usually say/do that with friends? I'm so confused now! I know he wants a relationship as it's one of the first things we asked each other.

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    mysteron [sign in to see picture]
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    smellycat19 wrote:

    Ok, so things still going well and although we've not had the chat yet we seem to be heading in the right direction.
    He recently texted me, as we do most days asking 'so, when are we going to hang out again?' Told him I always have time to 'hang out' with him. Don't know if I'm reading too much into his choice of words but 'hang out'? Don't you usually say/do that with friends? I'm so confused now! I know he wants a relationship as it's one of the first things we asked each other.

    You could try playing hard to get. I might be wrong but he comes accross as being the pied piper and you will always come running to his call. What I am trying to say is why not start calling the tune a bit yourself and get things more on your terms.

    I thiink the term "hang out" comes accross as far too casual for me and IMO is a tad disrespectful towards yourself. But it could be that I am from a different generation when guys respected ladies more.

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    smellycat19 [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi Mysteron,
    I have called the shots on a couple of occasions of which hes oblidged, e.g dinner dates ect...
    Its awkward with my set up at the moment regards living arrangements and he has his own house he shares with friends so its easier for me to see him that way.

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    Gem276 [sign in to see picture]
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    Personally, I don't find the term "hang out" disrespectful at all. I'd class that as him asking to see you without suggesting anything to actually do.

    I have also been in your position, I separated from my ex husband almost 3 years ago and have had 2 relationship since then.

    In my experience its best just to be straight with people!

    Either be direct ... "Obviously, I know we have both popped on and off (your dating app) but I wondered how you would feel if we were just exclusive, or are you wanting to see other people"

    or

    You could tell him that your mate called him your Boyfriend and see how that goes down!!? Tell him that you liked the sound of it etc!

    Personally, I wouldn't ask him if he's okay with you going on another date with another guy as he could be taken aback and just say that it was "up to you" and you're not left with clarity just a guy thinking that he can't control you and maybe that's what you want to do!

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    Lyndav71 [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi Smellycat think Mysteron is saying play hard to get isn't necessarily that you call the shots but that you don't necessarily make yourself available so that he doesn't think you are just hanging around waiting for him to call etc

    For example question asked "do you want to hang out ?"

    Answer " I'm sorry I have plans with my (insert fa!mily member here)and work over the next 3 days but if your free xyz then we could meet up for brunch/lunch/coffee/ bowling/paintballing etc"

    You are not blowing him off and at same time still expressing your interest by providing an alternative but if he wants a relationship he will make more of an effort to get your time rather than take for granted you'll drop everything.

    I suppose I never really understood that idea as it feels like game playing, however the more I think about it its less game playing and more a case of having respect for yourself and demonstrating that to the other person.

    I have always been easy going by nature and to be honest if I don't mind or I don't object then I go along with the other persons plans, however have learnt that people take that as if I am soft and take for granted and overstep. Its taken me to my 40's to recognise that people are not going to dislike me for saying no and I have to stop apologising and feeling guilty if I can't meet there expectations.

    Not sure if that was what Mysteron was eluding to

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    mysteron [sign in to see picture]
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    Lyndav71 wrote:

    Hi Smellycat think Mysteron is saying play hard to get isn't necessarily that you call the shots but that you don't necessarily make yourself available so that he doesn't think you are just hanging around waiting for him to call etc

    For example question asked "do you want to hang out ?"

    Answer " I'm sorry I have plans with my (insert fa!mily member here)and work over the next 3 days but if your free xyz then we could meet up for brunch/lunch/coffee/ bowling/paintballing etc"

    You are not blowing him off and at same time still expressing your interest by providing an alternative but if he wants a relationship he will make more of an effort to get your time rather than take for granted you'll drop everything.

    I suppose I never really understood that idea as it feels like game playing, however the more I think about it its less game playing and more a case of having respect for yourself and demonstrating that to the other person.

    I have always been easy going by nature and to be honest if I don't mind or I don't object then I go along with the other persons plans, however have learnt that people take that as if I am soft and take for granted and overstep. Its taken me to my 40's to recognise that people are not going to dislike me for saying no and I have to stop apologising and feeling guilty if I can't meet there expectations.

    Not sure if that was what Mysteron was eluding to

    yep spot on.

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    smellycat19 [sign in to see picture]
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    So we recently had a chat and I brought up in a round about way where do we stand?
    He said he's not one to put labels on things too soon but we can call it exclusive.
    Excuse me for being naive as it's all new to me again, exclusive....?!
    To me exclusive means seeing/sleeping with only the said person but in my eyes that's also a bf or gf too? But he doesn't want to label us yet. We've had chats about gradually and eventually introducing each other to our families and he said when it feels right for us all he would like to meet my little one (right for us all being me, him and my little one)
    Seems to be going somewhere but I still worry it's a bit 'nothing' if we are not 'official' or labelling so to speak?! As in I want more, but he's being cautious. I'm not clingy by any means but I want to know if he potentially sees me as gf material?
    Wondered what others opinions are?

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    Heidi920 [sign in to see picture]
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    I would say being exclusive is the same as offical and commiting to the one person.

    It does seem that he's being rather vauge on his answers though, which makes me see why youve been so confused by his responses and having to read between the lines.

    But as i said, being that hes used the word exclusive i would say he's commited even if hes not wanting to be forward enough to label the relationship.

    Is he nervous about meeting your LO? x

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    mysteron [sign in to see picture]
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    Comes accross to me that he wants everything on his terms rather than yours .I think your looking for that bit of clarification of where you stand and he doesnt want to give you that, just yet anyway. It's all a little vague to me. Just maybe he has other loose ends to sort out first and perhaps he wants to end them first. Patience and just keep chipping away .I wouldnt close your account down just yet until he shows more commitment to you.

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    smellycat19 [sign in to see picture]
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    Thanks Mysteron,
    I'm fairly confident there are no other loose ends to tie up or finish first. I just don't know why he's being so vague or holding back?

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    smellycat19 [sign in to see picture]
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    Thanks Heidi920
    I'm with you on this one.not sure if he's nervous meeting my lo, I'm soon to be meeting a little member of his family whom he's close to so its not as if he's anti-kids or adverse to them, in fact quite the opposite but doesn't have any of his own (yet)

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