£4.99 Sunday delivery! Hurry ends in ...
  1. New to dating game again and need advice

    1497442902
    smellycat19 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Captain
    • Posts: 79
    • Joined: 26 Feb 2015

    Hey all! Not sure if this post is in the right place but just wanted to ask for peoples opinions/advice.

    So, I'm newly single (few months) and ready to move on. Was in a very long term relationship prior to this and have a young child together with my ex.

    I have been frequenting dating sites to make friends and see what happens. Potentially and ultimately leading to another long term relationship. I have at all times made my intentions clear about what I want and been open about being a single mum.

    I've had a few dates, some not so great and others good but the spark wasn't there for me. I have however recently met a guy and we've had around 4 dates now and counting, so hopefully more to come. We've done various things together like meals/drinks, cinema, breakfast date and finally and most recently I have stayed over at his.
    Its obvious we both really like each other, but we are both still active on our online dating sites. I check mine mainly to see any messages (if so I respond politely only to keep my options open if this guy disappears or decides he no longer wants to see me although I would not actively meet anyone else whilst I'm seeing him), and I can see at the same time if and when he last logged in. (Which was recently.)
    I have jokingly made light of the fact that I don't feel I'm what he's after and he could find somebody better suited, and that I bet he's got lots more dates lined up with other ladies! (he's a massive geek and I'm not, yet we still have a few things in common and it's not completely awkward). He told me not at all and that he's having fun, really likes me and is not dating anyone else nor intends to plan to meet anyone else either.
    So why does he still log in?
    I know we aren't exclusive yet, and I don't expect him to delete his profile (I'm not the clingy type) but we haven't had the 'are we exclusive?' conversation yet and I'm not sure if to carry on and see where it leads, hoping he will mention it first or to bring it up myself without scaring him off. He's quite a confident and I suppose a more dominant character than myself. And when we are together, he's very affectionate ect... and talks lots about his family....He's also child friendly and often babysits his toddler niece whom he loves very much. So, so far ticks all the boxes for me!
    I'm beginning to really like him but don't just want to see him to socialise or for sex. I don't get that impression with him, but it's just when he uses the word 'fun'. Although I strongly feel he doesn't mean just having fun and nothing more, it seems he means it in the sense of our time together is fun.

    I suppose what I'm trying to say is do I or when do I have the chat with him, or by the way we're carrying on are we just assuming we are 'together', and if so why still log in to the dating site? I'm guessing as we both still check, we aren't exclusive as of yet. I mean how many 'dates' do you need to have with someone before they/you both decide? It could go on and on...!
    I feel totally naive with all of this, it's been such a long time since I was last single and me and the ex had about two dates before we decided we wanted to become an item.

    Sorry for the long post.

    1497444079
    Lyndav71 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant Colonel
    • Posts: 261
    • Joined: 25 Feb 2017

    Hi Smellycat 19, what you are feeling is totally normal, men are in some ways the same as we are. He could be logging in still for the same reason you are.

    Try to remember men (although not so much the men on the forums who are good at opening up) are not as good at us about talking about things - traditionally they are expected to be the strong ones and we forget they have feelings just like we do.

    Easier said than done but communication is the key and especially if both of you have been hurt - putting your heart on line, trusting and opening up can be scary but ultimately it just needs one of you to make that first move.

    Not sure if that helps, to be fair easy to say not so easy to do.

    Last piece of advice, don't over think it or you will get yourself in a tizzy with your emotions. Try and take it as it comes and when the opportunity arises to communicate do so.

    1497444332
    smellycat19 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Captain
    • Posts: 79
    • Joined: 26 Feb 2015

    Hi Lyndav71 thank you.yes it makes sense. His actions show otherwise, but he's not saying anything to give his feelings away.I might be totally misinterpreting things but I would've thought if he's as dominant as he comes across, he would've approached the subject. He does seem the laid back, in no rush type.

    1497444832
    Heidi920 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: General
    • Posts: 1229
    • Joined: 17 May 2011

    Hi smellycat, well done for getting back out there in to the dating world!

    Its seems as if you are both enjoying each others company, so i would say you should take that step for you both and bring the conversation up otherwise you may end up with more worries than its worth.

    good luck x

    1497445038
    mysteron [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 7166
    • Joined: 7 Jan 2014

    I take a slightly different view but could be wrong as Online dating was really before my time .

    I think ,trying to convince him that your not his type may have convinced him to keep looking .I dont see any mention of any spark between both of you either . Normally I would see some evidence of a spark after the 2nd and at the most 3rd date . Perhaps he's thinking the same here as well. On the surface and I could be wrong but it could be one of those situations despite ticking some of each other boxes that friendship may only be the way forward.

    Its probably best having a "lay all your cards out" type chat to see how both of you feel and then take it ffrom there.

    1497445959
    smellycat19 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Captain
    • Posts: 79
    • Joined: 26 Feb 2015

    Thank you mysteron, I did forget to mention that there definitely seems to be a spark there. And he was still checking his profile before I said what I did, hence why I said it to test the waters.
    Heidi920 how do you mean more worries? :-/

    1497446311
    SquirtyPanda [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 1740
    • Joined: 18 Oct 2015

    Hello and welcome

    If I were you I would take control of the situation, I couldnt go on not knowing where we stand. I would want to establish if we're officially together so he knows what is out of bounds. I believe he is still logging in on his profile because you two have not had 'the' conversation. Some men need direction.

    Take control and have the chat. Keep it light and the main goal is to establish where you stand with him, because perhaps YOU have several dates lining up too ?. You are worthy of wanting to be dated too by others, not just him.

    🐼

    1497446633
    mysteron [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 7166
    • Joined: 7 Jan 2014

    smellycat19 wrote:

    Thank you mysteron, I did forget to mention that there definitely seems to be a spark there. And he was still checking his profile before I said what I did, hence why I said it to test the waters.
    Heidi920 how do you mean more worries? :-/

    Now that there is a spark there, then its a completely different ball game. Then you perhaps need a chat on how to take the situation forward and make sure that you both think the same about each other. That way it rules out any misunderstandings and eliminates any false/misread signals and intentions . I think its vital that you have this chat as it will possibly save somebody getting hurt before you progress it into a relationship.

    Good luck and let us know how you get on.

    Ah it seems SP is on the similar lines of thinking

    1497446868
    smellycat19 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Captain
    • Posts: 79
    • Joined: 26 Feb 2015

    Thank you. He's much more 'forward/dominant' than me even though he doesn't seem as outgoing perhaps, so I'm unsure how to start or initiate the conversation without seeming weird, clingy or awkward

    when I say theres a spark there, I can sense one and his actions show it too but not words. All he's said is he really likes me ect...
    1497447164
    SquirtyPanda [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 1740
    • Joined: 18 Oct 2015

    smellycat19 wrote:

    Thank you. He's much more 'forward/dominant' than me even though he doesn't seem as outgoing perhaps, so I'm unsure how to start or initiate the conversation without seeming weird, clingy or awkward

    when I say theres a spark there, I can sense one and his actions show it too but not words. All he's said is he really likes me ect...

    Perhaps say I have had a message from someone asking me out on a date, shall I go or are we official? Something along them lines etc

    Men arent good with words/saying how they feel so you're probably lucky you've got ''he really likes you'' out of him tbh.

    1497447588
    mysteron [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 7166
    • Joined: 7 Jan 2014

    smellycat19 wrote:

    Thank you. He's much more 'forward/dominant' than me even though he doesn't seem as outgoing perhaps, so I'm unsure how to start or initiate the conversation without seeming weird, clingy or awkward

    when I say theres a spark there, I can sense one and his actions show it too but not words. All he's said is he really likes me ect...

    How I would do it is to go to pub or neutral venue , get some drinks and after excahnging plesantries say somehing like.

    " We have been seeing each other now for a few times , so how do you feel about seeing more of each other and making it more official ? "

    The key thing is to ask open questions starting with how.what when etc which will prevent any Yes or No responses.I wouldnt "pussy foot "around as you need to know as I think its reached a crucial point .

    If the subject of sex comes up then by all means talk about it but be careful of mentioning anything about any kinks etc( if you have any that is). If he is a vanilla type person that could scare him.

    1497448382
    smellycat19 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Captain
    • Posts: 79
    • Joined: 26 Feb 2015

    Lol Mysteron I don't think he's completely vanilla.He's more sexperienced than me for sure.
    I like both yours and squirtypandas suggestions. I think I'd easily be able to approach squirtypandas better but fearful of the answer or that he'd say go ahead with other dates. But I think your mysteron would be perhaps more tactful although we are seeing more of each other anyway (once a week at least)

    1497448923
    mysteron [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 7166
    • Joined: 7 Jan 2014

    TBH I think myself and Squirty Panda are on similar lines here . But your right tactful is going to be the key. But you are at that crossroads where you need to find out which diresction this fledgling relationship is going in.

    I presume then you must know of his experience through the application rather than through conversation. He could be that kinky that he may think he may scare you . So it is very important that you have this chat and try and cover all bases .

    1497449087
    smellycat19 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Captain
    • Posts: 79
    • Joined: 26 Feb 2015

    Hi Mysteron, yes very true. His dating profile rated him as sexperienced due to the types of sex related questions he chose to answer and the answers he gave. He's certainly more confident than me in this respect albeit a bit reserved still for now, which us understandable seeing as we've not known each other long nor been sleeping together long either

    1497449181
    mysteron [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 7166
    • Joined: 7 Jan 2014

    smellycat19 wrote:

    Hi Mysteron, yes very true. His dating profile rated him as sexperienced due to the types of sex related questions he chose to answer and the answers he gave. He's certainly more confident than ne in this respect albeit a bit reserved still for now, which us understandable seeing as we've not known each other long nor been sleeping together long too

    "Sleeping Together Long Too " Does that mean your already slieeping together ?

    1497449419
    smellycat19 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Captain
    • Posts: 79
    • Joined: 26 Feb 2015

    Hi Mysteron, only very recently yes. And hopefully not just for fun. It certainly seems much more intimate than just fun, he is quite affectionate and cuddly

    1497450809
    mysteron [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 7166
    • Joined: 7 Jan 2014

    Ok Personally I would have kept my knickers on or boxers in my case until we had "That Chat" .

    I just think it could have weakened your position slightly as he may say something like " I am happy as the way things are"

    So I would be prepared for that just in case .

    For your answer to that could be something like " So am I to a degree but I need to look a bit into the future and hopefully to share it with you " "So how do you feel about that? "

    Hopefully after that you will hear what you want to hear and make it official so to speak.

    Is there anything else we need to know ?

    1497451272
    smellycat19 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Captain
    • Posts: 79
    • Joined: 26 Feb 2015

    Thanks Mysteron. I know he's looking for a long term relationship too like myself so I know its not just casual sex or hook ups, but obviously don't know at this stage if he wants that to be with me and class me as his gf

    1497452166
    mysteron [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 7166
    • Joined: 7 Jan 2014

    smellycat19 wrote:

    Thanks Mysteron. I know he's looking for a long term relationship too like myself so I know its not just casual sex or hook ups, but obviously don't know at this stage if he wants that to be with me and class me as his gf

    Thats why you need to find out by having this chat . i think its only fair on you that you find out what the future is going to be .

    Online dating is always difficult as the first meet is almost like a prellude to the old fashioned first set eyes on each other in a pub.

    Hopefully you will get the answers you want . If not then why not try some of the old fashioned chasing in pubs and clubs in your own town centre. Its best to go with at least one friend. I know the places we frequent have lots of singles . I have had to put quite a few down gently . But it give yous a chance to study the mannerisms and behaviours of a person first before trying eye contact. You also know what they look like as well !

    Anyway let us all know how you get on and hopefully its a

    1497453850
    smellycat19 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Captain
    • Posts: 79
    • Joined: 26 Feb 2015

    Thank you Mysteron. Yes would like to do it the old fashioned way but time doesn't always allow for me to go out to pubs/bars plus all of my close friends have either moved away or are now married with very young children

    Post a reply to this thread

    Please sign in to post messages to the forum.