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  1. tips getting him hard?

    1496689254
    boggo [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Officer Cadet
    • Posts: 3
    • Joined: 18 Jun 2015

    Hey all!! I just started having a bit of a thing with a guy who told me beforehand that he's never shagged before. That's all fine and good, as I have kind of a thing for giving sexually inexperienced guys the time of their lives (it's really cute). Thing is, both times we've had sex so far he's not gotten fully hard, despite me spending quite a while sucking him off, and him saying he was having a really good time and that he finds me really hot.

    I'm excited to spend more time getting to know him in bed and him hopefully eventually coming into his own and getting a little more confident, but I was wondering if anyone (particularly anyone with a dick) could give me some advice with getting him hard? Also, is it common for someone who isn't very sexually experienced to struggle with it?

    Thanks folks!

    1496689835
    NatandTom [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 6686
    • Joined: 6 Jun 2015

    Super common for someone with little experience to struggle in this area. It could be over excitement or nerves causing him to lose his erection. Fear of performance can also be another boner killer. Focus on getting him to relax, rather than getting him hard. The latter should come naturally when he's able to loosen up and get lost in the moment.

    He could try cock rings in order to restrict blood flow to his penis and maintain his erection, but he might want some raw sex experiences first without introducing sex toys. You could also invest in some super sexy lingerie that will get his pulse going, but you still have the chance of nerves getting the better of him. Relaxation, patience and pacing are the keys to getting control over this situation.

    1496690136
    boggo [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Officer Cadet
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    • Joined: 18 Jun 2015

    NatandTom wrote:

    Super common for someone with little experience to struggle in this area. It could be over excitement or nerves causing him to lose his erection. Fear of performance can also be another boner killer. Focus on getting him to relax, rather than getting him hard. The latter should come naturally when he's able to loosen up and get lost in the moment.

    He could try cock rings in order to restrict blood flow to his penis and maintain his erection, but he might want some raw sex experiences first without introducing sex toys. You could also invest in some super sexy lingerie that will get his pulse going, but you still have the chance of nerves getting the better of him. Relaxation, patience and pacing are the keys to getting control over this situation.

    Thank you, that's all really helpful!! I just bought some lingerie for that very purpose ;) very good to know that it's pretty normal for someone to struggle first time. I'll probably forgo cock rings or any toys just now because I think it might freak him out a little at this stage, but I might suggest it if we keep having trouble.

    1496690804
    pusseypleaser [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant Colonel
    • Posts: 362
    • Joined: 4 Jun 2009

    Helping to relax will help and not focusing on sex but just enjoying each other company.

    1496695205
    The Woodie [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Major
    • Posts: 183
    • Joined: 14 Apr 2017

    Thinking that you have to perform, despite inexperience, can cause problems.

    So relaxation is a start, though not too much, or the same problem can occur.

    So keeping the excitement up but no pressure to perform. Can be a difficult balance.

    As the night progresses things can firm up for both of you.

    1496698140
    The Real Mr Grey [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Colonel
    • Posts: 149
    • Joined: 7 May 2015

    Relaxation and confidence building is important. But when you are ready to use toys on him try a bullet vibrator and run it slowly up and down his shaft and circling the head. he,ll love it.

    1496761262
    Bearjamin [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Brigadier
    • Posts: 68
    • Joined: 15 Jun 2016

    I can speak from experience here. I had the same trouble when I was first getting together with my OH. First of all; please, please, *please* don't be offended by his inability to get erect. It's all too easy to think "he must not be into me, or thinks I'm not attractive", especially if you have any sort of low body confidence (not saying you do). In reality it's most likely the opposite. He probably thinks you're *too* hot!

    When I met my OH, I thought "she is the sexiest damn thing I ever laid eyes on", I still think that now. I suffered from my own thoughts and anxieties, thinking "she could have anyone, why would she want me?". I really really liked her, but I was pretty inexperienced too. I didn't want to screw up my chance with her and wanted to be impressive in bed. I tried to read lots of things about how to be better, last longer, give great oral, etc... But when it came down to it, I'd put so much pressure on myself to perform that I was crumbling under my own expectations.

    I'm not exactly much of a confident person either so that didn't help. You know how you feel so nervous right before an interview? I was like that; heart pounding, nerves fireing, and I've got this smoking hot body on top of me practically begging for it, and I couldn't get it up if my life depended on it!
    When you think about it biologically, it makes sense. It's the fight or flight response to stress. Adrenaline starts to flow, your body redirects blood away from unnecessary functions and to your muscles, ready to run or fight the situation. Unfortunately none of this is useful for love making.

    This happend the first few times we tried. It's demoralising enough as it is already, feeling like less of a man, without the added burden of anxiety at the thought that the partner will react badly about it. My OH found it hard to accept it wasn't her fault because of her own self esteem issues. Luckily I was able to talk to her about it and ask her to be patient with me. It definitely helped to know she would try to be understanding. The following times we met up with no expectations of sex took a lot of pressure off. Eventually with time, I felt more relaxed and it came naturally.

    But don't be surprised if it happens again though; either not fully erect, or not erect at all. I was a complete beginner when it came to introducing sex toys and bondage in the bedroom, so that was another thing to get used to. I wasn't that I wasn't into it, I find bondage really hot, but I was anxious to begin with. Worrying if I'm doing things right; are the restraints hurting my partner; can she breathe with that ball gag in? Maybe sounds silly to some, but when you have these anxieties, it's hard to switch them off and it just kills your erection.

    He'll come around. Just be understanding and supportive. I still struggle sometimes even now if I'm tired, worrying about stuff or just not fully ready. Thing to remember is, not to expect men to be walking talking hard on machines that would have a go at anything with a hole in it. We are humans too. Things will get better. They have for me obviously, since my OH is now my fiancé :)

    1496761751
    Bearjamin [sign in to see picture]
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    Oops posted that twice. Can't seem to delete the second post, or leave this blank. I'll just leave this here then.
    1496762197
    boggo [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Officer Cadet
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    • Joined: 18 Jun 2015

    This is all super helpful!!! I was already telling myself it's not my fault or to do with my body or anything but it's always hard to get rid of those niggling doubts...really reassuring to have someone who's been on the other end of the experience reinforce that.

    It's good to know the general consensus is just that I need to help him relax. Obviously I'm excited to have successful sex with him, but right now I'm more interested in us just spending time being close together and getting to know each other sexually and otherwise. I'll try and make sure he knows there's no pressure, that I'm happy to just lie about together naked or whatever for a bit, and that I'm not invested in any super high expectations, I just really like hanging out with him and being close :)

    1496763010
    mysteron [sign in to see picture]
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    The only thing I can add is dont forget many guys like visual stimulants .

    Instead of being totally naked why not keep a pair of stockings on if he is a stockings type guy. Wherever possible wear sexy lingerie before hand . For me there is nothing more sexy than seeing a woman just in a pair of stockings and heels (if they dont get in the way). All that visual stimulation may help to keep him harder for longer .

    1496764051
    mysteron [sign in to see picture]
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    Another thing I have just thought of and it has affected me in the past.

    Just make sure the room where you intend having a session is warm enough and things like phones are switched off and the door is secure from any possible intrusion. The latter has played on my mind on more than one occasion. Consider having some relaxing background music on as well and if not driving some alchololic beverages to help relax both of you but don't over do it with alcohol as it can have a negative effect as regards performance. Just have enough to take the edge off things.

    1496826726
    Kanu Suckmeov [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: General
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    mysteron wrote:

    The only thing I can add is dont forget many guys like visual stimulants .

    Instead of being totally naked why not keep a pair of stockings on if he is a stockings type guy. Wherever possible wear sexy lingerie before hand . For me there is nothing more sexy than seeing a woman just in a pair of stockings and heels (if they dont get in the way). All that visual stimulation may help to keep him harder for longer .

    +1

    Also imagination! text him during the day and tell him how much you are looking forward to seeing him tonight, you might want to give him a hint as to what you might do with him. Nothing to strong, you dont want to scare him off!

    Good luck!

    1496830355
    toulouse [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Captain
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    • Joined: 6 Jun 2017

    mysteron wrote:

    Another thing I have just thought of and it has affected me in the past.

    Just make sure the room where you intend having a session is warm enough and things like phones are switched off and the door is secure from any possible intrusion. The latter has played on my mind on more than one occasion. Consider having some relaxing background music on as well and if not driving some alchololic beverages to help relax both of you but don't over do it with alcohol as it can have a negative effect as regards performance. Just have enough to take the edge off things.

    Yep I agree my hubby says half the fun is with the visual stimulation.

    1496830512
    toulouse [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Captain
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    mysteron wrote:

    The only thing I can add is dont forget many guys like visual stimulants .

    Instead of being totally naked why not keep a pair of stockings on if he is a stockings type guy. Wherever possible wear sexy lingerie before hand . For me there is nothing more sexy than seeing a woman just in a pair of stockings and heels (if they dont get in the way). All that visual stimulation may help to keep him harder for longer .

    Yep I agree. My hubby always says that visual is half the fun.

    1496882037
    The Woodie [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Major
    • Posts: 183
    • Joined: 14 Apr 2017

    I'm not sure how to put this.

    If he is going soft between activities, that may be because he is concentrating on what he is doing. Sounds very impersonal to the subject of this thread. But if he is hard when you are giving him oral and then goes soft when he is giving you oral, that is because he is concentrating on you and not himself. Which in my head is a good thing in many ways. If he then has to get encouragement for the full act then that is partly a confidence issue, which should resolve itself, as far as possible, with your attention and action. Sometimes softish hard is as good as the body gets, it isn't under the control of the owner, he may want to be 8" of ramrod stiff but the body just isn't going to oblige.  It is what it is and we have to work with what we are given.

    This sounds very twee but I'm not sure how explicit we can get get with the language.

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