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  1. Am I too nice?

    1498390187
    MrGoodGuy [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant
    • Posts: 35
    • Joined: 2 Jun 2017

    Tiger dick

    What amazing advice!
    This is definitely something I'm going to suggest -

    And your advice on approach of the first sessions is bob on too.

    Relationships should swing each way when required and this is a sensible way of balancing things.

    I can be assertive, and in a fair way I try to be.

    I think there's a fine line between being assertive and being a Dick lol

    Partnership means being equal, and fair - and I wouldn't want to be a jerk to the person I love and cherish.

    We are both adults, so let's tackle problems as adults, in a fair and reasonable manner.

    When talking stops, wars begin!

    1498477578
    mysteron [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
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    • Joined: 7 Jan 2014

    MrGoodGuy wrote:

    .

    When talking stops, wars begin!

    I sometimes call that "Cold War" because nothing actually happens but tensions then start rising .

    Its not always intentional either sometimes it just creeps up into a rtelationship becasue complacency and taking each other fro granted has set in. It normally can be resolved if both partners want that too happen.

    I always look at a relationship as an investment . The more you put into it the more you will likely get out of it in terms of happiness etc. If you dont put anything into it than you cant expect great returns and will often fail.

    1498547694
    More Sexy at 50 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Brigadier
    • Posts: 198
    • Joined: 6 Mar 2017

    Don't let the "Cold War" start. As I said I think we are on similar journeys, but talking has really helped get us started to improve our intimacy and sex life. I have had to pluck up courage a number of times over the last few months and repeatedly initiate conversations. It's not perfect yet, but my Wife is gradually starting to understand that I would like any form of reciprocation so that it's not all one way. We still haven't got to understand what the "block" is for her, but I'm hopeful that continuing to talk we will get understand.  My Wife says is that she doesn't think about sex and isn't that interested, she certainly seems to enjoy it when she gets oral so this doesn't seem to make sense to me.

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    leroylapaboy [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Officer Cadet
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    • Joined: 16 Jun 2017

    I was in a similar position to you. Then I (and circumstances) decided that there was more to this and I had to step up and do something for me. This did not mean taking any less care of her. I read a book called 'No more Mr nice guy' by a Dr Glover. This did not mean that I turned into a bad guy and the title should not be taken out of context. The book talks about confidence and getting what you want out of life. There is nothing wrong with with ' good guys', but their desire to please everyone else can leave them feeling bitter and unfulfilled. Another good book is the " Mindful attraction plan' by Athol Kay who also wrote the MMSL book. These are books that helped me after 20 years of marriage. I wish I had done it sooner. Turns out that with complete honesty (absolute bare bones honesty) she wanted me to actually be more in charge. We now have a D/s relationship that is stronger and better in every way. (Both in and out of the bedroom) In my case she was thinking for me and assuming I would devalue her if she told me what she wanted, or what she thought. I was surprised by her fantasies, both in the type and quantity. (Like being taken by a strong confident man) Getting her to open up was key, and it sounds like yours is very guarded. The first thing you need is confidence. You seem to have the skills. You may just need a paradigm shift. Change yourself and the way you perceive things and do things, the rest will follow. You don't need to completely change your life, just change one habit at a time and your life will change itself.

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    Aims85 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Major General
    • Posts: 384
    • Joined: 14 Dec 2016

    Maybe she's just got used to being the receiver.... I would speak to her and let her know how you're feeling❤ she may not realise how it's making you feel...and you need to be the receiver too.

    1498634896
    MrGoodGuy [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant
    • Posts: 35
    • Joined: 2 Jun 2017

    Again - amazing advice flooding in.
    Leyroylapaboy: I think you have opened up a new avenue which I'm keen to explore.
    I read feel the fear and do it anyway, another excellent book. This opened my thinking to new ideas, and has remained in my head since.

    You are spot on with her being guarded, and she does like me to be in charge in the bedroom, with light fantasies about me being forceful.

    I've asked her about other fantasies but she says she has none?

    I'm still trying to work out if she truly is blank when it comes to sexual ambition, or she's just shut the doors??
    If I had to guess I'd say she has none,that's the repeated message I get over 11 years.

    I think a cold war has come and gone a fair few times over the course of our relationship, probably in my head more than hers. Me being angry at her for not giving me attention - when I go out my way each day to make sure she's pleased.

    I'm getting over this way of thinking, and I'm fully intent on reading those books.

    I need sunshine to grow each day, and being a Happy go lucky kinda guy, I wake up each morning popping with energy and smiling.
    This has started to diminish when my head fills with the thought of not having the day ahead as I would want.

    She's definitely improving, but this shifts from good to normal depending on her day.

    Definitely work in progress!

    1498636391
    More Sexy at 50 [sign in to see picture]
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    • Joined: 6 Mar 2017

    Leroylapaboy, your advice is good for me too, thanks.

    Good luck Mr Goodguy, seems we both have a similar predicament.

    1498648100
    Lyndav71 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant Colonel
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    • Joined: 25 Feb 2017

    Mr GoodGuy in your first post you said she does make an effort when you ask her to which implies she wants to but things go back to normal after a bit and I'm glad to hear things are improving.

    You say she fantasises about you being more forceful but you say she doesn't seem to fantasise much. Couple of things you might want to think about :

    1) perhaps she is limited in her sexual experience and has not been exposed much. I have found, I go months without thinking about sex because life gets in the way (although i am single) but i go through periods of say months where I read erotic novels, watch some sexy movies, even some of the posts in the forum (funny ones or fantasy) I get ideas and horny and want to try things out. There are still times reading the forum when I wonder what a someone is talking about and then it is explained ie I read on here about probing and pegging etc and had never heard about it before I read the forum. M

    My point being if you don't know about something you can't think about or fantasise about it because your imagination is limited. Would do you think she be interested in learning more? Maybe introduce her to LH look at lingerie with her then show her the products and maybe suggest she look at the forum and use it to open up discussions with her.

    2) you don't have to be a "dick" to be assertive, maybe perhaps do this in everyday life

    i.e in life with family/work/friends is your wife a people pleaser?

    If so, sometimes saying to her no she's not doing something because she is being take advantage of will show her you love her and make her feel protected that you care to say to her no this is not something you should be doing ie sometimes we say yes to things because we don't want to let others down or we are worried by saying no we will cause offence

    I'm sorry think my thoughts going off track a bit. I'm not saying tell her what to do in the sense you remove her choice.

    I have a friend who is a strong, confident and independent lady but she was being treated very badly at work. Her husband is a nice guy and very laid back but was so incensed with her employer he said "he was not going to the Christmas do and he didn't think she should go" she didn't want to go without him or go knowing it would make him unhappy and recognised her husband was right and if he was to go he wouldn't be able to not say something. She said her husband rarely put his foot down over anything which made her stop and accept his decision.

    1498648154
    Lyndav71 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant Colonel
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    I think rambling bit there trying to give examples but think point may have got a bit lost

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    SmokingHotLove [sign in to see picture]
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    Mr GG I hope you've asserted yourself and got what you so deserve... reciprocation 🤗
    Let us know how you've overcame that hurdle? I'm hopeful that you channeled your inner self and asserted your needs?
    Feeling positive!!!!!

    1502504046
    MrGoodGuy [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant
    • Posts: 35
    • Joined: 2 Jun 2017

    Hi folks - so a bit of an update for you.
    Things have definitely improved, but in what we do sexually as opposed to being touched and receiving.
    But she's made a real effort, and my sex life has gone off the chart - just hoping it's sustainable!

    We've been on holiday and gone naturist - the 1st day she dragged me to the room after a morning of med sunshine and a mild breeze clearly blew some cobwebs away!
    We've had a play with a butt plug and the use of fingers.
    And we did some dares......
    Wearing a butt plug on the beach /pool area definitely gave us some laffs

    Fun is definitely a key part of sex and being able to laugh at each other and ourselves made things amazing.

    The usual no kickers kinda dares and a few bedroom dares - but it kinda fizzled off mid holidays. She'd tried and I realised I should be happy with that, despite being like a kid in the sweet shop and wanting it all week.

    We've been back a few weeks and done a few things too.

    One was going to a swingers club - just for the giggles.
    We like to people watch and thought it'd be horny to see what kind of things go on in such places?

    Alas it was quite empty, and we didn't really experience much - we did however make use of some private rooms utilising mirrors and heart shaped beds - which she totally surprised me with!

    Think we might be going again when it's a bit busier, to do what we planned on doing last time - a bit of watching and maybe picking a few tips up on new stuff?

    I have a wife worth a million trillion in any currency - and I love and appreciate her like you wudnt believe, I've just got to be careful as she's done so much and tried real hard, and it would be easy to get used to, but work and normal life tend to burst bubbles and I don't want this dream to end!

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