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  1. Am I too nice?

    1496779276
    MrGoodGuy [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant
    • Posts: 35
    • Joined: 2 Jun 2017

    Pusseypleaser my wife is very reluctant to talk about things too, perhaps talking means tackling the issue?

    Not talking about it keeps the status quo.

    Councilling is definitely a big no no too

    In my case I honestly believe me being a giver has sort of trained her to get things one way, and perhaps she's forgotten how to give back?

    Even when the topic is raised and agreed, a short while later things go back to normal.

    Almost feel we have our relationship the wrong way round, I'm the person who wants romance, cuddles, massages and soppy films. I do bloke stuff, but hate sport and don't put friends and the pub before her.

    She's not really interested in the Mills and boon experience, and we almost could be house mates some time.

    Is love a trap?

    You meet up and have that honeymoon experience, and fall in love *

    You make commitments and plan a life together, and when the novelty of the new relationship wears of, it's OK to give little effort to your love life?

    Because your partner loves you and will understand?

    She tells me I'm a perfect husband, can't imagine life without me, but doesn't put much effort into love.

    Go figure?

    1496780492
    Tiger Dick [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: General
    • Posts: 1368
    • Joined: 9 Nov 2016

    MrGoodGuy wrote:

    Pusseypleaser my wife is very reluctant to talk about things too, perhaps talking means tackling the issue?

    Not talking about it keeps the status quo.

    Councilling is definitely a big no no too

    Here's the thing the first two lines do suggest that the third line is whats needed. If you can't communicate AND change what's wrong then you need help, that is what it is.

    I really hate the stigma associated with places such as relate, when in truth it shows you both care enough to want to be happy as a couple. I'm failing to see the attraction of being kind and unhappy, when that kindness can be reciplicated with understanding and feeling from your partner. Just my 2 pence worth... Good luck anyway.

    1496790614
    toulouse [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Captain
    • Posts: 79
    • Joined: 6 Jun 2017

    Hi

    I am a newbie today but have just been reading this thread. You sound like a really caring person who has a lot to give. My hubby is the same and when I was going through the menopause my sex drive went to rock bottom for about two years. My hubby tried everything and then he ignored me. I didn't think anything of it to start with and then I started thinking he had gone off me...I realised I had got into a rut as I had turned my feelings off. We talked about it and even considered counselling but after some pretty intense conversations we realised there was a problem. We still have the odd time now when I get hormonal but it really helps to be honest with each other. Sometimes it is as simple as not having the same hormone levels and having to think up new ways of creating excitement. Just keep communication open...it is so important and don't put pressure on each other.

    1496837555
    SmokingHotLove [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Major General
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    • Joined: 26 Apr 2015

    MrGoodGuy wrote:

    Am i too nice? In most relationships i like to do all the giving, I enjoy seeing a woman having pleasure. I love giving women oral, massages, sented baths, gifts, and doing everything i can to please her - women are wonderful in every way, and they deserve to be treated that way.

    But after a while i find they take me for granted, and the giving stays one way?

    I don't mind, but it's nice to have something back?

    I'm married for 12 years and our sex lives seem to be all her way. I love her o the moon and back, band find her as attractive as the day i met her. But i feel lonely sometimes.

    Have i spoilt her so much she doesn't know how to give back anymore?

    "Yes" you're too nice... not for being a giver, but for ALWAYS putting yourself 2nd, 3rd or 4th!

    I myself am very lucky and fortunate enough to have a partner/hubby that (very much like your awesome self) just wants to give and give and make sure my needs are first and foremost! In saying that... I am not silly and am very aware that he too needs rewarded for his selfless, mind blowing appreciation of making me his number 1 priority! He asks for nothing (as he doesn't have to) and when I turn the tables and tell him it's "his turn to be my priority" his excitement and sheer pleasure always blows him away!

    It takes 2 to create a respectful partnership and she needs to show you (willingly/by choice) that, although you are an amazing lover, she can/will also put you first! She is def spoilt and sounds like she is taking you for granted! This happens too often and you need to make her realise that, although you are soooooo into her! You need to feel that it's reciprocated!

    If you can, take away all her privileges, I can guarantee she'll be wanting to know why! Communication is a must in all healthy relationships. They 100% seem like they're abusing your need to please them! Talk to them, tell them you want to experience being the one that's receiving the pleasure for a change.

    We all like a bit of variety, so change it up! That's what keeps the interest at the end of the day! Be tough and ask for what you deserve... good luck!

    After all, you're what so many woman would snap you up for! I'm under no illusion of how lucky I am... You deserve this.... TELL them 😜

    1496869143
    pusseypleaser [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant Colonel
    • Posts: 353
    • Joined: 4 Jun 2009

    MrGoodGuy wrote:

    Pusseypleaser my wife is very reluctant to talk about things too, perhaps talking means tackling the issue?

    Not talking about it keeps the status quo.

    Councilling is definitely a big no no too

    In my case I honestly believe me being a giver has sort of trained her to get things one way, and perhaps she's forgotten how to give back?

    Even when the topic is raised and agreed, a short while later things go back to normal.

    Almost feel we have our relationship the wrong way round, I'm the person who wants romance, cuddles, massages and soppy films. I do bloke stuff, but hate sport and don't put friends and the pub before her.

    She's not really interested in the Mills and boon experience, and we almost could be house mates some time.

    Is love a trap?

    You meet up and have that honeymoon experience, and fall in love *

    You make commitments and plan a life together, and when the novelty of the new relationship wears of, it's OK to give little effort to your love life?

    Because your partner loves you and will understand?

    She tells me I'm a perfect husband, can't imagine life without me, but doesn't put much effort into love.

    Go figure?

    I have accepted that it is what I do and enjoy it as much as possible and do it with a smile

    1496878770
    Lyndav71 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant Colonel
    • Posts: 255
    • Joined: 25 Feb 2017

    Mr GoodGuy you sound like a decent and loving man who has been with his partner a long time.

    Communication is the key - is there something going on which is affecting your partner and her sex drive? i.e. Have you considered your partner may be depressed/going through menopause?

    There are some really helpful suggestions out there.

    1496878801
    Lyndav71 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant Colonel
    • Posts: 255
    • Joined: 25 Feb 2017

    Mr GoodGuy you sound like a decent and loving man who has been with his partner a long time.

    Communication is the key - is there something going on which is affecting your partner and her sex drive? i.e. Have you considered your partner may be depressed/going through menopause?

    There are some really helpful suggestions out there.

    1496879419
    Lone Ranger [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant Colonel
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    All these baths and massages, flowers and stuff, must have devalued them. Talking is the key. Does she want a bit more spontaneous action?

    1496912946
    MrGoodGuy [sign in to see picture]
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    Smokinghotlove I think you are right, I do tend to put myself second.
    Pretty much throughout our day I think of her first -Serving a meal, I give her more or the best steak, I'll make her a drink, let her have my coat if it's raining.etc

    I was raised to respect women - we wouldn't be alive without them!
    But my love of women goes further - they are really amazing creatures. And tend to get a raw deal in life from us blokes, I don't need to emphasise we all know the score.

    But many blokes treat women bad, why? I just don't get it?
    You wake in the morning and you see her lying on the pillow, hair scruffy, no make up - and she looks more beautiful than ever. She walks across the room naked and her body is amazing, she's got imperfections, but that's what makes her - Her! She's individual, wouldn't want it any other way?
    She curls up in your arms and u feel manly holding her and protecting her. She's your best friend, your confidant. Your shoulder to cry on, perhaps a mother to your kids. She keeps house and holds down a job.

    The little noises she makes when making love, that melt you inside, how good she smells, the look in her eyes when she says she loves you?

    I could go on all day saying how wonderful women are, and if you don't see that in your lady - think you need to take time out and think about that girl you first met and what you once had? It's still her inside!

    So how could I not put her first? Isn't a relationship about meeting in the middle, but when you can you do as much as you can for the most important person in your life?
    If she returns the favour, then that's the stuff that amazing relationships are made of.

    I think she thinks it's all about sex - blokes want it 365 days a year right?
    It's not, it's about a touch of naked flesh (your side for example) whilst washing up, an unexpected kiss, a sexy text, spooning me in bed, her asking for sex, or asking to do something.
    Her being spontaneous, or writing me a poem, running me a bath, putting post its around the kitchen with love messages.
    My list of things I do his huge, hers can fit on a postage stamp.

    It's draining giving all one way, and I secretly get mad at her, but I don't say anything as arguments create bad feeling - if you can't talk to the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, who can you talk to?

    Just wished she'd talk back?

    I'm deeply dippy about her, 12 years into our relationship and fancy her more now than ever. But can't deny I have stray thoughts about moving on?
    Hate myself for having them, but do I want to spend the rest of my life bargaining for affection?

    Love has a tight grip on me, and I've said my vows.
    Marriage is too disposable these days, and relationships take work.
    It's just about finding a solution.

    Cheers for all the comments folks, it's great seeing different angles of thought, and is helping me look at my relationship in different ways.

    1496916893
    Lil_MissNaughty [sign in to see picture]
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    You sound totally amazing and I'm sure many women would love it if their man was half as loving as you!

    I'm afraid I can't offer any advice over what others have said. It seems that you've unfortunately married someone who isn't on the same wavelength or who has fallen into a rut about not being bothered to make an effort, which is such a shame.

    Talking is the only way to resolve things. She's got to be made aware of how unhappy you are as you can't spend the rest of your lives together secretly hating her. Maybe you could speak to a counsellor first and see what they suggest.

    Wishing you best wishes and lots of luck x

    1496977703
    Lyndav71 [sign in to see picture]
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    Toulouse and Smoking hot make valid points. Your comments throughout the thread indicate you are an amazing man.

    You don't indicate you and partners ages, whether you have kids etc, there could be a number of issues ie as Toulouse mentioned menopause alternatively depression, bringing up kids or concerns about elderly relatives, work and career that all take a toll.

    Maybe you and your other half have different libido levels.

    I think your wife probably realises how lucky she is and loves you to bits even if it doesn't feel like it and she doesn't always show it.

    I would say as everyone on here has you need to talk to her, somewhere neutral but not in a blaming way. Tell her you love her, tell her you wouldn't cheat on, tell her you fancy her and what you want to do to her and what you'd like her to do to you but equally you need to listen to her and ask her questions like " do you still love me?" , " do I turn you on?", " what do you want me to do to you?", " what would you like to do to me?"

    Have you considered that the regular pampering becomes routine and taken for granted it becomes commonplace and not special?

    You need to dial it back - don't stop completely all women want to feel pampered but maybe do it as a reward for her or if comfort is needed.

    You do sound a bit resentful of the one-sided giving but ask yourself this DID your wife ask you to do this all the time????

    Maybe by giving all the time it makes it hard for her to give back.

    You have said she admits to being a lazy lover but you do say she does make an effort when you ask her to even if its temporary so its not that she's unwilling to do things for you.

    Have you considered by doing all you for her you have made yourself submissive and put her in control? She may be resentful of you giving her control maybe she would like you to be a bit more masterful with her ie have a quickie, tell her what to do from time to time.

    Maybe as said before the pampering is a reward for good behaviour/doing what you want or when you feel she needs its emotionally rather than all the time.

    Hope that makes sense and good luxk

    1496981181
    SmokingHotLove [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Major General
    • Posts: 194
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    MrGoodGuy wrote:

    Smokinghotlove I think you are right, I do tend to put myself second.
    Pretty much throughout our day I think of her first -Serving a meal, I give her more or the best steak, I'll make her a drink, let her have my coat if it's raining.etc

    I was raised to respect women - we wouldn't be alive without them!
    But my love of women goes further - they are really amazing creatures. And tend to get a raw deal in life from us blokes, I don't need to emphasise we all know the score.

    But many blokes treat women bad, why? I just don't get it?
    You wake in the morning and you see her lying on the pillow, hair scruffy, no make up - and she looks more beautiful than ever. She walks across the room naked and her body is amazing, she's got imperfections, but that's what makes her - Her! She's individual, wouldn't want it any other way?
    She curls up in your arms and u feel manly holding her and protecting her. She's your best friend, your confidant. Your shoulder to cry on, perhaps a mother to your kids. She keeps house and holds down a job.

    The little noises she makes when making love, that melt you inside, how good she smells, the look in her eyes when she says she loves you?

    I could go on all day saying how wonderful women are, and if you don't see that in your lady - think you need to take time out and think about that girl you first met and what you once had? It's still her inside!

    So how could I not put her first? Isn't a relationship about meeting in the middle, but when you can you do as much as you can for the most important person in your life?
    If she returns the favour, then that's the stuff that amazing relationships are made of.

    I think she thinks it's all about sex - blokes want it 365 days a year right?
    It's not, it's about a touch of naked flesh (your side for example) whilst washing up, an unexpected kiss, a sexy text, spooning me in bed, her asking for sex, or asking to do something.
    Her being spontaneous, or writing me a poem, running me a bath, putting post its around the kitchen with love messages.
    My list of things I do his huge, hers can fit on a postage stamp.

    It's draining giving all one way, and I secretly get mad at her, but I don't say anything as arguments create bad feeling - if you can't talk to the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, who can you talk to?

    Just wished she'd talk back?

    I'm deeply dippy about her, 12 years into our relationship and fancy her more now than ever. But can't deny I have stray thoughts about moving on?
    Hate myself for having them, but do I want to spend the rest of my life bargaining for affection?

    Love has a tight grip on me, and I've said my vows.
    Marriage is too disposable these days, and relationships take work.
    It's just about finding a solution.

    Cheers for all the comments folks, it's great seeing different angles of thought, and is helping me look at my relationship in different ways.

    You respect and love her so much, which is why you feel resentment. It's hard to understand why she's not the same if she claims she loves you too.

    She should be your best friend as well as your lover and soul mate.

    You have such amazing values and for some reason trying to express your feelings doesn't seem to be getting through to her, or she's not taking what your saying seriously enough?

    You give way more than most men and not just in the bedroom, which proves just how into her, as a whole, you are!

    Maybe your concerns are not being expressed with enough conviction, so she's not getting a clear picture of the hurt, sadness, frustration and anger you're feeling? If you're getting thoughts about walking away, but love her then find a way (even if it does cause an argument) to make her understand.

    Be more assertive, don't let her assume everything's ok. I'm sure she'd rather have you spell it out, loud and clear, than lose you.

    Assumption and taking things for granted are what you've enabled her to do! This is so fixable! Find your inner "I have needs to" voice and make her understand you. Good luck 😉

    1497000102
    More Sexy at 50 [sign in to see picture]
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    • Joined: 6 Mar 2017

    I'm on the same journey, having got off to a ropey start, I plucked up courage to talk my Wife about my needs and our lack of sexual intimacy, especially for me, but it takes time to change when your relationship becomes "stuck". One thing we have found useful in talking is that it has enabled us to reconnect and reassert our love and commitment to each other. Any issues or problems can be worked out together if you have this solid base, combined with open talking.

    1497012489
    Lyndav71 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant Colonel
    • Posts: 255
    • Joined: 25 Feb 2017

    Mr GoodGuy you write your thoughts and feelings elegantly, maybe if verbal talking isn't helping try writing her a letter telling her how you have told us.

    Sometimes a letter is less confrontational and I don't know about you but I find written communication easier than verbal.

    Maybe ask her to write you a letter if shares reluctant to talk.

    Some people find writing a cop out and indirect but it can open up the dialogue you need.

    Maybe try an exercise  or play a game where you both write answers to questions such as:

    - what attracts you to each other

    - what do you appreciate about each other

    - what are you grateful for

    - what is each others best quality

    - what part of each others body do you each like best

    - do you feel comfortable masturbating in front of each other

    - what about each other makes you laugh

    - what do you booth want for your relationship

    - do you both think other areas of your relationship are good outside of the sex

    - what do you both not like about sex

    - what do you both enjoy and like about sex

    - is there spontaneity ie quickie etc

    - can you and your partner surprise each other

    Maybe when relaxed on a night out play truth and dare with each other make it fun to talk rather than OK we need to talk 

    1498002800
    Time4fun [sign in to see picture]
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    MrGoodGuy. It's fantastic that you adore your wife and you want to please her and make her happy however it's a 2 way street and she should be doing the same for you.

    I'm fortunate to have my OH who I know adores me however I know I've taken this for granted over the years and as such I failed to address some issues cause I assumed he isn't going anywhere, which although I was right with this assumption it wasnt fair on him.

    Most women want a good guy and so do I but I also want a guy that puts me in my place, tells me I'm being unreasonable and isn't frightened to have an argument with me and do you know what, that makes me respect him even more and best of all it then makes me want to get it on with him. If my OH started to cater for my every whim, became a yes man and subservient he would loose his masculine appeal and therefore his appeal as a sexual partner. I want an equal not a doormat.

    You need to address your day to day issues before you can move onto areas in the bedroom.

    1498007584
    Lyndav71 [sign in to see picture]
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    Mr Goodguy, hope the forum helped and let us know how it worked out?

    1498067565
    More Sexy at 50 [sign in to see picture]
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    Mr GoodGuy, in another thread someone asked me if I was in a sub/Dom relationship and it has got me thinking that me and my Wife may have fallen it to that naturally, I wonder if that has happened to you too. Now I'm older I've become less happy with the status quo and want to switch roles more, again this sounds similar for you. I've yet to discuss this theory with my Wife, but you may also wish to think about this.

    1498170665
    illtakethehighroad [sign in to see picture]
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    i just read these posts and have been there as well.

    For years my OH  fobbed me off with me doing all the work to make her feel great but not really receprocated. I give her oral, she makes excuses. Me feeling like doing all the work. Really felt unloved in that respect even though i said its important to me.

    We are better now sex wise (rest of our relationship is great) but it is really work in progress. I had tried to get to the bottom of what it was but said she just wasnt as interested in it as me. Actiually its not really that, she was bought up in a fairly abusive and unloving household and taught she was dirty. When it comes down to it, she has in the back of her mind sex is wrong even though she knows that is not true. She enjoys sex but thats always there as well.

    For you guys it might well be the same underlying issues. Also now i dont take it quite so personally she doesnt get as defensive when it comes up. She is in a better place in general and that helps with the sex life. It is not a standalone issue

    I think you guys will have to take it slowly and be supportive no matter how frustrated you get, as you have said it will take time.

    Good luck!

    1498358381
    MrGoodGuy [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi
    I've read all your posts a few times over, and find similarities in what's been said - to what I experience.

    A bit of reflection; yes I guess we've fallen into a sub dom style relationship, perhaps I've created this, as I think I give the impression I love to give! - which I do.
    But as this often forms the lion's share of each sexual experience, I guess I've shaped the way she thinks I like sex?

    She too was raised in a household where sex was shameful, and endured a loveless marriage for many years before meeting me.

    So along I come, a new male - firefighter, with muscles.. Who loves to treat and respect women, encouraging her to lye back and enjoy the ride.

    It dawned on me a while ago that as a bloke you are programmed to question if she's the Best You Can Do?
    But rarely do you ask yourself "Am I the best SHE can do?"
    I'm normal in looks I'd say, but tall and muscular - I'm confident and know my way around a woman, but inside I don't have much self worth - probably because I've not always been popular with women and I've been cheated on repeatedly - which destroyed me 3 times in a row.

    So I'm guessing my stanse is to give 110% to a woman, to be the best I can be for her. That's been taken for granted and abused previously, which has rocked me inside even more.

    I've got a good woman, she has amazing qualities.and is loyal and loving through and through.

    Perhaps it's not her with the problem - but me
    Being needy, seeing sex as a connection to feeling loved and needed.
    Giving and giving without thinking about me, as I'm scared that wanting something back will put her off me so I over compensate?

    It's who I've become, and I've made my vows.
    It doesn't make it any easier acknowledging my flaws, I'll always be a people pleaser and a giver.

    I find women amazing, intelligent, kind and they possess a million qualities us blokes can't begin to understand.

    Guess I need to find peace within myself and be happy with what I have instead of questioning what I don't have!

    1498376052
    Tiger Dick [sign in to see picture]
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    MrGoodGuy wrote:

    Hi
    I've read all your posts a few times over, and find similarities in what's been said - to what I experience.

    A bit of reflection; yes I guess we've fallen into a sub dom style relationship, perhaps I've created this, as I think I give the impression I love to give! - which I do.
    But as this often forms the lion's share of each sexual experience, I guess I've shaped the way she thinks I like sex?

    She too was raised in a household where sex was shameful, and endured a loveless marriage for many years before meeting me.

    So along I come, a new male - firefighter, with muscles.. Who loves to treat and respect women, encouraging her to lye back and enjoy the ride.

    It dawned on me a while ago that as a bloke you are programmed to question if she's the Best You Can Do?
    But rarely do you ask yourself "Am I the best SHE can do?"
    I'm normal in looks I'd say, but tall and muscular - I'm confident and know my way around a woman, but inside I don't have much self worth - probably because I've not always been popular with women and I've been cheated on repeatedly - which destroyed me 3 times in a row.

    So I'm guessing my stanse is to give 110% to a woman, to be the best I can be for her. That's been taken for granted and abused previously, which has rocked me inside even more.

    I've got a good woman, she has amazing qualities.and is loyal and loving through and through.

    Perhaps it's not her with the problem - but me
    Being needy, seeing sex as a connection to feeling loved and needed.
    Giving and giving without thinking about me, as I'm scared that wanting something back will put her off me so I over compensate?

    It's who I've become, and I've made my vows.
    It doesn't make it any easier acknowledging my flaws, I'll always be a people pleaser and a giver.

    I find women amazing, intelligent, kind and they possess a million qualities us blokes can't begin to understand.

    Guess I need to find peace within myself and be happy with what I have instead of questioning what I don't have!

    It's great to know that you've been able to find some semblence of who you are and what she is from all this and that this forum has in part opened your eyes to this.

    I'm still drawn to your original post and that part that you feel is missing. In that regards I'm going to suggest that you try and agree some form of agreement that on a seasonal basis, you have an "All about me day" This would comprise of your OH basically surcoming to your needs 4 times a year. That's once in 91 days. It may encourage her in the longer term to come into your line of thinking without feeling that she has to go this way as a perminant lifestyle choice. I'm not advocating that you deceive her when I suggest that your first couple of sessions, should you apply this to your relationship, but go easy on her. It needs to feel to her that it's "not so bad..." This may indeed (and I hope it does) awaken her into thinking that this giving lark leaves her feeling warm inside, you know that feeling right..

    This will give you both time to come to terms with what you have. In her case, it will remind her that its not all about recieving the gift of a loving relationship, but having to earn (in want of a better word) it. For you it means that you are given something that you crave , but aren't asking her to make wholescale changes that threaten her.

    In my view it will be a win-win for you both, ALWAYS the best outcome in any relationship. Nobody wants to be feeling that they have drawn the short straw. In your case, refering to your original post, something that you know about. It's always easy on the outside looking in. Looking at the last post and how other relationships have panned out for you, maybe you ARE too nice....

    I maybe wrong here, but whilst generally most women do like a respectful, caring and generous man, they also like a bit of asertiveness and firmness that makes them feel the man commands respect in return. In your case, it sounds like the latter is missing from your personality, although thats what you want to feel. Hence why I would still advocate conselling, its a two-way thing, but I respect thats not the route you want to persue.

    I'm genuinely rooting for you, as are others here I suspect, as we all love a happy ending here.

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