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  1. Feeling guilty and ashamed for no reason! Help please!

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    Emilyyy [sign in to see picture]
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    Hello everyone,

    I posted on here last year I think but I am still having the same problem. I feel really guilty when trying to masterbate or when having sex with my partner. I know I have no reason too and I am not really religious so it is not that but I just can't stop it. It has stopped me wanting to have sex with my partner but he doesn't really understand the problem I have. I also have never had an orgasm (both by myself (with/without toys) or with a partner) so I don't know if the guilt is maybe from him trying things and them not working on me?

    Any tips/advice on how to overcome this? even tips on how to maybe try orgasm with my partner for the first time?

    1495003503
    Lil_Red_Kinkyboots [sign in to see picture]
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    • Joined: 13 Jan 2012

    Hi Emily,

    I read your old posts. I think you need to find the root cause of why you feel guilty in masterbating and achieving orgasm. I'm sorry to say this but it sounds as though you have a mental block rather than anything physical. The first thing that sprang to my mind was that there is a deep rooted belief springing from your childhood. Something may have been said to you which you cannot even remember. Of course I could be wrong but have you considered going to your doctor or sexual counsellor as they could really help you.

    We can all tell you that you shouldn't feel guilty (which you shouldn't) but us telling you this isn't going to help you as it hasn't so far.

    I'm sorry if I sound blunt but your biggest sex organ is your brain and this needs to be stimulated to even get aroused let alone orgasm. X

    1495003994

    [suspended user]

    suspended user
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    When we get aroused there are many ,many things going on in our body and mind.. Women are very much more mentally stimulated. The natural desire to be needed and wanted is all Norma! Occasionally though the signals can go wrong or be misinterpreted.

    Usuay something in their upbringing or a bad experience has made a deep impression and either inhibitits or changes the correct emotion.

    A common feature is as a little girl being told that any thing toiletries is dirty, stop playing with yourself its dirty.

    Most importantly you need to start to relax around sex , solo or shared. Just focus on the physical pleasure not think about it . focus on the touch.

    Good luck.

    1495004414
    pinkanimal [sign in to see picture]
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    You have to clear your mind, just allow yourself to feel.
    I can only orgasm if I'm completely relaxed and into it, If anything distracts me it just doesn't work.

    Clear example is a Sunday morning fumble, if the kids are arguing or being especially loud and I can hear them then I can't relax enough to come, no matter how hard hubby tries.

    I also struggle on solo, with or without toys I just can't on my own.

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    Yummymummy :-* [sign in to see picture]
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    Awww I'm sorry to hear you're struggling. Is it anxiety? I only say this because I get anxious but my anxiety feels like guilt. Like I've done something wrong but can't remember what it is. Do you think you could talk to your doctor about this?

    The only thing I can suggest is to try to relax as much as possible. Have a long, steamy bath, put some music on (which might help your mind stay unfocussed). Use plenty of lubricant and if you feel any waves of guilt or anxiety coming, say a little mantra, "This is normal, I'm normal, this feels good, nothing bad is going to happen" then if it relaxes you/the wave of guilt eases, start again.

    You are normal, masturbation is normal, loving yourself is ok, there is nothing to feel guilty about. I know you know that, but sometimes it is good to hear someone else say it.

    Take care of yourself and good luck with everything. xx

    1495017654
    *sexybabe* [sign in to see picture]
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    Some great advice there from Yummy Mummy. It's really hard to change something which has been programmed into you, perhaps from childhood. But it is possible! And you'll get there. Follow the advice above, that will really help.

    Another great way of reducing a negative emotion is something called a 'balancing exercise'. It goes something like this:

    Alow the negative thoughts to come into your mind.

    (Give yourself a few seconds to really focus on them).

    And then allow yourself to remember a time when you felt really good.

    (Again, give yourself a few seconds to really focus on this).

    Repeat the above 8 times.

    The 'switching' method gradually reduces the intensity of your emotion until it fades to nothing.

    It's an exercise a life coach taught me years ago and I use it a lot, although these days I hardly get anxious enough to use it!

    7-11 breathing also helps reduce anxiety or negative feelings. Breathe in to the count of 7, then out to the count of 11. Exhaling for longer lowers adrenaline and makes you feel more calm.

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    SmokingHotLove [sign in to see picture]
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    Emilyyy wrote:

    Hello everyone,

    I posted on here last year I think but I am still having the same problem. I feel really guilty when trying to masterbate or when having sex with my partner. I know I have no reason too and I am not really religious so it is not that but I just can't stop it. It has stopped me wanting to have sex with my partner but he doesn't really understand the problem I have. I also have never had an orgasm (both by myself (with/without toys) or with a partner) so I don't know if the guilt is maybe from him trying things and them not working on me?

    Any tips/advice on how to overcome this? even tips on how to maybe try orgasm with my partner for the first time?

    Stop putting so much pressure on yourself Hun!

    I can guarantee the whole "this is what's expected of me" mindset, will only have the opposite effect my love. You need to clear your head from whatever guilt you're feeling. Retrain your thought process and convince yourself that you're entitled to enjoy this intimateness with your OH.

    Relax and let it happen, the best enjoyment comes unexpected. Revel in what attracts you to him, don't be tense and enjoy what connects you both. Massive luck and love sent your way lovely, don't let your head ruin your pleasure!

    1495331440
    illtakethehighroad [sign in to see picture]
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    I dont know how old you arre but you dont have to be bought up in a religious or conservative family to feel the sort of guilt you are talking about. I think it is pretty common. Lets be honest in this country we are reserved. Anyone over a certain age will have had pretty much no sex education and then only thing told to them about their neither regions are they are "dirty". not very conducive to finding yourself!

    Is your guilt because you think sex is wrong, or is it self esteem issues? do you find your body wrong. Or do you just expect not to enjoy yourself?

    I think you need to be honst with your other half about how you are feeling, he might be feeling pushed away and a problem shared! be honest say you dont really know what works, that way you can both try and find out.

    I think you need to explore your own body. If you get a moment, say in the shower, touch yourself all over and see where you are most senstive, its going to take work to get over the guilt. it wont happen overnight.

    Look my OH would never let me touch her clitorus for years, i assumed it was too sensitive. She was told when she was younger never to touch herself, thats why. In the end we have got to a point where she will let me go down on her but it took her years.

    Good luck and dont be hard on yourself, you are more normal than you think!

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    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    You've recieved many good advices so far.

    Talking to your oh and telling him about your feeling of guilt is a good idea. Be honnest with him. I think that going to a therapist would also be helpful. They'd help you finding the root of that problem, you need to know where that guilt is coming from in order to work on it qbd get past it.

    I also advice that you keep trying to masturbate. Don't masturbate with having an orgasm as the goal. Instead, masturbate until you do not feel as guilty anymore. This may take a lot of time and many sessions, but I think that you have to work of that alone before anything. Being alone eliminates many factors that coule be the cause of your feeling, and if you get to feel entitled and not guilty by yourself, then it's gonna be way easier to try and feel good with your oh too. It can also help you discover if the issue in within yourself or if it's something other like the guilt of having your oh trying to please you etc.

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