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  1. New to sex and not feeling it

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    sexy little minx [sign in to see picture]
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    Babydoll I really feel for you and can understand where you are coming from. A lot of what you say reminds me of my relationship with my ex. We kept the relationship going far too long for all the wrong reasons, sure it hurt when it ended but I got over it and I'm a much stronger person for it. It takes two people to make a relationship work and it sounds to me like there is only one person in your relationship who is working for it. You sound so sad and unhappy when you should be having the time of your life, life definetly is too short.

    I believe everyone comes into your life for 1 of 3 things, a reason, a season or a lifetime.

    A reason is short term, could be for any reason, guidence, to put you on the right path, a quick lesson to learn ect

    A season is more long term, could be years. Someone that will be there for you until the time comes that you don't need them anymore or vice versa.

    A lifetime is something that doesn't come along very often, they will be there for you no matter what you do or go through...

    Only you can decide if he is a reason, a season or a lifetime. Hope that made some sense. x

    1265238527
    Tigerlilies [sign in to see picture]
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    sexy little minx wrote:

    It takes two people to make a relationship work

    Have to say that's one of the soundest things I've read amongst some brilliant advice.

    I recommend a listen to the fabulous Miss Lauryn Hill

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eoB1d-ssppw

    What you want might make you cry
    What you need might pass you by
    If you don't catch it,
    And what you need ironically
    Will turn out what you want to be
    If you just let it

    1265924907
    baby.d0llo9 [sign in to see picture]
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    ok so i've not reply as i've been at ma parents house i try and visit them when i can

    me and my bf went there an tbh he was much nicer while we was there and for a few days after but then it was back to normal.. i honestly think it is cause of his xbox, as when he couldnt go on it i was so happy .. and then once he had been on the xbox the argument started as did him never coming off there.. i honestly dont know what to do.. he doesnt sleep cause of something that happened to him.,. and its a struggle to even get him off the xbox to do my hot water bottle on a night / tuck me in,..

    Thing is tho i love him.. i know i do.. i just wish the relationship didnt involve 3 people (me him and ofcourse the xbox)

    1265928882
    *Emma* [sign in to see picture]
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    Often love is blind and you have to think of your long term happiness. x

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    bigbrownblowjobeyes [sign in to see picture]
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    sexy little minx wrote:

    Babydoll I really feel for you and can understand where you are coming from. A lot of what you say reminds me of my relationship with my ex. We kept the relationship going far too long for all the wrong reasons, sure it hurt when it ended but I got over it and I'm a much stronger person for it. It takes two people to make a relationship work and it sounds to me like there is only one person in your relationship who is working for it. You sound so sad and unhappy when you should be having the time of your life, life definetly is too short.

    I believe everyone comes into your life for 1 of 3 things, a reason, a season or a lifetime.

    A reason is short term, could be for any reason, guidence, to put you on the right path, a quick lesson to learn ect

    A season is more long term, could be years. Someone that will be there for you until the time comes that you don't need them anymore or vice versa.

    A lifetime is something that doesn't come along very often, they will be there for you no matter what you do or go through...

    Only you can decide if he is a reason, a season or a lifetime. Hope that made some sense. x

    Oh gosh, I had to post to say such good, honest advice. Two years ago I was in this exact position and so so bitterly unhappy. Now I'm happier than ever in my life. sure it took some hard decisions (whichever way you go, it's rarely easy) but it was worth it.

    Sorry, I had to say that as that post got to me a little.

    It is SUCH good advice.

    1266083510
    Alicia D'amore [sign in to see picture]
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    baby.d0llo9 wrote:

    ok so i've not reply as i've been at ma parents house i try and visit them when i can

    me and my bf went there an tbh he was much nicer while we was there and for a few days after but then it was back to normal.. i honestly think it is cause of his xbox, as when he couldnt go on it i was so happy .. and then once he had been on the xbox the argument started as did him never coming off there.. i honestly dont know what to do.. he doesnt sleep cause of something that happened to him.,. and its a struggle to even get him off the xbox to do my hot water bottle on a night / tuck me in,..

    Thing is tho i love him.. i know i do.. i just wish the relationship didnt involve 3 people (me him and ofcourse the xbox)

    Would you ever see a counciler or someone like that? (I hear Relate is the place to go). Perhaps a little outside help to voice your concerns more clearly to your partner would be helpful.

    Ax

    1266118587
    Tigerlilies [sign in to see picture]
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    More brilliant adivce here.

    Get rid of him.

    If only to engage your self respect gland. Trust me, once you do, you'll be overcome with freedom and a grief that you didn't do it sooner. Your time is the most precious thing in the world and things that make you unhappy aren't worth a second of it.

    Then embark on the most important relationship you'll ever have. Loving yourself.

    1266247852
    Gyrator53 [sign in to see picture]
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    "...he has a heart condition..."

    "...he doesn't sleep cause of something that happened to him... "

    Ok these are nasty questions but in the circumstances they seem appropriate -

    Are you really sticking with this relationship because you feel sorry for him and would feel guilty if you were to take away the one consolation in his life - you?

    Do you worry that if you dumped him he would never get anyone else?

    It's clear you are a conscientious, caring person so I reckon that these questions feature in your thoughts even if only in the back of your mind. However, you must look at where your life is going and think about the bare minimum of things you want in life. If this relationship has no prospect of providing those things you need to acknowledge that and move on. You cannot live your life solely to make up for the bad things that happened to someone else - especially if they put in zero effort to make you happy in return.

    Let me take a "for instance" on the life's ambitions thing (and this, for me, would be the big one) - do you have any desire to have children? If so, is their any realistic prospect that he would raise his game to take his share of the enormous burden that represents? On the face of it I'd say there is no chance at all.

    1266595154
    baby.d0llo9 [sign in to see picture]
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    ok, i get that ok he could treat me better but i really dont the fact that it seems that your slagging him of Gyrator, Im not with him because i feel sorry, dont think he can get another gf ect. i am with him because i love him, that is the whole problem, i love him but i wish he paid me more attention.

    I dont like to talk to councillers i have talked to them in the past for different personal personal reason and they just pushed me to talk about things that i wasnt ready to talk about

    1266596241
    WandA [sign in to see picture]
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    It did appear to me that quite a few judgements were made about an individual no one on here except you, knows directly. Getting rid of him seems a rather harsh piece of advice, from a position of such little knowledge.

    I prefer to think of these forums as providing suggestions, not always advice. You obviously know your situation better than everyone here, so treat advice you receive here as such.

    Searching the forum and reading posts similar to your position might be more enlightening from an impartial perspective.

    Good luck and try not to take things to heart.

    1266598931
    Tigerlilies [sign in to see picture]
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    Hey Babydoll, want to retract my last statement, it's a tad harsh and you know what you're doing. I've just had a lot friends get very hurt by this kind of thing.

    Don't worry if therapy isn't the way for you, it's not for everyone. Best adivce on here by far is about communication. I hope he knows how far much you're prepared to fight for this relationship and the emotions it involves for you.

    PS: if in doubt, go to the fuse box and have a well needed power cut.

    1266602580
    baby.d0llo9 [sign in to see picture]
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    believe me, if i could make a power cut happen i would.

    People on here a little harsh, maybe its right maybe its not, i dont think its fair.. But i do get that people are trying to help, but at this moment in time i really want to stay with him, But i also think is it just fear keeping me here, he is all i've known for nearly 5years.. and maybe we rushed things i moved in with him after 2years i think it was, i met him on a chat site, im gonna be honest.. there is also an age difference.. but that shouldnt matter, well i think it shouldn't.

    I do get jealous when im with my other mates as i always see them with their bf all affectionate and loving in public, but im lucky if my oh even meets me from college, so yeah i do want things to change. Ive tried talking to him but he is still on the xbox, we have tried watching t.v because i told him straight i was bored and wanted him off it, and it work for like 30minutes... after which i told him to go back on because he had something to say about everything and took the mick outta programs which just ruins it completely..

    He also thinks that buying me an £500 engagement ring will prove beyond anything that he loves me.. yes i do get i like having things brought for me, i do ask for alot of things.. but material things wont keep me happy,,, He also complains that in sex i dont do enough for him.. and i just think hello you come all the time, im just here,, he says i should suck him more ~ i try but he smokes so it dont taste good, he also Love anal,, the first time we tried it i did cry because i hated it and he begged to carry on then we never did it again for 3year and now he wants it like all the time well at least once every 2 weeks and i really hate it but i try and put up with it..

    Anyhelp will be very helpfull... Thanks

    1266604162
    Rowan [sign in to see picture]
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    baby.doll hun no one can know the situation beyond what you have said, and therefore all things said above are only suggestions, people can be harsh but I don't think any of them mean to be hurtful. No one wished to offend x

    Regardless of what you decide to do about the full relationship though the sexual problems must stop. Making him come all the time clearly is doing 'enough' for him and it is extremely disrespectful and unkind of him to suggest that you ought to be doing more in the situation as it stands. Even if it was true that a woman was not doing enough such things must be handled sensitively (no pun intended). don't 'put up with' something that is painful and unpleasant, if he insists on doing it and will not stop it is sexual abuse, which is never permissible however he justifies it.

    2 years is not necessarily too soon, each relationship differs, only you can know the answer to that. I agree with several others that this is not a healthy relationship to be in right now, but have you considered 'taking a break' and potentially staying somewhere else for a few weeks to think things through. It's hard to think clearly about a relationship when you are in shared or 'their' space and company, the offshoot of doing so would be his experience of a lack of readily available sex. Please do not think I am telling you to do something, and I suspevt you are aware of all the options open to you, these are only meant as suggestions, with the exception of the pressurised sex.

    1266611947
    Columbus [sign in to see picture]
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    baby.d0llo9 wrote:

    He also complains that in sex i dont do enough for him.. and i just think hello you come all the time, im just here,, he says i should suck him more ~ i try but he smokes so it dont taste good, he also Love anal,, the first time we tried it i did cry because i hated it and he begged to carry on then we never did it again for 3year and now he wants it like all the time well at least once every 2 weeks and i really hate it but i try and put up with it..

    This rings alarm bells for me! Obviously you can't compare situations, but when I tried this - at my suggestion - with my OH when it started to hurt he stopped immediately and didn't want to continue because he didn't want to hurt me. If it hurt so much you're crying and he still harrasses you to continue that's really worrying.

    Obviously you know the situation and we don't but I would maybe write some pros and cons down. What do you actually get out of the relationship? I know you love him, but in terms of what you get out of being with him does he have a purpose in your life?

    Take care anyway xx

    1266614251
    Gyrator53 [sign in to see picture]
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    I'm very sorry that my comments upset you. As others have said only you know him so we can only judge from what you say. All I have tried to do is pose questions that I hoped might just help you think things through.

    I remain mystified by your situation and I think others here are too. You say you love him which is fine but, with what seem to be some serious negatives for you in the relationship, I guess several of us are wondering why.

    They say love is blind but it's not. It may be somewhat blinkered: most of us choose to ignore a lot of the defects in our loved ones. However, most of us also have pretty good reasons why we love our OH. Obviously it's not important that we know what your reasons are but you need to know them and understand them for yourself.

    I wish you luck.

    G xx

    1266666281
    KittyPurry [sign in to see picture]
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    Heyo baby.d0llo9

    Firstly twitwoo!!! You're pictures are gorgeous!

    I must admit your relationship doesn't sound so great for you, so I can understand why people have been saying dump him and run. What you've said doesn't paint the nicest picture of your partner as a lover but it's clear that you love him and you're obviously a smart, kind person so there must be a reason and I will respect that and off some thoughts based on trying to improve things between you.

    I was in a similar situation with my OH for a while when he got completely addicted to an online PC game which he'd play all hours of the day or night. I fully sympathise with the electronics jealousy I felt so lonely and frustrated and resented the computer SO much! Eventually I discovered that my partner was suffering from depression and the game was an escape. Once he got the depression sorted out he was a different person entirely...I just wonder if something similar might be happening with you partner.

    I definately think couple's counselling would be HUGELY beneficial for a long term solution. People can change but it's bloody difficult and somewhere like Relate would be able to help you both find solutions.

    My OH still games (but not as oftern and not compulsively) I even join in now so we're spending time together. That might be something you could consider.

    As for the anal thing, if you don't enjoy it tell him. I wouldn't want my partner to do something he hated just to please me because if he's not enjoying it, it's not sexy! He tells me the exact same thing...he'd be really unhappy if I was doing things I didn't enjoy at all just for his benefit.

    (warning this will get graphic) Rather than just blurting out "I really hate anal, leave my bum alone would you?!" you could try a couple of "soft" alternatives....for example letting him rub between you bum cheeks or (and this is a favourite of mine) having PIV sex then just before the crucial moment get him to pull out and press the tip against your ass so he cums just inside. If its the tightness during anal that he loves you could try gripping the base of his cock when he penetrates you.

    In terms of the housework I think you need to come to a much fairer arrangement...I know it's tedious but some kind of chores rota might help. You could try and make cleaning less tiresome by doing different tasks but at the same time and doing them naked e.g. you cooking, him washing up...you dusting him hoovering. Might make it a bit more exciting.

    That's all I can think of for now...sorry I can't be more help!

    Best of luck lovely!

    xxKPxx

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    KittyPurry [sign in to see picture]
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    gah...terrible spelling and grammar throughout that post sorry!!!

    xxKPxx

    1266695949
    baby.d0llo9 [sign in to see picture]
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    He only wanted to carry on because he was so close to his climax, I don’t really know what I get out of the relationship. Which is now making me wonder as I have never asked my self that before, my main reason for moving in with him apart from the fact that I love him (?) is that we lived so far apart 3hrs on a train, and I didn’t want to be my mums carer, My dad now takes care of my mum prior to that I cared for her for 5years while attending college, my dad had to work so we had money.

    When I asked my other half plays on the game so much he was really vague, so I mentioned could he be depressed and finds the game an escape, and he kinda latched on to that.. Almost like he thought it was an answer that I would accept and wanted to hear. I have tried playing games with him but things like COD (call of duty) isn’t my kinda game, I even brought him golf today, got back tried to play and he kept saying I was doing it wrong and getting really stressed at me so he went back to COD. I have told him I don’t like anal (he likes the tightness) but again he always asks for it... i just think if i tell him no more anal then it would lead to a breakdown in the relationship... I know this isn’t the best way to describe him to you, but I do love him... I understand that people are saying leave him... hell even my mum says I should leave him because she can see i'm not happy, even though I try and tell and act like I am

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    Rowan [sign in to see picture]
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    Sounds like you've had it rough *hug. You also sound like a very strong and compassionate person. Sadly it's not always possible to connect with a partner over specific activities (escially gaming *rolls eyes*). It's possible that he doesn't know why he does it, or can't currently admit it yet or that he just gets an adrenaline high from it.

    It is right that you question what you get out of the relationship and the parts you both play, each relationship is different and the dynamic and input of each partner will be a variable, however to have a relationship it must be a mutual endeavour and sadly, regardless of what qualities he must have that you came to love him sadly it seems that this is currently not your situation. Telling him 'No anal' will not cause a breakdown in relationship, it will force him to recognise that there are issues which need to be resolved one way or another, tightness is not something he can only get from anal and it is a privilege. If he asks for it then he ought to give pleasure in return, if you are amenable to then allowing him anal he ought to take great care and gently build up to it rather than expecting it to be granted. There are times when I have to decline my hubby some types of sex for pain reasons and causing me pain (unless that is the intent ) is a turn off. If he is close to cumming and I have to stop we finish a different way, these things are not insurmountable with a considerate partner and it is a highly intimate and trusting act.

    Given the length of your relationship and the effort you have put into it (and presumably he did at one point given the distance yo mention) I think you are right to spend time considering what you wish to do rather than making a snap decision, but do not be ruled by fear. I can't recommend any particular organisation but it does sound as though councilling may be a good option for you. Whatever you do I wish you well xx

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    baby.d0llo9 [sign in to see picture]
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    Thanks Rowan, I feel like it would cause a breakdown if i said no as we have often argued over it,, he always comes back with either but i like it, or it will prove you love me.. ect. i have also started a new post on should i put up with anal: http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/community/forums/orgasm-army/sex-tips-and-advice/167775-should-i-put-up-with-anal-because-i-love/

    im not sure councilling would help.. have been before an just felt presured to talk about thing i didnt want to.. but maybe this time will be different so i am going to look in to it

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