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  1. New to sex and not feeling it

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    baby.d0llo9 [sign in to see picture]
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    • Joined: 6 Jan 2010

    yes i hope so too! thanks for ur support and suggestions! =)

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    Ilovemyman [sign in to see picture]
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    I think this go's deeper than just sex, how do you feel about your relationship? I think from what you have said your oh isn't making much of an effort with your whole relationship not just your sex life? xxxx Hugs xxxx

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    baby.d0llo9 [sign in to see picture]
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    to me it doesn't seem like he is.. the thing is ive been tempted to stray but im not a cheater but sometimes its nice to have a flirt so i feel wanted.

    Ive been with my OH for nearly 5 years and met him when i was 15, he is all ive ever known. so maybe relationships are like this and im just being needy, i have this whole image in my head of how i want things to be, ave told my oh but he just says that it cant be like that, because i need to live in reality.. so maybe im just being with him because he is all i know. my family dont even live in the same city. so its kinda hard as i know no one where i currently live.. maybe this whole situation is because i dont feel close to him emotionally.. or maybe im just being completely silly. i should stop writing before people think i have issues! =S

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    Alicia D'amore [sign in to see picture]
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    baby.d0llo9 wrote:

    to me it doesn't seem like he is.. the thing is ive been tempted to stray but im not a cheater but sometimes its nice to have a flirt so i feel wanted.

    Ive been with my OH for nearly 5 years and met him when i was 15, he is all ive ever known. so maybe relationships are like this and im just being needy, i have this whole image in my head of how i want things to be, ave told my oh but he just says that it cant be like that, because i need to live in reality.. so maybe im just being with him because he is all i know. my family dont even live in the same city. so its kinda hard as i know no one where i currently live.. maybe this whole situation is because i dont feel close to him emotionally.. or maybe im just being completely silly. i should stop writing before people think i have issues! =S

    From reading what you write it is pretty clear that something needs to change. Reality isn't playing xbox games or neglecting your partner! Yes relationships aren't perfect and people aren't happy 100% of the time, but you should be happy at LEAST 51% of the time otherwise what's the point? It's not needy to want to spend time with your partner - wanting to be joined at the hip maybe, but that's not what you're asking for!

    I've been with my fella since 15 and am in my 5th year with him too, so I do know how you feel! It would be scary to lose someone if you've been with them a quatre of your life but you know if it's bad enough to be worth leaving and if it is getting that bad, is it salvagable before you give up?

    Do you have any way of making new friends where you live? Perhaps if you had more friends close by you would be happier AND your OH would realise what you mean to him when you go out with friends!

    Axx

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    masterandslave [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
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    • Joined: 28 Jun 2008

    I agree with exploring yourself, have you tried putting your own finger inside and squeezing your muscles like you are trying to stop peeing or having a poo - lol soz that sounds terrible!!! but you should be able to feel the differences,

    x

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    Tigerlilies [sign in to see picture]
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    • Joined: 12 Jan 2010

    I really think you need to explore loving yourself emotionally as well as physically. You're clearly beautiful and thoughtful and you deserve better. x

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    BigPoppa [sign in to see picture]
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    • Joined: 24 Jan 2010

    Hi there

    Shame to hear this. Unfortunately as a man I have been through a period in my life where I was seriously addicted to a game on my pc. I could play for hours and hours, forget to eat properly and felt annoyed when disturbed and asked to stop.

    having kids broke the spell and thank goodness I look back on it and shudder at the time involved and in a way wasted.

    You look stunning and come across really well. Sounds like you deserve better. You need to be talking more and your boyfriend may need some hard truths to get him to mature a bit more. Women are often way ahead of boys in their maturity at this point in your life.

    Also I found that I could enjoy games better in a relationship that could easily be saved and no progress was lost and I avoid those that need hours of time to achieve something ( on line games especially bad for this ). That way feels fine to dip in and out of game and you feel less annoyed and frustrated.

    Maybe you need to do something by yourself like a hobby or something one/two nights a week and that can be his gaming time also but agree that he doesn't play at other times. That way you get to explore yourself a bit more and boost your confidence and he gets space for a good uninterupted session on xbox.

    Thought I'd give a mans perspective and as someone who loves gaming too!

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    Ilovemyman [sign in to see picture]
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    BigPoppa has some really good advice there, i'm almost addicted to mario Kart on the Wii! I love it and you do loose track of time when you are playing!! x

    1264861266
    baby.d0llo9 [sign in to see picture]
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    http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/community/members/adnaw/: i have tried to go out with a few friends but he get jealous, also the thing is im 19 nearly and i go to a 6th from college so all my mates are like 17, so while they enjoy just hanging around town chatting id prefer something better like a girly chat in the pub or something which just doesnt happen one of my best mates is joined at the hip to her bf all loved up which is something i really hate to be around =(

    http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/community/members/masterandslave/: i will try that later tonight by myself and try exploring

    http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/community/members/tigerlilies/: the whole loving myself will take some work so if you have any suggestions on how to do that then im open to ideas, i dont like the way i look.. if anyone has ideas please just say so.

    http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/community/members/bigpoppa/: hi yes i do get that games make you lose track of time and id be fine with that, but he is on xbox live and does spend every waking moment on there.. it wouldnt be so bad but went he gets bored of one game he puts another one on, he asks the time and then depending on the time either asks me to make him a drink / start tea which is really annoying im fine with him being on the xbox but like yesterday he got up at 1:30pm went on the xbox and didnt come off till 4am which is when he came to bed. he was even on there while we had tea!!

    And yes i do want to save this relationship but i just dont know how!! =(

    1264863363
    Columbus [sign in to see picture]
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    It doesn't sound a great situation. My fiance has said to me in the past that he feels like I'm the first person (relationship) that's really added value to his life. I think that's important in a relationship. What do you get out of being with him? Obviously it's a two-way street and it sounds like he's taking a lot and not giving very much back. You are equally as important and need to have your emotional and physical needs met as well. There's another thread (I don't think it was by you but apologies if it was!!) asking if people's OH's make them feel important and wanted. My OH and I certainly have problems as times and I'd say we're a work in progress, but he tells me all the time that he loves me and thinks I'm beautiful etc. He does things for me, both in terms of small things day to day and more important things.

    I think you really do need to start to try and buid up your own confidence and sense of self and think about what you really want. At the risk of sounding like an old fart (I'm only 31!) you are still very young and I think we have different chapters in your life's journey. This may be a chapter in your life. A lesson to be learnt - and then next chapter may be even better.

    I'd really start trying to expand you're social circle and if he doesn't like it then tough! It's normal and healthy to have friends/activities/goals outside of a relationship. And if he loves you then he'd want you to pursue things for yourself and to be happy.

    I think maybe the Xbox is a symptom of the problem but not the cause...

    Does he work or go to uni or anything or is he literally always on the X box?

    Keep coming on here. Go on the 'Good Morning...' thread and just say 'hi' and chat to people. It doesn't just have to be about sex and sex toys ;-) Get support and friendship here. Some people are facebook friends too. Just remember you are never alone and things have a way of working themselves out x

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    baby.d0llo9 [sign in to see picture]
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    hi Columbus he really is always on the xbox he doesnt go to work or uni.

    The other thread wasn't by me but i think i might take a look at the thread. My oh does sometimes do things for me, thing is he wants things such as i cook and clean which is ok if i've only had like half a day at college but when im getting back from college at like 5:30 and he wants me to start cooking or wash up when i have work to do, it seems unfair to me. I do think there will be other chapters in my life but at the moment through all the bad things i still think that i wanna be with him thru all the arguments, stress headaches, and depression i get i still think i wanna be with him and i love him, it doesnt help that to everyone i know i tell them everything is fine even if its not.. just because i dont want ppl to know that i feel like the relationship is crumbling around me, bit like like that kate nash song called foundations. =(

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    Tigerlilies [sign in to see picture]
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    People grown in relationships but they grow up seperately. Sounds likes your years ahead of him. In my experience you can't change people and you have to put your happiness first.

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    Gyrator53 [sign in to see picture]
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    Sorry if I sound like an old f@rt but I am one. I'm convinced your problems are all really down to being stuck in a relationship that was possibly never an earth-shattering love-match in the first place and has possibly just run its course. Perhaps there is nothing actually wrong - it doesn't sound like you are rowing all the time - so you don't have the impetus to part: you are perhaps good friends and neither has the heart to actually call time on the whole thing. It seems more like the sort of relationship someone might accept in their dotage.

    However, if in your early 20s you are in a relationship where you aren't actually ripping each other's clothes off at every available opportunity then you are seriously missing out. I think your whole physical thing will simply come right when you are in the right relationship - with someone you are so attracted to you can't wait to sh@g them again. And from what I can see there are going to be loads of blokes who would jump at the chance to be the one.

    It may be that your existing relationship has mileage in it but I reckon you need to pull back from it and see how you both feel and actively pursue something new.

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    Tigerlilies [sign in to see picture]
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    Brilliant advice Gyrator, you've got all the time in the world to have a relationship that's a headache.

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    Columbus [sign in to see picture]
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    It sounds like he wants a mother if he's expecting you to cook and clean. If he's at home all day just messing about and not doing any kind of work/studying himself then surely he can clean up and have a meal ready for when you get in?! I admit to not really being much of a domestic goddess on the cleaning front (I loathe it LOL) but my OH will cook/clean. I do cook and I am going to make sure I do my share of cleaning up when I move in (he'll read this btw!) but as I hope to be working FT by then (I've been completing my PhD) then I would hope we would share responsiblity. In the week I tend to cook as he's been out all day, then he might cook us a nice meal on Sunday when he has more time to enjoy making it. As I said before, it's all about give and take isn't it. He sounds like he needs to grow up a bit. But obviously we're not just here to bash him! If you love him and want to make things work, then I would really sit him down and talk things through with him and explain that your needs aren't being met in or out of the bedroom. See if he's bothered or not. He might be like, "OMG I didn't realise, I'm so sorry - you mean the world to me and what can I do to make you happy?" or he might just shrug and turn back to his toy - in which case you might want to start re-evaluating what you want out of life.

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    Alicia D'amore [sign in to see picture]
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    Yet more wonderful words of wisdome from Gyrator :) brill advice there!

    Ax

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    Tigerlilies [sign in to see picture]
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    Baby.d0llo9 I also noticed your passion for dressing up on your profile. Is the man in your life someone you feel you can really be yourself with? I think he should be introduced to the more assertive, ballsy side that I know you've got in there somewhere. Tell him what's up girl and lay down the law! He can grow up or it will just be him and his hand tonight.

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    Gyrator53 [sign in to see picture]
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    baby.d0llo9

    I can't help feeling you are clinging onto this relationship so much because its your first and only. I think you need to ask yourself if it's love or a fear of having no relationship that is driving you here. Do you think that if you walk away from what you have now that perhaps you won't find someone else? (a groundless fear I'm certain).

    I should perhaps say that my wife is the first person I ever had a serious relationship with and, while it has all eventually worked out wonderfully, I'm convinced this was more of a hindrance than a help and I know the sort of insecurities you might feel deep down from this.

    While I'm sticking my nose in (and feel free to tell me to s0d off if you like) I do have some concerns that your OH has no job and no college. Ok, I'm a bit of a workaholic but I simply can't believe that is right - it would drive me insane in no time so I can't believe he hasn't got serious issues arising out of this.

    O/T - Columbus, good to hear you are doing a PhD - there is no feeling like being told by your external that you just passed - pure elation. Good Luck!

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    Alicia D'amore [sign in to see picture]
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    AdnaW wrote:

    Yet more wonderful words of wisdome from Gyrator :) brill advice there!

    Ax

    Wisdom that should say - bloomin' checked that post for spelling too!

    I agree with the others that it sounds like your fella needs to grow up a little!

    My fella is a gamer too and will spend hours on the computer (it's easy to get absorbed) but he will make the effort and does his fair share of chores - I do more washing but I quite enjoy washing and he does more cooking but he quite enjoys cooking. Your fella should feel obliged to contribute to the chores!

    Listen to Gyrator - he knows what he's talking about!

    The more I read your posts the more I feel for you - you seem to think his behaviour is acceptable and that it's fair for him to expect you to cook for him when he's done nothing but play games all day and you've been working! It's not fair and he shouldn't expect you to look after him - sounds like he wants a mum more than a girlfriend and that's not fair on you!

    Ax

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    Columbus [sign in to see picture]
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    Gyrator53 wrote:

    O/T - Columbus, good to hear you are doing a PhD - there is no feeling like being told by your external that you just passed - pure elation. Good Luck!

    Thanks! Hopefully that is what I'll hear LOL I'm waiting for the date for my Viva having submitted at the end of November. As I'm in the social sciences I'm expecting (well, hoping for) pass with minor amendments so fingers crossed.

    Great advice from everyone again, Babydoll xx

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