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  1. How to make the first move?

    1492783627
    dem1 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Captain
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    • Joined: 7 Feb 2016

    I am awful at instigating anything sexual, leaving it all to my partner which sucks. I always want to start things but I'm not sure how? I'll usually go to sleep horny just because I can't bring myself to make the first move.

    I think it might be because I need to improve on my confidence?

    Anybody else suffering? Haha

    1492784266
    NatandTom [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
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    Dress up in beautiful lingerie? That always lets my partner know I'm in the mood, but I don't have to physically touch him to initiate.

    1492784309
    mysteron [sign in to see picture]
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    Well at 19 , I may not be confidence that is the issue it may be inexperience . Experience is built up over the years and your techniques will improve over time . Don't forget we were all 19 once and can empathise .

    If your in a relationship then the best way is to talk to your partner and find out what they want. If its a little embarassing to bring up then do it whilst your cuddling .

    Another way to learn is to get some books . Lovehoney stock some of these. If I was in your position I would get some general type guides on sex and perhaps for my first specialist type, a book on oral sex. Most guys enjoy oral as do many women and many women enjoy giving it.

    1492784818
    dem1 [sign in to see picture]
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    Thank you guys!

    Once we get strarted I have no issue carrying on, I just can't bring myself to instigate! I have plenty of lingerie that he often asks me to wear specifically, and that's fine. He sometimes asks me to surprise him - be dressed up for him returning from work, and at the time I always think what a good idea it is and I want to, but I can't actually bring myself to do it.

    It's a bit of an odd one, I feel sort of bad on his part as he has expressed that he doesn't think I find him attractive, and when we are having sex he thinks it's just him having sex with me and I'm not interested.

    I know what he wants, and I know what I want, I just cant go and get it.

    Mysteron - I'll have a look at the books now, thank you!

    1492785321
    NatandTom [sign in to see picture]
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    Can I ask what is stopping you from dressing up?

    Is it a confidence issue? Perhaps a fear of being rejected?

    1492785465
    mysteron [sign in to see picture]
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    dem1 wrote:

    Thank you guys!

    Once we get strarted I have no issue carrying on, I just can't bring myself to instigate! I have plenty of lingerie that he often asks me to wear specifically, and that's fine. He sometimes asks me to surprise him - be dressed up for him returning from work, and at the time I always think what a good idea it is and I want to, but I can't actually bring myself to do it.

    It's a bit of an odd one, I feel sort of bad on his part as he has expressed that he doesn't think I find him attractive, and when we are having sex he thinks it's just him having sex with me and I'm not interested.

    I know what he wants, and I know what I want, I just cant go and get it.

    Mysteron - I'll have a look at the books now, thank you!

    IMO your best bet is to ask what his fantasies are. If its for example a policewoman because he likes uniforms then get a sexy cop costume and handcuff him as soon as he gets through the door! Deep down I am guessing he may want you to take the lead Only you can decide if thats right for you.

    The best way around the attactiveness bit is to keep giving him compliments . That is more likely to be a confidence thing than your own situation. With yourself I think you know what you want to do but need guidance on how to do it .

    For a 19 year old if you stick around you will be streets ahead of your similar aged friends as you will learn lots on here from experienced guys and gals .

    1492786400
    Lil_Red_Kinkyboots [sign in to see picture]
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    Why not set the ball rolling by sexting him, that way you don't have to worry about your confidence getting in the way. It is still you initiating and tell him what you are going to do to him when you see him. He will be more than ready for you too and then you can kiss him first and take it from there. Sexting can help build your confidence too. 😊

    1492787629
    mysteron [sign in to see picture]
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    A good book I can recommend which thankfully Lovehoney still stock

    is

    Oral Sex he Will Never forget by Sonia Borg .

    I bought this for my Mrs and bought myself the corresponding Oral sex to give to women .

    Its not the cheapest book but has lavish photography , clear diagrams and plenty of ideas. It also has a sex survey questionaire in the Appendix which is very uselful for when you want to explore new things together .

    In all a very good buy and the reviews say the same .

    1492789379
    Mo D [sign in to see picture]
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    Yeah dem1, you describe my wife also. Every now and again we go through patches where she doesn't instigate sex.

    If she just spooned with me nekked, or put her arm around me under the duvet accross my midriff, i would know it was sexytime - it really is that simple to give a guy (well me at least) the message. There's something about that first warm skin-skin contact/cuddle that just does it for me.

    1492797960
    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    dem1 wrote:

    It's a bit of an odd one, I feel sort of bad on his part as he has expressed that he doesn't think I find him attractive, and when we are having sex he thinks it's just him having sex with me and I'm not interested.

    I know what he wants, and I know what I want, I just cant go and get it.

    From what you say here I feel you would be best dealing with this issue first.

    Why is he feeling you are not interested when you have sex? Do you interact with him, show him how much you are enjoying it; or are you just laying back and enjoying it, leaving him wondering if you are enjoying it ?

    if you are just laying back, you should try to kiss him, run your hands over his body as you make love, or have sex, how ever you refer to it. Talk to him, tell him that feels good, or don't stop doing that I love it, touch me "here" . or if you prefer you could hooo, arrrh, and generally moan and make sounds to show you are loving what he is doing.

    As for the " just can't wait for him in my lingerie" issue you have, try dressing up in good time, so you have time to change back if you can't. But perhaps once you have the lingerie on you my find the confidence; he has asked to see you in it, so try and go for it. Why would it be any worse than getting naked with him, I'm absolutly sure you will get a reaction from him.

    You want to make the first move, I'm sure all that is holding you back is fear of getting rejected, which I know is hard to face. So just try something subtle, that if you don't get the desired response from him, it won't feel so bad. Try something like this; you are sat on to sofa together, and what's on tv is nothing that he's always keen to watch. cuddle into him, and find some bare skin to touch, such as up under the sleave of a t shirt, if he's in a shirt slip your fingers between 2 of the buttons and stroke him. Take his hand and use your thumb to massage the palm of his hand. The trick is to do it sensually, you may need to do several of these things before he is sure what you are hinting at. There are lots of ways to hint that you want intamacy; if you get some small response then up it a bit, like unbuttoning one of those shirt buttons, and putting more of your hand in to touch him.

    In the end you just have to go for it, once you have done it, it does get easier; just don't stop trying, if you don't get a response, it may mean you were too subtle, not that you were rejected. If he's not into it, he may say something like " babe, I want to watch this program, or casually push your hand off him. Just try again another time, but I would bet he doesn't reject you, as he has said he feels you are not interested; you will soon learn. As mysteron says it's experience you need.

    But learn to talk to each other, he gave you an opening to disscus this issue, so he is willing to share his feelings; you are one up one many women there, to start with. The best way to solve all this, is to talk openly to each other.

    good luck, and you go for it girl, I know you can do it.

    1492805948
    dem1 [sign in to see picture]
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    NatandTom - I think it mainly is a fear of rejection, I know he would almost never turn me down, so I'm not sure why I'm thinking irrationally. I also am not confident whatsoever, maybe this is a contributing factor. Thank you :)

    Mysteron - I know what he likes and dislikes so the issue isn't communication or anything. I think it really is my body confidence, and fear of rejection. I know he is totally into me but as I'm a 'plus size' girl and he himself is rather slim, I have this weird thing in my head that maybe he will turn me down? Even though I really know he won't. It's confusing. I'm absolutely going to atick around, I've had a lot of help already and only joined the forum today. Thank you :)

    Lil_Red_Kinkyboots - Thank you :) We used to be long distance and did a lot of sexting then, we exchnged nudes and such too. We've lived together for a good year now and for some reason, in person, I'm nowhere near as confident as I am online. I could happily send him pictures but in real life I'm the opposite.

    Mo D - Thank you :) Yeah I am a massive skin on skin fan and often when we're just relaxing I put my hand up his shirt. He never has an issue with this but I never instigate so it never leads anywhere.

    Alicia4Ever - Thank you :) He feels like I'm uninterested because I dont instigate, and I'm not confident touching him. I can easily kiss him and touch him in a platonic way, but anything further than that scares me. I can only think of it being fear of rejection, even though I know he would almost never turn me down. I know he would love for me to start things off as he often tries to encourage me. I'll try the hand and thumb thing later and I'll let you know how I got on :)

    Thank you guys, you're all already boosting my ego and filling me with ideas :)

    1492813933
    Heidi920 [sign in to see picture]
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    I completely understand where you are coming from some times I find it hard to 'put myself out there'
    the best way I find works is I'll get in to bed naked before my husband come to bed and let him discover me.
    I'm just generally not confident in taking the lead role and we've probably fallen in to that patter over time but I'm working on it 😊
    X

    1492828900
    SmokingHotLove [sign in to see picture]
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    dem1 wrote:

    I am awful at instigating anything sexual, leaving it all to my partner which sucks. I always want to start things but I'm not sure how? I'll usually go to sleep horny just because I can't bring myself to make the first move.

    I think it might be because I need to improve on my confidence?

    Anybody else suffering? Haha

    I used to be exactly like you! Was a mixture of rejection and lack of confidence in myself so you are not alone in feeling like you do.

    One thing I can tell you is that most men LOVE when we initiate sex and take control! It's a huge turn on for them and sends their ego into overdrive.

    Unfortunately though, you must start with you! Whatever's making you feel a lack in self confidence and belief in yourself or making you doubt your worth in any way is an issue only you can over come.

    Us woman are way too hard on ourselves and are sadly our own worst critics. Love yourself for you honey and appreciate your assets instead of doubting any little flaw. We all (wether we show it or not) have something we don't like or would change about ourselves if we could, fact! Remember he loves you for you and chose you because, whatever makes you down on yourself, he sees beyond that, for one flaw you see, he sees a hundred beautiful things more that makes him super attracted to you!

    Embrace all your pros and the con will become irrelevant! Only you can build your confidence and as you're so young, do it now. Enjoy yourself and stop being so hard on yourself! We are all different and wish we were a certain shape, size, height whatever! Just be you.... after all, you is what he wants 😘

    1492927783
    Irie [sign in to see picture]
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    dem1 wrote:

    Mysteron - I know what he likes and dislikes so the issue isn't communication or anything. I think it really is my body confidence, and fear of rejection. I know he is totally into me but as I'm a 'plus size' girl and he himself is rather slim, I have this weird thing in my head that maybe he will turn me down? Even though I really know he won't. It's confusing. I'm absolutely going to atick around, I've had a lot of help already and only joined the forum today. Thank you :)

    No-one can give you that confidence but yourself so the key is finding out what makes you feel sexy. Maybe find some lingerie from here that flatters the bits you are less keen on and accentuates the bits you like. Wear it for you first, enjoy it and then introduce it to your OH. Maybe take some photos in them and send to him? One thing I would say is bear in mind that he may have legit reasons for turning down sex and that you should try to avoid letting that get you down if it does happen. I know my OH felt that same but when I explained that I was really tired and although physically I could have managed sex, I didn't feel like I'd be very attentive or intimate she understood. Good luck!
    1492974021
    Modo [sign in to see picture]
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    You don't have to initiate sex, all you have to do is give him enough subtle clues that you are horny and he will do the rest.

    Laying out two or three of your bedroom attire in a way that suggests you are allowing him to choose.

    Depending on where you are with your sex life, leaving items such as condoms or wrist restraints lying around (or dropped in his lap), will let him know his services are required.

    On the other hand, if you are really annoyed with yourself then it might be time to look into a beginers flogger so he can (playfully) beat this sillyness out of you.

    The above actions are yours and you can take ownership of them as the first steps to a new more confident self.

    1493034189
    dem1 [sign in to see picture]
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    Thank you all so much for your advice. I ordered some toys the other day and they just arrived, he gets back from working away tonight so hopefullly he can just 'catch me out' testing my new toys ;)

    You've all helped me a lot, I'll let you know how it went xx

    1493136715
    dem1 [sign in to see picture]
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    Hey all,

    Unfortunately I was asleep before he arrived home last night - how disappointing!!

    I hope he isn't too late tonight though ;)

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