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  1. How to bring the spark back?

    1492427178
    Curiousscots [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Officer Cadet
    • Posts: 13
    • Joined: 29 Dec 2016

    My wife and me have reached that part in the relationship where sex is non existent. We have been together 21 years. We have talked about it and promised to get it back but nothing ever happens. She was told sex was bad growing up. And feels she is to big and doesn't feel sexy. (Which I think she is) She will walk around naked in front of me but when I go near she freezes and tells me to stop. I have a high sex drive and have to wank most days but I think that's because I just miss her touch. Sorry for the long post. Any ideas?

    1492443709
    love honey magic [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Captain
    • Posts: 20
    • Joined: 16 Apr 2017

    It's difficult when you don't feel sexy yourself to want sex- we went through a dry spell ourselves- we went out for drinks with friends and were both quite drunk- then we were both relaxed and that's when OH first introduced lube and we haven't looked back- in fact I am now the horny one and he can't get enough!

    1492454966
    KirstyLee [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Brigadier
    • Posts: 194
    • Joined: 13 Feb 2017

    What about lighting some candles and getting a massage oil and just giving your wife a nice massage?

    Make it clear from the start that she is under no pressure for it to evolve in to sex if she doesn't want it to but just get her used to the feeling of being touched by you again?

    Hopefully it will help her relax a little, I know it has helped me.

    And yes, I completely agree with the above that lube is a must, it puts the pressure of being able to naturally produce lubricant (something I struggle with)

    Have you asked her if there is anything that she is curious about/would like to try?
    It can be hard to talk about but it definitely helps, sometimes just talking about what you would like to do can be enough to put you in the mood......

    Best of luck and sorry my advice isn't the greatest, it's definitely a horrible position to be in but talking is always the best thing to do in a relationship as I'm sure you know after all those years together :)

    1492456648
    Lil_Red_Kinkyboots [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 1913
    • Joined: 13 Jan 2012

    Some sexy lingerie of her choosing may be just what she needs to give her some confidence. If she feels good, she will look good and visa versa. There are lots of plus sized lingerie on here with plenty of reviews to help with her choice. Sexy isn't a size it's a feeling 😊 Get her to make a wishlist and don't forget there is a 365 day money back guarantee on here.
    It is so common to hit a dry patch and Lovehoney will be able to help you out of it, so you've come to the right place.

    Best wishes to you both x

    1492457192
    Couple looking to spice things up [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 3387
    • Joined: 22 Jul 2015

    Forget about sex for now. Instead try concentrate on building her confidence. If she feels she's 'to big' no amount of you telling her she's perfect will work. I'd personally suggest working together to come up with an action plan with realistic milestone. Stick to it and I'm sure you'll both be rewarded.

    1492482824
    silver bullet [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant
    • Posts: 21
    • Joined: 16 Feb 2016

    Curiousscots wrote:

    My wife and me have reached that part in the relationship where sex is non existent. We have been together 21 years. We have talked about it and promised to get it back but nothing ever happens. She was told sex was bad growing up. And feels she is to big and doesn't feel sexy. (Which I think she is) She will walk around naked in front of me but when I go near she freezes and tells me to stop. I have a high sex drive and have to wank most days but I think that's because I just miss her touch. Sorry for the long post. Any ideas?

    Sameon this end to i try to suck on her nipples just pulls away. rub her ass no response not sure what the hell is up. i have ED but but my mouth isnt broke i ask if i can preform oral she says maybe and thats it nothing. i can cum with hand jobs or blow job just can get hard enough to penetrare her. im lost as what to do

    1492487465
    Lil_Red_Kinkyboots [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 1913
    • Joined: 13 Jan 2012

    Hi silverbullet,

    I am so sorry to hear you are having ed problems. I think your wife is probably worried about your ed and feels your disappointment and doesn't want to put pressure on you to perform. She probably finds it easier to just withdraw from any sexual contact in kindness to you and your feelings. My advice would be to talk with her about it as there is lots you can do. If you haven't been to your doctor about your ed I strongly urge you to go as it could be easily remedied. There is quite a bit of discussion on this board about ed which could help you too.

    You really do need to have a chat with your wife about this. All the best X

    1492494199
    mysteron [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 7159
    • Joined: 7 Jan 2014

    Curiousscots wrote:

    My wife and me have reached that part in the relationship where sex is non existent. We have been together 21 years. We have talked about it and promised to get it back but nothing ever happens. She was told sex was bad growing up. And feels she is to big and doesn't feel sexy. (Which I think she is) She will walk around naked in front of me but when I go near she freezes and tells me to stop. I have a high sex drive and have to wank most days but I think that's because I just miss her touch. Sorry for the long post. Any ideas?

    Ok here goes. If this was me and if being honest does remind me a little of my own relationship some 4 years ago whereby me and the Mrs had non existent sex but we both new we had a problem and needed and wanted a fix. My Mrs was originally a size 14 but went to a size 20 when we had our son and has kept to this size .It only now that she is determined to lose weight and is currently a size 16/18 ie18 up top 16 down below.

    So we did get everything back on track for when she was a larger size.This is some of the things that we did and perhaps you could try.

    If a woman lacks confidence in herself bodily then encouraging sex is going to be difficult .So the first thing I did was to put sex on the backburner for some time. This was actually quite easy to do in our case as sex was what little of it boring and predictable. Of course I didn't say this to my Mrs has this would have made the situation worse.

    So I got myself a book which was basically ways in which to treat. a woman including improved bedroom techniques. You may not nead a book as you have us on the forum instead .At the time I didnt have this forum for support as it was just Pre-Lovehoney days for us.

    So with sex on the backburner in comes the romance bit. We went back to basics of cuddling and kissing on the settee. I paid her lots of compliments of how nice and curvy she was and this helped with her confidence. I booked a table at the very first place we had a meal ,all those years ago. The restaraunt had changed hands but the building was unaltered .I bought her flowers gefoe we went ran a bath for her and scrubbed her back for her.She allowed me to undress her as well for her bath which was an encouraging sign. We both dressed up for each other and had an enjoyable evening.We came back and had more cuddles and kissing but no sex. We enjoyed the occasion and planned many more evenings at weekend's like these.Basically the rationale here is to go on date nights and visit places of the type We went in out courting days. Without any pressure sex kind of came on its own one night when she felt the urge and started undressing me after one of these night out. To help give her confidence in the bedroom she bought some B abydolls from Lovehoney and wore one underneath her dress. This particular type of lingerie boosts many a ladies confidence in the bedroom as it hides the most sensitive area i.e. the tummy area but is sexy to keep on accessible once the knickers are removed for making love .

    With this in mind many more examples were bought from Lovehoney and sex once again started sppearing on the menu.Later we introduced kink but I dont think I need to go any further here at the moment.

    I just hope our situation which isn't too dis similar to yours will give you some ideas perhaps to add to other ideas from other members, You will need to be patient as it isnt a quick fix with plenty of coaxing and complimenting work to be done slong the way,

    Good luck

    1492495123
    mysteron [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 7159
    • Joined: 7 Jan 2014

    silver bullet wrote:

    Curiousscots wrote:

    My wife and me have reached that part in the relationship where sex is non existent. We have been together 21 years. We have talked about it and promised to get it back but nothing ever happens. She was told sex was bad growing up. And feels she is to big and doesn't feel sexy. (Which I think she is) She will walk around naked in front of me but when I go near she freezes and tells me to stop. I have a high sex drive and have to wank most days but I think that's because I just miss her touch. Sorry for the long post. Any ideas?

    Sameon this end to i try to suck on her nipples just pulls away. rub her ass no response not sure what the hell is up. i have ED but but my mouth isnt broke i ask if i can preform oral she says maybe and thats it nothing. i can cum with hand jobs or blow job just can get hard enough to penetrare her. im lost as what to do

    Hello Silverbullet and welcome to the forums.

    If you do have ED and its getting you down then I would recommend a visit to your health professional. I would pick a doctor perhaps of a similar age and gender so that you would be comfortable in having a discussion and comfortable with him examining you .

    You havnt given us any indication of your age but as us guys get older our own performance will dip. When I was 22 I could probably with breaks keep going all night but now twice in a session is about as good as it gets !

    The other option is to look at none penatrative sex .For myself I revamped all my foreplay techniques and these are the most important part and can easily spend an hour with foreplay. Many women appreciate good foreplay aas it pre conditions them for making love later. You could always introduce toys into your session and Lovehoney has many to choose from.A good session with a toy satisfies my own Mrs to the extent many a time she ends up finishing me off with oral Sex instead of me having penatrative sex with her.

    So I hope I have given You some food for thought and some ideas to try.

    1492531066
    Lone Ranger [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant Colonel
    • Posts: 190
    • Joined: 12 Mar 2016

    So got the t shirt on this one. Lets put the boot on the other foot for a moment. Lets say you had some concerns that were impacting your sex drive, and felt old/stressed/unattractive. How would you want her to react? Would it be pressurising you, or the love, understanding and mutual respect that you've built up over the past 20+ years carries you through. My advice is to concentrate more on hugs, laughs and some time together, perhaps walking, fresh air etc that will both make you feel better.

    Personally I would put action plans, toys, and any other sort of pressurising activity on a back burner.

    1492745263
    silver bullet [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant
    • Posts: 21
    • Joined: 16 Feb 2016

    hey thanks for the info yes been to Dr. hey says not much i can do about it . the smoking i did when younger is 1 of the causes that and diabetis the other i have a pump which use to work but now i have a fat roll so its to get band on in time to keep the little guy up. the wife hasnt been interested in a long time says its due to menapause not sure though. we use to have 1hell of sex life but old now guess time to retire from it but thanks for all the replies The bullet

    1492750269
    Tiger Dick [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: General
    • Posts: 1368
    • Joined: 9 Nov 2016

    Couple looking to spice things up wrote:

    Forget about sex for now. Instead try concentrate on building her confidence. If she feels she's 'to big' no amount of you telling her she's perfect will work. I'd personally suggest working together to come up with an action plan with realistic milestone. Stick to it and I'm sure you'll both be rewarded.

    This!

    And be contrnt with cuddles for a while. Non-contact is a problem that divides couples. The need to go beyond Sex or Nothing mindset is so important, make it your mission to emotionally demonstrate its about her, and not the animal urge in you...

    1492771793
    Emmbee [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Captain
    • Posts: 9
    • Joined: 13 Sep 2012

    My weight has fluctuated over the years and so has my confidence.
    Until I met my OH and realised sexy isn't a size, attractiveness isn't a number.
    She's a goddess, remind her all the time. Spoil her, build her up, make her feel like only woman in the world.
    There's loads of sexy plus size lingerie on LH and that will help but it's investing the time for each other that's the groundwork.
    Other sound advice on here about lube, new techniques.
    It's the intimacy that gets forgotten sometimes.
    My OH is away a lot, miss him big time when apart but it's like eating soup with a fork when he comes home- just can't get enough!
    Don't despair, you can fix this
    Best x

    1492779277
    Lil_Red_Kinkyboots [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 1913
    • Joined: 13 Jan 2012

    Silver bullet - your doctor sounds most unhelpful. They should be able to help you - there is the little blue pill, which I'm sure you know about anyway. There is also an op you can have. As for your wife, if she is going through the menopause, could well have a low libido, it is very common. She could get help for that too from the doctors. I'm sure there must be plenty of life left in you both. You must be feeling bogged down with it, which is understandable. Where there's a will there's a way and you're not too old. 😊😘

    1492779854
    mysteron [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 7159
    • Joined: 7 Jan 2014

    Lil_Red_Kinkyboots wrote:

    Silver bullet - your doctor sounds most unhelpful. They should be able to help you - there is the little blue pill, which I'm sure you know about anyway. There is also an op you can have. As for your wife, if she is going through the menopause, could well have a low libido, it is very common. She could get help for that too from the doctors. I'm sure there must be plenty of life left in you both. You must be feeling bogged down with it, which is understandable. Where there's a will there's a way and you're not too old. 😊😘

    +1 I agree. If you need it there is always help out there .

    1492782085
    georgiascottson [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant Colonel
    • Posts: 11
    • Joined: 10 Jul 2013

    Me and my husband recently got into a bit of a stale patch in our relationship. We've been together for 16 years and to be fair, things just got a little boring. SOOOOO i took the initiative to book a hotel and i told him, this was NOT a relaxing weekend but a weekend of bringing our relatitionship back to speed. He.........ENJOYED it lol. Was well worth the cost of a cheap hotel (We didn't really leave the room so i didn't care about the facilities lol)

    1492787783
    Kirsty92 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: General
    • Posts: 716
    • Joined: 25 Aug 2015

    Taser? Might cause a different kind of spark though 😂

    Maybe an outfit to make her feel sexy? I have the opaque tube dress from here. Im big and feel unsexy but I put that on and I feel much better and sexier.

    1492788056
    Kirsty92 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: General
    • Posts: 716
    • Joined: 25 Aug 2015

    Try giving her plenty of kisses (not just lips. Nose, forehead...anywhere. vary the intensity too. Little gentle pecks to wonderful passinate kisses) cuddles, I love yous, wrap your arms around her waist

    1492800091
    silver bullet [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant
    • Posts: 21
    • Joined: 16 Feb 2016

    mysteron wrote:

    Lil_Red_Kinkyboots wrote:

    Silver bullet - your doctor sounds most unhelpful. They should be able to help you - there is the little blue pill, which I'm sure you know about anyway. There is also an op you can have. As for your wife, if she is going through the menopause, could well have a low libido, it is very common. She could get help for that too from the doctors. I'm sure there must be plenty of life left in you both. You must be feeling bogged down with it, which is understandable. Where there's a will there's a way and you're not too old. 😊😘

    +1 I agree. If you need it there is always help out there .No I have tried all the pllls there is 2 more options left 1 is the implant the other is there is this pill you stick down in the uretha but that kind of scares the hell out of me. I have also heard something about a shot you can get it keeps you up for a while but not if true or not.My Dr wanted me on 5mg cialas daily for the enlarged prostrate but insurance will only give 6 pills a month which is what he wants me to use. They say since cialas is for ed they think the 5mg is the same and its not the 1 for ed is 40mg so thats where I am for now again thanks to all

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