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  1. Never been able to have an orgasm....

    1491831286
    KirstyLee [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Brigadier
    • Posts: 202
    • Joined: 13 Feb 2017

    Hi,

    I'm almost 25 years old and I have never been able to have an orgasm, either by myself or with my partner.

    I've not long started masterbating after spending a lot of years feeling a bit grossed out by the thought of touching myself down there.

    Never having an orgasm is really starting to get me down and is making me worry I'm one of those unlucky people who will never be able to orgasm and I can't stop worrying about it during sex !

    Worst part of it all is worrying so much is probably part of the reason that I'm unable to reach climax also!

    It's hard to explain why having an orgasm is so important to me, I'm guessing it's due to the amount of books, films and tv shows putting so much emphasis on it

    Any advice please ?

    :(

    1491842564
    AmyA [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Colonel
    • Posts: 219
    • Joined: 21 Feb 2016

    Hi there, I don't know if I can be much help but I didn't want you to feel ignored, it can be quiet on here during the day but I'm sure you'll get lots of responses later.

    I would concentrate on solo play first as it will be much easier than trying to direct your partner, plus you need to find out what gets you there on your own first.

    I don't see any toys on your reviews but I do see cleaner so I guess you have some. What do you have? Many women are never able to orgasm from just penetration but an external clit vibe might be the way to go. I also ask about toys as I too am still very freaked by touching myself and don't think I would ever have got there if I had to deal with that too, it's my next target to work on though.

    Others will be along to talk about how important it is to be relaxed and about not making the orgasm your goal. Spend time alone exploring what gets you fired up (porn, stories, fantasies, anything) explore what feels nice/pleasurable (just the sensation in the moment, not putting any pressure on it developing) and enjoy that. Try to take away any expectations and just enjoy. Hope that's a start.

    1491846377
    captainmeow [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Major General
    • Posts: 615
    • Joined: 18 Sep 2016

    Hi there! I struggle with orgasms too and I know the pain. I'm about your age too, and not too long ago began to purposefully think about orgasms. I think the emphasis on orgasms is very much perpetuated by media. And even on forums on sex toy reviews, everyone talks about orgasms as the end point, so to speak. I have since managed a couple orgasms, but I've learnt a few things so far which I hope you'll find helpful! Long comment ahead!

    - Not all orgasms are eye-rolling screaming orgasms. They can be quite underwhelming, or so I've found the very few I've had to be. When I orgasmed during play with my partner, he had to tell me that I orgasmed because it wasn't anything like what I thought it would be. So it's worthwhile revisting your ideas of orgasms :)

    - I personally found that enjoying the process is a lot more helpful than focusing on orgasming. If you're with a partner, it helps if they are attentive to you and your body's responses to things. Communication is key here as well. But if you're focused on orgasming, then it adds stress to the whole situation. Enjoy yourself!

    - Discover your body! If you don't know your body, you can't tell your partner what to do. Most women can come from clitoral stimulus, but some people do need penetration (G-spot or A-spot stimulation, usually not just random thrusting) to climax. I recently discovered that I'm one of those who need G-spot stimulus too, but penetration is currently difficult for me :( Learn your body and what feels good. What feels good may eventually lead on its own to orgasms, and may take a long time! Set the mood, be patient, and enjoy the ride. You *are* getting somewhere even if it doesn't feel like it.

    - Don't forget foreplay! For many women (and men too) it's a very important part that often gets neglected. 

    - It takes time. Especially since you've spent years being grossed out at the idea of masturbation. Many women also find they get more pleasure the older they get - and it's likely because of more experience with themselves.

    - Consider good toys! I've found Lovehoney's returns policy incredible for allowing me to discover what toys suit me. I've now discovered the We-Vibe Tango which while pricey, is rumbly and usually strong enough to be pleasurable to me. Most cheaper vibes are buzzy, and some women do like that. Again, it's about learning your body and what you like.

    - Some people need visual or mental stimulus as well to get things going. Imagination can also help. I get distracted very easily, so that probably works against me, but the idea is to focus on the stimulus to set the mood, rather than trying to race towards a finish line.

    If it's any encouragement, know that you're not alone and that you've got many years ahead of you to mature sexually. It happens more easily for some women and less for others, but there are a lot of psychological factors involved too, so it's hard to tell why. If you're very concerned about it, you can also consider going to a sexual health clinic. I'm aware that in some parts of the country (assuming UK) there are people who help with these things.

    But most of all, don't stress too much about it! I know personally that it's easier said than done, but relaxing does get easier the less you fixate on it, even if it takes weeks or months. Explore and enjoy the ride, it will be worth it :)

    1491850873
    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 1737
    • Joined: 27 Feb 2010

    You are right when you say that worryingabout not having an orgasm is contrubuting to the fact that you can't orgasm; as is the fact that you have felt grosed out at the thought of touching yourself intimately. That will be still lingeriing somewhere in the back of your mind; and even thoughts that not only shouldn't be touching yourself, but that you shouldn't be trying to orgasm, you might not even be aware that this is in your mind.

    What you need to try, is to keep in your mind that it's is not only ok to touch yourself, but that it's a natural and normal thing for anyone to do. Do you know why you felt grossed out at the thought of touching yourself, is it because you were told that it was a dirty and naughty thing to do, when you were young. I have see a number of women post here saying that this was told to them many times over by their parents. What ever the reasoning behind your feeling, it is normal and healthly to masturbate.

    Do you touch your body; all over that is ? explore your body, not just down there . Try this.

    Create the path in your mind first, visualise it, see it in detail every thing the feelings in your heart, the sensations in your mind. try this; get relaxed on your bed and using just your finger tips on both hands, put them on your pubis and gently draw them over your skin up your tummy between your breasts, go in a circle on your breasts, then back up your cleavage up the side of your neck to your ears, go around your ear lobes so that you hear the rustle. All the time you are drawing your fingers over your body gather up the sensations as if they are something soild and tangible, and sweep them in to you mind through your ears. Go back down your neck and this time use the back of your fingers to sweep down the sides of your body, go around your breasts again then on down to your hips, draw up your knees and sweep down the out side of your thighs, then onto the inside of your thighs, over your sex, then back up the center again to your ears, to deliver the sensations.

    Do this over and over, when you feel it more, spend a little more time stroking your vulva, labia, and clitoris. Keep only the sensations you feel from your body in you mind, like meditation. When you feel this working well send half the sensations inside your body as you draw your fingers up to your ears from your sex, let them follow your fingers on the outside. This creates a mental pathway for physical sensations from your vagina, to your clit, and from both those to your mind. If you put in a little reverse going from your clit to your vulva, then back again, before moving up you body you mind can create a link between your vulva and your clit, and also draw in all the other spots you pass over, and up inside your body, and link them all to you mind.

    It sounds a bit weird but it works for me, it does take practice, belief and patience though.

    Try not to focus on having an orgasm, let the orgasm come to you when you are ready; just be open to it, and all the sensations that you feel as you masturbate. Some women may feel the sensation of wanting to pee, and hold back in their minds, stopping their orgasm. Anything can do this, it only needs one stray negative thought and it's not going to happen.

    keep it clear in your mind, thats what you are doing is more than ok, it's good. I think you will get the best from this if you explore your body on your own; as some one pointed out you can't show a partner what you like if you don't know yourself.

    Try combinations of things, like clitoral and internal stimulation; even the possition you are in when you masturbate. keep changing what you do; but don't discount one thing, because it didn't work the first time you tried it. Keep going back to all the things you try, and try them again, and again. If you find a result from one way, go find another way; the reason I'm saying this Is I had had friend and she always masturbated with her legs tight together. The only problem is that when she got a bf, and started to have sex, she couldn't enjoy it at all, because he was laid between her legs; and she need her legs shut tight together to be able to feel sexual.

    It's a journey not race, and you have only just stared; don't let outside pressures lead your thoughts. what others say they do, and achieve is for them; you are you, and we are all different.

    The more you focus, on what others can do, and how, the more you move away from you, and how you need to do it.; and put so much pressure on yourself in the process, that you can't even be you. Relax, explore, enjoy the pleasures of your own body; if you can't touch your own body what can you touch. And if you can't accept giving yourself pleasure, then how can you recieve it from others.

    I understand what you must feel, I was raped, and for many years, I didn't want to be touched, or to touch myself or someone else.

    1492020664
    KirstyLee [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Brigadier
    • Posts: 202
    • Joined: 13 Feb 2017

    AmyA wrote:

    Hi there, I don't know if I can be much help but I didn't want you to feel ignored, it can be quiet on here during the day but I'm sure you'll get lots of responses later.

    I would concentrate on solo play first as it will be much easier than trying to direct your partner, plus you need to find out what gets you there on your own first.

    I don't see any toys on your reviews but I do see cleaner so I guess you have some. What do you have? Many women are never able to orgasm from just penetration but an external clit vibe might be the way to go. I also ask about toys as I too am still very freaked by touching myself and don't think I would ever have got there if I had to deal with that too, it's my next target to work on though.

    Others will be along to talk about how important it is to be relaxed and about not making the orgasm your goal. Spend time alone exploring what gets you fired up (porn, stories, fantasies, anything) explore what feels nice/pleasurable (just the sensation in the moment, not putting any pressure on it developing) and enjoy that. Try to take away any expectations and just enjoy. Hope that's a start.

    Hi,

    Thank you so much for the reply, sorry it took me so long to write back.

    Yeah, I definitely feel I have to explore my own body more on my own and try and relax while touching myself.

    I have a couple of G-Spot vibrators but I've not really got along with them, I have just purchased myself the Lelo Mia 2 and I've tried it out a couple of times on my own.
    Trying to relax and not feel that Orgasm is the end goal is the main issue, I keep having to remind myself to relax, it's OK and it's a perfectly normal thing to do, I think being female there is a lot of misconception that it's something we shouldn't be doing.

    I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who doesn't enjoy using hands, I don't think I would have considered it without some sort of toy.

    Thank you for the advice !

    1492021036
    KirstyLee [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Brigadier
    • Posts: 202
    • Joined: 13 Feb 2017

    captainmeow wrote:

    Hi there! I struggle with orgasms too and I know the pain. I'm about your age too, and not too long ago began to purposefully think about orgasms. I think the emphasis on orgasms is very much perpetuated by media. And even on forums on sex toy reviews, everyone talks about orgasms as the end point, so to speak. I have since managed a couple orgasms, but I've learnt a few things so far which I hope you'll find helpful! Long comment ahead!

    - Not all orgasms are eye-rolling screaming orgasms. They can be quite underwhelming, or so I've found the very few I've had to be. When I orgasmed during play with my partner, he had to tell me that I orgasmed because it wasn't anything like what I thought it would be. So it's worthwhile revisting your ideas of orgasms :)

    - I personally found that enjoying the process is a lot more helpful than focusing on orgasming. If you're with a partner, it helps if they are attentive to you and your body's responses to things. Communication is key here as well. But if you're focused on orgasming, then it adds stress to the whole situation. Enjoy yourself!

    - Discover your body! If you don't know your body, you can't tell your partner what to do. Most women can come from clitoral stimulus, but some people do need penetration (G-spot or A-spot stimulation, usually not just random thrusting) to climax. I recently discovered that I'm one of those who need G-spot stimulus too, but penetration is currently difficult for me :( Learn your body and what feels good. What feels good may eventually lead on its own to orgasms, and may take a long time! Set the mood, be patient, and enjoy the ride. You *are* getting somewhere even if it doesn't feel like it.

    - Don't forget foreplay! For many women (and men too) it's a very important part that often gets neglected.

    - It takes time. Especially since you've spent years being grossed out at the idea of masturbation. Many women also find they get more pleasure the older they get - and it's likely because of more experience with themselves.

    - Consider good toys! I've found Lovehoney's returns policy incredible for allowing me to discover what toys suit me. I've now discovered the We-Vibe Tango which while pricey, is rumbly and usually strong enough to be pleasurable to me. Most cheaper vibes are buzzy, and some women do like that. Again, it's about learning your body and what you like.

    - Some people need visual or mental stimulus as well to get things going. Imagination can also help. I get distracted very easily, so that probably works against me, but the idea is to focus on the stimulus to set the mood, rather than trying to race towards a finish line.

    If it's any encouragement, know that you're not alone and that you've got many years ahead of you to mature sexually. It happens more easily for some women and less for others, but there are a lot of psychological factors involved too, so it's hard to tell why. If you're very concerned about it, you can also consider going to a sexual health clinic. I'm aware that in some parts of the country (assuming UK) there are people who help with these things.

    But most of all, don't stress too much about it! I know personally that it's easier said than done, but relaxing does get easier the less you fixate on it, even if it takes weeks or months. Explore and enjoy the ride, it will be worth it :)

    Hi,

    Wow, thank you for the very detailed response !
    Yeah, Orgasms are definitely portrayed as happening during every sex scene and it's really not realistic, it seems everyone is having them, everytime they have sex.

    Relaxing is the main thing I'm trying to do, even trying to "set the mood" for myself lol, my partner has been really suportive which is great.

    I get what you mean about Orgasms not being earth shattering, I sometimes have wondered "Was that one?" then keep going back to the "You will know if you've had one"

    I've started watching porn for the first time also which really seems to be helping although trying to find stuff that I don't feel is vulgar is proving to be quite difficult....

    Thank you for the advice about investing in good quality toys, I ordered myself the Lelo Mia 2 which arrived yesterday and I'm really enjoying it, it's helping me as I don't like using my hands, it just feels really weird for me and isn't an experience I really enjoy. Lovehoneys return policy is amazing as I would not have spent that kind of money on a sex toy without the saftey net of "if you really don't get on with it you can return it" and the delivery was so quick and discreet.

    Thank you for your advice, I think practice, practice and more practice is what is needed !!

    1492021617
    KirstyLee [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Brigadier
    • Posts: 202
    • Joined: 13 Feb 2017

    Alicia4Ever wrote:

    You are right when you say that worryingabout not having an orgasm is contrubuting to the fact that you can't orgasm; as is the fact that you have felt grosed out at the thought of touching yourself intimately. That will be still lingeriing somewhere in the back of your mind; and even thoughts that not only shouldn't be touching yourself, but that you shouldn't be trying to orgasm, you might not even be aware that this is in your mind.

    What you need to try, is to keep in your mind that it's is not only ok to touch yourself, but that it's a natural and normal thing for anyone to do. Do you know why you felt grossed out at the thought of touching yourself, is it because you were told that it was a dirty and naughty thing to do, when you were young. I have see a number of women post here saying that this was told to them many times over by their parents. What ever the reasoning behind your feeling, it is normal and healthly to masturbate.

    Do you touch your body; all over that is ? explore your body, not just down there . Try this.

    Create the path in your mind first, visualise it, see it in detail every thing the feelings in your heart, the sensations in your mind. try this; get relaxed on your bed and using just your finger tips on both hands, put them on your pubis and gently draw them over your skin up your tummy between your breasts, go in a circle on your breasts, then back up your cleavage up the side of your neck to your ears, go around your ear lobes so that you hear the rustle. All the time you are drawing your fingers over your body gather up the sensations as if they are something soild and tangible, and sweep them in to you mind through your ears. Go back down your neck and this time use the back of your fingers to sweep down the sides of your body, go around your breasts again then on down to your hips, draw up your knees and sweep down the out side of your thighs, then onto the inside of your thighs, over your sex, then back up the center again to your ears, to deliver the sensations.

    Do this over and over, when you feel it more, spend a little more time stroking your vulva, labia, and clitoris. Keep only the sensations you feel from your body in you mind, like meditation. When you feel this working well send half the sensations inside your body as you draw your fingers up to your ears from your sex, let them follow your fingers on the outside. This creates a mental pathway for physical sensations from your vagina, to your clit, and from both those to your mind. If you put in a little reverse going from your clit to your vulva, then back again, before moving up you body you mind can create a link between your vulva and your clit, and also draw in all the other spots you pass over, and up inside your body, and link them all to you mind.

    It sounds a bit weird but it works for me, it does take practice, belief and patience though.

    Try not to focus on having an orgasm, let the orgasm come to you when you are ready; just be open to it, and all the sensations that you feel as you masturbate. Some women may feel the sensation of wanting to pee, and hold back in their minds, stopping their orgasm. Anything can do this, it only needs one stray negative thought and it's not going to happen.

    keep it clear in your mind, thats what you are doing is more than ok, it's good. I think you will get the best from this if you explore your body on your own; as some one pointed out you can't show a partner what you like if you don't know yourself.

    Try combinations of things, like clitoral and internal stimulation; even the possition you are in when you masturbate. keep changing what you do; but don't discount one thing, because it didn't work the first time you tried it. Keep going back to all the things you try, and try them again, and again. If you find a result from one way, go find another way; the reason I'm saying this Is I had had friend and she always masturbated with her legs tight together. The only problem is that when she got a bf, and started to have sex, she couldn't enjoy it at all, because he was laid between her legs; and she need her legs shut tight together to be able to feel sexual.

    It's a journey not race, and you have only just stared; don't let outside pressures lead your thoughts. what others say they do, and achieve is for them; you are you, and we are all different.

    The more you focus, on what others can do, and how, the more you move away from you, and how you need to do it.; and put so much pressure on yourself in the process, that you can't even be you. Relax, explore, enjoy the pleasures of your own body; if you can't touch your own body what can you touch. And if you can't accept giving yourself pleasure, then how can you recieve it from others.

    I understand what you must feel, I was raped, and for many years, I didn't want to be touched, or to touch myself or someone else.

    Hey,

    Thanks for the response !


    In all honesty I'm not sure why I don't like touching myself, I was never told by my parents it's disgusting or wrong I think it's just a personal opinion I developed of "I shouldn't do that" I think I thought it was something if caught I would have got in trouble for.

    I'm definitely aware that worrying about having an orgasm is probably the no1 thing I need to change before I have any chance of being able to.
    I've sometimes felt like I feel I'm close to it but then I don't actually know if I am (or even if that was an Orgasm?!)
    I keep getting told "You will know when you've had one" but I wish there was a real sign lol!

    I definitely need to get more comfortable with my own body, learn what I like and don't like and find out what works for me just in terms of enjoyment first.

    Thank you for the advice of exploring my own body, I have been neglecting that and just been focusing on down there.....I will try that next time.

    Also I'm really sorry to hear about your experinces, I can't imagine how that must have affected being intimate with yourself or others.

    1492080022
    dotdashdot [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: General
    • Posts: 708
    • Joined: 7 Jun 2009

    I also find orgasms tricky, I think it's very normal but there's so much focus on it in the media and it's so frustrating that some people find it so easy!

    This is going to sound strange but I first learnt to orgasm when I was much much younger by rolling up my duvet, lying on top and rubbing against it. I don't know what it is, but it gives the exact amount of pressure and stimulation to my clit and I can come within about 30 seconds if I'm in the mood.

    However, touching myself with my fingers just doesn't work. Bullet vibes are just too intense, g spot vibes are rubbish. The only toy that works for me is a rabbit.

    The only way to go is experiment, see what you like and what you don't like. I've just subscribed to the website "OMG Yes". Heard of it? It basically shows videos of real women masturbating and it's good for learning different techniques. It's £25 and it is a good resource. It might just help you to realise that masturbating is normal and give you some ideas about what to do.

    I also find that porn helps A LOT... because I am rubbish at focussing and get too distracted!

    1492222058
    captainmeow [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Major General
    • Posts: 615
    • Joined: 18 Sep 2016

    KirstyLee wrote:

    Hi,

    Wow, thank you for the very detailed response !
    Yeah, Orgasms are definitely portrayed as happening during every sex scene and it's really not realistic, it seems everyone is having them, everytime they have sex.

    Relaxing is the main thing I'm trying to do, even trying to "set the mood" for myself lol, my partner has been really suportive which is great.

    I get what you mean about Orgasms not being earth shattering, I sometimes have wondered "Was that one?" then keep going back to the "You will know if you've had one"

    I've started watching porn for the first time also which really seems to be helping although trying to find stuff that I don't feel is vulgar is proving to be quite difficult....

    Thank you for the advice about investing in good quality toys, I ordered myself the Lelo Mia 2 which arrived yesterday and I'm really enjoying it, it's helping me as I don't like using my hands, it just feels really weird for me and isn't an experience I really enjoy. Lovehoneys return policy is amazing as I would not have spent that kind of money on a sex toy without the saftey net of "if you really don't get on with it you can return it" and the delivery was so quick and discreet.

    Thank you for your advice, I think practice, practice and more practice is what is needed !!

    Came back here to see how you were faring! :)

    In terms of figuring out if you've had an orgasm, I was in the exact same situation just this week. I was with my partner (no full on penetration, just fingers), and I suddenly felt this very small rush to my head that lasted for less than a second. My partner later told me he felt tiny pulsations in me. It did not feel anything like what people said it is, but both our experiences helped me confirm it for each other. Maybe you could have your partner pay more attention to any changes in your body and let you know?

    I know how you feel about porn...maybe imagine you and your partner? Or read erotica? And if masturbation feels really weird for you, you could get your partner to use toys on you. So you're not touching yourself, but both of you are discovering your body together :)

    1492244175
    Lil_Red_Kinkyboots [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 1913
    • Joined: 13 Jan 2012

    Hi there,

    I don't know how you feel about this or if you have even tried but a couple of glasses of your favourite alcoholic beverage can really help you to relax.

    Try not to worry about it, as it really isn't the be all and end all, not everyone climaxes but they still enjoy sex. It is all about discovering what you like and everyone is different. Some women may never orgasm from having down there touched (it could be from nipples instead).
    It doesn't mean it's never going to happen for you just because it hasn't yet.

    A friend of mine did not learn or experience an orgasm until she was in her forties (but she never tried to explore re with fingers, toys or anything as she felt it was wrong). She was married with two teenage children too. She explained sex to her was just doing her marital duties. Then one day she confided in me that she had decided to buy a toy and to cut a long story short she now orgasms regularly. You must have heard the saying - you can't teach an old dog new tricks. You have lots of time to figure it and you will and it will be way before your 40.

    As for what an orgasm feels like, well no two are the same, you can have weak ones and strong ones, fleeting ones and really long ones. I even have the did I ones occasionally. They happen after a build up where you notice you start to tense everywhere, not just down there and then you get a nice warm feeling which for me starts in the small of my back and in my backside and my lower abs then it erupts down there and a really nice feeling as the muscles contract.

    I would say if you are getting a lot of did I moments then you are well on your way to a big one.

    Goodness I only intended this to be a short post! Sorry.

    1492448404
    love honey magic [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Captain
    • Posts: 20
    • Joined: 16 Apr 2017

    I tell you what does make me body shake orgasm, the water jet from the shower, whilst in the show ever I will often lather up and play with nipples, then slowly start jetting the water, massaging your clit and angling the water, I will often bend my knees a little and find that I can feel my clit pulsate, my feet start to tingle and I often then collapse in a tingling heap- it's such a great feeling- give it a try!

    1492453725
    KirstyLee [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Brigadier
    • Posts: 202
    • Joined: 13 Feb 2017

    dotdashdot wrote:

    I also find orgasms tricky, I think it's very normal but there's so much focus on it in the media and it's so frustrating that some people find it so easy!

    This is going to sound strange but I first learnt to orgasm when I was much much younger by rolling up my duvet, lying on top and rubbing against it. I don't know what it is, but it gives the exact amount of pressure and stimulation to my clit and I can come within about 30 seconds if I'm in the mood.

    However, touching myself with my fingers just doesn't work. Bullet vibes are just too intense, g spot vibes are rubbish. The only toy that works for me is a rabbit.

    The only way to go is experiment, see what you like and what you don't like. I've just subscribed to the website "OMG Yes". Heard of it? It basically shows videos of real women masturbating and it's good for learning different techniques. It's £25 and it is a good resource. It might just help you to realise that masturbating is normal and give you some ideas about what to do.

    I also find that porn helps A LOT... because I am rubbish at focussing and get too distracted!

    Hey !

    I completely get the rolled up duvet thing !
    I tried a similar thing with my pillow and although I couldn't get off on it, it felt amazing!

    I hadn't heard of OMG Yes but I've had a google and it does look like a great idea, just not able to fork out the £29 at the moment but thanks for the heads up on that, I will definitely sign up when I can !

    Yeah, I've only just started watching porn and it definitely helps to have something else to focus on also and not feel too self conscious of "I'm just touching myself"

    Thanks for the advice :)

    1492454020
    KirstyLee [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Brigadier
    • Posts: 202
    • Joined: 13 Feb 2017

    captainmeow wrote:

    KirstyLee wrote:

    Hi,

    Wow, thank you for the very detailed response !
    Yeah, Orgasms are definitely portrayed as happening during every sex scene and it's really not realistic, it seems everyone is having them, everytime they have sex.

    Relaxing is the main thing I'm trying to do, even trying to "set the mood" for myself lol, my partner has been really suportive which is great.

    I get what you mean about Orgasms not being earth shattering, I sometimes have wondered "Was that one?" then keep going back to the "You will know if you've had one"

    I've started watching porn for the first time also which really seems to be helping although trying to find stuff that I don't feel is vulgar is proving to be quite difficult....

    Thank you for the advice about investing in good quality toys, I ordered myself the Lelo Mia 2 which arrived yesterday and I'm really enjoying it, it's helping me as I don't like using my hands, it just feels really weird for me and isn't an experience I really enjoy. Lovehoneys return policy is amazing as I would not have spent that kind of money on a sex toy without the saftey net of "if you really don't get on with it you can return it" and the delivery was so quick and discreet.

    Thank you for your advice, I think practice, practice and more practice is what is needed !!

    Came back here to see how you were faring! :)

    In terms of figuring out if you've had an orgasm, I was in the exact same situation just this week. I was with my partner (no full on penetration, just fingers), and I suddenly felt this very small rush to my head that lasted for less than a second. My partner later told me he felt tiny pulsations in me. It did not feel anything like what people said it is, but both our experiences helped me confirm it for each other. Maybe you could have your partner pay more attention to any changes in your body and let you know?

    I know how you feel about porn...maybe imagine you and your partner? Or read erotica? And if masturbation feels really weird for you, you could get your partner to use toys on you. So you're not touching yourself, but both of you are discovering your body together :)

    Thanks for checking back !

    I thiiiiiiiink I might have had one, or at least very close.
    After reading reviews I bought myself the We-Vibe Tango and OMG that thing is amazing, since being on the contraceptive pill I've really struggled with natural lubricant so have to use a fair amount of lube/reapply during sex, my partner used the tango on me after applying a little lube and we didn't have to reapply which felt so good !

    Also after doing some research on porn I signed up to the XConfessions site by Erika Lust and I definitely do not feel as awkward watching that and it really seemed to help me, especially with having some sounds to focus on also!

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    KirstyLee [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Brigadier
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    • Joined: 13 Feb 2017

    Lil_Red_Kinkyboots wrote:

    Hi there,

    I don't know how you feel about this or if you have even tried but a couple of glasses of your favourite alcoholic beverage can really help you to relax.

    Try not to worry about it, as it really isn't the be all and end all, not everyone climaxes but they still enjoy sex. It is all about discovering what you like and everyone is different. Some women may never orgasm from having down there touched (it could be from nipples instead).
    It doesn't mean it's never going to happen for you just because it hasn't yet.

    A friend of mine did not learn or experience an orgasm until she was in her forties (but she never tried to explore re with fingers, toys or anything as she felt it was wrong). She was married with two teenage children too. She explained sex to her was just doing her marital duties. Then one day she confided in me that she had decided to buy a toy and to cut a long story short she now orgasms regularly. You must have heard the saying - you can't teach an old dog new tricks. You have lots of time to figure it and you will and it will be way before your 40.

    As for what an orgasm feels like, well no two are the same, you can have weak ones and strong ones, fleeting ones and really long ones. I even have the did I ones occasionally. They happen after a build up where you notice you start to tense everywhere, not just down there and then you get a nice warm feeling which for me starts in the small of my back and in my backside and my lower abs then it erupts down there and a really nice feeling as the muscles contract.

    I would say if you are getting a lot of did I moments then you are well on your way to a big one.

    Goodness I only intended this to be a short post! Sorry.

    Don't be sorry for the long post, really apprecaite the advice!

    Yes, a couple of vodka and cokes definitey helped me relax haha !

    I am really trying not to focus on orgasms now, I think after some of the advice on here that I might actually be having some weak ones, just didn't realise there were different types.....just trying to enjoy exploring my body and hopefully one day I will have one of those earth moving ones people talk about :)

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    KirstyLee [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Brigadier
    • Posts: 202
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    love honey magic wrote:

    I tell you what does make me body shake orgasm, the water jet from the shower, whilst in the show ever I will often lather up and play with nipples, then slowly start jetting the water, massaging your clit and angling the water, I will often bend my knees a little and find that I can feel my clit pulsate, my feet start to tingle and I often then collapse in a tingling heap- it's such a great feeling- give it a try!

    I've heard a few people mention shower heads, my shower pressure is pitiful so I'm not sure how effective it will be but it's definitely worth a try ! (especially after your description, sounds amazing) Thanks :)

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    KirstyLee [sign in to see picture]
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    • Joined: 13 Feb 2017

    Update:

    (Sorry in advance if TMI)
    So last night I decided to dig out an old vibrator that my OH had encouraged me to purchase ages ago but I had always felt a bit too intimidating to try.

    Warmed myself up and it was all going well, even decided to use my new best friend (wevibe tango) while using the other vibrator internally and it felt realllllly nice.....until my vagina decided to clamp down on the vibrator inside me like it's life depended on it not being removed !
    It was so sudden and to be honest it kind of scared me ! There was a split second of pure panic "omg am I going to be able to get this vibrator out?!" Looking back it was kinda funny but not at the time!

    Is this normal?? Is it a good thing ?? Needless to say after a few seconds I was able to get the vibrator back out 😂 it's just worrying me about trying again!

    1492595215
    AmyA [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi KirstyLee, I have experienced this too and I might be wrong in your case but it could well have been the beginning of a strong g-spot orgasm. I totally understand why you panicked and I did the first time too, I still do sometimes because it can be very expected and almost painful. When you orgasm your muscles contract and release, in my experience if you can relax and let go (mentally that is!) in that moment this is when you can feel waves of pleasure and (for me anyway) shuddering and sometimes squirting or gushing. As I say it still takes me by surprise sometimes and I lose the strength of it or lose it completely but once you know what's happening and where it can go it's easier not to panic and enjoy. Awesome, sounds like you are making great progress but remember not to get to focused on it or it won't happen, enjoy the new sensations as you go and if it happens then bonus! Hope I am not completely of the mark though!

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    Scorpius12 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 6217
    • Joined: 18 Dec 2007

    Hi Kirsty, It sounds to me as though you had the first spasms of an orgasm. They can be very strong and if you have anything inside you at the time, your muscles tend to clamp down around it. If you have strong muscles, then it can take a few minutes to relax enough to be able to take it out. The most important thing is not to panic or try to pull it out too quickly. I have very strong pc muscles, and if I ever use a toy inside me, it takes a while to relax to remove it.

    Also, I just wanted to say that when playing with myself, I need mental stimulation (books, porn, fantasies etc) to orgasm. Although it is not just watching something sexy, you have to find the thing that turns you on. I also don't feel comfortable touching myself directly so I love to use clitoral vibes during solo play. Good luck, and I really hope you try again with your toys, as it sounds like you are making progress xx

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    KirstyLee [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Brigadier
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    • Joined: 13 Feb 2017

    AmyA wrote:

    Hi KirstyLee, I have experienced this too and I might be wrong in your case but it could well have been the beginning of a strong g-spot orgasm. I totally understand why you panicked and I did the first time too, I still do sometimes because it can be very expected and almost painful. When you orgasm your muscles contract and release, in my experience if you can relax and let go (mentally that is!) in that moment this is when you can feel waves of pleasure and (for me anyway) shuddering and sometimes squirting or gushing. As I say it still takes me by surprise sometimes and I lose the strength of it or lose it completely but once you know what's happening and where it can go it's easier not to panic and enjoy. Awesome, sounds like you are making great progress but remember not to get to focused on it or it won't happen, enjoy the new sensations as you go and if it happens then bonus! Hope I am not completely of the mark though!

    Hi !
    I think you might be right about the beginning of a g-spot orgasm !
    It just completely threw me off, it was so sudden and yeah you're right, due to the toy being in there it was pretty painful. I'm hoping if it happens again I will be a bit more prepared and hopefully be able to relax through it ! (and if it doesn't happen again then that's okay too!)

    I definitely feel like I'm relaxing a bit more about it all and just enjoying it without being hung up on having an orgasm.

    Thanks :)

    1492712078
    KirstyLee [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Brigadier
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    • Joined: 13 Feb 2017

    Scorpius12 wrote:

    Hi Kirsty, It sounds to me as though you had the first spasms of an orgasm. They can be very strong and if you have anything inside you at the time, your muscles tend to clamp down around it. If you have strong muscles, then it can take a few minutes to relax enough to be able to take it out. The most important thing is not to panic or try to pull it out too quickly. I have very strong pc muscles, and if I ever use a toy inside me, it takes a while to relax to remove it.

    Also, I just wanted to say that when playing with myself, I need mental stimulation (books, porn, fantasies etc) to orgasm. Although it is not just watching something sexy, you have to find the thing that turns you on. I also don't feel comfortable touching myself directly so I love to use clitoral vibes during solo play. Good luck, and I really hope you try again with your toys, as it sounds like you are making progress xx

    Hi Scorpius12 !

    Yeah, it was very hard not to panic as it was so unexpected ! I'm hoping if it happens again I will be able to relax and not panic as much.

    Completely agree about the mental stimulation! I've found it so much easier to relax while having something else to focus on at the same time.

    Thank you, I definitely feel like I've made progress in the last week, hope it continues ! x

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