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  1. Hubby visited strip club- opinions please

    1490895837
    wildflower [sign in to see picture]
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    I'm frankly horrified that your husband could treat you like this ! I don't think you're the one over reacting here . I know for a fact that if my hubby visited strip clubs he'd be looking for somewhere else to live pretty quick smart !

    Did he know how much you disliked the idea of strip clubs beforehand? If he did then he was bang out of order to go ahead when he could easliy have gone with the other half of the stag group to another bar . I actually wonder whether the rest of the wives know about what their hubbys have got up with private dances ....you might not be the only one being kept in the dark.

    As for the pushing you ....zero excuse for that . He does sound like he's got a temper and while I appreciate that some jobs are very stressful that's no reason to take it out on you . You're at a very vulnerable and emotional time too being pregnant and he should be a lot more understanding.

    And as for saying you're not allowed to talk about it ....well that just confirms his rather controlling behaviour in my opinion. I don't suppose there's much chance of you persauding him to get some kind of anger management if his attitude to this is just not to talk about it but I think from what you've described he needs it.

    I'm sure lots of women don't mind their OH going to strip clubs ( I'm not one of them ) but you need boundaries in a relationship and he's crossed that line with this and the physical pushing of you , I don't want to add more worries to you but I'd be concerned that that could escalate into something much more serious.

    I just feel so sad that you're feeling so miserable at the mo with no one to talk too about it and I'm sure you don't need all this stress. I hope you can work it out and things improve xx

    1490895953
    lmh95 [sign in to see picture]
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    You are not "stupid". Yes pregnancy is an amazing miracle but it can be a scary time too. You are not in total control of your body and can get really uncomfortable as your bump grows. I remember looking side on at myself naked just before I had my first and being shocked how different my body looked. I didn't recognise myself at all but it's just for a little while and I remember sitting feeding my baby a few days after we were home and thinking "how on earth did you fit in there?"

    You don't have very much longer to go so please try to be kind to yourself. Wear some favourite maternity clothes that make you feel good. Put on your favourite lipstick, earrings and accessories. Although you don't feel it most women have that magical glow about them whilst pregnant.

    Look after yourself, try to get plenty rest and once baby is settled maybe book yourself in for a lovely post pregnancy treat at the beauty salon like a facial, full body massage, manicure or pedicure.

    Good luck x

    1490896136
    wildflower [sign in to see picture]
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    Just read your last bit about two of the men using joint cards to pay for dances....utterly disgusting and I hope their wives make their lives misery . I don't understand why a stag night should make this acceptable . If at any other time someones OH had a naked woman gyrating inches from his face it would be consider cheating !

    1490897343
    Browncoats [sign in to see picture]
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    wildflower wrote:

    I'm frankly horrified that your husband could treat you like this ! I don't think you're the one over reacting here . I know for a fact that if my hubby visited strip clubs he'd be looking for somewhere else to live pretty quick smart !

    Did he know how much you disliked the idea of strip clubs beforehand? If he did then he was bang out of order to go ahead when he could easliy have gone with the other half of the stag group to another bar . I actually wonder whether the rest of the wives know about what their hubbys have got up with private dances ....you might not be the only one being kept in the dark.

    As for the pushing you ....zero excuse for that . He does sound like he's got a temper and while I appreciate that some jobs are very stressful that's no reason to take it out on you . You're at a very vulnerable and emotional time too being pregnant and he should be a lot more understanding.

    And as for saying you're not allowed to talk about it ....well that just confirms his rather controlling behaviour in my opinion. I don't suppose there's much chance of you persauding him to get some kind of anger management if his attitude to this is just not to talk about it but I think from what you've described he needs it.

    I'm sure lots of women don't mind their OH going to strip clubs ( I'm not one of them ) but you need boundaries in a relationship and he's crossed that line with this and the physical pushing of you , I don't want to add more worries to you but I'd be concerned that that could escalate into something much more serious.

    I just feel so sad that you're feeling so miserable at the mo with no one to talk too about it and I'm sure you don't need all this stress. I hope you can work it out and things improve xx

    I'm sorry but the above is very mich what I feel about your post. I wouldn't havr a problem with my husband going to a strip club if he told me and we had an agreement before hand. I would also happily go with him. That's just how our relationship works. Now about your children and not wanting to split because of them. They are not a reason to stay together. My father was abusive and me and my sister had to sit there and listen to things being thrown and horrific things being said to my mum. Believe me if there is any form of abuse be it mental emotional or physical staying is not doing your children any favours. I'm not telling you to leave him just don't stay because of the children. They will witness it and it will effect them. Also if he normally throws things pushing you was not the big a step and neither is actually hitting you. Abusive relationships rarely start with a punch they usually start emotionally and mentally then when you believe you're the problem and that you're to blame then the pushing starts. Just saying...
    1490899003
    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    Being a trans girl, I understand the womens view of this, and support it; one of the reasons I know I'm not a man.

    But being in a mans body I have been party to many conversations between married men. There are many men out there who bully other men who say things like " I can't do that, or go there, because the wife would go balistic" It goes like this; are you are man or what, look who's under the thumb, a man should not be told by his wife that he can't do things, like go to strip clubs, or go out and get legless, etc.

    Then there are the men who dare not tell the other man that he respescts his wife, and does not want to do things that upset her; he's the one who let's himself get dragged into the wrong situations. Which one of these 2 types your husband is I can't say for sure. But the fact he lied about it, says he knows he was in the wrong. And this thing where he puts down your feelings on things, and stops you having your say, to make things go in his favou; this is typical controling behaviour, and it scares me.

    I have had it from a female partner, it was awful, psychologically abusive, and then turned violent. I stayed with her because I loved her, and it just went from bad to worse. To the point where she came home with 5 of her drunken girl friends one night, and stood and watched them rape me.

    I'm not saying you will end up like me, but from what you say it seems to be heading that way. Please don't issolate yourself, or let him issolate you from any support you need with regards to this. That was the next thing my ex did to me, until I felt I had no one to turn to.

    The physical, and psychological abuse has already begun, please speak to someone, please don't let this esculate, you must think of your children, even if you can't do it for yourself.

    1490899076
    NatandTom [sign in to see picture]
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    You're not the one over reacting. I think you're being perfectly reasonable. I wouldn't like it either. He on the other hand, is over reacting. There was absolutely no need for him to get so angry because you found out that he went there. He clearly knew he was in the wrong or he would have been upfront about it and not gotten so defensive. It makes me wonder whether he's telling the truth about being the only one who didn't have a dance, as I find that hard to believe. If the guy getting married got one, I'd bet that he did too.

    What shocked me the most about reading this is the part where he pushed you over. Please don't attempt to excuse his behavior and say you were "half down" girl, you could be kneeling and it wouldn't matter. That's completely unacceptable. It's aggressive and absolutely not necessary. Not to mention you're seven months pregnant? He could have done serious harm to you both. If you had a pregnant friend in this situation would you be saying it mattered if she was half down? No, I don't think you would.

    You mention he has a temper and throws/kicks things sometimes, and for me, I would consider that a ticking time bomb. He's now made things physical and whether he remembers or not, I worry that he might do it again the next time he gets frustrated. He might have a stressful job, but that's no excuse to act out in this way. I would sit down and talk to him about his temper and tell him he needs anger management. 

    You might think I'm over reaching or being harsh on him, but this is because I care. My biological father had a temper and my mum left him as he refused to get help. He spent the next four years being violent towards me and my six step siblings. I don't want you to get years down the line and have this occur again. You deserve better than that. I also think you deserve better than someone who clearly hid something from you because he knew it would hurt you, but went and did it anyway.

    I know that you love him and probably weren't expecting this advice, but it's just how I view the situation. It's your decision at the end of the day, but stay safe and enforce those boundaries. If him being around half naked women makes you uncomfortable, he should be respecting that. If he does it again and refuses to sort his anger, I think it might be time to consider leaving, as hard as that might be.

    I hope you're alright and I'm sorry that this happened. I hope the rest of the pregnancy goes smoothly and you receive a sincere apology for the lying and the bruises. X

    1490903405

    [suspended user]

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    Hello and welcome to the forums.

    As you can see we are a very supportive bunch and care about each other a lot. Your very welcome here and by the sounds of it need ux.

    You have not waffled on and are most definitely not being stupid. Its very upsetting for another man to hear how other men can behave. A Connot condone any of his poor behavior.. This is supposed to be the most happiest time of your life. Being pushed over in your co condition is tantamount to abuse. You are carrying his baby for gods sake.

    I'm afraid for me it brings out a very patriarchal masculine emotion of wanting to protect you and take your husband to inside . Give him a bloody good talking too.

    Big hug from GG xxx

    1490906245
    *sexybabe* [sign in to see picture]
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    This thread makes me so sad, and angry - babe your IH is treating you appallingly and you must stick up for yourself. Pregnancy does not make you unattractive! It's one of the most amazing, incredible things a woman can do, to bear a child (speaking as a non-mother and someone terrified of blood, so am absolutely in awe of every woman who has had a baby). You must look after yourself and put yourself first!

    The strip club I could forgive, if he'd been honest with you and told you he was going. The lying about it is different. Any sort of mental or physical abuse, coupled with his selfish and controlling behaviour, is not under any circumstances acceptable. I'm not saying you shouldn't be with him, that's not my place to say and I don't know either of you. But please make a stand for yourself and stick up for yourself, otherwise he won't change if he feels he can get away with that sort of thing.

    Why don't you treat yourself to some sexy lingerie to make you feel good about yourself? Maternity can be sexy! Some people have quite a fetish about it!

    Look after yourself and please be strong, and remember you are beautiful inside and out ❤️ Xxxx

    1490910095
    203 [sign in to see picture]
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    I'm really sorry to hear about your current situation.

    The behaviours you describe are domestically abusive, and I am concerned for your safety and that of your unborn baby. There's lots of research that shows that domestic abuse escalates during pregnancy, and indeed that women are at increased risk and more vuknerable for 18 months post a new baby.

    You've described in your post a mixture of your husband being physically abusive in pushing you and leaving bruises as a result, potentially risking the life of your unborn baby. You've also talked about emotional and verbal abusive, and I have the sense you're walking on egg shells and are feeling controlled. Your husbands job is not and excuse, as an adult he needs to find a way of managing and regulating himself. Similarly, his perceived status is irrelevant.. Domestic abuse occurs in all sorts of relationships and all walks of society including people like judges, police offices, people in high positions etc.

    None of these things are acceptable, and you are believed. I strongly urge you to raise this with your midwife.

    Domestically abusive relationships have a huge impact on children and babies, and there are many solicitors who have specialist training in this area who are sensitive to the complexities this type of dynamic creates.

    1490916610
    Browncoats [sign in to see picture]
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    203 wrote:

    Domestically abusive relationships have a huge impact on children and babies, and there are many solicitors who have specialist training in this area who are sensitive to the complexities this type of dynamic creates.

    this could not be more true. Also I'm afraid to say its not a massive leap from the mother to the children. My heart is breaking over this post. I have PTSD from my childhood.

    1490918487
    AnalLover [sign in to see picture]
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    I'd second a lot of what's already been said here... his treatment of you is not acceptable and no, you are NOT over-reacting. If anything I'd be more concerned about the mental / emotional side of things (i.e. him throwing his own faults back at you and making you out to be the guilty one), but there is absolutely NO excuse for physical violence.

    I personally have never been to a strip club. I'm pretty sure my wife would definitely not be happy if she heard I had been to one, but equally I really don't have any interest in going to one either. However, I don't see anything wrong per se with going to one... it's the dishonesty about it that's bad. Even if he hadn't told you afterwards (as he knew it would probably upset you)... but when you asked about it 'fessed up and apologised, that would (in my opinion) be another matter (after all, it was a stag do and as Alicia said above, there can be a lot of blokey pressure in that kind of situation).

    But to blow up about it when they truth comes out... no.

    You are NOT over-reacting. This situation is NOT your fault. His treatment of you (physical and mental) is NOT acceptable.

    If you feel you can't talk to any friends of family, have you considered talking to an anonymous helpline? If you google "abuse helpline" there are a number that come up on the first page of results. You don't have to take it any further, but it may well do you some good just to talk it through with someone.

    Sending virtual hugs. Hope the remainder of your pregnancy goes smoothly.

    1490924472
    captainmeow [sign in to see picture]
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    I echo the other responses - reading your original post and the following replies really broke my heart. Pregnant or not, it's entirely inappropriate to be treated like that, especially by the ones you love most. Unfortunately, it's incredibly common for people to be violent at home, away from the eyes of others. :/

    I'm also really uncomfortable with the fact that he doesn't seem to feel any remorse about his actions and is telling you how you should feel about being pregnant. Either he actually feels horrid and it's his defense mechanism (I personally really hope it's this), or he's more concerned about himself than he is about you. It's hard for us to tell because this is obviously only one side of the story. I know men who treat their partners that way with the explosive anger, but similarly I know men who realise it's a problem and actively work on it so they don't hurt their partner.

    You mentioned writing an email to him - is he then now aware of how you feel about your body, and how his actions are accentuating it? Perhaps have him see it from your perspective: how would he feel if it was him sitting at home looking after the kids, finding out from a third party that you've been to a strip club and had a male stripper give you private dances? We sometimes don't realise (or don't want to admit) our actions until the same is done to us. Please don't hide your bruises from him - he needs to be aware of the consequences of his actions. No one really just "forgets".

    And please please let at least a close friend or family know about this, mainly because it sounds like he's acted out before...it's quite worrying in itself that you're not allowed to tell people. 

    1490932205
    Vanessa8 [sign in to see picture]
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    So I don't want to "pile on" but this us not ok. Doesn't matter what caused the disagreement him pushing you is abusive. Him kicling and punching things is not being a good dad as he needs yo learn how to express anger differently.

    As far as the strip club issue if you are not ok with them it doesn't matter what anyone rise thinks of them. This is a serious trust issue that must be addressed or your resentment will grow.

    1490950988
    J0hn80y [sign in to see picture]
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    I visited a strip club on my stag night, wife was totally fine with it but she wouldn't be fine if it was a random or regular event and rightly so. if I was to attend another stag do then I suspect she will be ok with that also, and believe me when I say but she's a very jealous person.

    1490952274
    Delboy1991 [sign in to see picture]
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    How are u this morning? I've genuinaly been concerned for you all night x

    1490959954
    mysteron [sign in to see picture]
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    My take on this may be a little different. .

    As you say you have been 11 years together so in that time I would have expected that you know about his temper and I presume its something that you tolerate. Not ideal I have to admit. However that doesn't give him any excuse for knocking you over . Whilst not quite the same as hitting out , it shouldn't be tolerated and I think you deserve an apology at the very least.

    His other mistake I think was not the fact that he went to the strip club but kept it hidden from yourself. I think if he explained that it was part of a stag night before agreeing to go , then just maybe you would have reacted differently. I have been on stag dos and crazy things do happen as I dare say the same type of things happen on hen nights.

    My view is that you both perhaps need to get together and talk and for him to eat some humble pie ,make up and move on together .

    1490967611
    Friday13 [sign in to see picture]
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    Honesty is important in a relationship so, if it was me, I'd have an issue with him keeping the fact he went to a strip club from me. I personally have no issue with a partner going to a strip club as long as going to strip clubs wasn't leaving him with no time for me (it would be the same if he played video games all the time or spent every evening in the pub with friends). What is acceptable in a relationship is decided between the people in that relationship so if you both decided no strip clubs, his behaviour isn't ok. If you never had that conversation, it might be worth having it now.

    The thing that concerns me in your post is your husband's behaviour. It sounds like domestic abuse. It's a phrase that carries so much weight people are often reluctant to call their experiences abuse but that doesn't change the fact it is. Pregnancy is a risk factor for domestic violence starting or getting worse but there are people who can support you to either keep as safe as possible in the relationship or to leave (when you are ready). Asking for help doesn't mean getting your partner arrested or having to leave him. How you handle it is your decision. You could speak to a medical professional such as a midwife or a specialist service like Refuge or Women's Aid for support, advice on your options or to just have a bit of a discussion about your experiences.

    It can be hard to call it abuse when you are being abused (I'm speaking from experience here) because you don't see your partner as an abuser or yourself as a victim. Our ideas of what an abuser or victim look like often come from TV and TV wants drama not reality. You don't need black eyes and broken bones to be a victim of abuse. It doesn't have to happen every day or week for it to be abuse. An abuser is just as likely to hold down a good job, be attractive and be loved by your parents as they are to be an unemployed alcoholic. It can be hard to see our experiences as abuse because abusive partners aren't always abusive so you can kind of block out the bad stuff. They promise they'll change and you want to believe them. They tell you it's your fault they did x and call you names until you start to believe they are right and believe the abuse is your fault. You may well wind them up, nag them, be overly emotional etc but that doesn't excuse their behaviour. Abuse is never the victim's fault.

    Here are a few links to help you think about whether you are experiencing abuse and how you could seek support. If you don't want these websites to show up in your search history either use an private window (called incognito on my phone) or delete your search history but be aware it can lead to passwords getting cleared too which can cause partners to get suspicious or angry at you for deleting the history. To avoid that happening you could ring the

    24-hour National Domestic Violence Freephone Helpline on 0808 2000 247

    Info about the helpline: http://www.refuge.org.uk/what-we-do/our-services/helpline/

    Recognising domestic abuse: https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/recognising-domestic-abuse/

    Domestic violence and pregnancy: http://www.refuge.org.uk/get-help-now/what-is-domestic-violence/domestic-violence-and-pregnancy/#

    1490971537
    TarnishChris [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi..im.late to this...and probably wont say anything other people have said...first things first i hope you are okay, being pushed over isnt okay EVER..hitting out at things isnt okay EVER, he needs help and you need space.
    As for a stressful job..well i have a stressful job (at work i am at constant risk of physical attack and worse) thats NEVER a reason for being a cunt to your partner EVER.
    I hope you can find someone to talk to, you spund a bit isolated and alone.
    Basicly..hes lied bullied you and then hit out at you when you caught him, he sounds like a bully and needs a reality check.
    I hope you and your little ones are good and SAFE

    1490971698
    TarnishChris [sign in to see picture]
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    Friday13 wrote:

    Honesty is important in a relationship so, if it was me, I'd have an issue with him keeping the fact he went to a strip club from me. I personally have no issue with a partner going to a strip club as long as going to strip clubs wasn't leaving him with no time for me (it would be the same if he played video games all the time or spent every evening in the pub with friends). What is acceptable in a relationship is decided between the people in that relationship so if you both decided no strip clubs, his behaviour isn't ok. If you never had that conversation, it might be worth having it now.

    The thing that concerns me in your post is your husband's behaviour. It sounds like domestic abuse. It's a phrase that carries so much weight people are often reluctant to call their experiences abuse but that doesn't change the fact it is. Pregnancy is a risk factor for domestic violence starting or getting worse but there are people who can support you to either keep as safe as possible in the relationship or to leave (when you are ready). Asking for help doesn't mean getting your partner arrested or having to leave him. How you handle it is your decision. You could speak to a medical professional such as a midwife or a specialist service like Refuge or Women's Aid for support, advice on your options or to just have a bit of a discussion about your experiences.

    It can be hard to call it abuse when you are being abused (I'm speaking from experience here) because you don't see your partner as an abuser or yourself as a victim. Our ideas of what an abuser or victim look like often come from TV and TV wants drama not reality. You don't need black eyes and broken bones to be a victim of abuse. It doesn't have to happen every day or week for it to be abuse. An abuser is just as likely to hold down a good job, be attractive and be loved by your parents as they are to be an unemployed alcoholic. It can be hard to see our experiences as abuse because abusive partners aren't always abusive so you can kind of block out the bad stuff. They promise they'll change and you want to believe them. They tell you it's your fault they did x and call you names until you start to believe they are right and believe the abuse is your fault. You may well wind them up, nag them, be overly emotional etc but that doesn't excuse their behaviour. Abuse is never the victim's fault.

    Here are a few links to help you think about whether you are experiencing abuse and how you could seek support. If you don't want these websites to show up in your search history either use an private window (called incognito on my phone) or delete your search history but be aware it can lead to passwords getting cleared too which can cause partners to get suspicious or angry at you for deleting the history. To avoid that happening you could ring the

    24-hour National Domestic Violence Freephone Helpline on 0808 2000 247

    Info about the helpline: http://www.refuge.org.uk/what-we-do/our-services/helpline/

    Recognising domestic abuse: https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/recognising-domestic-abuse/

    Domestic violence and pregnancy: http://www.refuge.org.uk/get-help-now/what-is-domestic-violence/domestic-violence-and-pregnancy/#

    Quoted and reposted.

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