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  1. How can I trust him again?

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    chazamelina [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Officer Cadet
    • Posts: 10
    • Joined: 23 Sep 2009

    Well I'm glad to see I'm not the only one who's had to go through this but it does make me wonder are all men like this? I have a male friend who's wife is now divorcing him because he did something similar (although he's never told me the full extent of what he did).

    Unfortunately it turns out that my paranoia was justified and it looks like he has been doing it again. I haven't been able to confront him about it yet because I have spent the day wirting a very boring essay so I had to try and forget what I found and concentrate on that but now I'm done it's hit me. I'm not exactly looking forward to tomorrow because I know I can't let him get away with this any more and he needs to realise that he needs to decide whether he wants to be single and flirt with anything in a pair of knickers or if he truly wants to marry me.

    I just feel so stupid and angry and upset and whole lot of other things.

    Thank you so much for all the advice it's been really good to finally talk about this and you've all been lovely so I'll definately be on here more.

    Wish me luck.

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    Ecksvie [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
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    • Joined: 11 Jun 2009

    So sorry to hear that Chaz, you definitely need to have a talk with him. Dont let your engagement or the length of time you've been together get in the way - if things really can't work between you both then you're so much better off walking away than carrying on with something that won't make you happy. If you do stay together after this, make sure he knows he's on his last chance, this sort of behaviour just won't do.

    I'm lucky in that I've never suffered from anything like this, although my current partner is the only one I've ever had, so I dont have as much experience in that department. My OH is polyamorist, meaning he believes in having more than one partner. I've learnt to deal with it, and he's been incredibly accommodating to me and we've made agreements about it like he has to tell me if he does get another partner and if I say I cant handle it, he'll stop and it'll be just me (since it took him enough years to bag me and he wants to spend the rest of his life with me). I could say I wanted him to stop it now, but so far it feels unnecessary since it would majorly bother him while it feels like an inconvenience to me at the moment. We've been together for 15 months now and he's not had another partner other than me, so I'm hoping it stays that way and I never have to find out how I'd feel about him with another woman. If he ever lies to me and it turns out he does have another girlfriend, I'm within my rights to get pissed. Give and take - I've allowed him to stay true to what he wants while he agrees to give me what I want in the event it does happen.

    Still, my point is, that even though I'm in a different situation to you, every relationship is built on trust and there are rules that need to be followed. They vary from relationship to relationship, but your partner knew about the rule that you didnt want him doing this with other girls, but he did it anyway.

    I hope things work out for you, one way or the other.

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    chazamelina [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Officer Cadet
    • Posts: 10
    • Joined: 23 Sep 2009

    Thank you so much.

    I've decided I need to take some drastic action and ask him to leave my house so we can both take some time to decide what we want. If he really wants to stay with me then he's just going to have to find a way to win me back and prove he's changed and I need to decide if he's worth the effort.

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    Columbus [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Colonel
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    • Joined: 19 Aug 2009

    Wow, good for you. That's a really big, couragous decision so I applaud you for being so strong. Let us know how it goes and use this forum as a sounding board anytime, because I think talking about things helps you gain perspective and stops things eating away at you inside x

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    Ecksvie [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 1173
    • Joined: 11 Jun 2009

    Good for you Chaz, that takes alot of courage so big hugs!

    Hope things work out. I think now you're not living in the same house it should soon become clear whether you have a future together.

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    Alicia D'amore [sign in to see picture]
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    • Joined: 2 Feb 2008

    Well done Chaz :)

    Hope things work out for you!

    And don't feel stupid! It takes a strong person to give someone a second chance and an even stronger one to realise when that second chance is up :)

    Good luck!

    Ax

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    KittyPurry [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: General
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    • Joined: 22 Aug 2009

    Heyo and welcome Chaz :)

    I feel the need to post in this thread even though I'm supposed to be revising. Your situation has struck a cord with me because I went through something similar and it was horrible. I really truly sympathise because I know how painful and humiliating it feels.

    My OH and I managed to work through our problems after it happened but only by fighting hard for it: him proving he could change and me being willing to believe it. I will stress though I never once had to ask him to prove his faithfulness or commitment to fixing things he did it all on his own. My OH was attentative and put up with my random fits of jealousy and crying and insecurity and he never complained. He may haven broken my heart but we fixed it together so it was stronger than before. Since "the incident" happened I know he hasn't done anything to hurt me and I know that he never would.

    I guess what I'm trying to say here is bravo for trying to make it work because sometimes things can be mended but double-bravo for kicking your partner out when he didn't measure up to your PERFECTLY REASONABLE expectations of fidelity. Everyone makes mistakes but the people worth keeping around are the ones willing to learn from them: he knew it would hurt you but kept doing it...at best that's thoughtlessly selfish at worst it's malicious, decietful and cruel. I may not know you but I do know that everyone deserves better than to be treated like this.

    Peace, love and solidarity girly

    xxKPxx

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    BigPoppa [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Colonel
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    • Joined: 24 Jan 2010

    Having read your thread I'm really sorry to hear that he is still doing this.

    You have obviously invested a lot of time in your relationship but as others have said this is not a reason to keep it going. A friend of mine ended a 8 year relationship after he started straying. He realised that this was a sign that it was over and that he didn't really care now. He ended it and now is happily married and has a lovely wife and daughter. They are so well suited to each other and it was clear that he wasn't with his ex but the vast amount of time they spent together was making it impossible. How ever some alcohol and pretty women later and he'd started the process that ended it all. Not thats the healthiest way do work things out though!

    What he's doing is cheating on you no matter how you look at it. I wonder if like my friend he is perhaps unconciously constructing a situation which gets him out of having to ends things.

    I personally don't have a romantic view of the world. There is no such thing as your perfect partner. Given the time and resources I bet we all could find 100's of people around the world who we could find sexually attractive and fall in love with. It is only society that has imposed monogamy on the world and I think biologically men have an unconcious drive to procreate ( ie have sex ) as often and with as many people as possible. It is only our higher brains and our love and sense of respect for our partners and guilt that normally prevents us from straying. I think this is the reason 1 in 3 marriages fail in the UK. That and the fact that people think they can change someone. People only ever change when they want to.

    Consider this fact when your thinking about your future. Pushing on and hoping it'll get better or worse yet getting married anytime in the next few years would be a mistake in my opinion. But i don't really know you or him and what you have together as no one else can now that but you.

    Ultimately have respect for yourself. There are a few sentences in your posts where it comes across as if you're unsure of your self worth. This is important to sort out for yourself as valuing yourself is a good starter for a healthy relationship. No I haven't got this from self-books but from talking to people who have long stable marriages or relationships. These couples are great people with interesting lives apart from each other but then have space and time where they have a good life together. Like the 3 points on a triangle someone once said to me ( I had to think about that for a while! )

    There is a very interesting point in a book called 'Blink' that researchers were able with the help of very few bits of data and 15minutes of video of a couple arguing, they were able to say with over 90% accuracy if that couple would still be together in 15 years time ( by checking again with them after that time ). The theory was that small problems in communication very slowly eat away and build and build and over time until one day a couple find they have no love or respect for the other person anymore.

    Sorry for the last bit but that information blew me away that it wasn't actually hard to predict a couples future in 15 years, something I would have though to be almost impossible.

    I wonder how much respect he would really have for you if you go back? Why I say this is that you have threatened him once already with an ultimatum and if you don't follow through he may take that as a green card that he'll probably get away with it again. May not be now, he might stop but what if an opportunity with another woman presents in 2 years, 5 years, 20 years? Will some bit of his brain be telling him he'll ultimately get away with it again?

    I suspect amongst all the noise and the arguements going through your head there is a quiet little voice telling you what you need to do. Do not doubt this voice. Listen to it and follow it.

    All the best no matter what you do.

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    Columbus [sign in to see picture]
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    BigPoppa wrote:

    There is a very interesting point in a book called 'Blink' that researchers were able with the help of very few bits of data and 15minutes of video of a couple arguing, they were able to say with over 90% accuracy if that couple would still be together in 15 years time ( by checking again with them after that time ). The theory was that small problems in communication very slowly eat away and build and build and over time until one day a couple find they have no love or respect for the other person anymore.

    I can imagine this. This is an issue in my relationship and something we're working on.

    1264548663
    Columbus [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Colonel
    • Posts: 403
    • Joined: 19 Aug 2009

    BigPoppa wrote:

    There is a very interesting point in a book called 'Blink' that researchers were able with the help of very few bits of data and 15minutes of video of a couple arguing, they were able to say with over 90% accuracy if that couple would still be together in 15 years time ( by checking again with them after that time ). The theory was that small problems in communication very slowly eat away and build and build and over time until one day a couple find they have no love or respect for the other person anymore.

    I can imagine this. This is an issue in my relationship and something we're working on.

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    Tigerlilies [sign in to see picture]
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    Great research Big Poppa!

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