• Chubby confidence... ?

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    Clublife [sign in to see picture]
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    Second time posting & just in need of some help... I've lost 3.5 stone weight in the past 2 years & although I've dropped 4 dress sizes & feel much better than I used to I'm still not massively confident, even with my husband of 8 years!
    He says he's always found me attractive, even at my biggest & that it's me as me he finds sexy- my personality aswell as appearance.

    I'm all talk in text but when it comes to in person I'm quite shy, I can't just come on to him, I've never been able to. Fear of rejection maybe, I sit & think about what I could do but time just goes on & I end up just going up to bed, frustrated with myself.

    I love him & find him incredibly sexy & when we do have sex I let myself go a little but he wants me to talk dirty & I just can't, or he asks me to sit on his face & I cringe- not because I don't like him licking me but because I'm so conscious of my weight, the few times I've tried it I concentrate too much on beating my weight myself so can't enjoy what he's doing, let alone concentrate on sucking him off at the same time!!

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    Lovehoney - Leanne [sign in to see picture]
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    Firstly... Well done on the weight loss! That is incredible.

    We have a thread running that may help offer some support to you :

    https://www.lovehoney.co.uk/community/forums/off-topic/1417029-get-it-off-support-thread/page-80/

    I am sure some member's in this thread may be able to offer some words of wisdom to you here too. 

    Hope you get the advise you are looking for they are a helpful bunch. 

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    mysteron [sign in to see picture]
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    First of all confidence and shyness are two seperate things. Shyness may indicate that your just quiet as your nervous about meeting new people etc. I would say I am erring towards shyness and would rarely start a conversation with someone I don't know .That I don't think you can ever change as I can't with myself its something like me you may well have to put up with .Its how we are!

    In my mind there are 2 types of confidence . Confidence on how you come across to other people and body confidence.

    The former I would say I am very confident as my weight loss has helped in that respect. I guessing this could be the same with yourself as weight loss does boost your confidence.

    Body confidence is something that can be corrected over time. I have been told by my OH that I have a very attactive body now and my Doctor indicated that I have a body of someone nearly 20 years younger than I am . That said I wouldn't be comfortable yet say sitting around a pool side just wearing a pair of shorts ,although I should be. This I hope will get bettter over time and doesn't affect the bedroom .

    I suspect whats not helping in your case is the request of your OH for sex acts that you are not comfortable with . This you will need to let him know albeit gently . What may give your more confidence bodily is to look at yourself in a mirror without clothes and try and get used to how you look. If your are still losing weight then you can say to yourself "Its work in Progress" and things can only get better. Until then if your not comfortable in the bedroom about your body then buy some lingerie or babydoll and cover up the bits that you don't like. Making love to a woman wearing lingerie of babydoll can be regarded as a turn on for some guys and its something I quite like .

    I just hope I have given you a couple of pointers.

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    Clublife [sign in to see picture]
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    Thanks Leanne, thanks for the link but that's not the sort of thing I was looking for on here, I'm pretty happy with my current support for weight loss, it's the sex side I'm looking for support with.

    Mysteron I feel I am pretty confident with new people- I'm an army wife so am constantly thrown into new social situations where I either sit in the corner & not talk to new people or introduce myself & start talking. I'm definitely the latter.
    But behind closed doors I'm not confident, body or dirty talking. I try to be.

    Lastnight me & hubs watched porn together which was a turn on, but I didn't want to reenact some of the positions they did mainly because the woman was stick thin & probably weightless!!

    Hubs knows I'm not massively confident but he tries to help with that & I think he finds it hard that I can be filthy in sexting but face to face I'm not as brash.

    I just feel silly with come ons- how do you come on to your husbands/wives??!
    What do you say?
    What do you do? Etc.

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    NaughtyNerd [sign in to see picture]
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    Clublife, I know what you mean. It is something I am working on too.

    I am happier with the shape of my body but similar I am concerned about my weight in that I would be too heavy for certain things. I don't think that is subjective, im either heavy or not. The only variant is how strong my OH is.

    In turn of come ones, I started with lingerie and tell my OH to do certain things in bed. Not dirty talk as such but little things like asking him to bite my nipple. It gave me the assurance that he is up for them certain things so I have just gone from there.

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    captainmeow [sign in to see picture]
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    I think loads of people struggle with being confident about their bodies, I sometimes find myself there too. The things that really help me is the way my partner simply adores my body and that we're both really honest with each other. Perhaps allow yourself to accept his compliments when he gives them? I know it can be easier said than done, but if you know that he's always been honest with you, then you know you can trust him when he says he finds you attractive whatever your weight. :)

    In more specific situations e.g. when he asks you to sit on his face, you could perhaps ask him to let you know if it's too much for him? That way you won't be left worrying if it's uncomfortable for him because you will know if he tells you. And if he doesn't say anything, you can be sure he's enjoying himself too! Or just have him go down on you in a different position until you feel comfortable enough to try sitting on his face.

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    Irie [sign in to see picture]
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    Firstly congrats on the weight loss that is quite an achievement!

    It sounds to me from a few things you mentioned (ie sitting on hubby and the porn you mentioned) is that you are worried your weight will have an impact on things mid sexy time and that this is a concern of yours, would that be fair? I would mention these to your OH ave explain exactly why those things make you feel uncomfortable. His answer may help the way your feel or at the very least he will understand why you feel the way you do.

    Good luck!

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    VioletWolf [sign in to see picture]
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    I'm a big girl and I've felt similar in the past, and still do at times. The key for me was concentrating on how he sees me - in his eyes I'm beautiful the way I am. Him finding me attractive, and me believing him; it flipped a switch in my head. Now I feel small, and sexy and confident when I'm with him. He constantly reassures me and if I'm honest I do need that, I need to know that if I sit on his face I'm not going to suffocate him. As it is, he's in more danger of drowning 😏😏 ha! I'm so funny 😂 but he's strong enough to move me if he ever needed to, and it's not like I'm putting all my weight on him in any position, I do still support myself as well so think of that!
    Fingers crossed for you, hope you can give it a go! 😁😁

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    mysteron [sign in to see picture]
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    Irie wrote:

    Firstly congrats on the weight loss that is quite an achievement!

    It sounds to me from a few things you mentioned (ie sitting on hubby and the porn you mentioned) is that you are worried your weight will have an impact on things mid sexy time and that this is a concern of yours, would that be fair? I would mention these to your OH ave explain exactly why those things make you feel uncomfortable. His answer may help the way your feel or at the very least he will understand why you feel the way you do.

    Good luck!

    Adding on from above , I think you need to talk with each other as to what you both feel comfortable with at the moment. This of course can and will change over time as you gain more confidence. After losing weight myself it did take me sometime before I got confident in the bedroom again so I do empathise with you .Its strange that after losing all the weight and very big well done for that that the confidence doesnt come back straight away but I can share that experience as it did happen to me. But it will get better as your confidence increases .

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    Modo [sign in to see picture]
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    Try creating an alter ego, a seperate personality that only comes out in the bedroom. She can have all the bad atitude that you can not show.

    The more effort you put into her (name/look/personality), the easier she will come to you.

    The best thing is she does'nt give a damn what other people think. If this is what your Oh wants then make him think twice about suggesting it again. Give him hell girl.

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    Terri JJ [sign in to see picture]
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    Hmmm. Reading between the lines I'm not sure that your weight is the issue here. For example - How does your weight affect being able to talk dirty to him ? It dosent does it ?

    Download yourselves a sex survey, you can find these easily on line. Fill in one each..apart, not together. Then hand them to each other for a read. Then sit down and go through them with each other....this is the most important part. You both discuss each others wants, likes and dont likes...and the reasons behind them. Often once this is done in a way that seems to make it a very normal thing to do, and believe me it is, you'll hopefully find it a lot easier to express your concerns. Make sure you include things you'd like to do so that its not just a list of ' no not doing that'. I'm certain that once your oh completely understands your reasons behind being hesitant he'll understand and rearsure you.

    As for talking dirty to him....practice. It sounds daft but often its the fact that we're just not used to saying words like that, that holds us back. Practice alone. Get used to saying things that you know he would like then you'll find it much easier when it actually comes to it. Does he talk dirty to you during sex ? Its often easier to respond to dirty talk than initiate it.

    Hope you might find this helpful xx

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    Clublife [sign in to see picture]
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    Modo I do like the idea of an alter ego, I think I might try & do that. Thank you.

    I just hope I can pull it off & not feel silly xx

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    Tiger Dick [sign in to see picture]
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    The questionare here is pretty popular, http://mojoupgrade.com/

    The advice below from Terri JJ is for me pretty spot on, and I think you just need the conversation where you need to ask your OH's opinion about talking dirty to him. I'd say that he's probably fine with it, I'm sensing that you just need to hear it from him. TBH, I'd sayto him "does me talking dirty to him add anything for him and would he miss it if you stopped..."

    There is of course no right answer on this, only right one's for you, for me, I'd love my OH to be more actively doing this, but its not her thing and can live without it. The important thing for us is that we know that and are okay with it. I hope you can move forward with this and enjoy the freedom that confidence brings.

    Hmmm. Reading between the lines I'm not sure that your weight is the issue here. For example - How does your weight affect being able to talk dirty to him ? It dosent does it ?

    Download yourselves a sex survey, you can find these easily on line. Fill in one each..apart, not together. Then hand them to each other for a read. Then sit down and go through them with each other....this is the most important part. You both discuss each others wants, likes and dont likes...and the reasons behind them. Often once this is done in a way that seems to make it a very normal thing to do, and believe me it is, you'll hopefully find it a lot easier to express your concerns. Make sure you include things you'd like to do so that its not just a list of ' no not doing that'. I'm certain that once your oh completely understands your reasons behind being hesitant he'll understand and rearsure you.

    As for talking dirty to him....practice. It sounds daft but often its the fact that we're just not used to saying words like that, that holds us back. Practice alone. Get used to saying things that you know he would like then you'll find it much easier when it actually comes to it. Does he talk dirty to you during sex ? Its often easier to respond to dirty talk than initiate it.

    Hope you might find this helpful xx

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    Clublife [sign in to see picture]
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    Terri JJ I've never thought of talking dirty while by myself, seems like good practice.
    Hubs does talk dirty to me but not really with questions, more telling me I'm a dirty girl & telling me how he likes the feel of things.
    I'll definitely try practicing alone & hopefully will come up with afew phrases of my own. Thank you xxx

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    BiNick [sign in to see picture]
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    I definitely agree with Terri JJ when she suggests talking dirty alone at first, to practice. My partner sounds a little similar to your situation. She said she wanted to talk to me in that way but couldn't bring herself to say some words out loud, because she wasn't used to saying them. So she began saying certain words and sentences when she was alone, particularly when masturbating. It meant that if it didn't feel right to her speaking it then she didn't need to feel embarrassed because no one else heard. She won't keep quiet now in bed lol, but seriously... if it doesn't feel right to you then don't say anything. Sometimes just one look in to a partners eyes says a thousand words.

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    [suspended user]

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    Terri JJ is spot on.

    Its been my experience that most women think they are bigger than they actuay are. Many men prefer curves and the soft sensual feminine curves.

    Dirtytalk or txt is pure confidence I feel you need to bite the bullet just go for it then reap the rewards when your OH is thrilled by your efforts.

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