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  1. Pregnancy problem in relationship

    1488818100
    nutella [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant
    • Posts: 6
    • Joined: 10 Jul 2012

    I am 11 to 12 weeks pregnant and been feeling really really sick. As a result, I have been struggling to function most days and my husband has been great helping around the house. However, I have 2 problems:

    1) I just borrowed my husbands phone to go on Internet and found porn. I feel really sad that he has had to resort to this and possibly because I'm feeling so ugly in myself due to the way I feel, I'm hurt. I know he doesn't look at me sexually anymore so he looks at attractive skinny porn stars.

    2) on the odd occasion I have felt well enough, my orgasms have been rubbish since pregnancy. Have any women reading this experience the same?

    You possibly think I sound silly for being upset over porn and you'd possibly be right. Maybe I'm feeling fragile or hormonal!?! I don't know, just deflated and unattractive.

    1488819361
    lovingnewtoys [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 5024
    • Joined: 16 Jan 2016

    Firstly - congratulations on the pregnancy xx

    I have never been pregnant so am not going to pretend I know what it does to someone emotionally - however I can guess it will mess with your image of yourself. Obviously finding porn on his phone is not going to help those feelings - unfortunately I think you are going to have to approach him about it and tell him in no uncertain terms how it has made you feel. It maybe that he feels he can't approach you about sex because he knows you are not feeling 100% and that you feel differently about yourself, and he doesn't want to upset you. He probably still thinks you are the sexiest woman he knows, but us ladies have the nasty habit of not believing our men folk, so they stop trying eventually, then we get upset because they stop - its catch 22.

    I in no way think you are being silly - you have a lot of your pregnancy to go, and for all your sakes you cannot spend this time being unhappy.

    As for your second point - I really cannot help, but I am pretty sure there will be plenty here who can.

    Bottom line - you need to talk about it xxx

    Good luck xxx

    1488821545
    Sxleksaker [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 3588
    • Joined: 29 Feb 2016

    Maybe he's looking at the porn because he knows how ill you feel at the moment and therefore doesn't want to bother you by asking for sex. Instead he's taking care of it himself so you don't have to feel bad for turning him down? Just a thought, but he might actually be thoughtful of you in a way.

    1488822070
    Heidi920 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: General
    • Posts: 1153
    • Joined: 17 May 2011

    Hi Nutella (love the name!)

    Sorry you're feeling this way, as advised above I would just try and approach the subject with him, I know when I was pregnant with my first my husband found it really weird that there was something alive growing inside me and the idea of sex just didn't feel right to him, but in time he soon got over that!
    Also well done for even attempting sex when you feel so crappy.

    It is very common to have a lower sex drive and less intense orgasms while pregnant.
    From my own experiences I just wasn't interested up until 3 trimester when my sex drive went through the roof!

    Hang in there x

    1488822496
    Mizzchevi0us [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Brigadier
    • Posts: 13
    • Joined: 27 Jan 2016

    Hi Nutella

    Totally feeling for you as I'm 20 weeks now but I had a crappy first trimester too, I still have zero sex drive :-(

    I haven't found any porn on my hubbys phone but then I haven't looked, I don't think your been silly over how you feel as it will just be the hormones making you feel worse.

    Hang in there and hopefully will get better soon

    1488823675
    RosyCheek [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 2618
    • Joined: 11 Apr 2016

    Congratulations on the pregnancy! First things first, although you may feel fat and frumpy you are absolutely amazing as you are growing a tiny little human. It's no wonder you don't feel great as they are zapping your energy. The first trimester is the worst hormonally speaking, the rest is also hormonal but those first few months the littlest things are enough to really hurt.

    I have been in your situation before. You need to talk to him. Express your views, how it makes you feel. He may not realise how much you don't like it.

    1488827678
    matnem [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: General
    • Posts: 110
    • Joined: 29 Jun 2008
    Hi Nutella,
    Thought you may appreciate a boys point of view.
    Firstly, seriously congrats on pregnancy! My little one is now 9 months old, so its all pretty fresh in my mind.
    I want to comment on this, but first: Palmers pregnancy coca butter for your tummy and boobs and bum - seriously (also you will smell like a chocolate bar!). And Lanolin for your nipples (we used the Lansinoh brand) . BUY THESE NOW - trust me you will use them.
    I'm going to be brutally honest. If you don't want that then please feel free to skip my post.
    ----------
    Pregnancy (for most) is not the beautiful glowing experience that the sitcoms make you believe. There is A LOT going on with your body. In about 8 weeks time your boobs are going to be so sore that you will not want to touch them, let alone your SO. Your nipples are going to start leaking, and these are going to get sore. (Also your bits are going to leak). Your back is going to hurt, you are going to eat more (although the docs/antenatal/friends/magazine/everyone tells you that you don't need to - I promise you will). You are going to feel sick and nauseated. Your body is going to change. Oh yeah - and then you can't eat anything because the bump has taken over. You are going to be tired.....oh so tired.
    Your SO WILL be there to support you, but please let him. Tell him what you need, and have patience when he doesn’t get it right first time.
    Trust me, there will come a time when you become SUPER horny, but the sex is still awkward and uncomfortable and its still a struggle. Your SO WILL support you, no matter what.
    Guys need to come to be healthy. Actually you want him to be healthy for the next one ;) He knows full well that having a quick wank in the shower is the only way he’s going to get relief, and "porn" is not "OOOOH I really fancy that girl instead of my wife!" - its more "I need to get stimulated fast because I know that my wife could walk in on my anytime". I never think about the girls that I’ve seen in porn after a wank - I certainly don't think "Wow, I wish my wife skinny/attractive like this model".
    Best thing to do is to talk to him, and tell him how you feel. Let him know that you don’t have a problem with him wanking in the shower/on the toilet or whatever. Maybe buy him a magazine (so you can control what he looks at). I bought my SO a "glamour" photoshoot (read: naked photoshoot), which we got printed into a really nice glossy book. This made her feel super sexy (including the bump) and gave me something else to think about. (The guy/girl company that we went with a super professional, and have worked on the Pirelli calendar and other high street lingerie glossy PR things. They weren't too expensive, but they weren't cheap. If the LH mods can give me the go ahead I will post a link to their website).
    Now onto you. You are beautiful (I've never seen you - but I promise you are!). Do things to make you feel special. Buy some nice new knickers and bras (your body is going to start changing, so keep ahead of this and get yourself some new ones now, about 20 weeks and about 32 weeks). Your not supposed to be wearing underwired (at some point in your pregnancy onwards). Not many stores do REALLY nice pregnancy/feeding bras. Do some light exercise (trust me the LAST thing you are going to be thinking about is exercise, but it WILL make you feel better. Go for walks or if you belong to a gym speak to them and work out what exercises you CAN do.
    Right. Birth.
    Birth is not pretty (I'm so sorry). Its really going to make a mess of things, and sex is the LAST thing on your mind for a LONG time afterwards. For us my wife started healing about 10 to 12 weeks after birth and I think we started with actual sexy times after about 16 weeks. I still know guys from antenatal who still haven’t had sex, and also girls who are still struggling with damage to their bits 10 to 12 months after the birth of their little ones.
    If you do suffer - get to a GP. If you don't get the result you want from a GP, get to another GP. Throughout history girls have gotten pregnant after birth as soon as their bodies would let them. Its natural and normal to heal - and although there are real problems, there is a potential that it could be in your head. You will only know if you get to a GP, but pain (of any kind) after 10 weeks is not "normal".
    Your nips are going to be sore. Super sore. Get that lanolin on AFTER EVERY FEED. (You will be feeding every 20 mins night and day for at least a month or two). I don’t know any girl who’s had it easy breast feeding at the start. Everyone will give you different advice and everyone will tell you that the previous advice was wrong. Ignore them all - get to an NHS breast feeding specialist, and make sure you are healthy and then get to a breast feeding group (there will be loads around where you live) and please don't give up - its the best thing for your baby and its super easy to become disheartened. It WILL get better (right up until the LO gets his first teeth, and then it gets bad again).
    You ARE NOT GOING TO SLEEP.
    For the first two weeks, your little one will sleep, wake up, scream, feed and sleep. (this is a 30 min cycle, day or night). This is the easiest time of all, so make the most of it and get used to sleeping night or day between her feeds. Up to 3 months your little one isn’t going to know night from day, and will wake up and cry/scream/babble/kick throughout the night. At 5 to 6 months they will start to move/roll/commando crawl. At 7 to 8 months they will start to miss you when you leave the room. At 9 months (where I am now) they will be calling for you by name, pulling themselves up and falling down and bashing things (like their head) on the cot.
    You ARE NOT GOING TO SLEEP.
    Sex is going to be the last thing on your mind, and if you do get horny - chances are that sex is going to be the last thing on your SO's mind.
    You ARE NOT GOING TO SLEEP.
    If you do ever get to be in the mood together, chances are you are going to get stopped by the Little one, because you woke them up.
    This time with the little one is special. Your partner WILL know that. He WILL be frustrated, he WILL be tired, he WILL be needing release.
    Just keep talking to him, make sure you know how you guys are feeling as a couple. Do what you can to make him feel special and still important when you can, and he will return the love and support that you will need (and make you feel special too). He WILL need to have a wank in the toilet - keep talking to him and be as supportive as you can to his needs and tell him about your needs. Let him support you, and try not to get frustrated with him when he doesn’t get it right first time.
    Being sleep deprived is not great. it makes the world seem dark and scary. The outlook is soo much brighter after a good nights sleep. We take it in turns (when we are super down) to have a good night (with ear plugs) in the spare room. I can feed the little one with expressed milk for a couple nights (basically until he realises that he not getting boob) which will give my partner a night or two off, and she will do the same for me.
    We're 9 months in. Its not easy. There are times when I want to scream, but that’s fixed when I go home from work and he runs to me (in his walker) with his arms outstretched for a cuddle. Its tough. Its really hard, but its awesome, and its rewarding and I feel closer to my partner now than I did before (in a weird way).
    Just keep talking to him. (and sleep when you can - the sleep is important).
    1488827769
    wildflower [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi there Nutella,

    I can honestly really sympathise with you as I too spent most of the first 14 weeks of my 3 pregnancies with my head over the toilet ! And sex was the last thing on my mind .

    Your body is dealing with a major hormonal upheaval at the moment and you'll probably find yourself getting upset over stuff that wouldn't have bothered you too much before . As regards the porn your hubby has probably only looked at it for some self relief as he realises maybe that your sex drive is a little low and you're not feeling great so doesn't want to hassle you for sex all the time and make you feel bad about saying you don't feel like it. I doubt very much that it's because he doesn't fancy you anymore or wants to look at porn stars , he just needs that visual stimulation to relieve himself.

    It's not easy to feel attractive when you're feeling or being sick all the time but these feelings of unattractiveness will pass and once your sex drive comes back he won't know whats hit him ! I remember mine came back at about 20 weeks and my horniness levels were through the roof !

    As regards orgasms feeling different ....I reckon that's normal for lots of women , mine were less intense and felt slightly different in way I can't explain .

    And lastly you're not silly to be upset about all this , maybe a little chat with your OH just for some reassurrance would be a good idea .

    Good luck and congrats on your pregnancy x

    1488835377
    nutella [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant
    • Posts: 6
    • Joined: 10 Jul 2012

    Thank you all for your kind and very helpful replies. I think your right that I need to chat to him about it. I was just worried that I may push him into really trying to hide it from me as the fact it was clearly on his phone, he currently isn't trying to hide it from me. I feel kind of like a hypocrite as I have always been open that I don't mind him watching it and I have watched it in the past. But it must be the situation that upsets me. Maybe because he is MORE into it now than he ever has been and like you say, it is possibly to give me peace when I'm feeling bad.

    Matnem: great advice there. I will be sure to visit it to refresh myself often. Do you know what? I think I will treat myself to some nice lingerie and make myself feel better. My sickness should start easing soon so I hope he will enjoy my new purchases in the near future. I do feel like I'm neglecting him a bit. That glamour photoshoot sounds great. He would love that! I hope to get my confidence back up to do it when my bump is growing.

    I often read posts on here as the advice is great. Again it has been very useful for me to come here. Thank you

    1488856530
    Tony McA [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Colonel
    • Posts: 78
    • Joined: 4 Feb 2017

    Hi Nutella!

    Mrs. McA here. I had such difficult pregnancies with both our kids that we pretty much didn't have sex for the duration of them(once or twice, but it was painful). I felt pretty awful about it and coupled with how I was feeling about my body and the morning sickness, it was an emotional time for sure. And it's totally normal, it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you or the relationship. You are always allowed to feel how you feel. I second what others have said, just talk to him about it. Don't make it out like he's done something wrong, just let him know you're feeling vulnerable and self-conscious and need some reassurance.

    Congratulations on your pregnancy!

    1488875150
    Boogaloo [sign in to see picture]
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    • Joined: 22 Apr 2014

    My orgasms were rubbish throughout my entire pregnancy, I used to think something was wrong as so many women say pregnancy orgasms are the best. I found that I was extra sensitive so I would climax incredibly quickly, and it wouldn't feel as strong as before. I also found the contractions uncomfortable and strange too. We actually didn't have sex throughout the entire pregnancy, and not until 6.5 months postpartum. It was the furthest thing from my mind, and I was too worried about something going wrong as I'd previously miscarried after sex. Not to mention I had sickness the entire way though and SPD from 18 weeks!

    It's a totally normal and nothing to feel guilty about. We found other ways to be intimate, such as sensual massages or oral if I was up for it.

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    naughty stacey [sign in to see picture]
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    • Joined: 28 Aug 2012

    Maybe he's looking at porn because porn is wonderful?

    My hubby sometimes leaves porn where I wll find it to let me know what he is thinking about, perhaps your man is trying to let you know that he is still keen, just giving you some space.

    Imagine if he absolutely lost interest in sex during this phase, you might take that to be your fault because of (insert current negative self talk here). So he leaves it out for you to see he is still full of batteries and ready for you to pick back up when you are ready.

    1488886553
    matnem [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: General
    • Posts: 110
    • Joined: 29 Jun 2008

    Nutella,

    My pleasure. Try and enjoy this time as much as you can, and you will very quickly forget all the unenjoyable stuff.

    I didn't know this (boy), but M&S do a free bra fitting service and they were super helpful with my wife when she was pregnant. Although they kinda expect you to buy stuff from them, I don't think we bought much or anything at all. Every store only has like 1 or 2 "nice" pregnancy/feeding bra sets. M&S do post surgery bras which were nice too

    My wife went from a 32B to a 36DD (at 38weeks) and is now something like a 34C. So dont opt for feeding bras just yet because you're likely to change quite a lot in your final weeks!

    Just going to put these here ;)

    https://www.lovehoney.co.uk/product.cfm?p=32836&reviewid=125217#customer_reviews
    https://www.lovehoney.co.uk/product.cfm?p=32838&reviewid=125211#customer_reviews

    Have fun, its awesome!

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