• My Wife Wants a Boyfriend!

    1488578296
    luvved up cupple [sign in to see picture]
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    First of all, hi, sorry for neglecting you lot somewhat but, this year thus far has been testing to say the least however, we are getting through things, working it all out and talking, like adults about any issues etc.

    So, around a year ago I made the suggestion of swinging due in part to a lop sided sex life, inshort I wasn't getting much attention in the sack it would mainly be my wife being restrained, me oing down on her, teasing her and using toys on her while I got "my bit" towards the end.

    A trip round the internet bought up a forum on another site where a guy was having similar issues, it was about 10-12 pages long and 3 or 4 years old, I read the lot and, on about page 7 or 8 swinging was suggested because, in the words of the poster as far as I remeber, it gives both parties the chance to get what they want.

    I though about this and suggsted it, got a (playful) slap and the idea shot down. I had expected that but, at least I had asked. Fast forward a few months and a few bi curiosities crept in and, we did dip our toes (and only our toes) into the world of swinging and swapping, an eye opening experience but, we sensebly stopped before we did too much damage.

    A rocky Xmas / New Year and we seem to be geting things sorted but, Mrs LUC - due in part i feel for falling for a work collegue she confided in whilst we were having problems bought up the possibilities of a polyonomus (sp) relationship.

    I'll be honest. I'm not over impressed - she knows but, at the same time I don't know too much about it, she says she wants the possibility to see another chap for social dates, no overnights, sexual encounters but, my question is why? She's unsure. Now, she goes out with her friends, cinema, wild girls party weekends, spas and the like. I have no problem with that. I wouldnt have an isue with her going to say the cinema with a male friend of ours if thy both wanted to see a film I didn't or, as has happened on occations going for a quick meal / drink if our kids are atthe same event and coming home before going back to collect them is a waste of time as you'd be turning straight around again.

    Sorry if this is a bit of a ramble, as you may tell I'm a bit confused, I've got a link to a site to give mesomething to read up on but at the mo its all just words on a page and nothing's going in if that makes sense.

    Now, I know I instigated swinging, I expect someone will mention this but, it was a joint desicision for us to go in the end. The main reason we stopped was her quote "I don't want to share you with anyone else". I mentioned this to her, she has said *if* this goes ahead she would consider me visiting clubs on my own if I wished to get anything else citing she'd be more comfortable not seeing me doing anything to other people.

    Again I'm confused. Wondered if anyone could give any advice on this but, in the meantime, I have a lot of reading to do...

    1488581233
    lovingnewtoys [sign in to see picture]
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    I'll admit I was shocked when I read this so goodness only knows what you are feeling at the moment.

    I am going to offer a reply, but obviously I don't the whole story from both sides, so if I say anything that either upsets or angers you, please know I offer this reply with absolutely no intention of insulting or hurting you.

    So here goes -

    I know you say you suggested the idea of swinging and you 'dipped your toes', but it was together you decided against going too far which in itself suggests to me this is not necessarily an entirely sexual issue.

    You say Mrs LUC 'fell' for a work colleague who she confided in. This tells me that it is the emotional connection and comfort she is seeking rather than sex. She may possibly put the two together, as many people do, in fact I think it is a fact that you should be emotionally connected to someone to enjoy good, meaningful sex. It sounds like she has received some male attention from someone other than yourself, which may be the first time since you got together (obviously I don't know) and she has found this very flattering - who wouldn't? However, due to the issues you were experiencing around Christmas she may have read it as something else.

    I would be very worried of her having a 'boyfriend' if she can 'fall' for someone so easily - I sincerely don't think she would be able to seperate the two things.

    To me it seems she is craving emotional attention, the excitement of being found attractive by another man, the feeling of being a desirable woman - these things can all get lost somewhere in a long term relationship/marriage.

    I am probably way off the mark - but I had to offer you something even if it's just food for thought.

    I am still fighting your corner with you both and hope this can be mended xxxx

    1488583241
    LadyS [sign in to see picture]
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    Okay, not sure where to begin with this. So I'll start with me, I decided to open myself up to being polyamorous about 2.5 years ago, after leaving my marriage which was very monogamous. In that 2.5 years, I've read so many resources on Poly, and discussed it with fellow Poly peeps A LOT! Myself and my partner both identify as poly, but currently have no other partners.

    In those 2.5 years I have had so many poly wobbles and I have witness poly friends have many poly wobbles too. It can be a really rewardning way of life, however it is also really hard, and all parties involved need to be 100% willing to live the poly life.

    Some of the resources I have found invaluable are a podcast called polyamory weekly, their website is polyweekly.com, which also has great articles and leads to other resources on.

    Also www.morethantwo.com, which also has a great book to go with it. Another great poly book is The Ethical Slut. And another fab blog and my current favourite is https://poly.land/.

    What I would say is that your wife saying she will 'consider' your going to clubs alone if she is allowed to explore things with this other gent, is really not how most people I know practice polyamory. While it isn't always perfectly balanced, each coupld should have as much opportunity as the other to explore new connections.

    Their is also a big difference between swinging and polyamory. So the fact you instigated trying swinging is not an indicator poly is for either of you. Their is also a difference between open relationships and polyamory. Non-monogamy spans a very broad spectrum, finding out where you wife wants to fall on that could be a really important first conversation.

    Anyone who practices non-monogamy sucessfully though does so after a lot of communication, you will need to talk and talk and talk and talk before you can even begin to decide if this is for you.

    You ask why your wife would want this. Only she can answer that question. We all embrace this lifestyle for different reasons.

    Sorry if this is a massive essay of information, I just wanted to offer as much insight as I could.

    Good luck, and I hope you both find a resolution to your feelings soon xxx

    1488583830
    Eager-2-Please [sign in to see picture]
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    Two books I consistently hear good things about for exploring this is More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory (by Franklin Veaux) and The Ethical Slut: A Roadmap for Relationship Pioneers (by Dossie Easton).

    You may also consider Opening Up: Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships (by Tristan Taormino), Mating in Captivity (by Esther Perel) and Sex at Dawn: How We Mate, Why We Stray, and What it Means for Modern Relationships (by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jetha).

    Try the r/polyamory and r/nonmonogamy subreddits, too.

    If you're serious about giving this a shot, it's something you need to do together. Research, research, research. Communication, communication, communication. Openess, honesty. Trust - complete and total. You need a solid foundation to build this playhouse, otherwise it'll almost certainly go badly sooner or later. Don't use swinging or opening up your relationship as a band-aid or a quick fix, you need to be in a good, stable position, and you need to be on the same page in terms of your feelings, wants, needs, etc.

    Good luck!

    1488592363
    SparklingKink [sign in to see picture]
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    LadyS and Eader-2-Please have given excellent advice, so I want bother going into detail about the points they have already covered. I'll highlight that if you do decide to open up your relationship then you BOTH need to be comfortable with it, and that none of us can tell you why your wife wants to be poly, only your wife can, so it is essential that you honestly communicate with one another. Those two things are really important to remember.

    Now for something a bit more negative, I'm afraid. I don't think polyamory is right for you two, from what you have said. Of course I can't say for certain, that's something you have to figure out yourselves as a couple, but there are several red alarms littered throughout your post.

    "It gives both parties the chance to get what they want."

    Polyamory should not be considered a solution to sexual incompatibility. Allowing each other to have romantic and sexual relations with other people isn't going to fix the fact you're not enjoying sex with one another as much as you feel you should be. Usually if you're considering polyamory as a solution to a problem in a previously monogamous relationship, opening up that relationship only makes things worse. The exception to this is when the issue is that being monogamous feels unnatural and imprisoning to one of the member's of the relationship. That doesn't seem to be the case with you. Your problem seems to be that both of you feel the other is in some way falling short romantically and/or sexually. Letting other people fill those shortcoming's isn't a solution, it won't bring you closer together as a couple or feel like you're getting what you want from each other. Perhaps if you feel you have fully solved any current relationship issue then you can venture into polyamory. If things are still rocky then stay away from polyamory, it'll just add jealousy and confusion into the mix.

    "She says she wants the possibility to see another chap for social dates, no overnights, sexual encounters"

    The red alarm here is that your wife doesn't seem to understand that nobody can control how their feelings for another person in a relationship are going to develop. Sure, she may truly only want someone for social dates right now, but she doesn't seem to be considering that at some point she may end up wanting more. That's not to say she will, or is even likely to, I'm just pointing out that when you grow closer to someone your desires can change in unexpected ways. You both need to consider how you would feel if she ended up wanting sexual relations with another men, because if she's going on dates with another man that could happen.

    "I don't want to share you with anyone else"

    "She'd be more comfortable not seeing me doing anything to other people."

    Never ever open up your relationship if you don't want to see your partner with other people. It doesn't matter how much you try to keep your other relationships a secret from one another, it will end up causing jealousy and resentment. Neither of you seem comfortable with the idea of the other having romantic or sexual relationships with other people- those feelings of discomfort will only grow stronger if that idea becomes a reality. Listen to your feelings. Seriously, listen to your feelings, and honestly share them with one another. Understanding your own and your partner's feelings is crucial to determining what is best for you as a couple. That's why you're a couple, to bring positive feelings to one another. So don't just ignore any negative feelings or concerns, it'll get in the way of you bringing happiness to one another.

    Do you want to know why I'm polyamorous? I love being able to explore what it's like to romantically love different people, being able to experience all the unique joys of each relationship. I also enjoy seeing other people make my partners happy, it warms my heart to know there is someone else caring for and protecting them. There are wonderful reasons to be poly, so don't feel like being polyamorous is inherently wrong. But realise that for some couples polyamory is wrong, because it doesn't suit their indvidual needs, it can even go against your needs. Please seriously and honestly discuss your feelings with one another so you can figure out what it is you want/need as a couple.

    1488595391
    Jezebella [sign in to see picture]
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    You've had so much excellent advise already.
    All I will say is poly relationships only work if all parties are on board, limits and boundaries have been discussed and they are kept to. Not everyone is suited to a poly lifestyle, and that is completely okay.
    It's likely your wife has brought up this possibility because she has feelings for another person and is still in love with you. The question you have to ask yourself is are you willing to let her explore a second relationship and if so, what are your limits and boundaries regarding this? (For example, me and my husband have strict rules about the amount of information we want to hear about another partner). If you make it clear you are not okay with her having another relationship in any circumstances you risk her seeing him in secret or your marriage breaking down. I want to make it clear these are risks not certainties though. Talking to each other openly and honestly is always the best path to try and prevent things like that happening and it seems like you are doing that.

    One thing you should consider is the bravery it must have taken for your wife to talk about this openly with you, and to suggest polyamory as a solution. Many people would have just had an affair that they kept secret, which in my opinion is much worse. The fact that she didn't shows how much she loves and respects you, which are what you need to build a poly lifestyle.

    I can't imagine how this has made you feel, and I hope you can talk to your wife and find a happy and healthy solution. I was lucky enough to enter in a poly relationship that I knew would be poly from the get go, I cannot imagine the stress of navigating starting one mid-marriage. If you'd like to know more about my personal experience I wrote a blog post on it before I got married:
    https://missjezebella.com/2016/10/06/polyamory-and-marriage-what-it-means-to-me/

    I wish you the best of luck, whatever you and your wife decide to do.

    1488628271
    luvved up cupple [sign in to see picture]
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    Thanks all, it's still a bit to take in at the mo. Without sounding all judgey it does all seem a bit weird at the moment.

    I've got a lot of reading to do, try and get my head around the whole mechanics of the situation and then go on from there.

    Thank you all again x.

    1488633453
    lmh95 [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi LUC

    I've no experience of open relationships or polyamory etc. I'm far too insecure and sensitive to cope with the feelings of jealousy I would feel to ever consider adding anyone extra to our relationship. I'd be too scared my OH liked them more than me and left me to be with them.

    I just wanted to say that you mentioned she goes out with her friends a lot on her own which is great that she has a good social life. You said what she is looking for is a male to go on dates with. Could you be that male? Do you get the chance to go out much together now as a couple? Could she spend less time with her friends and more quality time with you?

    I know that it is hard when you have kids and often we end up going out seperately rather than together as it seems easier but could you get babysitters now and again so that you can go out as a couple and do fun things together and reconnect again that way?

    Hope this helps x

    1488633801
    lmh95 [sign in to see picture]
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    There is a book that may be worth you both reading:

    I love you but I'm not in love with you - Seven steps to saving your relationship by Andrew G Marshall

    1488660199
    mr very good [sign in to see picture]
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    I came to an agreement with my wife a long time ago, when I wanted to go with other women, and with one woman in particular.

    The agreement was that if I had other women then she could have other men.

    I must tell you such agreements can backfire. At the time I believed it would work to my advantage, not to hers, but the opposite has happened really.

    She had let herself go over the years and was showing her age, and I didn't think other men would be interested in her.

    Then over a short period she started a social life wherein she collected men like some people collect stamps. She developed a taste for promiscuity, and for young men half her age, and good-looking ones too, whom she had no difficulty in "collecting."

    In the meantime I did start going with another woman, but that relationship has come to an end.

    In recent times, since she started dating and sleeping with other men, my wife has taken care with her appearance to such an extent, dressing well and sexily, that she now looks even more fantastic than she did when I first met her nearly 30 years ago, and my interest in her has been renewed.

    She drives me crazy, having grown her hair very long, and she wears close-fitting, tightly belted outfits and skirts, and high heels.

    Recently she has become involved with one man exclusively, so unfortunately I have had my nose pushed out completely. He comes to the house and stays here most of the time, and I am not allowed to sleep with her or do anything intimate with her, although I desperately want to. She has forbidden it, and he has warned me off.

    She is my wife, but she is his woman.

    So be careful about being "swingers." It may be good in the short term, but bad in the long term.

    1488663158
    smirnoff09 [sign in to see picture]
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    I know nothing about poly relationships but I do agree it seems your wife is looking for an emotional atachement which I often the foundation for many relationships.

    I noticed you appeared to refer to you doing lots for your wife and getting you bit at the end sexually...

    Do you feel your emotional connection with each other is as strong as it could be? Is there any way you could increase it if not?

    I know in my relationships it has been the lack of emotional connection that result in the lack of sexual connection and in the end destroyed the whole relationship.

    Mr very good it sounds like a nightmare for you..I know I could never be in any sort of poly relationship as I would end up feeling rejected and looking to what I was doing wrong for my husband to need another woman.

    1488669010
    RosyCheek [sign in to see picture]
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    LUC, are you still going to Relate? If so it would be helpful to bring it up with your counselor. Having someone completely impartial can be helpful in this situation.

    Many years back myself and my husband attempted a threesome, I was ok with it but as soon as he unbuttoned her top I lost it, became upset and she left. He understood and we pretended it never happened until recently. He brought up threesomes, swapping etc and it hurt. I'm not emotionally capable of having others involved in our relationship.

    His issue is mainly his mild resentment towards my previous partners. I slept with a lot of men, couple of girls too, whilst I am pretty much his only ever. He feels he has missed out in a way.

    Express your views. Don't force yourself into something you aren't comfortable with. We used our counselling session to go through the pros and cons. For us there was only cons.

    1488670439
    Eager-2-Please [sign in to see picture]
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    mr very good wrote:

    Recently she has become involved with one man exclusively, so unfortunately I have had my nose pushed out completely. He comes to the house and stays here most of the time, and I am not allowed to sleep with her or do anything intimate with her, although I desperately want to. She has forbidden it, and he has warned me off.

    She is my wife, but she is his woman.

    This isn't swinging or a poly relationship. It's an abusive one. This was never a part of your agreement (going by what you've said). You've been cuckolded, but not in a good way because it's your fetish, in a bad way that boils down to abuse.

    I'm sorry, but at this point it seems like you should leave your wife. For her to treat you this way makes it unlikely that she loves or respects you anymore.

    1488713823
    mr very good [sign in to see picture]
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    reply to Eager-2-Please

    Fortunately, I get a thrill from being humiliated, and I masturbate while listening to them making love.

    They have started letting me watch them now.

    They asked me if I would like a ringside seat, and my reply was "yes, but how are you going to stop me joining in?Are you going to tie me to the headboard ?"

    And that is exactly what they do now, tying me to the headboard so I can't move. They must know I like humiliation, because they treat me just like a servant. I have to give up the sofa for him or for them when watching TV, etcetera, and I have to get him drinks and serve him drinks whenevr he orders me to, and generally wait on him, etcetera. He is very much he master of the house.

    I don't know what she saw in him in the first place though, with his beer belly, and bald head.She says that's a sign of virility, masculinity. And I think she likes the grey hairs on his chest.

    1488714424
    mysteron [sign in to see picture]
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    You have been given some excellent advice on here son I have nothing further I could add. If I am reading the situation right you have now come to a cross roads. Turn left you accept the situation, Turn right then you have some issues to sort.

    The only advice I could give is don,t rush into a decision as there is clearly plenty at stake. Weigh everything up carefully and take your time .

    I had a similar situation a long time ago and I am not sure that I made the right decision but I wasn't as experienced or knowledgeable about sex and relationships at that time of which you are now and with the assistance of many knowledgeable people on here.

    Good luck mate .

    1488729538
    Eager-2-Please [sign in to see picture]
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    mr very good wrote:

    reply to Eager-2-Please

    Fortunately, I get a thrill from being humiliated, and I masturbate while listening to them making love.

    They have started letting me watch them now.

    They asked me if I would like a ringside seat, and my reply was "yes, but how are you going to stop me joining in?Are you going to tie me to the headboard ?"

    And that is exactly what they do now, tying me to the headboard so I can't move. They must know I like humiliation, because they treat me just like a servant. I have to give up the sofa for him or for them when watching TV, etcetera, and I have to get him drinks and serve him drinks whenevr he orders me to, and generally wait on him, etcetera. He is very much he master of the house.

    I don't know what she saw in him in the first place though, with his beer belly, and bald head.She says that's a sign of virility, masculinity. And I think she likes the grey hairs on his chest.

    Ah. Well that's entirely different, then, and wasn't apparent from your initial post. I would certainly hope that they are knowingly fulfilling your desires as well as their own. Otherwise, again, it makes them not very nice people, in my opinion, if they're just doing it with no regards for you.

    1488730325
    LadyS [sign in to see picture]
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    mr very good wrote:

    reply to Eager-2-Please

    Fortunately, I get a thrill from being humiliated, and I masturbate while listening to them making love.

    They have started letting me watch them now.

    They asked me if I would like a ringside seat, and my reply was "yes, but how are you going to stop me joining in?Are you going to tie me to the headboard ?"

    And that is exactly what they do now, tying me to the headboard so I can't move. They must know I like humiliation, because they treat me just like a servant. I have to give up the sofa for him or for them when watching TV, etcetera, and I have to get him drinks and serve him drinks whenevr he orders me to, and generally wait on him, etcetera. He is very much he master of the house.

    I don't know what she saw in him in the first place though, with his beer belly, and bald head.She says that's a sign of virility, masculinity. And I think she likes the grey hairs on his chest.

    I just want to say that I'm not entirely sure this information is helpful to the original post. This is what is commonly referred to as cuckoldng, and is verym very different from polyamory and/or open relationships. While it is actually really popular and quite common on the kink scene, this is not how most poly relationships end up, or is it of any interest to many people.

    I would hate for anyone who is poly curious or even not remotely into it but wiling to learn more about it to think that this is how it all ends up.

    Especially when so far the advice from both poly folk and monogamous folk has been really balanced.

    1488730645
    lovingnewtoys [sign in to see picture]
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    LadyS wrote:

    mr very good wrote:

    reply to Eager-2-Please

    Fortunately, I get a thrill from being humiliated, and I masturbate while listening to them making love.

    They have started letting me watch them now.

    They asked me if I would like a ringside seat, and my reply was "yes, but how are you going to stop me joining in?Are you going to tie me to the headboard ?"

    And that is exactly what they do now, tying me to the headboard so I can't move. They must know I like humiliation, because they treat me just like a servant. I have to give up the sofa for him or for them when watching TV, etcetera, and I have to get him drinks and serve him drinks whenevr he orders me to, and generally wait on him, etcetera. He is very much he master of the house.

    I don't know what she saw in him in the first place though, with his beer belly, and bald head.She says that's a sign of virility, masculinity. And I think she likes the grey hairs on his chest.

    I just want to say that I'm not entirely sure this information is helpful to the original post. This is what is commonly referred to as cuckoldng, and is verym very different from polyamory and/or open relationships. While it is actually really popular and quite common on the kink scene, this is not how most poly relationships end up, or is it of any interest to many people.

    I would hate for anyone who is poly curious or even not remotely into it but wiling to learn more about it to think that this is how it all ends up.

    Especially when so far the advice from both poly folk and monogamous folk has been really balanced.

    +1 ^^^^^^

    1488730822
    kittencub [sign in to see picture]
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    Eager-2-Please wrote:

    mr very good wrote:

    reply to Eager-2-Please

    Fortunately, I get a thrill from being humiliated, and I masturbate while listening to them making love.

    They have started letting me watch them now.

    They asked me if I would like a ringside seat, and my reply was "yes, but how are you going to stop me joining in?Are you going to tie me to the headboard ?"

    And that is exactly what they do now, tying me to the headboard so I can't move. They must know I like humiliation, because they treat me just like a servant. I have to give up the sofa for him or for them when watching TV, etcetera, and I have to get him drinks and serve him drinks whenevr he orders me to, and generally wait on him, etcetera. He is very much he master of the house.

    I don't know what she saw in him in the first place though, with his beer belly, and bald head.She says that's a sign of virility, masculinity. And I think she likes the grey hairs on his chest.

    Ah. Well that's entirely different, then, and wasn't apparent from your initial post. I would certainly hope that they are knowingly fulfilling your desires as well as their own. Otherwise, again, it makes them not very nice people, in my opinion, if they're just doing it with no regards for you.

    Look at Mr v goods post about male prostitute, pot calling kettle black or troll I think.

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