• Emotive connection

    1486932223
    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    Hey guys,

    I've come to the conclusion that I need to feel an emotive connection with my partner to be comfortable and want sex. It sounds pretty basic but we've got to a point where we're kind of distant from each other because it's emotionnally easier this way, and it's really hard to get back closer.

    I am trying to get us to have moments when we feel connected and intimate, but my bf barely feels any emotions in general, so it's pretty hard for us to be intimate. Plus, since I fear intimacy, I can't get intimate if I don't feel him being emotionnally there.

    So we're trying to teach him to be in touch with his emotions. Do you have any tips that could help?

    Also, I'm thinking maybe trying tantric sex could help. What do you think? Do you have any tips on that too? or any book recommendations etc?

    Any help would really be appreciated

    Thanks

    1486933513

    [suspended user]

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    Spot on Mamz, I'd suggest you look at the tantric teachings. Also try a bathing and massaging each other but without sex being the end goal. The giving of pleasure to another without the expectation of anything in return is very bonding.

    1486933933
    captainmeow [sign in to see picture]
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    Emotions are a bit of a toughie aren't they :/ I came across this article (https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2015/11/how-to-get-better-at-expressing-emotions/416493/) that's in interview style and kinda long, but seems based on decent research.

    I'll start by saying I am quite apathetic. It varies with circumstance obviously. It's not that I don't care per se about the person in front of me, it's more that I'm a head-over-heart person. If it makes sense, can be rationalised, then it's the best course of action. Emotions, to me, can be separated when needed to and should not be involved in decision-making.

    But I've also realised that most people don't function the way I do, and emotions are key for many, so I adapt to see things from their perspective. And from that POV I think it's great that your partner is on board! It will take some time though, took me a few years to become relatively comfortable with feelings, but YMMV. I found journalling to have been a good way at reflecting over my day/week/whatever and mulling over the things that happened, social interactions, etc. And the reflections in turn helped me figure out why I reacted in certain ways, what emotions I might have felt (or none!) and how to better communicate my internal thought processes and feelings to other people.

    I was thinking doing things like the 36 questions (https://www.nytimes.com/2015/01/11/fashion/no-37-big-wedding-or-small.html?_r=0) might help open things up too? Idk I haven't personally tried that. Not sure about tantric sex either unfortunately!

    1486936733
    lmh95 [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi there mamz

    I know exactly what you mean about needing the emotional connection to want intimacy too.

    After we had kids we drifted apart and our sex-life was non-existent for a while. What helped us reconnect again was bringing it back to basics just like when we first started dating again and being generally more
    touchy-feely with each other on a daily basis with hugs and hand-holding, a peck on the cheek which led to proper kissing again and spending quality time together outside the bedroom, talking, laughing and showing an interest in each others lives outside of our relationship once more and gradually over time as I felt more wanted and loved again we naturally moved onto being intimate and having intercourse.

    I once read an article a long time ago that said :
    " Women need to feel loved to want to have sex and men need to have sex to feel loved" which is maybe considered old- fashioned these days but certainly rung true for my own relationship.

    The massage and bathing together sounds a great idea to get used to being touched again and comfortable with each other without it leading to sex.

    Sorry I have no experience of tantric sex at all.

    My OH is a tough one to read too. He's a very black and white and "get on with it" type of person. When he is a bit quiet because I'm very sensitive to other people's moods and quite insecure - especially at certain times of the month -I often think something is wrong when there isn't. Talking to him about how I'm feeling instead of worrying reassures me that all is well.

    Take care x

    1486937254
    Modo [sign in to see picture]
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    captainmeow wrote:

    Emotions are a bit of a toughie aren't they :/ I came across this article (https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2015/11/how-to-get-better-at-expressing-emotions/416493/) that's in interview style and kinda long, but seems based on decent research.

    I'll start by saying I am quite apathetic. It varies with circumstance obviously. It's not that I don't care per se about the person in front of me, it's more that I'm a head-over-heart person. If it makes sense, can be rationalised, then it's the best course of action. Emotions, to me, can be separated when needed to and should not be involved in decision-making.

    But I've also realised that most people don't function the way I do, and emotions are key for many, so I adapt to see things from their perspective. And from that POV I think it's great that your partner is on board! It will take some time though, took me a few years to become relatively comfortable with feelings, but YMMV. I found journalling to have been a good way at reflecting over my day/week/whatever and mulling over the things that happened, social interactions, etc. And the reflections in turn helped me figure out why I reacted in certain ways, what emotions I might have felt (or none!) and how to better communicate my internal thought processes and feelings to other people.

    I was thinking doing things like the 36 questions (https://www.nytimes.com/2015/01/11/fashion/no-37-big-wedding-or-small.html?_r=0) might help open things up too? Idk I haven't personally tried that. Not sure about tantric sex either unfortunately!

    You are not alone.

    I to think along similar lines and have done for as long as I can remember (much to my oh's frustration). I came to the conclusion that it was a way of protecting myself against destructive emotions.

    Many years later the emotions are mostly under control but keep me away from weepy films.

    It is easier to project the emotions that are expected than to experience them first hand but those close to you can see through that.

    These days I am frequently called a big baby because I tear up to easily. On the other hand it is still possible to shut the emotions down when I feel it neccessary.

    Given enough time I think humanity will evolve to be less emotional but we are a long way from that.

    1486938474
    captainmeow [sign in to see picture]
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    Modo: I don't think emotions are a bad thing tho! I think it's just a variation in the way people function. The world needs a balance, after all.

    1486941922
    ToGildALily [sign in to see picture]
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    It can be tough. While emotions are something that people say shouldn't be involved in the situation I am in in a fwb relationship, this guy is my friend first and foremost so of course I have some emotional connection to him as I'm not a robot and also because it's not for anybody to dictate how I should or shouldn't feel as they aren't in my place. So emotions happen, it just depends upon how you deal with them.

    To start it might be worth thinking a bit about why you fear intimacy the way you do. I used to fear it as I was afraid of getting hurt as in the past I have had some really bad relationships. I decided then that I shouldn't let that fear from the past affect any future relationships as it's the bad exes still having an effect on my life.

    I agree with Gentle giant that massage is a great way to bond and connect and also a great way to be intimate without sex being on the cards. It's also a great way to really explore them too. I recommend this book
    http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/product.cfm?p=23779 and while not all sections or suggestions are quite to my taste, it does have a lot that is useful in a non-sexual massage as well as the erotic side to it. I suggest a foot or hand and forearm massage with some nice oil while he's watching TV or a film as a good place to start for just bonding. Maybe getting him in a more relaxed and comfortable state will help him?

    1486946759
    Shakti [sign in to see picture]
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    It's a tough situation and I really empathize with you having been there myself.

    I would recommend tantra any day, though not really a quick fix solution, it's more a path of self discovery, energy work and systematic training to become more conscious and open to life. There is a lot of knowledge on how to get a more profound connection with yourself and others, which of course doesn't come without a lot of courage to look inside, because the thing about emotions is that it can be extremely unpleasant, uncomfortable, painful and ugly to look at what is blocking you in one way or another and it can seem so much easier to just not go there, instinctively avoiding that initial pain. If you both want a deeper emotional intimacy you can slowly enter into that vulnerable space together and discover the richness it brings.

    Many men also require 'foreplay' to talk about emotions, which is where the needs of women and men clash a bit. Women generally liking the emotional connection before making love and men being more open emotionally after the fact. For some men, a woman wanting to talk about emotions NOW feels to him like it would to her a man wanting to go in dry, so to speak.

    A good introduction to erotic tantra are Diana Richardsons books on tantric orgasm for women/tantric sex for men/the heart of tantric sex. And also books by Margot Anand.

    I wholeheartedly recommend tantra massage for healing intimacy issues, either going to a genuine and professional tantra masseur or learning how to give each other tantra massage. Tantra massage can be sensual/erotic, but it is very much about conscious touch and relaxation, love, intimacy and connection, getting in touch with your body and emotions.
    But please please read reviews and study the place/person you go to if you want to receive a professional tantra massage, as nowadays anyone can call themselves tantra masseur and write pretty words on a website.

    Giving each other massage is also a kind of communication without words (it is said that touch is the language of the heart) and can easily create a deep feeling of intimacy when done correctly. Maybe there's a place offering classes our Art of Touch workshops near you? It's not easy to learn from a book, but I still do recommend a book called Tao of Tantric massage and Yoni Massage (Michaela Riedl).

    Good luck and lots of hugs!

    1486994574
    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    There are a couple of things you could try while you look for books, or search the net.

    Shared breathing, makes one person dependant on the other for the air they breathe, and one responsible for giving it; this can help create a connection between two people. You each take a turn at giving, and recieving.

    It goes like this; kneel somewhere comfy, facing each other, and decide who is to be the giver first. Then the giver seals their lips over the recievers, as the giver exhales the reciever inhales the givers breath, then passes the breath back; whithout inhaling through the nose. After 4 times the giver exhales through their nose and breaths in fresh air; and repeats the sharing( any more and you will consume all the oxygen in the exhaled breath) This can be carried on for as long as you wish, the reciver only recives air from the mouth of the giver, during the sharing.

    During the sharing the reciever should focus their thoughts, and feelings of connection to the giver, and to the breath they are receiving and returning. the receiver should also, touch the givers body, anywhere they can without breaking the link; and again focus their thoughts on how this makes them feel, while they are dependant on the giver for the air they breathe.

    Cloud hands: stand facing each other, with one of you blindfolded. The guide puts out their hands palm down, the blindfolded one( the follower) puts 2 fingers on the back of each of the others hands. Then the guide moves their hands in any direction, and the follower must keep their fingers on the back of the guides hands. The follower must focus mentally on the guide, and try to anticipate, and connect with the guide; and to sense the movement of the guides hands, so they can maintain contact.

    The guide can reach high or low, but within the reach of the follower; the intention is not to make the follower loose contact, it's not a competion.

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