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  1. Advice needed...

    1483313434
    203 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Captain
    • Posts: 22
    • Joined: 31 Oct 2010

    Hi all,

    I'm hoping the lovely people here might have some ideas to help my current situation...

    My partner and I have been together for 13 years. I came off the pill in June as it was making me unwell, and noticed a huge increase in my sex drive. Since then, we've only had sex a handful of times, I've tried various things, new underwear, surprising my partner, initiating it (or any intimacy) at different tines of morning/night letting him initiate , suggesting we look on here together. Have spent lots of time just being affectionate without any mention/pressure of anything more. Whenever I try and talk with my partner it's a very brief conversation, I've tried talking about it out of the bedroom, casuaslly, directly etc it doesn't seem to make a difference. I know that he's not keen on using condoms, I've spent a small fortune on various extra thin ones. I've looked at other options with my gp but advised I'm likely to have the same issue. I'm wondering whether I should just go back on it even though it made me feel pretty rubbish.

    This morning I got up the mojo quiz thing, which I thought might be another angle, he refused to complete. He then abruptly said he had no interest in sex and that it wasn't important to him anymore. We're only in our early thirties. He's not depressed, nor on any medication for anything, no major life transitions/changes going on etc. Neither of us has gained weight or any physical changes that I can think of that might affect us.

    I'm at a loss as to how to get that spark back, and am starting to feel quite rejected, which is starting to affect my confidence, ifeel like I'm unattractive to my partner. All ideas welcomed :o)

    1483314133
    Ihc [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Major
    • Posts: 45
    • Joined: 1 Apr 2015

    Sounds like he is either cheating, or another possibility is when my OH was on the implant her sex drive was very low, occasionaly we would have sex but it felt forced, I would get so bored of trying I got disheartened and put off sex, perhaps not to your extent but it wasn't great, when she came off all hormonal contraception, her sex drive rose massively, as a result so did mine, you may just need to give him a little more time

    1483314179
    loganlogan [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant Colonel
    • Posts: 369
    • Joined: 21 Dec 2014

    There sounds like there might be more going on with him than he is willing to tell you about.he might be overwhelmed by your new higher sex drive.an ex of mine went through a similar increase in her sex drive when she came off the pill.
    Communication is always the key.keep trying to talk it through.
    Try to keep being intimate, even it doesn't lead to sex.the closeness you share might be small steps forward

    1483315083
    mamz [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 1821
    • Joined: 4 Jan 2016

    I'm sorry about asking but have you noticed any signs he might me cheating?

    Also, you should definitely talk about it to him and tell him how you feel about this.

    Good luck xx

    1483315595
    Sxleksaker [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 3590
    • Joined: 29 Feb 2016

    The best thing is to try to have a grown up conversation with him about your sex life. He could feel pressured by the sudden increase in your sex drive and that he feels inadequate and his own sex drive can't keep up. There could be loads of factors affecting his sex drive too which could make him feel like this.

    1483316263
    captainmeow [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: General
    • Posts: 615
    • Joined: 18 Sep 2016

    Hurts to say this, but like the others have said, I too think there might be something else in his mind that he's not telling you. Not necessarily that he's cheating, but there could be various factors at play as has been suggested. Intimacy without sex is a good idea too, most people tend to be quite receptive to that.

    In regards to your trouble with contraception, have you considered the copper coil? It's somewhat going out of fashion compared to the mirena coil, but it's not hormonal so maybe that would be possible?

    1483317559
    Eager-2-Please [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Major
    • Posts: 235
    • Joined: 3 Jul 2014

    He needs to meet you half way by being open to communication. It also sounds like you both need to see a sexual therapist to see what's going on with him. If he genuinely is/has become asexual, you both need to decide if you're still compatible in light of the fact that it's unfair to both demand sex from him and expect celibacy from you. In which case a one-sided open relationship which allows you to get sex elsewhere is worth considering/discussing.

    Good luck!

    1483371856
    203 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Captain
    • Posts: 22
    • Joined: 31 Oct 2010

    Thanks everyone for the replies, I'm not sure how to copy and paste bits from above, but there's lots for me to think about

    Re cheating- I've definitely wondered if that's a possible factor, but I don't have any proof to suggest that he is.

    I've talked with him a few times about how it makes me feel, and he just says I shouldn't feel that way, and that appears to be the end if that! If I put my work hat on I can see that talking about feelings for him is difficult to tolerate, but we can't keep ignoring the issue.

    I did look at the copper coil with my Dr, but I had originally thought we might be trying to start for a family in the next year and was thinking of using it post children rather than before, but I'll have a look at it again.

    1483380343
    wildflower [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
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    • Joined: 17 Jul 2013

    Do you think it's possible that he's not that keen on having children and maybe just doesn't want to come out and say it ? If everything between you sexwise was good before you came off the pill and yet as soon as you did things changed it might seem a bit of a coincidence.
    Either way he shouldn't just be shutting you out and saying you just need to accept things the way they are . Your feelings are as important as his however hard he finds it to talk about . I know only too well how not discussing issues doesn't just make them go away ,it can build resentment if left unresolved for too long .

    1483526058
    Pomlady [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Captain
    • Posts: 31
    • Joined: 2 Nov 2016

    Hi 203 I know how you feel my husband was the same he wouldn't discuss our sex life and the problems we were having when we were younger I even went and saw a sex therapist on my own as he refused to go but in the end it wasn't worth me carying on with it as I needed him there to discuss the issues so I ended up with a crap sex life for years then I had to go on ssri's so our sex life dwindled then he got ED took him a couple of years to tell me then last year I came off ssri's and my sex drive came back very high and so I told him we need to start talking about sex and what we like and need or that's it i think that got him worried of losing me so now we are open we talk to each other our sex life has been the best I never thought it could be this good if we struggle to talk we write it down and then we read it then discuss it.

    There is a possibility that he doesn't want kids and now with you not taking the pill there is a chance you can get pregnant so that has now caused him not to be Intrested in sex so there will be no chance of you getting pregnant.

    He needs to discuss what's going on and tell you what has changed since you stopped the pill he carn't just expect you to go back on the pill if it makes you crap why should you suffer when he won't even tell you what the problem is going back on the pill is not going to help as you still won't know what the problem was that happened when you stopped this would just crop up again in the future when you come off to start a family.

    try writing it down how you are feeling and tell him that you's need to discuss what the problem is

    1483527048
    mysteron [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
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    Going of your first post ,I think its a mental thing. The fact that you have come off the pill ,coupled with your higher sex drive and relying on thin condoms as your main form of contraception. These are probably a lot of change that he can't come to terms with . I am guessing he's not keen on having children either,

    I think you need to find out exactly what the problem is because clearly its one of the above factors that's scaring him .Once you find out the problem then you can act. If its the condom thing (some guys find it harder to perform wearing a condom)then look at other forms of contraception but look at it both together as a partnership.

    The cheating thing I am not sure about as normally there would be tell tale evidence .

    1483530580
    cobra1987 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant Colonel
    • Posts: 170
    • Joined: 1 Dec 2013

    Hi I think you have to get his sex drive back in the game. I don't know why your partner will not have sex mebe its due that sex drive is low but mebe you might have to talk to him. You might find a holiday plan to kik start his sex drive or find a way to do this as you will know him best. If he still does not get back mebe there is another problem that he has not told you. As people have seid cheating might be in play but some times its best just to ask him to use his phone or laptop. What ever your partner is using more as I know and see what he has on his phone but some time he could just good at hiding something from you? Its hard to help as their are so many variables but we will try our best to help you. Dont give up hope and talk to him more.

    1483750241
    SmokingHotLove [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Major General
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    • Joined: 26 Apr 2015

    That sucks! Wee bit disappointed at all the "quick to judge" having an affair posts! Cause that's gonna make you feel WAY better. There could be lots of reasons why he's not responding how you'd like him to. Completely agree with communication, but that's easier said than done. It could be something as simple as he's just got used to how it's been for a while, and is freaked out by the sudden turn around/change. Men are more complex than we give them credit for. The only way you'll find out what's wrong (and how to fix it) is by being honest and talk. Try different approaches to get to the bottom of why he's not up for it. Don't badger him and make it seem like it's all about you. If he's relaxed and comfortable I can assure you he'll open up better. Good luck and don't give up x

    1483757756
    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    From what you say, and the fact that this all kicked off when you came off the pill, I would say that this is about the use of condoms. If he doesn't like using them, and has beeen used to not having to; it may well be that he would sooner not have sex than use a condom.

    They can make sex feel a little unreal, like they are some what disconected on a physical level, from the act it's self. And as many men find the physical aspect more important than the emotional connection, and intimacy, this can become an issue. No matter how thin the condom, there is always going to be no sensation of wetness, that's one third of the physical sensation of sex missing. Heat, pressure ( Tightness), and wetness. Some men do dislike wetness, as it reduces friction, ( but which becomes a problem for the women; but I digress) but for many it's a crucial part of the sensation.

    Now assume he would sooner not have sex than use a condom; he loves you, so how can he ask you to go back on the pill, when he knows what it did to you. How can he even mention it without the risk that you will "do it for him" , you are already concidering as much; the best he can safely do ( for you ) is to say he has no longer any interest in sex.

    There is nothing else he can say, no better way to come out with it, he would sooner have you speak about feeling unatractive to him, than have you suffer going back on the pill; for him. All he can do is shut the conversation down, before he feels you compel him to tell you the truth.

    There maybe one possibillity you have not thought of, and that is the female condom.

    http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/product.cfm?p=18981

    http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/product.cfm?p=36202

    With plenty of extra lube put inside he will feel wetness, and all the other sensations of sex without a condom; as he is effectively, and actually not wearing one. lube up the external portion of this condom, to avoid the plastic bag sound they can make otherwise, and put it in you a little while before to give it time to warm up and soften.

    here is my review of the pasante ones.

    http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/product.cfm?p=18981

    I hope this is the case with you OH, it certain fits what you are saying about the situation.

    1483763895
    Friday13 [sign in to see picture]
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    I think you might be jumping to conclusions with the cheating idea. There are so many other possible reasons. You say he isn't depressed but some people hide it well or don't show the usual symptoms. It could also be work stress, a medical issue (does he have any other symptoms like tiredness, aches and pains etc?) or worrying about the future or getting older (does he want kids/is he going to make a good dad/inevitable mortality/going grey...) It could just be that he hates condoms, although I find it hard to believe. Right now all you have is the loss of interest in sex to go on.

    If he won't speak to you, do you think he might be willing to speak to his GP or a therapist (either with you or alone)? How is your communication in general?

    1483830894
    203 [sign in to see picture]
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    • Joined: 31 Oct 2010

    Wow, I wasn't expecting so many replies - thanks everyone for sharing your experiences, and suggestions, lots of the ideas above seem like possible contributing factors, I suspect its not just one thing.

    He doesn't have any other medical symptoms (that I'm aware of). He's quite anti doctors, therapy etc.

    My sense is that he isn't cheating, so I'm going to park that before I end up feeling worse!

    Things were by no means great in the last several months, possibly longer, of being on the pill, but I think the physical side effects of it were making me quite unwell and we graduakly stopped having sex etc, which had become a habit/rut before I stopped the pill and added to this situation.

    I am starting to believe maybe he doesn't want children (with me anyway), and I imagine on some level the risks of just using condoms worries him... Plus all the other points mentioned above re sensation of using condoms etc. I've always known and shared when we've talked at different tines about how having a family is important to me.

    I haven't looked at the female condom- thanks for the tip, and your thoughtful post Alicia :-)

    1483863295
    Irie [sign in to see picture]
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    I would say there's a number is possibilities, what you describe sounds a lot like things I've fine in the past. He might be stressed/depressed and just doing a great job of hiding it. I'd be surprised if it's about the use of condoms in principle maybe it's just me but I'd rather have sex with a condom than no sex at all! But when my wife first came off the pill, I was nervous about her getting pregnant. The intention was to start trying for a baby but when she did it I was nervous and all my fears about becoming a dad (am I genuinely ready, will I be a good dad, will our relationship survive) did a number on my sex drive. Is it possible he genuinely just has a lower sex drive and just doesn't feel like sex as much as you do?

    I know it's been said to death, but the only real way to get to the bottom of this is to get the answers from him. Can I suggest asking him a straightforward question to start that puts the onus on him and his feelings rather than how you feel? For example (and in not accusing you of of doing this) Saying that the lack of intimacy makes you feel unattractive might make him feel guilty and thus not open up about what's on his mind. Instead ask how he's feeling, what can you do to help if there is something up.

    1483911591
    Gentleman with lady [sign in to see picture]
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    • Joined: 3 Nov 2013

    Have you considered asking him to let you give him a BJ? This may get his interest again and then you could go to 69 and build it up from there. If you wake up before him you could surprise him by waking him up this way. If you were to do this and sort yourself out with a toy would this interest him? Just an idea. Good luck with fixing this.

    1483912044
    Fun Louise [sign in to see picture]
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    Ok so I have a suggestion to try, that might make a difference. What about suggesting anal sex? All risks of pregnancy are avoided, so if that was the main issue for him this could solve it short term. Untill he learns to cope with condoms and viginal sex. I understand this may not be an option, but the suggestion might be enough for him to open up.

    I don't want to be rude (this might sound rude, sorry) is there any chance he is seeing someone else? Have there been any other problems before this? I hope that he can open up and explain what is bothering him. Good luck.

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